son maybe drug dealer

LegacyUser

Hi all, i have gone unreg for this for reasons that will be plain.

some background: last year my wife had an affair, not her frist, we almost split up over it. months of fights finally led to a bout of depression on my part. after taking anti deppresants for the last 6 months things have calmed done between us. i have quit taking the tablets in the last 3/4 weeks and have felt myself struggling on a day to day basis.

in june i caught my son and his friend smoking weed in the house. he was,i believe the term is,baked. I grounded him for a month,told his friends parents and lectured him on the dangers.
his friend was not punished. it was not his frist time getting caught.

in august i caught them both again,this time smoking cigs,in the house. he also admitted to stealing beer from us.
grounded again.

three weeks ago he was out hanging around in a nearby street and was seen throwing stones and bangers at a couples house. i cracked up and grounded him again. while i was at it i insisted he clean his room which was a mess.he finally cleaned it yesterday when i sat ther and nagged him.three weeks ago we found comments on facebook where he appeared to be offering drugs for sale to his friends. he laughed it off as facebook chat.

today was his frist time out after three weeks. my older son found tablets in his room this evening.two blue,one red,two yellow. the same ones he offered on facebook. he did not have these tablets yesterday.

he claims to have found them in school but cannot explain why he did not hand them in or tell his mother or me.

i have no clue what to do next. i can see grounding is not working.even when he lost his x box,use of the laptop and pc he still appeared not to care. i am afraid to out him to his school or friends or family in case he gets a reputation. but i can't allow him to get away with this. if he is this bad at 13 what will he be like at 18 or 25?

advice would be welcome right now

LegacyUser

Does your son know about the affair? Either way its likely that because your so down over it that he feels you have lost some authority. I dont think he respects you. I would get out of that toxic relationship (not her first time?!?) and get your confidence back. Kids can sense when they can get a bit of leeway and its probably obvious to your kid that right now he can act out. Is your wife coming down on the kid too? Is it possible that the kid knows about the affairs and it angers him and this is his way to escape?

username123

What about asking your local community guard to have a chat with him? You dont have to tell the guard about your suspicions that he is dealing, just that youve caught him stoned and are worried about his behaviour. It might give him enough of a fright to rethink his actions?

Id also remove computer access until he proves himself worthy of such a privelege.

kjl

Log onto http://www.pillreports.com/index.php?page=region_home&region=2&sub_region=47 and see if you can find the pills on the site. If you do it is very unlikely that he found them in school.

+1 on remove computer, or block facebook (which can be done)

Not sure how you would proceed to be honest, but clearly grounding isn't working.

Taltos

All - please refrain from posting links in PI/RI - these breach our charter and can result in warning/infractions/bans.

Taltos

Morag

Brig him to the family dr get the dr to talk to him about the efffects of such drugs on a kid who's not grown up yet, give him a chance to talk to the dr alone about any issues. Make an appointment with his tutor in school and see what the story is there, the school will be able to get access to a counsellor for him.

He's 13, you haven't lost complete control of him yet, but it's going to take hard work and a lot of hard converstations and standing your ground.

Also see about getting your self some help to process everything thats been going on.

Taltos

Sharrow wrote: »

Brig him to the family dr get the dr to talk to him about the efffects of such drugs on a kid who's not grown up yet, give him a chance to talk to the dr alone about any issues. Make an appointment with his tutor in school and see what the story is there, the school will be able to get access to a counsellor for him.

He's 13, you haven't lost complete control of him yet, but it's going to take hard work and a lot of hard converstations and standing your ground.

Also see about getting your self some help to process everything thats been going on.

Or see about a visit to a treatment centre where he can talk to recovering addicts to really see the true impact of the choices he is making now. For example:
> loss of home - at some point you may be forced to kick him out as abhorrent as that is.
> loss of freedom - spending time in jail
> loss of opportunities - with a conviction travel to many countries will be restricted

As a 13 year old he may not fully realise just what he is risking - although maybe he does.

I am a friend

He loses all priviledges - privacy included until this is sorted. His school bag and room should be checked at random and he needs to be brought to see someone with regard his drug taking. This is shocking

Justask

Oh my heart goes out to you and your wife. First off stand together with your wife and make sure he knows its a united front.

Now all this is just my advice and opinions I.ve a son of the same age. Taking away everything from him is going to have little effect.Its ok for something less serious. Find out where your nearest methadone clinic is. Put him in the car and make him sit there for the day Not an an hour THE DAY, with you. Show him the real way these things end. if you are in Dublin walk up and down the boardwalk for a while aswell.
Get your local liasion officer involved. They are on your side! and will help you.

Sport sport sport!!!! teenage boys need to get rid of some of the hormones. See what clubs are in your area football, boxing fencing etc thre must be something that will grab his attention.
See if there is a local dog pound in your area (if he likes dogs) and both of you volenteer walking dogs together. I know for a 13 yr old this is not cool but make him do it once or twice just to see if he like it.

IMO going against him is not the answer. He is just going to rebel more and i think it will get worse.
Good luck to you and your family

Eric Cartman

Just on the point im not going to preach about it but weed is not addictive and aside from obviously the risks of smoking i wouldnt be too worried beyond that for his health, its the legal implications and also the fact that hes so young i would be concerned about.

Chances are he didnt just wake up one morning and decide that drugs were a good idea , theres probably a friend or local dealer who got close to him. if he cops on id say hell just keep them in a friends house or find a stash spot. Id sit him down and explain the usual legal risks / not going to america etc... then ask him is it a money issue or is it just to fit in if he is dealing , there is quite a high chance that it is however him and a small group of friends just experimenting and hes just buying them for them all and finding out who wants what.

