Life change

LegacyUser

I'm in my late 20's, unemployed and living at home. I need to make a huge change to try and get myself moving.

Used to live in the town and had a job. Went to the pub, had mates, did stuff, met women. I had a life. Now I do nothing. I dont go out, I have like one mate who I still talk to from time to time. Maybe every month or so.

I have no education and no skills to mention. I have no drive, no energy. I need to change something radically. And I have about 2k saved to do it with. I'm thinking of getting a car and hoping the freedom will push me on further. But 2k doesn’t get ya to far in that regard. Insurance on anything will be 1,200+ as I'm a first timer.

Also thought abut just moving somewhere and using the savings to rent a place and start looking for work. But if it doesnt work out and I end up back here in 3 months broke twould be the end of me.

Anyone and idea's how I can shock myself into moving again ?

Just so ya know, if I had the drive to get up and exorcise I would but I dont. I havent the drive to do anything. I have become an ornament in my parents house. Not looking for miracles, or someone to hold my hand either. I'm just looking for peoples perspectives on how to go about getting out of this rut.

LegacyUser

I understand where you are at with feeling you are stuck in a rut.

My advice would be, sit down and really think about what you'd like to do and plan towards it. Would you be better with a car and live where you are and be able to find a job in the general area and drive to it? Would you prefer to move somewhere new and try and re-start that way? What steps can you take to achieve this? Try and come up with some sort of end point of where you think you want to be and then work out what you could do to ge there.

Exercise makes me feel great when I'm down, so, I'd definately recommend trying to get moving physically. Do a gym class, join a club, go swimming something. Look after your general health i.e. get some exercise, don't eat crap like lots of suger which will send your mood up and down.

I'd also strongly recommend finding a counsellor/therapist for a chat. An hour chatting to someone can really put things in perspective and let you walk out with a sense of puropse or direction to move in. It's money well spent.

ongarboy

Hi OP,

I think taking a radical step of leaving home to find a job may not be the wisest right now. You could move to a town/city and find your 2K gets used up very quickly (deposit for flat/rent/living expenses etc) and no gaurantee in this difficult jobs market of securing work in the short term.

I suggest you actively job hunt from home, which can be done by scouring all the online job websites for positions and then submitting your CV . Prepare an up to date and marketable CV. Seek advice from your local unemployed services office for assistance on how to present a CV if you need guidance. Use your savings for purchasing transport fares to wherever job interviews are when they arise. If you feel you are lacking skills, visit the FAS centre in your nearest town for assessment on what courses you could participate in to help upskill and be eligible for more jobs. When you then secure a job that may be far from home, you can then look at moving to that place.

Don't spend your entire days job hunting obviously. Get involved in exercises (walking/running etc). It's amazing how sweat inducing workouts like a run distract you even temporarily from any stresses or pressurised situations you have going on in your life and you do feel good (both mentally and physically) and productive after such sessions. Set your alarm so that you are up no later than 9am each morning during week days. This enables you to go to bed earlier at night and have regular sleep patterns. Many idle people often complain of being up all night and in bed all day as they have nothing to get up for. This practice only aggravates their predicament.

If there are opportunities for volunteerism in your community, take part. There is nothing as satisfying as knowing you are helping others and are making a difference. Good luck!

thefeatheredcat

Some great advice already given......and before you wonder why does everyone say exercise when you feel like it isn't possible, it is a key to making yourself feel better. It is only when you try you will see the benefit.

To get motivated, well you need to realise the reality you're facing and tell yourself you do not accept it, and rage against the machine so to speak. So you need to tell yourself you deserve a better life, better prospects and push yourself against yourself to strive for something better in life.

You really have a choice of sitting in despair or wanting better for yourself, and in the end, the only person who can make that happen is you.

Don't use the money that you have as a short term quick fix solution out of frustration with circumstance, when it's gone, it's gone, so choose wisely.

If I were you, I would go for a walk and think about what I want to do or sit somewhere where I can really think or feel. and then come up with a realistic plan of where I want to go, and get input and help from the parents, because ultimately, they may see something possible that you cannot and may be the wise experienced heads that can give you advice. Then start working towards it.

In a way you are fortunate to be living at home, because that gives you an opportunity in the life raft that it is as a stop gap between two lives, one where you are somewhat oppressed but if you channel that you can find something positive in the scope and purpose of what you really want out of life and the life that you want where you can fulfil your dreams and ambitions and enjoy a happy life.

In the meantime, appreciate what you have and count your blessings and I mean that in the sense that if you reflect on what you currently have, and are appreciative of it, you will perhaps somehow feel a bit better within yourself. And while at home you have the opportunity to help out and make yourself useful in different ways, by perhaps extending yourself towards your parents and learning a bit more about them, and yourself too.

