Possible to change??

LegacyUser

Is it possible for someone to change their whole personality in a matter of 2 months??
I ask tis because I recently got out of a 4 year relationship with a man who emotionally and mentally abused me on daily basis so much so that I was left a complete mess.
He wants me to come back saying that he has changed and has seen the error of his ways and knows how badly he treated me and it will never be like that ever again.

In one way I want to believe him because even after the distress he put me through I still love him and when things were good they were really good.

On the other hand I found it extremely hard to break away from him and have now began to build a life for myself again and feel like im getting back on track again after all the heartache, tears and sleepness nights.

So can he change? can a person who is controlling, demanding, and abusive change his ways in 2 months? or ever??

Miss Fluff

Talk is so cheap. What has led you to believe that he could possibly change from being an abusive monster EVERY DAY for four years to suddenly being the perfect man? Are you kidding?

You said yourself that he is controlling, demanding and abusive. Reeling you back in with lies and manipulation and empty promises is all part of his controlling nature.

Don't entertain him hon. Ignore his calls and start getting on with your life without him. You've been brave in breaking free so don't let him wear you down. He hasn't changed.

I am a friend

2 months is a very short time in which tohave a personality transplant. has he undergone counselling? If so, that could be a start but if not then he is not taking his actions seriously and it's very unlikely he has changed enough. In any event evEn 2 months of intensive counselling would not be enough.

Op bullies seldom change. He knows he can bully and abuse you and if you go back to him he knows he has you and I suspect it won't be long til he reverts to type again.

You have done so well to get this far so why turn back down that dark road?

floorpie

xxDezziexx wrote: »

Is it possible for someone to change their whole personality in a matter of 2 months??
I ask tis because I recently got out of a 4 year relationship with a man who emotionally and mentally abused me on daily basis so much so that I was left a complete mess.
He wants me to come back saying that he has changed and has seen the error of his ways and knows how badly he treated me and it will never be like that ever again.

In one way I want to believe him because even after the distress he put me through I still love him and when things were good they were really good.

On the other hand I found it extremely hard to break away from him and have now began to build a life for myself again and feel like im getting back on track again after all the heartache, tears and sleepness nights.

So can he change? can a person who is controlling, demanding, and abusive change his ways in 2 months? or ever??

Yeah a person can change, probably not in two months. Of course he sees the error of his ways, that's one of the first steps that a person who's broken up with goes through, but he hasn't had time to grow and respond to his new knowledge, and neither have you. If you get back together now there's a strong chance that you'll fall into the same patterns. If you come back together after a year, say, you both might have established new ways of thinking which will help avoid old issues.

LegacyUser

sounds like me....

I realised after my relationship with the woman I truly loved ended because of my idiotic and irrational behaviour that I had some serious emotional problems which manifest themselves in a variety of destructive ways.

So... I set out to "change" myself and what I found was that it is one of the most protracted drawn out processes a person can undertake. That was nearly 2 years ago now and every couple of weeks something else from my memory will present itself and make me go "Oh crap.... is that how I acted/reacted" which in turn casts light on other issues. This process can (and should) go on ad infinitum FOR EVERYBODY. i can safely say that while I feel I have made progress in comparison to when I began this, I am not yet "changed". But I take comfort in a way that I have actually had the balls to try which helps with the overall plan.

So to answer your question, personally I don't think it's possible to "change" in 2 months.... It's possible to reconcile with your self that you NEED to change but short of a near death experience or some such epiphany not possible to "change".

Hope this helps in some way....

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Talk is so cheap. What has led you to believe that he could possibly change from being an abusive monster EVERY DAY for four years to suddenly being the perfect man? Are you kidding?

You said yourself that he is controlling, demanding and abusive. Reeling you back in with lies and manipulation and empty promises is all part of his controlling nature.

Don't entertain him hon. Ignore his calls and start getting on with your life without him. You've been brave in breaking free so don't let him wear you down. He hasn't changed.

Maybe just hope Miss Fluff! I honestly felt like I had gotten myself over the worst of the break up even though things are hard at times I felt they are somewhat on the up.

