Its all my fault!

LegacyUser

I've come on here in the hope that someone may be able to give me some advice.

I've made the biggest mistake of my life and I don't know how to put it right. For the last 3 years I have had the nicest, most loving, generous, kind ,smart and beautiful girlfriend. but now she has left me and its completely my fault.

This girl would of done anything for me but i've thrown it all away. I've made a complete mess of things because I took her for granted and even though I loved her I never really showed it. I was hard on her in so many ways, and without even realising it I was mean and heartless reducing her to tears on so many occasions. Any hopes she had for a future I continually dashed as I believed I had her and she wouldn't be going anywhere. I can see now that I made her life a misery and I cannot understand how and why she put up with my behaviour for so long. She never retaliated at any time, just took it every time i shouted at her. I'm so guilt ridden that i was so mean to such a good girl. I'm telling you this because I take full responsibility for what i did to her and I know now that i cannot be without her. She has moved out and taken all her things and does not want to want to be with me anymore. I broke her heart and she's finally had enough.

How can I possibly make her see that she's the only girl I want and I know what I did was so wrong. I'm completely lost without her now, little did I realise at the time how much she did for me and how much i relied on her. I never appreciated her just took her for granted because I believed she'd never leave me. I worry that she'll soon find someone that will love her and appreciate her for the way she deserves and i'll never see her again.

gmac102

WallaceGG wrote: »

I've come on here in the hope that someone may be able to give me some advice.

I've made the biggest mistake of my life and I don't know how to put it right. For the last 3 years I have had the nicest, most loving, generous, kind ,smart and beautiful girlfriend. but now she has left me and its completely my fault.

This girl would of done anything for me but i've thrown it all away. I've made a complete mess of things because I took her for granted and even though I loved her I never really showed it. I was hard on her in so many ways, and without even realising it I was mean and heartless reducing her to tears on so many occasions. Any hopes she had for a future I continually dashed as I believed I had her and she wouldn't be going anywhere. I can see now that I made her life a misery and I cannot understand how and why she put up with my behaviour for so long. She never retaliated at any time, just took it every time i shouted at her. I'm so guilt ridden that i was so mean to such a good girl. I'm telling you this because I take full responsibility for what i did to her and I know now that i cannot be without her. She has moved out and taken all her things and does not want to want to be with me anymore. I broke her heart and she's finally had enough.

How can I possibly make her see that she's the only girl I want and I know what I did was so wrong. I'm completely lost without her now, little did I realise at the time how much she did for me and how much i relied on her. I never appreciated her just took her for granted because I believed she'd never leave me. I worry that she'll soon find someone that will love her and appreciate her for the way she deserves and i'll never see her again.

sometimes it takes us to lose something/someone to see how much they mean to us, fight for her but if she still doesnt want you after that, move on and let her go!

best of luck

Neyite

What is with people lately that think they can treat someone like crap over and over and still feel they are entitled to yet another chance to hurt that person? There is no "reset" button in real life, you f*ck up, you pay the price.

Why on earth would she come back to you? You had 3 years of a chance and treated her appallingly. I'm sorry but you really dont deserve a second chance with the abuse and misery you gave her.

You treated her like sh!t because you thought she would never leave, I bet you got a right shock when she finally left, and all you can think about is that someone else might come along and treat her with love and affection, and that you will be left alone. If you really cared about her you would wish her well and hope that she meets someone that makes her happy, because you sure didnt.

Learn from it and resolve never to treat someone that badly again.

I am a friend

Shocking!!!

What's your excuse for reducing her to tears??? Why in the name of god do you think you deserve the time of day from her?

LegacyUser

As I said in my post I take full responsibility for my actions. The girl never once set a foot wrong but I ended up blaming her for things that werent even her fault. I do admit that I am somewhat controlling but the way i seen it was that I was doing everything for her best interests. I'm a pretty particular person, maybe a bit on the side of being obsessive so when things weren't right I did take it out on her. Why I did this I don't even know.
It's only now that I realise what I put her through. My mates have always told me how lucky I was to have such a great girl and they all envied what I had, my family loved her like a daughter and sister but I never truly appreciated her. How stupid I was.

