Pros and cons of telling her how I feel

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I've been friends with this girl for over 6 months now, we got quite close but she has a boyfriend who lives in another country (I also know that she loves him very much). I'm in love with her but I'm pretty sure she has no feelings for me other than wanting to be friends. So my dilemma, should I tell her how I feel or not? This question has prolly been asked many many times on this forum but what the hell, lets go for it again. What are the pros and cons of telling her how I feel?

Bear in mind, she has been quite close friends with other guys in the past and they have all left her, either when they found a gf and no longer needed her or fell in love with her and couldn't stay friends. She has told me that if I leave her it will break her heart.

To the girls out there, can you explain what girls get from friendship with guys? If you have a boyfriend, do you continue to be friends with other guys and if so why?

Thanks,

Losing my Religion

floorpie

I have strong feelings about this topic. I've seen so many friend-zoned friends cling on in the hope of something happening, or confessing their love-feelings to girls only to be rebuffed. That's simple enough, i can understand all that, but the whole thing gets confused for me when i start factoring in that girls want guy friends that aren't interested in them, so they get ****ed over by the whole thing, then also i've been the boyfriend of girls who had guy friends who went from wanting to be friends to wanting more etc. The whole thing's confusing about what's good/bad/right/wrong to do for every party involved.

So.

To the girls out there, can you explain what girls get from friendship with guys

This is a fairly easy question to answer on a basic level. Just ask yourself what you get out of being friends with a girl (personally i find them easier to talk to about certain things, they tend to be more fun in certain situations etc etc), and then think about it from their point of view. Don't start making big logical leaps and coming to the conclusion that she wouldn't be friends with you if she didn't have feelings.

she has been quite close friends with other guys in the past and they have all left her, either when they found a gf and no longer needed her or fell in love with her and couldn't stay friends

I don't know why you're presuming that they didn't "need" her after they found a girlfriend, it sounds very utilitarian. I'd say a more likely explanation there is that, people do tend to re-jig their social groups when they get into relationships.

Also, she's already had guys who 'fell in love' (which, to be honest, i don't think it's possible to do in a situation like this...a whole new side of a person comes out after you get into a relationship with them, so i don't feel you can possibly know if you're 'in love' yet, no matter how good friends you are), but all these guys had to move on, why do you think it's different for you?

If you have a boyfriend, do you continue to be friends with other guys and if so why?

Of course they can/do. They might renegotiate how often they meet up with them, or come up with less contentious things to do. Maybe in some cases they stop seeing them very often at all, which it seems like you're getting at: just because she's still friends with you doesn't mean she has feelings.

Sorry if i'm making wrong inferences about the questions you asked there.

About whether you should tell her your feelings or not...you'll probably get some people saying "yeah tell her!". My own personal feelings based on all the flirting and relationship-starting i've done is that...attraction doesn't happen at a verbal level, it's alot more low-level than puny words. And even forgetting 'attraction', on the off chance that she did like you, *telling her* your feelings kind of implies a whole bunch of things that just wont make you look good at all, e.g. i feel it would make you look insecure, weak, unsure, scared (that's just the way i feel about it), and i think that's why i've never heard of it working despite hearing about it *not* working probably thousands of times now on my internet and real-life travels. I feel that if you haven't noticed extreme sparks already, super sparks, constantly, then all of Shakespeare's Sonnets wont do sh1t.


I'll just say one more thing, and i mean this in the *nicest* possible way, i really do. There's nothing more sad than seeing a friend-zoned guy cling on. If you don't think you can stand not telling her how you feel, but you know that guys in her past had to move on after confessions, just don't tell her and gradually move on. It's the only way to come out of it looking/feeling good.


By the way, there was a thread about a week ago here where a guy did this very thing and then later in the thread got shot down by the girl (she didn't even have a boyfriend), might give you a good perspective on things.

Distorted

I'm in agreement with Floorpie on this one. Girls and guys being friends sounds great. There is no reason why it shouldn't work. But I have a suspicion that guys are mainly friends with girls because they fancy them or have some kind of feeling stronger than friendship for them. Otherwise, it takes up too much time and/or causes problems with a current girlfriend. There are some exceptions of course, but I would be pretty sure that of all my male friends, they all sort of find me attractive.

What do the guys get out of it? Hope of a **** if the girl splits up with her boyfriend, or more, and since it usually seems to be the more attractive girls who have the most male friends (funny that), the credos of being associated with a pretty girl, but in a "safe" way. Also attention from a member of the opposite sex, if they are lacking in that area at the time. And of course, some men just love women and being around them and enjoy their company!

I'm kind of in the same boat as my man is away a lot with work, and my male friends provide me with people to go to the cinema with, pub nights out, days away, etc. They know the reason why I come along to things alone though, some men do assume you are looking for a man if you go to things on your own (heaven forbid you should not be accompanied by a man!) so thats when you have to do say the "my boyfriend" line quite early.