That was until I agreed to meet him the other night. Why i agrred to this I'm not sure, maybe it was just to hear him out, to see if he really understood what he had done to me and if he was in any way sorry for it.

Unfortunatley I feel as if this meeting did more harm than good. I've resorted back to thinking that maybe things could be good again and Im angry at myself for feeling like that. I won't even go into what he put me through the last 2 yrs we lived together but I can feel myselt starting to forgive and begining to soften towards him.
I truly tried everything I could when we were together for us to be happy but I never seemed to e able to do enough. In some ways I really wish he was able to change but in the back of my mind I think its impossible.

Neyite

xxDezziexx wrote: »

Is it possible for someone to change their whole personality in a matter of 2 months??
I ask tis because I recently got out of a 4 year relationship with a man who emotionally and mentally abused me on daily basis so much so that I was left a complete mess.
He wants me to come back saying that he has changed and has seen the error of his ways and knows how badly he treated me and it will never be like that ever again.

In one way I want to believe him because even after the distress he put me through I still love him and when things were good they were really good.

On the other hand I found it extremely hard to break away from him and have now began to build a life for myself again and feel like im getting back on track again after all the heartache, tears and sleepness nights.

So can he change? can a person who is controlling, demanding, and abusive change his ways in 2 months? or ever??

Nope. Not possible to change abusive behaviour like his unless he has had extensive and prolonged counselling. Possibly never. Certainly not in 2 months. I would suggest speaking to a counsellor in a womens refuge about it.

He is saying this to get you back. And if you do go back, things will be lovely for a while, then get progressivly worse until you are worse off than when you left before. Its tactics on his part. He had somebody he could manipulate and control, and that took years of subtle effort on his part. Its easier to persuade you to return rather than find another vunerable woman he can intimadate and control. Dont fall for it.

Keep building your new life - many wonderful things will await you. You will look back on this break from him with the realisation that you are stronger and more beautiful (inside and out) than you ever believed you were with him. You have overcome the hardest part -breaking free. Trust me. I have been where you are now some years ago.

seenitall

No, OP, just NO!

Whatever you do, don't go back there!

Changing an abusive personality takes a lot of courage for facing oneself and then going through a huge amount of quite hurtful insight into oneself. Does that sound like something your ex would ever be in danger of doing, except perhaps on his death-bed? Does your ex sound like a man who has been through all that (in 2 months :rolleyes:) and come the other side as a changed, non-abusive, gentle man?

Don't kid yourself. Please don't go back there. Your happiness lies in your future, not your past. Believe it!

IrishEyes19

They do say, people never change but we dont know you or your partner enough to access whether its possible.

my advice would be to give it longer than 2 months. Its far too early now to make snap decisions. As another poster said, talk is cheap. you are obviously a good woman and he knows he's screwed up, but 2 months just isnt long enough. He needs to give you the emotional and physical space you need to move into a better place before you could even consider having him back. Within that time you may realise he isnt the man you want to be with and perhaps he may change, who knows. I wouldnt hold out hope though. If I were you, I would change things, if you live with him, perhaps move out for time being, do other hobbies, activities without him. He needs a sharp lesson, OP, and to be honest. Any man or woman who is abusive does not deserve a second chance in my opinion. Im not sure I could trust them again

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

They do say, people never change but we dont know you or your partner enough to access whether its possible.

my advice would be to give it longer than 2 months. Its far too early now to make snap decisions. As another poster said, talk is cheap. you are obviously a good woman and he knows he's screwed up, but 2 months just isnt long enough. He needs to give you the emotional and physical space you need to move into a better place before you could even consider having him back. Within that time you may realise he isnt the man you want to be with and perhaps he may change, who knows. I wouldnt hold out hope though. If I were you, I would change things, if you live with him, perhaps move out for time being, do other hobbies, activities without him. He needs a sharp lesson, OP, and to be honest. Any man or woman who is abusive does not deserve a second chance in my opinion. Im not sure I could trust them again

Hi IrishEyes,

I've tried to tell him I need more time but he says the longer we are apart the further apart we'll grow. I moved out a couple of months ago when I decided we needed to part ways. He tells me he has been to a doctor as he has become depressed about everything but I feel that he needs more help than this. A few pills arent going to help.
I suppose after the time we spent together I live in hope that he'll see the way he has acted and seeks some counselling to work through his issues. I was completely exhausted in that relationship, he was such hard work.

