Feel like a fraud for not being honest with husband

LegacyUser

Ok, I am going un-reg for this as my husband is a boardsie. I will try and keep this as clear and brief as I can.

My husband and I are both early 30's. We have been married for 10 years. I have never been the most maternal person, and my husband knows this, but I always thought that as I got older my biological clock would kick in and I would want a baby, problem is, it hasn’t. My husband really wants children, always has and is really good with children. I finally agreed to start trying for a baby about 2 and a half years ago, I was less than enthusiastic, but I suppose I felt I owed it to my husband to try. Well, we have had no joy and we have been referred to a specialist. It appears I have polycystic ovaries, my husband is also getting tested and we are due the results of all the tests in a couple of weeks.

The problem is, I am getting more and more convinced that I don’t want children. I know the specialist is going to prescribe me hormones and further treatment and I am feeling slightly panicky at the thought of it. I feel like a total fraud for going this far, as I know there are people out there waiting to see a specialist who are desperate for a child.

I know I should be able to talk to my husband about this, but any time I try and broach the subject, he gets very down about it. I should also explain that my husband has a long term illness and suffers a lot of ill health. He also hates his job and as a result suffers from mild depression. I feel that if I tell him how I really feel, I would be taking away the one thing that he wants more than anything. I just know he would be devastated if I told him how strongly I feel. I just feel like a terrible person for feeling this way, but at the same time, I don’t feel I can go along and have a baby if I don’t want it 100%. I also feel that things are rushing ahead now and I don’t know how I let things go so far. A tiny part of me nearly hopes that my husband has fertility issues so that I don’t have to go ahead with the treatment. I feel like a sh1t for even typing that, as I know my husband would be devastated if that was the case.

What should I do, should I say nothing until we get our test results and know the lay of the land, or should I try and prepare the way a bit with my husband now? Should I go along with the treatment and hope that if it was successful my feelings would change totally once I was pregnant? I feel totally confused and overwhelmed by the whole thing to be honest.

Neyite

Whether you want children or not, facing down the medical assistance side of conception is daunting, if not terrifying. Even if the male has the issue, the treatment for the woman remains the same - the injections to induce a temporary menopause, then injections to stimulate ovulation production, trigger injections to produce multiple ovulation, and finally minor procedures to retrieve eggs. Its still the female that bears the brunt of the fertility roulette, and its ok to not want to go through that. Its not for the faint hearted.

I would suggest that you wait for the test results first. I knew I wanted kids, but I never knew how desperatley I wanted them until we were sat in the fertility clinic discussing stats with the doctor - I sorely wanted to beat the stats - I knew then.

Its not like you are going to be hiding it from him for years - you are just waiting on results, right? In that case you will only have a few more weeks of being unsure. I think your feelings when they discuss the results with you will tell you a lot.

I dont agree that you should have a child you dont really want just to please your husband - not fair on him, and not fair on you, and certainly not fair on the child. Furthemore, people who want children rarely want an only child - so even if you had one, chances are you would find yourself under pressure to have more siblings afterwards.

Unfortunatly, for a lot of couples, infertility causes a lot of splits - its an emotive issue, and there are no halfway compromises - you cant have half a baby. Even if you agree to try for a baby, you really need to be on the same page facing treatment, in it as a team. You both need to know how far you will take it - say 3 goes of IVF, or draw the line at donor eggs/sperm. If you both feel differently, there is a discussion needed to be had before you start treatment.

The other issue to consider is expense. Its nearly 5,000 per IVF cycle, and the days are long gone where couples could fund it with a bank loan "for a new kitchen". Even investigatory tests cost heaps - I have easily spent €2,000 on treatment in the last year, and I was only at the oral tablet stage. Once the injectibles come into play, the costs just skyrocket. VHI does not cover fertility treatments so its really all out of your own pockets.

Good luck on it. Its not an easy decision to make.

Sleepy

I should also explain that my husband has a long term illness and suffers a lot of ill health. He also hates his job and as a result suffers from mild depression

I'd be wary planning a pregnancy in these circumstances in the best of times OP. I don't intend to be insulting and it would be against the letter of the law but your husband sounds like a prime candidate to be let go in a round of re-structuring / lay-offs.

qwertytlk

Hi, having a baby is really hard. An it is the ultimate test of your relationship. So imo, if you really dont want to have a baby then you need to tell him, regardless of his depression/health issues as if you go ahead with it and its not what you want then things are going to bw 100 times worse than the fallout from telling him how u feel.
On the other side of things i hsve known people who were dead against having kids and were not maternal at all. Then they got pregnant by accident and ended up being the best mothers and happier then they had ever been before
regardless of this i feel you really need to discuss your worries and concerns with him asap. Good luck

I am a friend

Op what aspect of having kids is concerning you? I do understand the concerns you have around the assisted conception and have a friend who recently went through it (she is now pg). It's very very tough but do-able.

