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Never Really Knew Him At All

  • 12-10-2011 10:36am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I've been seeing a guy for about eight months now. When I say "seeing him" I mean dating, kissing, (not slept together), in regular contact, even met his parents briefly. At first I thought it showed all the hopeful signs of a relationship developing, I was crazy about him. After the first few dates he seemed to pull back, saying he was too busy and so on, so I let him do all the contacting and tried to let it fizzle out. But he somehow seemed to keep me with just enough hope that something more would develop by keeping up regular contact and the odd date, where we got on brilliantly. I've never clicked with anyone like that before, but am always left wanting to see him more than once every couple of weeks. Quite often, I end up crying about him cos I like him so much and I'm not sure if he feels the same.

    The thing is, he's very shy, and you can't really put him on the spot about things, cos you get the feeling you would scare him away. He's not like other guys, he's very gentle and sensitive. Also, he needs a lot of time to himself cos he wouldn't be the most sociable person, but I guess thats part of his charm and what sets him aside from all the rest. Or so I thought.

    Yesterday I met a friend of a friend who knew him, and she told me she was his dance partner - turns out he goes to Ceroc dancing 3 times a week and is the most popular guy there. He's had all sorts of nights out with her and another female friend when he's been telling me he was too tired/had flu. Also he turned up the other night with a different woman to the dancing, and the woman told this friend that she had met him off an internet dating site. I looked anonmyously on the internet dating site and it tells you he's been a member for a year and has been active within the past 2 days.

    Honestly, its been such a shock to me. I would never have liked him so much if I'd known he was using online dating sites, I really can't abide all that way of doing things. (nor do I much like dancing classes, although I know this is a personal thing and probably quite irrational). I thought he was a cool mountainbiker who liked spending a lot of time on his own!

    True, he didn't lie to me, and technically he hasn't done anything wrong - he hasn't promised me anything. But I would be quite a pretty girl, and I've turned down several really decent guys during this time who now have girlfriends, because he would get so jealous if I so much as spoke to another man (stupidly I took this as a sign he really liked me and was just taking it slow to build up his confidence).

    How can I have been so wrong about someone? I don't think he ever had any intention of going out with me properly, did he just like the attention and string me along for his own vanity when it suited him? He knows fine well how much I liked him - I tried often enough, in my stupid clumsy way, to tell him. How could someone who seems so gentle and naive be so unkind? What on earth did I do wrong? I feel like he's really messed with my head, like I don't know whether I'm coming or going when I'm in his world, where he can meet strangers at the drop of a hat and affection for another person just makes you one of many. I feel so stupid and naive for letting myself fall so hard for someone.


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Well to be honest to be just dating after contact for 8 months would say it all for me.

    He is doing nothing wrong other than keep his options open. What you did wrong was not ask for what you wanted from him.

    If it were me I would move on and just keep him as a friend but it doesn't look like he will ever be anything more tbh.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 106 ✭✭pubview


    Hi, Never.

    I just stumbled upon your post while having a general lookaround the boards. Although it'll come as little comfort to you, you aren't the first nor won't be the last to have their head messed up by someone they were crazy about. Yeh, it happened me too - only vice-versa, me being a guy. Years have passed now and I'm 'over' her. In fact, if you can believe this, last summer I was walking into a shop and she was coming out with her little daughter and she greeted me by name and, I swear to you, it took me a few seconds to recall hers. Imagine that - after I'd been nuts about her !

    Even the seemingly nicest of people do nasty and inconsiderate things to one another in relationships. I don't know why. If I did, I'd open a clinic and charge a fortune to clients and I'm certain I'd be busy until eternity.

    All I can offer by way of POSITIVE advice now, however, is this :

    1 - At least you didn't get so deeply involved and THEN find out the truth, which might have emotionally crippled you and left you bitter for years. Look on that as a Plus.

    2 - You've just got to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on.

    I know, these sentiments are clichés. But they are clichés because they are true and have borne the test of time and are founded on many people's experiences - including mine.