Change doesn't happen overnight, even well intended change, unless you are in the right frame of mind and sense of being. So be patient with yourself and do not be too hard on yourself either. You can change your life around, if you are willing to do it for yourself.

qwertytlk

Hi, if you want to move to a town/city then my advice would be to start to look for work in the area you want to move. Start checking jobs.ie, fas.ie and the local paers for work. Apply for jobs, go on interviews and when you find a job, THEN you could look for a place to rent and use you savings to set you up in the new place. Because if you move out without a job then i think you will find 2k wont get you very far. For example if you got a flat and you rent was 600 per month then to move in it would cost you 1200 (deposit and 1st months rent upfront) then you have food, esb, tv etc etc. I think you would find that your savings would be gone by the end of the first month, and without a job you would have no way of paying the rent, so you would end uo back at home, with no money and feeling even worse than you do now! Same goes for a car. Trust me they are very expensive. So best bet is to find a job, then move and once your settled in then you could think about getting your licence and a car.
In the mean time while your looking for work, try and get out and get some excercise. I know its the last thing you feel like doing when your a bit down but it will make a huge differemce to you. Also try and improve your diet, get a good nights sleep etc. You will fee alot better.
Best of luck.

I am a friend

Op I am sure you have done a number of courses with fas etc. Is there any area you are interested in working in? It's a great time to do those now even if you have to fund the cOurse yourself. it's so much easier to do a course in an area you like.

Have you considered going away for a couple of years to gain some work experience?

Try not to beat yourself up and do get into running. I started last year and am now addicted.

I would also hope you are helping your parents out around the house. My dad is so handy with diy and even skills like this will stand you innthe years ahead.

tenchi-fan

I wholeheartedly disagree with some of the previous posters in this thread who are saying how lucky you are to live at home, and how much you can learn from your parents and how much you can gain through their support.

I think you should move out of your parents house ASAP. Your parents job was to raise you and prepare you for the big bad world. But now, you're on your own. They have no business contacts to help get you a job, they aren't socialising you by letting you meet new people, and they probably can't provide the financial support that you feel would allow you to kickstart your life.

You need your independence. I'd recommend living a short walk a town centre, and in a month-by-month house share with 2 other people people to see how it works out. You can always move back home and save the dole until you have another couple of thousand if it doesn't work out. You'll be no worse off than you are now.

Consider taking advantage of BTEA or if that's not an option do a job bridge internship with FAS for something to do during the day. A FAS course with work placement would be a brilliant idea too as you'd meet people on the course and the work placement would gain you recent/relevant experience.

Don't buy a car until you're earning at least €15,000 a year.

Miss Fluff

All great advice above. I think rather than look at your current predicament as one daunting mountain to climb you should take baby steps in order to improve your life and then other positive things will happen for you organically.

Are you eating properly or eating junk? Diet is a huge factor in mood.

Are you turning to any substances? If you're sparking up a quarter of weed every day then of course you'll lack motivation. Likewise with booze, if you're perpetually hungover you'll get nothing done.

I can't emphasise enough how much exercise will help also - I agree with all the above. It releases seretonin and is a natural mood enhancer - it will improve your sleep and make you more alert. Why don't you start with a half hour walk in the morning/light jogging and take it from there? You'll be amazed at how this will impact other facets of your life.

While I understand that your life is **** at the moment, every single element you mention from your social life to job situation to living arrangements - ALL, every single one of them, are within your own power to change which actually leaves you in a very fortunate position.

You're only young and have your whole life ahead of you so start making those small changes and then everything else will fall in place for you.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your suggestions. I appreciate you all taking the time to respond to me. I'm gonna go through the points to try and address each one so I apologise before hand for the length of this post.

Planning:
I have made many many plans with the best of intentions but they all inevitably fall apart. Either though procrastinating to the point of them becoming impossible to achieve (I'll apply to college next week, eventually missing the dead line) or I just lose interest or forget about them completely.

Exercise:
I know the benefits that if brings and how it would help me but even if I do push myself into doing a bit it never lasts. I find it impossible to get up in the mornings let alone get up to exercise. I have done it in the evenings but like all else I eventually forget about it or put it off so long that I never get round to it.

Counselling:
I might try and visit a counsellor at some stage. Is seems expensive though and I'm not sure what I would get out of it. Another "Try to get some exercise and set goals for yourself, only you can do this" talk wouldnt be of much help. Not that I dont appreciate it from you guys.

Job hunting:
As an unskilled person with no education and no transportation job hunting doesnt take up much of my day. I have checked the job situation in the towns with a hope of moving after finding a job but theres literally nothing for someone like myself.

Living at home:
I understand how it can be viewed as a stop gap between two lives and seen it that way myself at first. But when that stop gap looks ever increasingly like your future it is not good. On the other side of that I know I need to get out of here asap but I cant. I know I shouldnt be here and should be standing on my own two feet (did it from 18-26) but I cant seem to find a way back into my own life.