I would suspect your concerns lie around the issue of your husband illness and depression. Are you worried you will literally be left holding the baby?

As you are having a change of mind it's worth looking into why it's changing and trying to figure out if these issue are set in stone. I think its very admirable you are thinking it through so fully - too many people go into It blindly without thinking it through which makes no sense.

Best of luck op

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies, I'll adress some of the comments so far;

Netlite, I think I have seen your comments on the TTC forum, when I see the women on that forum and how much they want to concieve, I feel like i'm doing them all a dis-service by taking up valuable time with the specialist and resources when there are so many people who want it more than I do. As you said, it is an incredibly difficult process even when you want a baby more than anything. I just don't know if I can commit to it when I am so undecided. You are right about waiting for the results, my reaction to them might be telling and might surprise me.

Sleepy, not insulting at all, I think you have a really good point. My husband had a medical emergency a short while back, ambulance, hospital, the works and I was thinking, how would we cope with this if we had a baby. My husband isn't sick all the time, but he does have flare ups and it is difficult enough as it is without the added complication of a baby. The problem is, that my husband can get very down and angry about being sick, I feel like if I suggested that it’s a reason not to have a baby, it would be heaping salt on the wound.

Qwertytlk, I know what you mean about people not wanting them and then loving them when they have them. And I’m sure if I had conceived naturally, I would have been the same, but it’s having to go through the whole assisted conception makes the decision that much more difficult.

I am a friend, I have asked myself the same question and while my husbands illness is some of it, I think the main reason is, I have no interest in having a baby. I suppose in my heart I never really have. The role of a mother is just not something I can see myself doing or have any desire to to. I know that sounds like a stupid reason, but I can’t express it exactly. I have never had that longing for a baby or got broody looking at a baby. I love my nieces and nephews and love minding them, but am always happy to hand them back! I think I am missing that ‘mothering chip’. Also, I like our life at the moment, I don’t think I want it to change. God, I am sounding a bit selfish now, but I really am not a selfish person!

CathyMoran

I do not think that your husband's illness has anything to do with it - my husband and I both have long term illnesses and we are having great fun with our children...but here in lies the problem, you do not want them...maybe being pregnant might change how you feel but are you willing to take that risk? You need to tell your husband how you feel.

Taltos

OP a few things.

1. No matter what anyone else tries to tell you - it is not wrong not to want children - some of us just are not built that way. Some of us in fact have an extreme reaction to even the thought of children.

2. Communication - in my opinion you have to find a way to sit down and talk to your husband about how you are feeling.
All of these tests - well they take money and time - and are just fueling his hope - why do this to him?
Sit him down and let him know that even if you did not have the medical condition you have you just are not maternal and that you hope that he is OK with this. There is a risk that he is not though - and who knows - this could be a deal-breaker for him in terms of your marriage - but do you really want to continue in a marriage where you cannot be honest, irrespective of the risk?

I know some will call me naive - but honesty is important to me.
Don't rush into this - take your time to think about it - and ask to talk to him when neither of you are tired or overly emotional - as it is this is going to be an emotional chat so minimise any chance of something else spinning this around and all over the place.

Best of luck.

I am a friend

Op you are not selfish at all but you need to tell your husband asap. It's entirely your call to have kids or not but he should know where you are right now and you fears as they do affect him.

Are you worried that , due to his illness, you will be left to do everything for the baby?

No one here can tell you what you should do. Ivf is not for the faint hearted and I totally respect your decisions in that regard but please talk to him. You have to be happy too.

Good luck

Abi

I wouldn't recommend trying for a baby at all OP, You've very strong feelings against having children. I'd be against the idea of trying for a child and seeing if your feelings change. What if they don't? You may wind up resenting your child and your husband over it. Bottom line here is, you need to talk to your husband, and put a stop to all of this now. You can't just have a child to please your husband, and yes hes going to be disappointed. No matter which way this goes one of you aren't going to be happy. But you can't bring a child into the equation unless both parties want it, it wouldn't be fair on him / her.

Beruthiel

Feel like a fraud wrote: »

I have no interest in having a baby.

OP
You must be honest with him.
People seem to think that every single women on this planet has a maternal instinct. They don't. I don't.
My daughter was a 'surprise' and I wouldn't change the fact that I had her for the world.
However, I made sure I never had another one.
I believe I'm a good mother but if she hadn't been a 'surprise' I am very sure I would never have felt that need to have children. I have no understanding of that need to have them. I never will.

I cannot stress enough what a HUGE difference a baby will make in your life. In my opinion, you must be ready for that.
You sound very sure on this and it seems to me that the only reason you are doing this is because you do not want to upset your husband.
Is that a good enough reason to go ahead with something that will drastically affect the rest of your life?
You get one life, it is vitally important that you are true and honest to yourself and your husband. Whither that upsets him or not.
Best of luck.