Found out about surprise birthday party but don't want one

LegacyUser

Hi boards' posters,

I will be turning 30 in the end of November and I had no plans for a party of anything just a night out with family and friends. I however by a friend's slip of the tongue found out that my girlfriend has a big surprise party planned for me. I don't really fancy a party as I don't like being the centre of attention but she has gone to loads of work by the sounds of it. She's a really sweet and thoughful girlfriend and I know that she'd only be doing it as she thinks that I'd enjoy it.

I'm just wondering what I should do now. Do I tell her that I know and tell her that there's no need to go ahead or go along with it and act surprised and act as if I'm enjoying the night?

dilallio

If you would prefer not to have a party, why not organise a weekend or night away somewhere with your girlfriend on the weekend of your birthday.

She sounds lovely, and if she has put a lot of effort into organising something for you, try and not reject it outright in a manner that might disappoint her.

I am a friend

Just be honest - tell her you know and you don't want it. She will understand.

mathproblem

Feel for you bud. I hate being the centre of attention myself. My usual plan to get away from these things is to book a trip away and hightail it.

If however you are totally unable to get out of it then maybe you could sit her down, tell her you found out and have a word about it. Maybe if you don't cancel the whole thing because of all the good thought she has put into it you'se could reach a compromise to take away the "centre-of-attentionness" of the whole thing... eg. like just have a small do in the usual place where you'd be going for socialising anyway, no balloons, bands, old childhood photo's etc.. and not millions of invitees just your usual mates.

Anyway even if it all fails and you are left feeling redfaced as you cringe listening to everyone singing happy birthday, maybe you might reflect on it and feel a nice warm fuzzy feeling knowing that everyone cared about you to turn up for you. The anxiety of that moment being in the spotlight will pass, as will the night itself.

ncmc

I think say nothing OP, it sounds like your GF has gone to a lot of trouble and I think it would be difficult to tell her you don't want to have the party without hurting her feelings.

I am not a big fan of being centre of attention myself and was dreading that part of my wedding, you know what, when the day came around, I loved it! It was great feeling so special for the day. As mathproblem said, you will be that happy to see how loved and cared for you are, by people turning out for your birthday, any awkwardness will go out the window.

Cunning Stunt

ah OP I would not say anything - just go with it on the night.
I think if she is as kind and sweet as you say then she would be devestated if she thought you knew about it.

You can always say afterwards that you had your little suspicions that there was something planned, so you won't have to overdo the whole ''surprised'' act...

Just my 2 cents worth..

I arranged a party for my husbands 30th, he is the same, doesn't like being the centre of attention, he didnt have a 21st or anything because he just never feels the need to focus on himself, so i thought it would be nice for us to have a house party for him because at least he would be in his surroundings if he felt uncomfortable.

About a week after the party he confided in me that he found out, his mam let it slip by mistake. I had no idea he knew and he told me that while he didnt relish the idea (he in fact dreaded it) he decided to "suck it up" and go with it. He felt a bit strange at first when the surprised was landed on him, but relaxed as the night progressed and ended up having a great time (although he asked for no more partys in the future!)

I thought a party for his 30th would be nice for his mam and dad also, as i said he never had a party before and they really enjoyed "celebrating" him. Even he had to admit that his mam looked really happy as she took photos of him blowing the candles out. My point is, sometimes our loved ones would like a chance to celebrate these milestones with us too.

You never know, now that you are aware of it you might get used to the idea, and if you dont then you really need to talk to your girlfriend as soon as possible. If my hubby had asked me not to proceed with the party, i would have been a little disappointed but i would have called it off no problem, i wouldnt want to make him uncomfortable, im sure your girlfriend would feel the same, she seems like a nice girl.

Miss Fluff

I don't think you should suck it up at all. But then I would say that because I personally never do anything I don't want to do. :rolleyes: Some people love being the centre of attention and other's don't so if it genuinely fills you with horror then you do need to say it to her.

