Why is there no chances for me

LegacyUser

I never had a proper relationship or no man has ever wanted to be in a steady relationship with me. I think it's because I am sensitive and soft. It's not that I don't know how to use my head I wouldn't be very intelligent but I do think with my own mind. I am average in appearance. I think it might be because I am Christian and I like to live that way as opposed to what society is saying as normal for people in their late 20s. I just find that kind of life empty; like going out drinking and clubbing, its not me so can't do nothing about that!

I came to the realisation that many if not most Irish men like women who are tough and hard I have realised that those men expect women to do everything. I have given up hope now and If any guy shows interest in me it's not for who am. I used to hope I would meet a normal guy who has the same values as me but if I stay in Ireland my chances are very very slim. It's hard find a man here that doesn't act like a spoilt little boy. I know there are some good men but it's impossible anymore

Kadongy

Sensitive and soft is good if it means sensitive and soft. If it means touchy and dramatic it is bad.
being very religious is bad.
Why do guys show interest in you if not for who you are? If you mean they try to bang you that doesn't mean they have no interest in who you are.

Main thing though is the fact you think most guys are like spoilt little boys, and the fact you prefer to believe that this is the case rather than taking a look at your own attitudes to see what makes you think they are/makes them act that way/makes you select ones who actually are that way.

I am a friend

Op your attitude towards men is very poor. Generalisations of the level made by you show you in a poor light. If you are not meeting men for you then maybe you are looking in the wrong place / country.

IrishEyes19

Kadongy wrote: »

Sensitive and soft is good if it means sensitive and soft. If it means touchy and dramatic it is bad.
being very religious is bad.
Why do guys show interest in you if not for who you are? If you mean they try to bang you that doesn't mean they have no interest in who you are.

Main thing though is the fact you think most guys are like spoilt little boys, and the fact you prefer to believe that this is the case rather than taking a look at your own attitudes to see what makes you think they are/makes them act that way/makes you select ones who actually are that way.

wow, how unfair is that. There is nothing wrong with being very religious just as theres nothing wrong with not having a religion. If the OP is very religious, and a good person then thats a nice quality to have OP, it makes you who you are, it doesnt mean something is wrong or offputting. What would be off-putting would be if you forced your own values and beliefs on others. That obviously would be a turn off.

I agree with Kadongy in that you shouldnt make out that all Irish men are spoilt little boys, that isnt the case. Be it, that clubbing, pubbing isnt your thing, it doesnt have to be. But there are many ways to meet people other than drink related places. Attitude really is the key factor to success in most walks of life. If you walk around with a belief that everything is bad and nothing will go your way, your probably right, that will happen. But why not organise a trip, or day out with single friends and see what happens. I also understand that pubbing isnt your thing, but if you dont drink would you ever go out with friends and perhaps just try it out. There are venues that are suited to older groups and what about concerts or gigs that you might like.

the point is, changing country isnt going to magically make anything better, it might change the scene for a while, but there are good and bad people everywhere, those who will suit you and those who wont. Im not saying you should do anything you dont want to, but giving new things a try would be beneficial. sometimes you have to break out of the comfort zone and risk it. best of luck

Kadongy

Never said it was fair; just said that in general it would be offputting.

Many [not all] very religious Christians are very self-reighteous, even though this is in direct opposition to their professed beliefs. The original post is very self-righteous.

sharper

Lifeishard77 wrote: »

I used to hope I would meet a normal guy who has the same values as me but if I stay in Ireland my chances are very very slim.

Irish society is very harsh if you're in any way outside the norm. There's "normal" in any group but I think Ireland is unusually restrictive in terms of what counts, and people outside that are punished to an unusual degree. For example, if you don't like going binge drinking 1-2 nights a week you're in a lot of trouble, both because you can't participate in the main social activity and those that do won't really tolerate someone that doesn't go out with them.

Everything happens through friends and friends-of-friends so if you're lacking a good social network it's very difficult to get one going.

You've obviously had a hard time with people generally and with men. It's important to deal with it the right way and not project your experiences onto all people or all men. If you do that then you'll never meet anyone that defies your expectations because you'll force everyone into your expectations.

Where do people/men that are compatible with you hang out? You mention being Christian, are there church activities you could start participating in?

Taltos

All - let's try to keep our advice constructive and on-topic to the OP.

Discussions/generalities about the rights/wrongs of religious belief and the behaviour of Christians or any other (non)denomination will be seen as an attempt to pull this thread off topic and will be dealt with accordingly.

Taltos

anndub

Can you elaborate on what you mean when you say you are "sensitive and soft"? That description is very open to interpretation.

As an Irish female, I certainly wouldn't consider myself "tough and hard" but I don't have problems forming relationships with men. It's also pretty normal for anyone in their late twenties to have grown tired of the drinking/pub scene.

Obviously in this environment the majority of guys are looking to get lucky, as opposed to meet someone to share their lives with. That doesn't make them bad people. It's a personal choice.

I think you'll have to be more specific on your problem if you want advice. The generalisations you made don't make sense.

Neyite

If you have Christian values, then of course you are going to find going out on the pull in clubs unsuccessful and incompatible with your personal views – you are not going to find someone who hates drinking, clubbing and casual sex in a night club! Nightclubs are basically melting pots for raucous behaviour, excessive drinking, and overt sexual overtures. Would you go to the Sahara if you wanted to go swimming?

If you want to meet like-minded people, so events organised by your church would be a better starting point – you have more chance of meeting men with Christian values similar to your own. Even if you didnt have strong religious beliefs, Clubs and Pubs are rarely the best place to meet your soulmate.

