Does everybody cheat?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I found out about 6 months ago that my long term boyfriend (several years) had been cheating on me. Naturally I was devastated (and still am sometimes) but I have broken up with him and am attempting to move on. Since then I feel as though my attitude towards men and relationships in general has deteriorated. I look around and see my friends (male and female) talking about how they are tempted to cheat, how they have cheated, and how they have hooked up with ppl they know to be in relationships. We are in our mid twenties.

Does everybody do it? Is it more realistic these days not to expect monogamy? I don't know whether I have just a tainted view of relationships or if my eyes have finally been opened?

On a side note I have started dating someone new in the past month or two, he seems like a complete sweetheart but I can't help but keep him at arms length. I refuse to expect any level of decency, exclusivity or commitment from him because I feel like as soon as I do he'll let me down.

It seems like a really sad way to view the world and I don't particularly want to feel this way but sometimes I think it's more realistic and taking this kind of stance will protect me from future heartache. I'm just confused really and wondering - is everyone out there cheating?

Pearlring

Hi OP
I'm sorry about your ex cheating on you.
But you seem to be stuck in a serious rut and are painting people with the same brush.
No, everyone does not cheat. There are decent guys out there and there are proper d**kheads too.
You dont sound like you are ready to date another guy yet and to be honest i dont think you should not until you get over this attitude towards men.

curlzy

Hey OP,

First of all, sorry that happened to you, it must have been very hard:(. In answer to your question, NO, not everyone cheats. My previous relationship lasted 5 years and cheating never happened and I'm with my current partner just over 5 years and it hasn't happened with him either so no not everyone cheats. I'd say you're just taking note of it more because of what happened. Like cheating comes up in conversation alot more than manogomy becasue, well because it's more interesting I suppose:( Like people aren't likely to tell you stories about manogomy or gossip about manogomous people so it just seems like everyone's cheating. I'd say maybe stay off the dating scene for a little while until you can get this out of your head. If you date while holding this attitude you could end up hurting guys and yourself. So yeah maybe take a little time off to grieve for your relationship and get your head together?

Best of luck.

Wompa1

I have been cheated on but have never cheated. I never will, I don't see why anybody would knowingly do that to somebody. So no, not everybody cheat, you just unfortunately dated a scumbag. Sorry. Give the new guy a chance

sbsquarepants

Some people do, some people don't, but in my experience probably more people do than don't. I've been on both sides of the coin, both cheater and cheated on. It feels fairly shítty, there's no way i would do it again.

LegacyUser

I ask myself that question fairly often, along with my other favorite, 'Does everyone lie? Can you trust anyone, really?'

Not everyone does cheat, but it seems like most do, at least at one time or another. Not everyone does it habitually, for some people it's circumstantial. Habitual cheaters aren't worth wasting a moment of thought about. They're just pure scum. But those who truly regret their decision to betray someone make me think that even though the risks might not be the best, they're definitely sometimes worth taking.

Take your time, and try to accept that the world isn't perfect, and neither are people. You're not with this new guy long. No need to rush into anything. Keep him at arm's length till you feel comfortable doing otherwise.

Zen65

4568780908yugh wrote: »

I'm just confused really and wondering - is everyone out there cheating?

No, not everybody cheats. I'm with my wife for 25+ years and I've never cheated on her, nor have I considered it as an option.

But in saying that, I'd have to balance it by admitting that nobody has ever invited me to cheat on my wife. In that respect my life is most unlike the many famous celebrities about whom you read so many stories of infidelity.

I don't mean to suggest that a husband who doesn't cheat might not be a great husband to begin with, but rather that the effort required in not cheating is different for each of us, so judging people on the basis of whether or not they have cheated is not playing on a level pitch.

I think that having this concept of "fidelity is effort" creates a slightly more realistic expectation of what to expect from people. If I had the looks and charm (not to mention the money) of George Clooney then maybe the price my partner would have to pay for this is knowing that I would be constantly on the receiving end of invitations for a quick fling from admirers. In such circumstances then perhaps the chances of infidelity would be far greater.

Fidelity takes effort, both in terms of resisting temptation and more importantly in making the effort to meet our partner's needs & desires. Both parties in a relationship need to make an effort to keep the relationship interesting & rewarding to each other, and if one person starts to take the other for granted then the relationship is weakened, and the far-away hills become greener to the eye.