She is planning it for the end of November so the sooner you say it then the less fall out there is and she won't have gone to huge lengths organising everything and rounding up troops. You do need to say it now though rather than dwell on it for weeks and let her down at the last minute. She will more than likely understand and perhaps between you you can organise something that you're both happy and comfortable with.

Happy Birthday in advance by the way

I am a friend

I had a surprise 30th for an ex and to be fair he had said he didn't want one but I didn't listen. He hated it....

Op you dont need to do this - just explain to your gf in plenty of time.

Dave H

It's a tricky one for sure.
My wife organized a surprise party for my 30th. And I haaaaaate attention like that on me. My situation was different than yours, I twigged it on the night as a friend and myself self were down in the shop. It was the way he kept getting calls and checking his phone for texts (all saying things like stall him,or,we're just got the balloons up now so we're good to go) and when I drove around the corner I saw a picture of me as a kid taped to the front door.
I was mortified and I nearly didn't go in to the house, but the more I thought about it,and in fairness I had to think pretty quick about it, the last thing I would have wanted to do was upset my wife who went to a lot of trouble getting all my nearest and dearest in the one spot,and for getting it all together in the brief time I was out.
So I sucked it up, opened the door,but didn't go in, just to add the bit of suspense for them,then made my appearance, had streamers & party poppers thrown at me,got embarrassed, said a few words in thanks to everyone,especially herself, and within 5 minutes I was forgotten about and everyone went into standard party mode,mingling amongst themselves.
It wasn't until they made a tit out me with a cake with trick candles and they made me make a speech that I even felt like it was a party in my honour, it was just an amazing evening/night/morning with all my loved ones.
As Cunning Stunt said, you can mention it to her later that you knew.She'll most likely laugh it off.
And as ncmc said, once you see all your peeps there, you will relax a bit more, I was the same on my wedding day too, dreading the attention but seeing everyone made it easier and most importantly, more worthwhile.

ElleEm

Tell her!
Why not get talking about your birthday and say that you hope she has no surprises up her sleeve as you'd hate a party, etc.

Saves you telling her that you know about it, but also lets her know how you feel.

Firetrap

If I was in your shoes I'd suck it up and do my best to enjoy the night. It's a really kind gesture by your girlfriend and if you tell her that you don't want a party, you run the risk of hurting her feelings or making her angry. She'll also have to start contacting all of the people who she'd invited to un-invite them again. You don't think that would be embarrassing for her?

I am a friend

Firetrap wrote: »

If I was in your shoes I'd suck it up and do my best to enjoy the night. It's a really kind gesture by your girlfriend and if you tell her that you don't want a party, you run the risk of hurting her feelings or making her angry. She'll also have to start contacting all of the people who she'd invited to un-invite them again. You don't think that would be embarrassing for her?

It's 6/7 weeks away so the formal invites obviously aren't sent yet. On top of that why cause unnecessary costs on a party you don't want

OS119

Firetrap wrote: »

If I was in your shoes I'd suck it up and do my best to enjoy the night. It's a really kind gesture by your girlfriend and if you tell her that you don't want a party, you run the risk of hurting her feelings or making her angry....

unfortunately for the OP, his GF will then decide that, regardless of whatever protestations he makes in the future, he likes parties.

and will therefore organise one for him at every appropriate opportunity.

i'm not absolutely sure that having to put up with parties 'in his honour' for the rest of his relationship with this woman is quite the solution he was looking for...

OP, similar position to you, can't stand parties - and my birthday is New Years Eve. i go away every year to hide from anyone who, despite knowing me for 30-odd years, might be stupid enough to not know that i can't stand parties. i get the wife involved in this conspiracy by going away with her, and making sure that she knows we're going away purely to get away from the kind of moron who throws parties for people who don't like parties.

the psychology is easy: lets say your GF has a dangerous/annoying driving habit - like driving with her main beam on, never indicating or switching on her fog lights when it gets dark - when she's with you in the car, you make the effort to point out every other road user who makes the same error as she does 'look at that fcuk wit with his fogs on' etc... this way you bring the matter to her attention without saying 'you are a useless driver, you must have got your licence from the back of a cornflakes packet' - which apparently, can cause trouble between man and wife - and you begin to rope her into your never-ending campaign against people who use their fog lights as a talisman against the dark.

so, don't let her twig that you've rumbled her, just say 'so, anywhere you fancy going for my birthday weekend?', she'll mumble that she's got no plans, and you say 'ok, we'll sort something out because i always go away for that weekend because of all the half-wits who claim to know me, but haven't noticed that i can't stand parties...'.

confrontation avoided, party avoided. job jobbed.