    Hold your head high, girl. You've done nothing wrong. It isn't a sin or shameful to lose your heart to a louser.

    You deserve better. Just keep believing he will come along.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Well to be honest to be just dating after contact for 8 months would say it all for me.

    He is doing nothing wrong other than keep his options open. What you did wrong was not ask for what you wanted from him.

    If it were me I would move on and just keep him as a friend but it doesn't look like he will ever be anything more tbh.

    But I wouldn't have kept seeing him, kept up hope or even let myself continue developing feelings for him if I'd known he was a ballroom dancer, not a mountainbiker! He made me think we had loads in common and were really similar people. And I certainly wouldn't have even dated him if I had known he used an internet dating site. I don't want anything to do with men that use those sites because I think it encourages men to have several different women on the go as they have so many to choose from. And I think I've been proved right!

    I don't think my sanity could stand being friends with him. I know I would continue to have feelings for him, and he would be happy to know that and quietly encourage it, as far as he is prepared to let it go. And he gets mad jealous when I talk to other men, as other men always think theres something going on between us when they see the way he behaves.

    I just can't believe he led me to believe he was all shy and quiet and didn't like going out much, kind of like all mysterious and noble, when all the time he has a packed social life and was doing internet dating! I really didn't think decent guys acted like this, and I thought he was a decent guy because he's not out at pubs and clubs and having ONSs.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 227 ✭✭Lon Dubh


    <Yesterday I met a friend of a friend who knew him, and she told me she was his dance partner - turns out he goes to Ceroc dancing 3 times a week and is the most popular guy there. He's had all sorts of nights out with her and another female friend when he's been telling me he was too tired/had flu. Also he turned up the other night with a different woman to the dancing, and the woman told this friend that she had met him off an internet dating site. I looked anonmyously on the internet dating site and it tells you he's been a member for a year and has been active within the past 2 days.

    ...
    True, he didn't lie to me, and technically he hasn't done anything wrong - he hasn't promised me anything. But I would be quite a pretty girl, and I've turned down several really decent guys during this time who now have girlfriends, because he would get so jealous if I so much as spoke to another man (stupidly I took this as a sign he really liked me and was just taking it slow to build up his confidence).

    How can I have been so wrong about someone? I don't think he ever had any intention of going out with me properly, did he just like the attention and string me along for his own vanity when it suited him?>

    To the last part I have highlighted I would answer yes, he was stringing you along. To be honest he sounds like a selfish, inconsiderate, ass. So he would get jealous if you spoke to another man but he was seeing other women?! One law for you, another for him. (Sometimes this sort of jealousy is an indicator that the person is a controlling person, so I would watch out for that in future, or it can indicate that they cannot be trusted with the opposite sex so they accuse their partner of doing what they would do themselves).

    But, even though he sounds awful to me, I think he is not entirely to blame for the situation. I think you should in future to stand up for yourself more, tell the person what you want and need out of the relationship, and if they cannot give it to you for whatever reason move on. There is no point in flogging a dead horse.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 106 ✭✭pubview


    Sometimes you just have to stand back and laugh at yourself and your mistakes in life and relationships.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQhCiGZupcU&feature=related


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,882 ✭✭✭Mighty_Mouse


    I've been seeing a guy for about eight months now. When I say "seeing him" I mean dating, kissing, (not slept together), in regular contact,

    Its not "normal" for a relationship not to have developed in this time.

    It's clear ye were both on different pages here (with you looking for signs &possibly reading way to much into small details, such as meeting his parents).

    He obviously didn't want a serious relationship & you should of known this way earlier than now.

    You choose how your treated in this life.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    He obviously didn't want a serious relationship & you should of known this way earlier than now.

    You choose how your treated in this life.

    Ignore this. Many people take things slowly.

    You did NOTHING wrong.

    All you did was have the bad luck to fall for someone who is a sociopath. They are out there.

    As a previous poster said, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.

