fed up.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately me and the other half can't live together for the foreseeable future, because of major work/money difficulties. Been together 1.5 years. He lives in a house with 4 guys. I live with my parents, in a different county. Because of our work schedules and the distance involved we see each-other once a fortnight. His house is totally disgusting. Like, revolting. Of course he thinks its grand and that I just moan about nothing. From my end I'm sure its a danger to health! There's rotten food everywhere, empty drinks cans, ashtrays. Don't get me started on the toilets. We're not young ones either, both 29/30. I wonder how living like that doesn't depress him. The other guys are his best buddies, he wouldn't think it was "sound" to ask them to clean up. I've tried cleaning it myself - fighting a losing battle. I've tried getting him to clean it - not fair,unless everyone does it. I've tried sitting only in his room but I get annoyed, and then he'll just go downstairs and I'll wonder what the hell the point is being there. Staying at my house isn't an option - my parents are quite old fashioned. Sometimes I wonder if this is a big issue or a small one, but either way I am sure of one thing - it doesn't inspire random acts of passion. If there was an end in sight I wouldn't mind - but its very unlikely that I'll find work in his county and he can't leave his job either. He's happy, I'm miserable.

IrishEyes19

unregistered wrote: »

Unfortunately me and the other half can't live together for the foreseeable future, because of major work/money difficulties. Been together 1.5 years. He lives in a house with 4 guys. I live with my parents, in a different county. Because of our work schedules and the distance involved we see each-other once a fortnight. His house is totally disgusting. Like, revolting. Of course he thinks its grand and that I just moan about nothing. From my end I'm sure its a danger to health! There's rotten food everywhere, empty drinks cans, ashtrays. Don't get me started on the toilets. We're not young ones either, both 29/30. I wonder how living like that doesn't depress him. The other guys are his best buddies, he wouldn't think it was "sound" to ask them to clean up. I've tried cleaning it myself - fighting a losing battle. I've tried getting him to clean it - not fair,unless everyone does it. I've tried sitting only in his room but I get annoyed, and then he'll just go downstairs and I'll wonder what the hell the point is being there. Staying at my house isn't an option - my parents are quite old fashioned. Sometimes I wonder if this is a big issue or a small one, but either way I am sure of one thing - it doesn't inspire random acts of passion. If there was an end in sight I wouldn't mind - but its very unlikely that I'll find work in his county and he can't leave his job either. He's happy, I'm miserable.

You're not going to like the sound of this, but I really think he has zero respect for you. firstly hygiene is something everyone should be 100 percent on top off. granted lads house, young houses, can be a tad bit messy, but what you have described sounds filthy and disgusting. Secondly if my boyfriend was coming around to my flat often, Id make sure everything was tip top tidy for him and clean as I would with anyone, it just shows zero respect and interest on his part to get his ass in line and his friends. you've dated a while so it sounds like he's gotten somewhat lazy with putting an effort in. You wouldnt have gone on a second date with this guy Id imagine if you had seen his flat first would you? So how dare he think this type of behaviour is acceptable now and that goes for anyone.

Secondly, I wouldnt tolerate this anymore, Im sure you love him, but by coming over and letting him away with it, since he doesnt seem to be heeding what you have said to him. I wouldnt be so fore-going with the "passion" either. Why should he get your company and "intimate moments" with you, if he cant be bothered to maintain some proper standard of hygiene.

I generally dont like games or this, but limiting and stopping all sexual favours, and dates for a while, might just get his ass in gear to clean up and most of all maintain it.

you are not his maid or his friends. And it isnt your job to run after him telling him to clean. As you said, he's 30 years old now. He really needs to grow up. No one should have to live like that and since your living situation means his house is the only option, you shouldnt have to be exposed to such a filthy way of living either

ibarelycare

This house is belongs to your boyfriend and his friends. If they choose to live in filth and squalor, it's not really any of your business. The guys are obviously lazy and used to living like that. Imagine your boyfriend trying to get them to clean every two weeks just because his girlfriend is coming to stay? I can't imagine that would be a very popular request.