Today I got a very long email from her explaining exactly everything I had done over the last couple of years and its left me shell shocked. I couldnt believe some of the things she said about how i'd made her feel. I honestly didnt realise what I had being doing. I've been so self obsessed about my own life and career that I put her to one side and didnt care.

She tells me she loves me with all her heart but that breaking up with me is her only option for now. Is there any hope that I can turn this around? I know I always fobbed her of whenever she mentioned marriage and children but I truly see now that my future is with her and I want to marry her but is it too late? how can I tell her how sorry I am?? and how much I really do love her. I dont want to lose her.

Taltos

While I understand this is a sensitive and emotion driven thread please keep your replies civil and constructive to the OP.
Badgering or abusive posts cannot be tolerated.

Taltos

Abi

Neyite got it in a nutshell.



OP, you're going to have to assess exactly why you would treat someone that way. You're only now looking into your behaviour because you've actually lost her. You knew how you were treating her beforehand, but thought you had her in the bag and that she'd never leave you.


Quite frankly, I'm happy for her. While that isn't exactly helpful to you per se, I'm glad she left when she did before things got more complicated, marriage, kids etc. It would have been a lot tougher on her.


I suggest you get some counseling to find out why you are sabotaging your relationships and needlessly upsetting women that, at present, you don't deserve.

I am a friend

Op I think after the mental and emotional trauma you have put her through, the best thing you can do is set her free to meet someone who won't treat her like that.

Do you know how to change? Do you know how to make change last? If you act the way you describe then the way you treated her is part of your make up and not just a once off thing. If you truly love her, you will know it's the best thing to do.

Abi

WallaceGG wrote: »

Is there any hope that I can turn this around? I know I always fobbed her of whenever she mentioned marriage and children but I truly see now that my future is with her and I want to marry her but is it too late? how can I tell her how sorry I am?? and how much I really do love her. I dont want to lose her.

I really think you should leave these things out of the equation. You're not the first or the last to realize too late how badly they've treated someone. So what now, you've lost her and NOW you're listening to her? I really think you'll promise her anything to get her back, but will probably fall back into the old routine again.


I stand by my previous post. You need to find out why you are doing this.

Neyite

She has done you a massive favour by detailing exactly where you were going wrong - that cannot have been easy to write. Take what she wrote and work with a counsellor on it.
For now, concentrate on fixing yourself. Forget about winning her back for now, because if you do, and she comes back you wont have learned a jot.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

She has done you a massive favour by detailing exactly where you were going wrong - that cannot have been easy to write. Take what she wrote and work with a counsellor on it.
For now, concentrate on fixing yourself. Forget about winning her back for now, because if you do, and she comes back you wont have learned a jot.

I really do see now that I have problems and because of these I've lost the only good thing in my life> If I don't try and fight for her I'm going to lose her, I know only too well that there are guys just waiting on the sidelines for this to happen, waiting to pounce as soon as I'm out of the way. I really want to show her that I'll change, I'll get the help I need but If I lose her now I'll never get her back. She wont speak to me, and she's turned of her phone. Im so angry with myself and I know she's really hurting right now because of me.

LostGirly

OP there's a saying out there that women tell each other all the time when men mess up:

"No man is worth your tears and the one that is would never make you cry"

Take what your ex has written to you and resolve to never ever do it again. I had an ex that really hurt and upset me throughout our relationship and I too wrote him a letter detailing why I spilt up with him and all the things that upset me while we were together. He acted like you did wanting me back etc. but I never went back there. I then saw him with a new girlfriend and he was a new man. He treated her so much better than he did me and it's not that he loved her more or anything like that it was because he learned from his mistakes.

Move on and learn from this for her sake, your sake and the sake of the next girl that you go out with.

Neyite

WallaceGG wrote: »

I really do see now that I have problems and because of these I've lost the only good thing in my life> If I don't try and fight for her I'm going to lose her, I know only too well that there are guys just waiting on the sidelines for this to happen, waiting to pounce as soon as I'm out of the way. I really want to show her that I'll change, I'll get the help I need but If I lose her now I'll never get her back. She wont speak to me, and she's turned of her phone. Im so angry with myself and I know she's really hurting right now because of me.

Ah here. You were not prepared to treat her right, yet all you are bothered about is that other guys will pounce.

