Prolonged and sustained bad mouthing campaign?

LegacyUser

Hi there, I are hoping for some good advice on this one as the whole thing has left me so shaky, stressed and unhappy that I can hardly see the wood from the trees anymore.

About 5 or 6 years ago, I cut contact with someone whom I had supposed was a friend but who turned out to be far from that. I had made some futile attempts to try to sort out the disagreement before taking this action. Maybe I should have tried harder, but they were pretty horrible to me and I was reeling in the wake of deaths of my sister and my mother within seven months of each other and I simply couldnt cope with another thing.

About six months later he moved from the other side of town to rent a house about 300 yards from me in between my house and my place of work. he knows where I live and that it is a permanent address; he also know that my job is a permanent job. It was always stressful to meet him on the street but I had decided early on that since I had bought my house because of its proximity to my work, I was not going to walk the long way or indeed avoid doing any of the things that I habitually did and do.

Since then he has been persistantlly badmouthing me. His girlfriend, whom I do not know except to see, is also involved in this and between them they have whipped up a large group of people in support of their cause. Their friends do not know me as a person and the vast majority have never spoken to me to find out what kind of person I am. Examples of what happen include looking at me in the face then ignoring me, walking by the coffee shop or pub where I am sitting and pointing me out to yet more people in their group, texting one another to say where I am in town, badmouthing me in my local pub, taking photographs of me. It's a complete stressful horrible anxiety provoking nightmare.

I have tried to take the higher ground over all of this since I have no desire to get involved in some sort of slanging match {early on in all of this his girlfriend accosted me in the street telling me I was delusional; i have never saluted her since } nor have I any desire to win their friends over, after all they are their friends. I just want my old life back without all this ****.

I am a bit of an easy mark for them since I am often alone. I do have friends but a lot of these have family committments / live out in the county so i dont see them all the time. That is fine, I am used to and enjoy my own company but that doesnt mean I dont want to be friendly towards other people. I used to be the sort of person who smiled at people in the street, now I find myself rarely making eye contact, scanning the road ahead to see if one of their cronies is coming towards me, feeling absolutely petrified if i do meet them or their friends, or as the case has become, the friends of their friends!!

I like to be out and about, enjoy the arts etc but I becoming increasingly afraid of attending things because of the increased liklihood of an encounter. It is very hard to force myself to keep doing stuff, having a pint, going for walks, having a coffee, attending exhibitions. Some days I feel so weak I dont go out at all, I just stay at home. My life has contracted. I feel that it wont be long before these people start to impugn me professionally as well as socially, if they are not doing so already.

What can I do? Do not say I should confront them, I cannot. Do not say I should bad mouth them back, I will not (and have not). Do not say I should sell my house, that is not going to happen. Has anybody experienced anthing like this? How can I develop the resilience to cope with it? I feel so alone. I feel I will die of stress.

username123

Hi OP - Ive picked out particular bits of your post to address - not necessarily in the order in which you wrote them - hope thats ok.

howtocope wrote: »

....the whole thing has left me so shaky, stressed and unhappy that I can hardly see the wood from the trees anymore.

Alright. What Im sensing from reading your post is that you feel totally overwhelmed by this, think about it a lot, and its running round and round in your mind. What you say above is very true - you cant see the wood from the trees - because when you are in a situation it can be very hard to see clearly whats going on from an outside perspective - youre too close to it.

What I would say is this - while I dont doubt for a minute that something is going on, I would think its far far less big of a deal than you currently feel it is. Sure, a person may have said nasty stuff about you, but there is also a chance that you are reading far too much into glances and ordinary interaction- just because some people are friends with your enemy. Being quite blunt - its highly unlikely that you are interesting enough for people who dont know you to bother to keep up any kind of prolonged social attack on you - to what end? Why would people bother doing that? Sure, they may once have been told 'so and so is a whatever' and maybe looked at you once and whispered to someone else 'oh see that person there, i heard whatever' - but seriously, that kind of petty rubbish gets old fast - when there is no new drama or much of a reaction from you. SO while you may think there is a prolonged attack - it may not be as bad as you think right now.

howtocope wrote: »

What can I do? Do not say I should confront them, I cannot. Do not say I should bad mouth them back, I will not (and have not). Do not say I should sell my house, that is not going to happen. Has anybody experienced anthing like this? How can I develop the resilience to cope with it? I feel so alone. I feel I will die of stress.