Malari

I hate parties too and would detest a surprise one. Having said that, my boyfriend threw me a surprise 30th and I had no idea beforehand! If I'd found out by accident (looking back I think how could I not have known? ) I would have been pretty distressed worrying, but as it turned out, it was a meal with only about 15 of my friends and family, and some drinks after. Ideal, as we had been going for dinner anyway, just that everyine was there when we got to the restaurant.

Do you know any of the details of the "party" OP? I mean, is it one of those god-awful affairs with a cake and a hired hotel room and a slideshow of pictures of your youth? If it is, I would try and force an admission from her by trying to plan something else.

If not, maybe she knows you better than you think and is only planning a get-together like you had in mind, with just a few family and friends anyway?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, still in two minds but need to decide soon. The friend who let it slip gave me the details under duress yesterday. It's 3 weeks before my actual birthday so that I won't suspect and so that it's not too close to Christmas. The invitations have been sent, people who are travelling have booked accomodation so it'd be big to back out now. There are about 70 invited but not all can make it. There is a private room in a bar and there will be cake but I don't know about a slideshow (God I never even thought of that). I'm slightly edging towards sucking it up as it's well into the planning stage but I'm still confused. I'll give it the weekend to think about it, decide on Monday and go with that.

Any more suggestions would be very welcome.

Thanks again.

ElleEm

unregfornow wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, still in two minds but need to decide soon. The friend who let it slip gave me the details under duress yesterday. It's 3 weeks before my actual birthday so that I won't suspect and so that it's not too close to Christmas. The invitations have been sent, people who are travelling have booked accomodation so it'd be big to back out now. There are about 70 invited but not all can make it. There is a private room in a bar and there will be cake but I don't know about a slideshow (God I never even thought of that). I'm slightly edging towards sucking it up as it's well into the planning stage but I'm still confused. I'll give it the weekend to think about it, decide on Monday and go with that.

Any more suggestions would be very welcome.

Thanks again.

Ugh, cake!!

It's not too late to back out though. Accommodation can be refunded, or people can still stay in your town for a holiday and a visit.

Which would make you feel better? Going and gritting your teeth for the night, or telling your girlfriend it is your idea of hell to have a party?

OS119

unregfornow wrote: »

...Any more suggestions would be very welcome.

Thanks again.

ooh... nasty.

sorry mate, but i think you're screwed on this - either you spend a very uncomfortable evening, or lots of people you like are going to be out of pocket and extremely dischuffed with you.

take your pick.

bigger issue rears its head - if your GF has sorted all this out 'for you', i'm assuming she's a serious, long term GF - why doesn't she know you well enough to know that this would make your skin crawl?

worse, if she knows you'd hate it, why is she doing it anyway?

why have none of your friends or family flagged this up to her, and if they have, why is she going ahead with it?

this stuff doesn't help you right now (sorry), but you might want to look at it when things have settled down.

ElleEm

OS119 wrote: »

ooh... nasty.

sorry mate, but i think you're screwed on this - either you spend a very uncomfortable evening, or lots of people you like are going to be out of pocket and extremely dischuffed with you.

take your pick.

bigger issue rears its head - if your GF has sorted all this out 'for you', i'm assuming she's a serious, long term GF - why doesn't she know you well enough to know that this would make your skin crawl?

worse, if she knows you'd hate it, why is she doing it anyway?

why have none of your friends or family flagged this up to her, and if they have, why is she going ahead with it?

this stuff doesn't help you right now (sorry), but you might want to look at it when things have settled down.

Very good points. I would hate it, and my partner would never plan one as he knows this.