Miss Fluff

Maybe just hope Miss Fluff! I honestly felt like I had gotten myself over the worst of the break up even though things are hard at times I felt they are somewhat on the up.

A break up is like a bereavement so you're going to have good days and bad days hon. You are only out of a 4-year relationship for 2 very short months. That's only a matter of weeks really so while you're going to have days where you feel great you are also going to have days where you feel sad, lonely and perhaps view the relationship in a rose-tinted fashion that's really not warranted.

Unfortunatley I feel as if this meeting did more harm than good. I've resorted back to thinking that maybe things could be good again and Im angry at myself for feeling like that. I won't even go into what he put me through the last 2 yrs we lived together but I can feel myselt starting to forgive and begining to soften towards him.

How bad were things over the last two years? I ask because it may be useful for yourself to write them down and remind yourself how bad things got.

Sounds to me like he caught you when you were feeling vulnerable, and he probably knows that too.

My advice to be would be to get your head straight and sever all contact with him. Don't accept calls or texts or emails, block his number - have zero correspondence and ask him to respect that. Give yourself time to see how you really feel about all of this.

Right now your judgement is being clouded (and disrupted) by him catching you at a weak moment. Maybe you can work through it and perhaps he will turn over a miraculous new leaf and become a kind and gentle soul BUT you need time and space away from one another to decide if you want to work on it or not.

Hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

A break up is like a bereavement so you're going to have good days and bad days hon. You are only out of a 4-year relationship for 2 very short months. That's only a matter of weeks really so while you're going to have days where you feel great you are also going to have days where you feel sad, lonely and perhaps view the relationship in a rose-tinted fashion that's really not warranted.



How bad were things over the last two years? I ask because it may be useful for yourself to write them down and remind yourself how bad things got.

Sounds to me like he caught you when you were feeling vulnerable, and he probably knows that too.

My advice to be would be to get your head straight and sever all contact with him. Don't accept calls or texts or emails, block his number - have zero correspondence and ask him to respect that. Give yourself time to see how you really feel about all of this.

Right now your judgement is being clouded (and disrupted) by him catching you at a weak moment. Maybe you can work through it and perhaps he will turn over a miraculous new leaf and become a kind and gentle soul BUT you need time and space away from one another to decide if you want to work on it or not.

Hope things work out for you.

Rose tinted glasses are the problem at the moment, I keep looking back when things were good and he treated me well but then all of a sudden I remember a time when things were really bad. I dont really want to go into what happened, all I will say is that im not the same girl I was before I met him. Just a wreck.

Time away as you say is the only option for me now, I do feel lonely alot and rather lost as I was so used to having him there even though it was toxic alot of the time. Friends and family are a big help though.

Thanks for your advice Miss Fluff

Taltos

OP - people can and do change. However rarely overnight.

Ask yourself this -
1) what steps has he taken to change?
>> is he attending counselling. Not just once - but as frequently and consistently as possible.
>> Is he willing to regularly attend couples counselling with you? (and will he do this before you get back together to allow you time to really consider what is best for you)

2) what evidence is there he has changed?
>> do you really see a change or does he remind you more of who he was? If he is just who he was you need to consider that this might still all be him not exactly lying but more fooling even himself, as easy as it has been to switch to old behaviour he can just as easily switch to his bad behaviour.

Only you can really know what is best for you to do here - but in two months - have you not finally been able to find some peace? If so - are you sure you want to give up on that and the chance for future happiness with someone who isn't so harsh with you?

I am a friend

Op you sound like a really good person and you know in your heart of hearts that the relationship is so toxic that it's damaging to your mental health. Keep moving on and cut contact with him. A few token pills will not replace the years of work he needs to do on himself.