    And under no circumsntances should you allow him back into your life. These people are expert liars and manipulators. Speaking to him again would be a huge mistake.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,442 ✭✭✭Firetrap


    I suspect you saw what you wanted to see and built up your relationship into more than it actually was :( You liked him and understandably wanted to keep things going. It was unfortunate that you ran into the romantic version of the common or garden con man and got taken in by all his lies.

    By the sounds of things, you're still in a "relationship" with him. You know that has to come to an end as soon as possible, right? Everything you've had to date was based on lies. You honestly don't know the first thing about this man but he's obviously very good at manipulation. He knew how to string you along without the relationship ever going anywhere really. He fed you a load of lies (both by omission and outright porkie pies) about what he was doing during the week. In fact, I doubt your original statement about him being shy is true either.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Now there is slow and there is slow...

    Op definitely dump him but for my own satisfaction, when he asks, I would tell him cos I had met someone else...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks to all who have posted, you have helped cheer me up a bit. When i wrote my post, i was kind of in a shock at finding out all this unexpected stuff. Just to answer a few points - it might seem strange that we hadn't slept together in 8 months of "seeing each other", and it did worry me, but he always seemed so nervous and inexperienced, i put it down to him just being slow off the mark, and it wasn't like we were together every night. I discussed it with some female friends and it seems they have similar experiences of slow burning men, who have turned out to be really good guys and even got married to! I just kind of thought, well its unusual, but theres no rule somewhere that every guy has to be the same. He was also a bit of a challenge I guess, not like the usual type of guy who is all over you. And he was saying the right things, like how he wasn't that used to girls and he needed to take things slow as he got nervous. Like if another girl was showing interest in him when we were together, he would make a point of saying he was with me. Thats what I don't understand. He is very good looking and girls seemed to approach him a lot, so i don't understand why someone who has no problem attracting girls is doing online dating anyway.

    No fears as to whether I'm ending this! If i wanted to date guys on dating sites, I'd be on them myself. And aplogies to anyone who likes dancing, but a boyfriend who does this for his hobby 3 times a week doesn't appeal - its such a complete turn off. I texted him 3 days ago saying i wasn't at all happy to find out all this stuff and I had a really bad opinion of him now, and he hasn't replied (normally replies within 10 minutes max). I doubt he will, and I'm not texting him again. No doubt if i run into him again (and he seems remarkably good at "bumping" into me...) i know he will try and pretend nothings happened. I'm going to have to be really strict about this one, cos he's so good at drawing me in and making me feel sympathetic towards him. i just tend to think the best of people. So if anyone has some strategies for dealing with that, i'd be glad to hear them!

    I just question why someone would behave like this, most decent guys would simply and clearly let you know they weren't interested i think.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,882 ✭✭✭Mighty_Mouse


    Ignore this. Many people take things slowly.
    You did NOTHING wrong.
    8 months?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 713 ✭✭✭newuser89


    You seem like a nice girl so just try forget about him and move on.hes not who you taught he was.he lied to try keep things sweet.noone deserves to be stringed along.you can do so much better,im sure theres lads waiting for you to become available


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    8 months?

    Please review our charter, if you have no constructive advice to offer please refrain from posting.

    Taltos


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Op focus on his lies and the half truths.

    He also hasn't tried to explain what has happened or more importantly tried to keep you so that says a lot as well. For as long as you are involved with this guy you won't ge available to meet single, decent men so you really need to remember that too!! He is a drain in you and you will never have a healthy relationship with him.

    He obviously gets a kick out of keeping so many women in his orbit - would you really like to get dragged back into that?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 227 ✭✭Lon Dubh


    Hi OP, I thought you might find this blog interesting:

    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

    I have been reading through the articles and there are a lot of interesting tips and insights into spotting things like whether someone is emotionally unavailable, or is stringing you along, and the like.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 106 ✭✭pubview


    LD, I just read some of that and I'm devastated. It means that Christian Brother never really loved me after all ! :(


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