I would tend to say don't tell this girl how you feel, unless you think it likely she is going to split up with her boyfriend. She will probably guess anyway. You can instead drop little hints and compliments hinting at it, and if you are annoying her, she will freeze you out and if she likes it, you can progress towards a more flirty type of friendship. I think you are confusing her being on her own a lot because her boyfriend is abroad with her being available.

floorpie

Distorted wrote: »

She will probably guess anyway. You can instead drop little hints and compliments hinting at it, and if you are annoying her, she will freeze you out and if she likes it, you can progress towards a more flirty type of friendship. I think you are confusing her being on her own a lot because her boyfriend is abroad with her being available.

Yeah, she definitely already knows. It's not rocket surgery; when somebody likes you you can generally figure it out in, i dunno, probably a few minutes. She's had 6 months of it.

On the flirty thing, a person could start flirting with any other person instantly if they wanted to, so you wouldn't have to madly ramp up to the 'flirt' stage. You could probably figure out her standpoint with just slightly different eye contact, and like Distorted is saying, you'll know pretty quick if she's freezing you out.

I think that last line of the quote is an important thing to take on board, because it's a two way thing, and i could see how confusing it might be. That is to say, you might be conflating her aloneness with availability, but she equally might be confusing her own aloneness for having a lack of emotional support, which in turn will confuse you even more when it feels like you're acting as a support for her.

Eh and lastly, one thing i forgot to say before, don't be holding out hope on becoming a boyfriend if she breaks up with her boyfriend. There's a tendency for people, after a breakup, to quickly partner up with people that help them make a sort of transition into having a repaired relationship-less identity, which then tends to mark the end of the transitional relationship (i.e. a rebound).

I am a friend

I really think you are out of order here and you should just back off and let her relationship run it's course.

LegacyUser

Cheers Floorpie & Distorted. It's really good to hear your opinions, I have to say I agree.

On the flirting topic, she has flirted very strongly with me in the past and I have naturally reciprocated. Flirting is awesome :-)

I'm not going to tell her how I feel, I'm 90% sure she knows that I have feelings for her already and even more sure that she is not attracted to me. I don't think she will ever have feelings for me, something that is hard to come to terms with but I guess you gotta accept reality sometimes, tough and all as it is.

Distorted - why do you need guys to go to the cinema with etc? Do you not have gf's for that? I'm really interested in discussing the 'What girls get from platonic relationships with guys, that they can't get from other girls' question further.

So I've made some progress, I know she's not attracted to me.

My new dilemma is how to stay friends with her. This is going to be an internal battle. To the guys out there, is it possible to just 'man up' and control your feelings so that you can maintain a relationship with somebody, without feeling jealous etc etc?

Bottom line is, feelings and attraction aside. I really care for this girl. Would I just be a complete douche if I become the supportive friend?

LMR

floorpie

Sounds like an unpleasant situation to be in, where she's flirting strongly with you, telling you that if you left it would break her heart, but simultaneously knowing that if you cross the line she'll just be the way she was with other guys and stop the friends thing.

I'm not sure if i have any advice now, except to say that you're a stronger man than i am, being able to put up with it and not just saying f*ck this and looking in the direction of girls that aren't (purposely, apparently) wrecking your head instead!

beks101

inturmoil wrote: »

I'm really interested in discussing the 'What girls get from platonic relationships with guys, that they can't get from other girls' question further.
LMR

Well to me, friendship is gender neutral. If I click with someone, I click with them, end of. A lot happen to be girls, some happen to be guys.

I suppose if I was going to identify a difference in these friendships, it would be that I have quite people/relationships/emotions-based conversations with my girlfriends, and more factual/specific/subject-based conversations with my guy friends, though that's a gross generalisation that doesn't always stand.

For example, I'll talk to a girl friend about my love life, a guy friend about my job. It's nice to get a mix of perspectives, both male and female, and sometimes if a female friendship becomes stressful (misunderstandings, drama, rows etc...it happens from time to time) it's nice to hang out with a few of my male friends who I know are more easy-going and happy to talk about the economy or the rugby, a few good slaggings and lots of laughter and everyone's happy.

As I said, totally generalising here, but just to make you see that it's not necessarily about an ego boost for this girl, or hidden feelings that she has yet to realise, etc...maybe she just thinks you're an awesome guy.

Distorted

inturmoil wrote: »

Distorted - why do you need guys to go to the cinema with etc? Do you not have gf's for that? I'm really interested in discussing the 'What girls get from platonic relationships with guys, that they can't get from other girls' question further.

Once female friends get boyfriends, they can be hard to arrange to go to the cinema with. You kind of have to "book" them weeks in advance! Not always one on one, sometimes go with a couple of guys. Maybe I have a male taste in films! Not just films, like on Sunday I went to a sporting event and travelled there with 3 guys in their car. I think I might be a bit of a tomboy, but I'm glad to know these guys who can be friends with girls even though they know I've got a boyfriend now. I also think some guys just like to kind of look after girls sometimes and see that they're happy.

Edited to add, when I think about it more, I would say these guys are important to me in the same way that female friends are, but not so important as my boyfriend. But to be truly honest, if I were single and they were at the same time, I would date any of them. That may not help you but it may not also be relevant to your situation, as some women could never consider male friends in this way, and some people are real users and will just exploit you because of the attention they get from you, without caring about your feelings. Hope this isn't the case for you.