IrishEyes19

xxDezziexx wrote: »

Hi IrishEyes,

I've tried to tell him I need more time but he says the longer we are apart the further apart we'll grow. I moved out a couple of months ago when I decided we needed to part ways. He tells me he has been to a doctor as he has become depressed about everything but I feel that he needs more help than this. A few pills arent going to help.
I suppose after the time we spent together I live in hope that he'll see the way he has acted and seeks some counselling to work through his issues. I was completely exhausted in that relationship, he was such hard work.

That I understand. But has he apologised, has he said where he went wrong. The problem here is, its you who has been abused here, not him. And yet its all about him. Depression is awful, that I agree and on that part Im sure you are sorry for him, and you right, seeing a doctor just isnt enough if this abuse has gone on for a long time. And yes you would live in hope, this is someone you love but a relationship shouldnt be 90 percent hard work ever. Make this about you right now. The, we'll grow apart thing sounds like manipulation to me. If anything an abusive relationship is something that would make me grow apart.

maxwell smart

It is possible to change. Over the course of 2 months I've gone from a loving husband to a jealous crazy man. But the real me is still the calm guy inside. So maybe he might be the opposite, changed on the outside and the same on the inside.

I guess the question is, is he worth the risk? Only you know

Good Luck

fungun

he says the longer we are apart the further apart we'll grow

Sounds like he is trying to manipulate you back in to the relationship so I dont think he has changed at all. If he really felt apologetic for the way he treated you, he would understand your need for time.

Please, please do not go back; think of the strength it took to leave and what drove you to it and this would all be worthless if you go back. And it will be harder next time. Congratulations on doing it - so many people dont have this strength - now be strong and see it through!

Lon Dubh

fungun wrote: »

Sounds like he is trying to manipulate you back in to the relationship so I dont think he has changed at all. If he really felt apologetic for the way he treated you, he would understand your need for time.

Please, please do not go back; think of the strength it took to leave and what drove you to it and this would all be worthless if you go back. And it will be harder next time. Congratulations on doing it - so many people dont have this strength - now be strong and see it through!

Yes, he sounds like he is still the same to me, trying to guilt trip you back into the relationship (and as someone else pointed out it is still all about him and his needs). No one could change that fundamentally in 2 months, which means he is either knowingly lying to you about changing, or has no insight into his own behaviour and problems so is not changed. Either way it is the same end result, he is still bad news.

The other side of this is that you will be injured by the abuse, possibly in many ways you won't realise for a while. I think it could be good for you to take some healing time for yourself, and time to put yourself first. Ideally you should probably not get into ANY relationship for a while, and especially not with someone who has engaged in abusive behaviour in the past.

I don't know if you would consider counselling but it might help you. It can be a good place to let out frustration if nothing else. I know in the UK there are specific programmes for people coming out of abusive relationships, but I don't know if they exist here. You could always contact women's aid to see, and also maybe ask any potential counsellors if they have had any experience with people who have suffered emotional abuse.

There would probably be books in your local library as well on emotional abuse (I got a few in my local library) which can be a bit of an eye opener, as many abusers have similar patterns of behaviour and play similar mind-games. Something you might have thought specific to your relationship could turn out to be common to abusive relationships.

I know someone who was in an abusive relationship for about 15 years and their life has been ruined by it. They left once but went back as the abuser pretended to have changed (while at the same time playing manipulative mind-games on them). The abusive partner also got physically abusive after a while. Please don't go there, it is easy to get totally sucked in and end up feeling trapped like you cannot leave (especially if you end up pregnant).

dancesatnight

i changed who i am with the help of counselling and antidepressents
i used to cheat on my gf's, drink to much, do drugs and all coz i was messed up inside and not emotionaly invest in realtionships i never knew what true love was till i meet the girl i meet

it took the love of an amazing woman and losing her to make me realise i had to changed
if he really really wants to change its possible but its takes a hell of a lot of hard work on his side on the inside!
id say time will tell and if the love is strong enough it will work