I dont know if youll ever solve this entirely but some people turn to drugs as a coping mechanism, considering the affair , before this were you lashing out or taking it out on him ??

and if it helps in any way , myself and my friends were the same (although later than 13) and were all functioning members of society now so its not the worst thing that could happen.

CrazyRabbit

Well lots of posts above about treating the symptoms (drug taking/selling, stealing & vandalism). No posts that I can see about treating the cause.

You mentioned your wife's affair, so I can only assume that you think this may be the cause, or part of the cause of your sons behaviour. Perhaps it is. The only way that you are truly going to tackle this problem is to find the root cause. And that involves 2 way communication with your son and some brutal honesty.
I don't know you or your son, so I can't advise on how exactly to go about this, but I suggest sitting down one-on-one with him (not two-on-one), and explaining to him why you are so disappointed and scared. It's important to do this when you are all in good moods. Do NOT get into a fight or become angry. Any sort of confrontation will only cause harm. Open up to him...show some vulnerability and he may just open up to you a little. Don't push it...you need to re-build trust.

If you do go with punishments, then I suggest getting your son to agree to punishments in advance...i.e, he agrees to submit to an agreed punishment if he breaks some agreed rules. That way, he's punishing himself if he breaks the rules, and you're not the 'bad guy'. It's a good way to instil self-discipline.

qwertytlk

Hi, i have a degree in addiction studies and have worked in a drop in cnetre for drug users so have first hand experience of these types of situations.
So, Firstly do you know what the pills were? They are unlikely to be ecstasy because of their colour, it is possible they are prescription medication such as valium. Which are highly addictive and can cause users to have fits when withdrawing.
In my opinion the story about finding thm is a load of rubbish so you should try and find out where he got them and why he thought this would be a good idea. Has he done it before? Clearly he is dabbling in drugs as you have caught him smoking weed and drinking.
My advice would be to sit him down in a calm and rational manner and talk to him about what he is doing, where he got them. Do it in such a way where he will feel he can open up and be honest, i.e not lecturing,shouting or giving out. That way you will most likely find out the most innformation. Has he admitted any other drug use apart from the weed?
Im not sure if you are aware but you can buy home drug tests from the pharmacy now, they are approx €20 and test for all drugs including cannabis. It may be an idea to test him of you feel you are getting no where talking to him, or are not getting the truth.
You could also arrange for him to see a drug counsellor. I know the things iv mentioned may seem extreme but this is an extreme situation that needs to be nipped in the bud before it gets out of control, which in my experience can happen so quickly, you would not believe it. Afterall he is 13.
I hope this helps, best of luck.

LegacyUser

hi all,thanks for the replies. I calmed down a little since posting this. I sat down with son and had a good long talk. I raised the issues mentioned here,drug conviction preventing holidays or travel aboard. the ease of slipping onto harder drugs,the fears that i have for him and the deep disappointment i feel because i feel like i let him down.

he was quick to say that it was his choice to take them and not anything to do with me. while talking he tried to convince me that he had it all under control and would never be an addict.I pointed out that no one ever sets out to be an addict. it creeps up slowly. i was able to point to some locals of an older age who my son hates cos thier "scumbags".

then i was able to compare what he is doing "having a laugh" with what they are doing. he soon saw the similarities. it was an eye opener for him. he had never really thought about how his actions looked to others. he knew he was a good kid just experimenting but strangers could see him as a scumbag. it was a blow to his pride.

for now things are calm,he has taken to being very helpful around the house while showing a lot of remorse. I'm a paranoid kinda guy so will appear to trust while at the same time watch him very,very carefully. time will tell.

thank you all for the advice,i guess i knew it all already but needed to hear it from someone else. anything further and i will update this thread

I am a friend

Op while this all sounds positive you need to keep a very, very close eye forever. He us v young to be starting this and must have a lot of spare time. He needs to be kept very busy by you at home / studying or with sports. Given what he has been up to free time should be a privilege to be earned and not a given..

A word to the wise - people will say / promise anything to keep a drug habit going - are you sure it's not the case here.

CrazyRabbit

Agreed...a hobby (one that requires some, but not a lot of money) is great. It would keep him busy and give him something good to spend money on.

Sounds like good progress though. It's very positive that he didn't turn defensive.

LegacyUser

I just want to point something out:

You say your wife has had an affair twice, is it possible that you are overly trustworthy and gullible and your wife and son and can see that?

How sure are you that your son wasn't simply telling you what you want to hear? I find it hard to believe that a 13 year old (who always think they know everything) would genuinely agree that they may not have it all sussed. Just something to watch out for.

gerryk

You seem to be handling this as well as can be expected. Appealing to his sense of pride, and to his sense of having let you down, or worse (better?) that you feel that you have let him down is probably one of the few things that will get through to him. Taking a strong judgemental or adversarial position is probably not a good idea, as all this will do is cause him to shut down and kick against you.
Despite my belief that there is no inherent wrong in cannabis and the use thereof (by adults!), I am going to go against the one or two that mentioned its benign properties, and focus on the fact that he is 13. His brain has not finished forming. His mental and emotional faculties are still malleable and can and will be affected permanently by actions he undertakes now. He most likely doesn't understand this, but if you can impress on him that there is plenty of time for 'having a laugh' when you don't have to bear the consequences for the rest of your life. Leave the experimentation until he is mentally and physically strong enough.