You have not listened to her for the last.three.years. And you are still not listening to her: She does not want to talk to you, she has turned off her phone. She isnt hurting now because of you, she has hurted for years because of you and now she is trying to heal. Listen to her for once.

Instead of thinking about what you want, think about her. If she treated you like this would you want her back?

I am a friend

Neyite is right. you are still trying to control her and the situation. It's all About you and what you want....

HOw about you start changing now by giving her some head peace

Wompa1

WallaceGG wrote: »

I really do see now that I have problems and because of these I've lost the only good thing in my life> If I don't try and fight for her I'm going to lose her, I know only too well that there are guys just waiting on the sidelines for this to happen, waiting to pounce as soon as I'm out of the way. I really want to show her that I'll change, I'll get the help I need but If I lose her now I'll never get her back. She wont speak to me, and she's turned of her phone. Im so angry with myself and I know she's really hurting right now because of me.

I've never really been in a position yet where a relationship ended and I had the option to try and fight to get her back.

If I was you I'd send her an e-mail telling her you will do anything to get her back. You are appalled at your behaviour and you want your life to be with her and no one else. If she takes you back I suggest you plan a lot of things to show her how much you love her. Bring her on a long weekend away to somewhere nice..Donegal, Kilkenny, Galway..whatever. Watch her favorite movies with her. Talk openly about things and not just dismiss things. If I was you even if she doesn't answer her phone right now I'd send her flowers and a card to her house too. Make her a photo album of all the pictures you have with each other...assuming you weren't that selfish that you never took her away before...

Chinafoot

WallaceGG wrote: »

As I said in my post I take full responsibility for my actions. The girl never once set a foot wrong but I ended up blaming her for things that werent even her fault. I do admit that I am somewhat controlling but the way i seen it was that I was doing everything for her best interests.

OP that last line is seriously scary. Its a line trotted out by emotional abusers so often. "Its for your own good".

WallaceGG wrote: »

I'm a pretty particular person, maybe a bit on the side of being obsessive so when things weren't right I did take it out on her. Why I did this I don't even know.

If you don't know why you have treated her so badly how can you expect her to come back to you? Talk is cheap and the promise of change doesn't mean a thing after such prolonged bad treatment.

The behaviour you have described will not suddenly disappear because she decided to respect herself and leave. If you genuinely want her back then you need to show her you have changed, you can't just tell her. That means seeing a counsellor, getting to the root of your behaviour and working on yourself to change. From how you have described your behaviour this will most likely be a long process but its something you need to do for yourself.

In the meantime, let her go. You have hurt her so much over the last three years that she will need time to herself. She'll need to work on herself to regain the self-esteem that you took from her. She's made the first step by leaving you and you need to let her have that.

LegacyUser

I've taken on board alot of what has been said here even though it is hard to hear. I understand that she needs time alone and i understand that i've possibly lost the one and only good thing in my life and its something that I might just have to live with. I know I need help to change my ways but I really want her to know how much she means to me. My brother died in an accident a couple of years ago and I went through a very dark time and this girl really pulled me out of a very bad place but losing her is almost if not as devastating as losing him.

I am going to do my best to prove to her that I'll do anythings to get her back, anything she wants i'll try.
Thank you all for you comments, as I said even though it was tough to read them I needed to hear it. people tell me that i'll get over it, it takes time etc but she's a truly amazing girl and I want to fight for her. If she still decides she'd rather be alone then i'll let her go.

LegacyUser

Well its been a while since I last seen her but she contacted me at the week end and asked to meet up this week end. What this means I don't know, I'm trying not to put my hopes up. We do have some things that need sorting out alright but I secretly hope that maybe she wants to give things another try.

I know I probably don't deserve a second chance from her but I really think that I can change to be a better person especially If it means I have her back in my life.

BraziliaNZ

WallaceGG wrote: »

Well its been a while since I last seen her but she contacted me at the week end and asked to meet up this week end. What this means I don't know, I'm trying not to put my hopes up. We do have some things that need sorting out alright but I secretly hope that maybe she wants to give things another try.

I know I probably don't deserve a second chance from her but I really think that I can change to be a better person especially If it means I have her back in my life.