OK - persnally I would confront certain things - like someone taking a photo of me, or someone pointing me out to other people. Then again, thats giving a reaction. I certainly wouldnt bad mouth back. Id be more inclined to take the attitude of 'some people like me, some people dont, some people who dont know me have been misinformed, who cares' and really try to LIVE that attitude. Keep busy, stop looking at people and assuming bad things, just live your own life.

You sound so stressed that Id advise you speaking to someone about it, a close friend, maybe a GP?

howtocope wrote: »

Examples of what happen include looking at me in the face then ignoring me, walking by the coffee shop or pub where I am sitting and pointing me out to yet more people in their group, texting one another to say where I am in town, badmouthing me in my local pub, taking photographs of me. It's a complete stressful horrible anxiety provoking nightmare.

Just to go over your examples - looking at you in the face then ignoring you - so what? You say its people you dont know - what would you expect them to do after looking at you? Its only looking? If you dont know them then who cares?

Pointing you out - that I would either confront or ignore - again, if you dont know the people then who cares?

How do you know about them texting each other? What age group are we talking about here?

Badmouthing - means nothing. Most people take idle gossip with a pinch of salt anyway knowing the gossiper is just being vicious. Ill bet its not nearly as bad as you think and Ill also bet most people dont even listen. And Id bet its a lot less frequent than you imagine, honestly - youre probably not that interesting to hold prolonged gossip from people - not unless you are constantly doing something worthy of gossip, which you probably are not.

Taking photographs Id confront or ignore. I mean seriously, how much fun is there in taking a photograph of someone over and over?

Id really be interested to know the age group involved because tbh it sounds like behaviour from 12 year olds - given you say they are badmouthing you in the local pub then they must be over 18? It almost sounds too bizarre to be true- which is what makes me wonder how bad it really is compared to how bad it is in your mind. Im not suggesting youre imagining it, but have you built up something silly into something very very stressful over time?

Ultimately you cannot change the behaviour of anyone but yourself. So just concentrate on living your own life happily and ignore these people.

LegacyUser

Hi username 123 and thanks for reply

While I am very stressed about this and it may sound like madness I am most definltely not imagining it. I spent a long time convincing myself that it wasnt happening but a relatively recent event involving one of that group has proven the case to be otherwise. It is happening and I too wonder what they can be saying after such a long time to provoke such a reaction. I am a very ordinary person with a very ordinary life. One of the reasons i am so stressed is that by and large I dont outwardly display that their behaviour affects me and I try to keep doing all the things I usually do.

My examples may seem trite but I live a small place and may see three or four of these people on any given day whilst shopping or coming from work or whatever, so it affects me in the everyday ordinary things. No I do not know them personally but I know they are friends of theirs and I know a hostile reaction when I see it- some of those looks are glares! And they are not subtle. I ignore them as much as I can but it is intimidating to see them particularily if there a few of them together, which, since they are all friends isnt that unusual and I have to pass them out to get to where I am going. I am also afraid because sooner or later I will meet many of them through the nature of my work.

I have seen my GP and she has suggested that I confront the original two which I know i will never be able to do. Of course I know that I have no control over what people say or think about me but I feel upset that my character is being assassinated in this insidious way and that there is nothing I can do about it.

username123

howtocope - first of all, I dont think its madness on your part AT ALL and I am so sorry if my post read that way to you. What I was trying to say was - sometimes when we are in a situation and stressed it can be hard to see the reality of the situation and it can be easy to make it much bigger than it is. So for example, if I had a nasty row with someone and next day saw a friend of theirs and the friend looked at me, I might think that it was a hostile look - given the row with the friend - but the truth could be that the person wasnt wearing their glasses and just looked at me funny for no other reason!!