I certainly don't mean to imply that you are responsible for your boyfriend cheating on you. Such a suggestion could only come from yourself or somebody close enough to you to know what was going on. I am simply saying that if you live your life in the expectation that your partner may cheat then you probably won't put the kind of effort into the relationship that is needed in order to keep it alive and interesting. When one partner is measured in the effort they put in then the other partner is likely to limit their own effort also, and that makes cheating a greater likelihood. In that respect your new "really sad way to view the world" could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The best relationships need effort and commitment. If you limit your effort the results will most likely match that lower effort. If you make every effort to make the relationship work then the hurt experienced would so much greater if your partner should cheat. That is the choice we all face.

I know which choice I have made.


Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

I disagree very strongly with this idea that if you don't put the effort in, your partner may cheat.

Being unsatisfied in a relationship is a cause for addressing that as a concern, seeking counseling services, or leaving the relationship.

There is never any excuse for having an affair. Rationalizing it as a way to deal with being unsatisfied is completely illogical IMO. It is a childish, selfish, inconsiderate and destructive act, and there is never any excuse for it.

LegacyUser

Lovely post Zen 65.

I would like to add that you already know not everyone cheats, but maybe on some level it's easier to generalise about cheating than deal with the sad and fact that you were cheated on. Life is sometimes **** and it's certainly not fair. No doubt you are still hurting about the break up or the betrayal. It's painful to think that it happened to you - not anyone or everyone else - but that's just the way it is and in a few years, when you've healed fully, you will care a lot less.
Expect the best from your new man, because as you now know, if someone is going to cheat there is nothing you can do about it. But paranoia is a sure way to break a relationship.

And like Zen said, there is nobody who hasn't been tempted. And many have succumbed in one way or another, without loving their partner any less. Personally I think loyalty beats fidelity, interpret that any way you want...

LegacyUser

namenamenamename wrote: »

And like Zen said, there is nobody who hasn't been tempted. And many have succumbed in one way or another, without loving their partner any less. Personally I think loyalty beats fidelity, interpret that any way you want...

Thanks for this, I found it helpful. I guess thats what I was getting at. Is cheating really that big of a deal? I mean, of course I'm hurt that it happened to me. It was a terrible situation but sometimes now I sit back and think 'clearly everyone around me is doing it so should I just accept that it happens all the time'? Its hard to explain. I loved the man very much and we worked really well together and while I'd never go back to him I wonder whether it was worth giving up on a good relationship over cheating. Surely its better to stay in a good relationship with someone who can make a mistake than it is to look for a new relationship where the same thing is bound to happen? It just seems to happen so much around me...

In regards to other comments about being ready to date, I understand where you are coming from and I certainly was not looking to date when I met this man but I rarely meet anyone I'm genuinely interested in so I didn't really want to pass the chance up. Thats also part of the problem with getting close to him. I like him a lot so theres a higher chance that I will get hurt. Everytime I say goodbye to him I tell myself not to expect to see him again. Its pretty fuc.ked up. Its just hard to decide whether my past experience has made me more realistic about people or if it has just hardened me against the world...

Its confusing

LegacyUser

569870hjkl wrote: »

Thanks for this, I found it helpful. I guess thats what I was getting at. Is cheating really that big of a deal? I mean, of course I'm hurt that it happened to me. It was a terrible situation but sometimes now I sit back and think 'clearly everyone around me is doing it so should I just accept that it happens all the time'? Its hard to explain. I loved the man very much and we worked really well together and while I'd never go back to him I wonder whether it was worth giving up on a good relationship over cheating. Surely its better to stay in a good relationship with someone who can make a mistake than it is to look for a new relationship where the same thing is bound to happen? It just seems to happen so much around me...

In regards to other comments about being ready to date, I understand where you are coming from and I certainly was not looking to date when I met this man but I rarely meet anyone I'm genuinely interested in so I didn't really want to pass the chance up. Thats also part of the problem with getting close to him. I like him a lot so theres a higher chance that I will get hurt. Everytime I say goodbye to him I tell myself not to expect to see him again. Its pretty fuc.ked up. Its just hard to decide whether my past experience has made me more realistic about people or if it has just hardened me against the world...

Its confusing

Modern Western society tells us that the appropriate response to a cheater is to get outraged and kick him to the curb. Real life has a lot more nuances. I suppose breaking up over an 'indiscretion' depends on the nature of what happened and why. Like everything else, there is no right answer.
In my experience (yes, it involves cheating and being cheated on), it's always best to stay monogamous. If you never do anything wrong, you don't leave room for regrets. And the strongest marriages I've seen are between those who've stayed faithful. The second strongest are between those who've stayed discrete ;-)
Try to stay idealistic. Lots of people make monogamy work.