You don't change to get someone back. Forget about it. Jesus I'm just sick of everyone on this forum pining for lost relationships, I've been guilty of it myself too, but they end for a reason and 99.999999999% of the time that's it, it's over, finito. They nearly NEVER come back. Especially not when you have treated her horribly. Why would she come back? Most men are not like you, they are good people who appreciate their partners as fellow human beings. Not a childish selfish weak man which you seem to be. So just change yourself for the better anyway, you sound like a terrible partner in my opinion, you screwed it up with her, you are controlling, get your act together and keep it that way and maybe some day you'll deserve a loving partner, but sounds to me like she had enough.

Herrick

OP from what you posted you really do seem to have given her an awful few years of torment and I don't blame the girl for leaving.

But at the same time, if you truly are prepared to honestly try and sort yourself out and are genuine, then you really should speak to someone and find out why you have these issues.

She wants to meet with you, for what reason we don't yet know. Maybe she only wants to end things properly and arrange to give you your stuff back, or perhaps the poor girl loves you so much she still holds out hope of fixing things.

I'm telling you this now and listen carefully. IF she wants to try and sort things you need to make a serius effort to show her you want to fix things. Do not do what most do, say you will change, but go back to making her life a misery again. Remember exactly how shocked and awful you felt, re-read that email every day to remind you how she felt.

If shes offers hope of reconciliation, tell her you will go to counselling, get anger management and what ever else is needed to help you. SHOW her you are serious about changing.

Most people here are telling you to leave her be and I would tend to agree. But if you honestly love her as much as much as you say you do and for some reason she still holds out hope too then maybe, just maybe, it might be worth a shot.

Degringola

From the OP: "My brother died in an accident a couple of years ago and I went through a very dark time and this girl really pulled me out of a very bad place "

And you STILL went on to treat her badly! I think you should respect her decision.

I am a friend

Yeah it really is a bullsh1t excuse... My only sibling died suddenly this year and I don't think, no matter how low I am, that it gives me an excuse to treat my oh badly.... In reality, the fact they were so good to me at the time means I need to show my thanks by treating him extremely well.

You are using stuff as an excuse for your bullying behaviour. As long as you continue to do this, you are not changing...

LegacyUser

I am a friend - sorry I seem to have come across as using my brothers death as an excuse, what i meant was that my ex did so much for me back then and took me out of a very dark place, I owe her everything.

Herrick - thanks for your post, I really am willing to do anything. I have since made an appointment with a councillor for next week to make a start on trying to get to the bottom of my problems. i know it will be a long road and If she is willing to stand by me I will continue to show her that making her happy is my priority. I know i've done wrong, and I know i completely took her for granted.
It really is true when they say you dont know what you had until its gone. I've learned the hard way.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring a reconciliation and maybe the chance to start putting things right.

Groom!

The best of luck tomorrow OP and hope it all works out for you.

qwertytlk

You know how bad you have been and what you have done wrong so im not going to go over that again. But my advice is that you go seek counselling, anger management...whatever you need to do to change and deal with you issues, then go and do it.
Thi is the only way you have a chance of reuinting with this girl. And even if you dont end up working things out with her, you still need to sort out your issues or else you will destroy any future relationships you may have too.

I know you have gotten a big shock now because she has left and explaied to you in detail how much you hurt her, so your probably thinking if she took you back you would be so greatful that you would change and never mistreat her again. But the truth is you wouldnt, you would get comfortable after a while and revert back to you old behaviour. So you need to work on changing.
If this is something you would consider doing then talk to her about it and ask her would she be willing to try again, if and when you have yourself sorted (as you would need to stay apart while you were making these changes ) and see how she reacts.

Best of luck and i hope you do put the effort it and sort out your problems.

gerryk

WallaceGG wrote: »

... The girl never once set a foot wrong but I ended up blaming her for things that werent even her fault. I do admit that I am somewhat controlling but the way i seen it was that I was doing everything for her best interests. I'm a pretty particular person, maybe a bit on the side of being obsessive so when things weren't right I did take it out on her. Why I did this I don't even know.

Before you continue to entertain any thoughts of reconciliation, you really need to address this last sentence.

If you are truly unaware of the causes of your behaviour, you really need to consider whether "another chance" will end up in anything but a revisitation of your previous behaviour.

In my opinion, you need to do some work on yourself, probbaly with the guidance of a professional therapist. Only afterwards should you consider any attempts at trying to get your second chance.