Courses:
I have done two and not finished either. Both online and I pulled my usual trick of not getting around to doing it. One would have been too difficult anyway but not the other. I'm looking at a full or part time course in a classroom environment to force myself to do the work but I have no transport and I'm not sure if FAS will find any more courses for me.

Helping out at home:
Same as everything I just dont do it. I dont have any drive to go and fix the fence, if I do make a list, plan or really push myself I just procrastinate, do a bit and forget the rest and fall back into the rut more depressed than ever.

Substances:
I dont do drugs. I get to the pub only on special occasions (maybe every 2-4 months). I gave up smoking last December because I just couldn’t afford it.

Food:
I go through phases eating crap and not eating as much crap. But as per usual if I do make an attempt to correct it it doesn’t last long.

You are only young:
I'm not far from 30 and I'm getting increasingly worried about making a move, combined with the fact that I cant seem to do that or for some reason I'm unwilling to do that I'm terrified about where I'm gonna be in 10 years.


TL;DR :
I have tried most things but all of them, have failed due to me being lazy. It all boils down to me being lazy and not having the drive to do these things. But where as its simple to say "get off your ass and do it" its quite another thing to get off your ass and do anything with a feeling of impending doom hanging over you and the knowledge that you have tried it all before many many times and each time fallen flat on your ass. Why will it be different this time.

Is there a cure for laziness ?

thefeatheredcat

Techi-Fan has actually raised some excellent points - especially about needing your independence.

It's too easy to say it's laziness, it's lack of motivation coupled with procrastination that is caused by an underlying factor and I think you have answered that for yourself in a way

End_O_My_Tether wrote: »

I'm not far from 30 and I'm getting increasingly worried about making a move, combined with the fact that I cant seem to do that or for some reason I'm unwilling to do that I'm terrified about where I'm gonna be in 10 years.

From the bottom of the TL;DL it seems more like you are afraid of failure (or afraid of accomplishment) and that causes you to procrastinate to abandoning whatever you are working towards. It could also be a lack of confidence or belief in yourself that is causing you to procrastinate.

End_O_My_Tether wrote: »

Living at home:
I understand how it can be viewed as a stop gap between two lives and seen it that way myself at first. But when that stop gap looks ever increasingly like your future it is not good. On the other side of that I know I need to get out of here asap but I cant. I know I shouldnt be here and should be standing on my own two feet (did it from 18-26) but I cant seem to find a way back into my own life.

The reason it is a stop-gap is that you are effectively staring down the inevitable future you WILL have, if you don't act on motivating yourself. You have to face that fear of being stuck at home living with your parents 2 years, 5 years, 10 years down the line without having accomplished something for yourself by yourself by your own motivation.

I spent some weeks on and off at my parents' house. It was lovely. And then it was not so lovely. And then I was getting agitated with myself because I was beginning to lose motivation because, even though it was lovely to be there (and still is now and again) it meant my life was less challenging and that I was actually being distracted from accomplishing things I wanted for myself because while my parents are generous and have no problem currently with me staying there, they didn't really mind the possibility of me being there inevitably.... nice in a way, but I do have my own life to lead and my own adventures to have and that's what motivates me because otherwise I know I'll in one way miss out on things for myself and also that I don't want to be trapped living in someone else's life, routine, and not having the ability to challenge myself and meet my own full potential and getting my life in order also because, I was being handed an easy option that didn't present a challenge or force me to move on or out quickly. It's a nice cushion to have, but sometimes, that's actually the problem, knowing there is a cushion to fall back on.

The point is really, Techi-Fan is right in the way that you need your independence, but you need to feel the need for that independence not just by the thought of frustration of your situation, but to feel it enough to force you to act and force you to be motivated to seek out that independence. In a sense, you may think you're missing out on nights out, living in town, etc, but you've actually accepted it in some level that actually you don't miss it, because while you have created opportunities to get yourself out of the rut, you have a difficulty with following them through to the end.

So you have to force yourself to follow through anything you start, until the end. And why you should, is that feeling of accomplishment, rather than defeat or failure. And once you get a taste of accomplishment if you haven't tasted it in a while, you'll want a bit more and start challenging yourself.

And even if you fail, that then is your motivator, to overcome that failure (or indeed fear of failure) to actually for yourself, succeed. And failure itself is nothing to be ashamed of or to be worried about feeling, it doesn't make you any less valid or equal or important as the next person because it does happen to lots of people in different areas of life with different aspects of life.

If you're not naturally self motivated, then perhaps if you don't have someone to push you, motivate you and encourage you, you need to create some devices for yourself to keep you motivated, to keep you focused and to be able to complete things including maintaining the interest in them or find a way to re-energise the interest should your interest wane.