If his room is unhygienic and filthy then yes, I think you're entitled to have your say about that as he's invited you over to share it with him and it would be disrespectful if it was a complete tip. But the rest of the house is communal and it's up to the people who live and pay rent in the house to have it whatever way they choose. You're getting (presumably) free board in their house every 2 weeks, so you don't really have any entitlements to complain.

BTW I think you attempting to clean the house is really rude!!!

I am a friend

Op can you see him cleaning up his act, pardon the pun, if ye were to move in together?

Distorted

ibarelycare wrote: »

This house is belongs to your boyfriend and his friends. If they choose to live in filth and squalor, it's not really any of your business. The guys are obviously lazy and used to living like that. Imagine your boyfriend trying to get them to clean every two weeks just because his girlfriend is coming to stay? I can't imagine that would be a very popular request.

It is her business though, because she is doing more than sharing a house from time to time with him, she is choosing to share her life with him. And who could blame her if she met someone else who showed more respect for her? OP - I have basic hygiene standards, and I just couldn't face filth in someone's house, it makes me think less of them as a person.

OakeyDokey

I'm sorry OP but I find this situation ridiculous!

I understand that it would be awful to stay in a house that has bits of food floating around and unless your asthmatic or have any other respiration problems there's nothing you can really say because it's not your house.

I think the real thing you need to do is see if there is a future with this person because if he's like this at 30 years of age he mightn't want to change his ways when you do move in, would you be happy doing all the cleaning yourself?

Duke Leonal Felmet

You are going out with a teenager.

Penny Dreadful

I'd just stop going over and tell him why, you can't face spending more time in such a filthy, dirty place.
This will either prompt him to sort out a cleaning rota (so bloody basic really) with the people he lives with, or for them to get a cleaner in once a week and they split the cost.............or he could always do nothing and then you know just where you stand.
Some people are cleaner and neater than others. I love things put away properly, iron everything (:o), and the like. My boyfriend isn't as fussy as me but since we moved in together I've loosened up a bit on the neatness and he has gotten a bit less messy and so we're both happy.
He was always fussy about a clean house though.

LostGirly

Sorry OP but I think that you're being a little rude here too. You stated that you stay in his room while you're there which must mean his room isn't too bad, so it's not him that's the problem and to be honest I doubt any of the boys he lives with sees any of it as a problem either. You said at the end he's happy so they are obviously fine with things.

Anyway, what I took from all of this is that even though you love him and you're so upset that you only see each other once a fortnight and you'd love to be able to live with him you let something as small as the house he lives in being untidy/dirty come between ye. If I could only see my man once a fortnight I don't think I'd even be aware of my surroundings or care about them, all I would care about is getting to spend time with my man and there certainly wouldn't be any passion killed.

I think you need to sit down and really think about things.
What's more important: Spending time with your Boyfriend in a clean house or not spending time with him at all!

Wompa1

I see this completely differently. It's his place, he's paying the rent, it's his decision. You want him to clean up for you and he doesn't want to. Why is it up to him to make the compromise when he's the one paying the rent?

I was always really clean until I moved into my most current apartment. After living with so many different people then I lived by myself. When in college I fought a losing fight to try and keep the place clean, lads are messy! after college I purposely moved in with one other guy. He was also messy but I could at least keep it clean myself a lot easier.

Now, going back to sharing I kind of gave up. I don't want to clean up after others anymore, I also have very little space in my room so there's clutter everywhere. My ex didn't like it and tried to clean up. I told her off because it's my mess, my problem and if I want to clean it up then I will. It wasn't her doing it to be nice, she was doing it because the mess bothered her.

It kind of reminds me of the toilet seat argument I had with another ex. Giving out because I leave the seat up in my own house...it takes more effort to put the thing up and then put it down..."but I don't want to have to touch it"...what so I have to touch it to put it up and that's not a problem!?...come on! Bottom line, he pays the rent. Put up with it or get to stepping.

I wouldn't say he has no respect for you but rather that you have little respect for him.