Lon Dubh

<The girl never once set a foot wrong but I ended up blaming her for things that werent even her fault. I do admit that I am somewhat controlling but the way i seen it was that I was doing everything for her best interests. I'm a pretty particular person, maybe a bit on the side of being obsessive so when things weren't right I did take it out on her. Why I did this I don't even know. It's only now that I realise what I put her through.>


While it is good that you are beginning to recognise that your behaviour was abusive, you sound like you are still trying to minimise and justify it. You sound like you are saying that some of it was for her own good, and that you meant well, as if that makes it ok. That is a very old excuse for abusive behaviour.

And this struck me from your post, why try to qualify the controlling with "somewhat". Once someone is controlling in a relationship they are controlling. Once they are abusive, they are abusive. There is no halfway house. Much like there is no "sort of alcoholic". The victim is constantly under a threat of the abuse and ends up basically ruled and controlled by it all the time.


< I was hard on her in so many ways, and without even realising it I was mean and heartless reducing her to tears on so many occasions.>

I find it hard to believe that you were that oblivious to what you were doing if she was reduced to tears, but if you were it shows that you really have an awful lot of work to do on yourself before you should get into a relationship with anybody.

You were mean to her because you got something out of it, some sort of pay-off, and you need to get some insight into what in order to try to stop it (if you want to stop it). You need some better ways of dealing with your feelings, issues, disagreements etc. other than by bullying someone. Maybe you had poor role models in your parents and are only copying what they are doing? (Not that this means your behaviour was ok, but just that it will take a lot of work and effort for you to learn differnt ways)

At least you seem to be recognising the problem to some extent, so there is some hope of change, though on the other hand you are coming across very selfish and primarily concerned with your own pain in your posts. (In other words, though you express some interest in changing, your behaviour is indicating that you are again only concerned with your own pain, and only acting out of a selfish interest to get what you want.)

< I really want to show her that I'll change, I'll get the help I need but If I lose her now I'll never get her back>

Is that promise of change for the future? (Like an alcoholic saying they will give up the drink, but only if...?)

Are you actually doing anything practical in terms of getting help to change your abusive behaviour? If not, talk is cheap, and I think you might just be promising to change to get what you want, and if you get what you want, you will soon be back to your old ways.

I think she needs time away from you to heal, but you also need time to work on yourself as well. At the moment I think you are not in a position to be in a positive relationship with anyone as you probably don't know how to be.

Chinafoot

WallaceGG wrote: »

i know it will be a long road and If she is willing to stand by me I will continue to show her that making her happy is my priority.

OP, while I commend you for taking the first steps to sorting your problems out, I think it is selfish in the extreme to expect this girl to hold your hand along the way after how you have treated her. Get yourself help and leave her out of it.

IF, when you have yourself in a better place mentally and emtionally, she decides that she would like to try again take it from there.

You have already, by your own admission, treated this girl appallingly. Don't you think you've done enough?

I am a friend

Chinafoot wrote: »

You have already, by your own admission, treated this girl appallingly. Don't you think you've done enough?

No he doesn't cos it's still all about what he wants and not at all about her..

estar

hi there

sometimes bad things happen that can turn into good things. you have had a shocking insight into your own behaviour which is never easy. rather than jumping back into a dash to get her back why not reflect on why you are so controlling and need things a certain way. why would you think that reducing someone to tears on a regular basis would constitute a stable and healthy relationship. where does that come from in your history and more importantly how can you free yourself from this pattern of behaviour for good.take this to a psychologist that deals with relationships and emotional issues and talk about it. understand why you behaved the way you did. that is what i would do anyway before rushing back into a relationship that has proven devastating to you both. none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, show you are sorry by changing and by vowing to live the rest of your life in a different way and things will hopefully work out for you. mostly we have to lose something valuable before we are motivated to make changes. you arent the first you wont be the last.

Tiocfaidh Armani

Just to echo a piece of advice you got. I would show her you mean business by speaking to a counsellor and telling her exactly how you feel and tell her how you realise how you've behaved. But most of all show her by speaking to someone about your behaviour. Talk is cheap, she deserves actions.

Some harsh advice on here but some good advice. Good luck with it.