But listen - I believe you - something is clearly going on here or else you wouldnt be stressed about it. Please dont think Im suggesting youre mad - nothing could be further from the truth. I am suggesting that too much stress can make the mind over obsess and play tricks and read more into situations than necessary - but those situations must exist in the first place!

Im glad youve spoken to your GP about this. Maybe something you could look into would be some kind of self assertiveness course - something that would help you to feel less intimidated, and also maybe to help with a confrontation if it came to it?

In terms of just having a quiet life, no confrontations, and trying to be less stressed about it - if someone glares, glare back or take no notice? You are the one giving them the power to make you feel bad - take that power away - look at them for the fools they are and maybe then you will feel stronger and less stressed?

The best antidote for character assasination is - be a good character, be happy that you are a good character and really and truly - believe that people who know you think well of you and it doesnt matter what people who dont know you think about you.

As far as work situations go - just be courteous, professional and normal in any dealings.

Big Bag of Chips

Meeting them within your work environment might be a good thing!

These people, for the most part, don't know you. You are not really in a position to get to know them socially. So maybe through work, and through you being courteous and professional you will show a side of yourself that will make them question things they have heard.

I know you don't want to confront them.. but maybe the next time you meet one of them, you on your own, them in their own.. smile and say "hiya" quite deliberately, but pleasantly.

You will be forcing them to either respond or blatantly ignore you. When they stare at you now, do you say anything? Do you acknowledge that they are looking at you?

Continue to be pleasant, carry on in your job as you normally would, and soon people will care less and less what they hear.

Badmouthers usually have a relatively short life span, as people tend to figure out quiet quickly what they are.

If they find like minded idiots to listen to and spread their poison, those people tend not to hold much influence either.

Basically, people who constantly bad mouth others tend to get old very quickly. And reasonable people tend not to listen to anything they have to say.

Overheal

There's a type of badmouthing which involves creating lies about someone to damage their reputation. That type of badmouthing can be illegal, and is commonly known as slander. If this is as widespread as described and if your reputation is being ruined by lies you should speak with a solicitor.

qwertytlk

+1 on pretty much everything username 123 said. Solid advice in my opinion. Also how old are these idiots? From the things you say they do and the situations you have described, they sound no more than 15. I mean that very literally too!
As for how to deal with this, well tbh there is only two things you can do. And they are either confront them, or ignore them and the second only really applies of you are able to ignore them and get on with your life without it having any adverse effects on you, and from what you said this clearly isnt happening. I knw it would be very difficult but if you bumped into this couple and one or two of their friends and they were being rude or mean then i would stand up to them and ask why they were treating you this way, and to cop on and leave you alone!
I do realise you said you did not want to do this, but as i said i dont see you have many other options as you cannot continue on they way you are...
I really hope you can work this out for the best....

LegacyUser

Sorry not to have replied sooner. Thank you all for your advice and replies. Username, I think your advice is great. I am trying hard to live my own life and not care about these people but it is getting harder and harder to do. It was bad enough to have to meet the original despicable two without now having their extended nasty network to counter. Big bag of chips, I dont say hi. I dont stare back. Maybe I should but I am afraid of them now. It would be a nightmare to meet any of them at work, I dont think I would be able to handle it at all. As to things getting old very quickly, this has been going on for years now and there appears only to be an escalation of what they are doing. one of my friends takes the same view as you. overheal. and thinks i should get legal advice. Another friend thinks it is bullying. I just dont know anymore. I am absolutely exhausted. There isnt a day when I dont cry about it all. By the way, these people are aged thirties and forties. I dont think they are ever going to stop doing what they are doing.