You are simply meeting the wrong men. There are men out there who are interested in getting to know someone before sleeping with them, are not spoilt, and are quite turned off by loud tough women. I know that because I met one.

lazygal

Ok OP, I can only go on what you posted so I'm probably going to come across quite harsh.

You sound incredibly judgmental in how you describe Irish men and women and what attracts them to each other. I'm thick skinned but no way would my husband describe me as "tough", I've just as much empathy as anyone else. So if your view is so coloured in terms of how you perceive your fellow human beings, that's going to come across in social interaction and will be very off-putting to anyone.

I've had some interaction with people who describe themselves as Christian and they generally mean "born again" Christian. So if that's what is a central thing in your life, you need to go where you'll meet like minded people, i.e. a church service, prayer meetings, church social gatherings-I know someone in an active ministry and she's always going on outings, trips abroad etc and has no problem meeting men. So maybe look for a partner who wants the same values in a partner you have to offer, rather than judging those who probably wouldn't be right for you anyway.

LegacyUser

anndub wrote: »

Can you elaborate on what you mean when you say you are "sensitive and soft"? That description is very open to interpretation.

As an Irish female, I certainly wouldn't consider myself "tough and hard" but I don't have problems forming relationships with men. It's also pretty normal for anyone in their late twenties to have grown tired of the drinking/pub scene.

Obviously in this environment the majority of guys are looking to get lucky, as opposed to meet someone to share their lives with. That doesn't make them bad people. It's a personal choice.

I think you'll have to be more specific on your problem if you want advice. The generalisations you made don't make sense.

Well, what i meant by 'sensitive' and 'soft' is that I am honest about how I feel with myself and others and need to express it like when im upset or annoyed. If i upset someone or thought I did without intending to I would be upset but thats most people isnt it. I try to be same to others as I would like them to be the same to me. What I meant by 'soft' is that I feel the cold alot and wouldn't be physically that stronge. I try to see and understand other people's pain and where they are at, whether it's their fault or not so I am not that hard hearted. When I first moved to dublin I was a lot softer but I didn't have much good experiences here with people I met until I met some people when I started doing voluntary work so my faith was restored. Just like people who would talk to you when you talk back or have a conversation with if anything.

I didn't say guys who want women for one thing are bad, it's their choice but they should realise at some point in their life that they are more than just meat suits get laid for the sake of it.

sharper wrote: »

Irish society is very harsh if you're in any way outside the norm. There's "normal" in any group but I think Ireland is unusually restrictive in terms of what counts, and people outside that are punished to an unusual degree. For example, if you don't like going binge drinking 1-2 nights a week you're in a lot of trouble, both because you can't participate in the main social activity and those that do won't really tolerate someone that doesn't go out with them.

Everything happens through friends and friends-of-friends so if you're lacking a good social network it's very difficult to get one going.

You've obviously had a hard time with people generally and with men. It's important to deal with it the right way and not project your experiences onto all people or all men. If you do that then you'll never meet anyone that defies your expectations because you'll force everyone into your expectations.

Where do people/men that are compatible with you hang out? You mention being Christian, are there church activities you could start participating in?

Thanks for relpying. I agree with you on everything you said and I see it in Irish society because I am not the 'norm'. Even when I express who I am for example i have Christian believes I feel that is not that accepted in Irish culture to be spiritual and believe in God it's certainly seen as a bad thing to express values as i can see with some of the posters here.
I need to change my attitude on men and I am trying to have faith that there are some decent men, I know there are.

Neyite wrote: »

If you have Christian values, then of course you are going to find going out on the pull in clubs unsuccessful and incompatible with your personal views – you are not going to find someone who hates drinking, clubbing and casual sex in a night club! Nightclubs are basically melting pots for raucous behaviour, excessive drinking, and overt sexual overtures. Would you go to the Sahara if you wanted to go swimming?

If you want to meet like-minded people, so events organised by your church would be a better starting point – you have more chance of meeting men with Christian values similar to your own. Even if you didnt have strong religious beliefs, Clubs and Pubs are rarely the best place to meet your soulmate.

You are simply meeting the wrong men. There are men out there who are interested in getting to know someone before sleeping with them, are not spoilt, and are quite turned off by loud tough women. I know that because I met one.

Thanks for relpying. Well, I know nightclubs and pubs are the wrong place to men with same values as me. Well I am viewed as unusual or strange also by those who have same values as me because I am not the norm for an Irish woman because of many reasons that they wouldn't understand because they never met many Irish women like me. I am not special just different. I don't go to church but have beliefs in it. I don't know I just have to think there are some decent men who could like a woman like me.

lazygal wrote: »

Ok OP, I can only go on what you posted so I'm probably going to come across quite harsh.

You sound incredibly judgmental in how you describe Irish men and women and what attracts them to each other. I'm thick skinned but no way would my husband describe me as "tough", I've just as much empathy as anyone else. So if your view is so coloured in terms of how you perceive your fellow human beings, that's going to come across in social interaction and will be very off-putting to anyone.

I've had some interaction with people who describe themselves as Christian and they generally mean "born again" Christian. So if that's what is a central thing in your life, you need to go where you'll meet like minded people, i.e. a church service, prayer meetings, church social gatherings-I know someone in an active ministry and she's always going on outings, trips abroad etc and has no problem meeting men. So maybe look for a partner who wants the same values in a partner you have to offer, rather than judging those who probably wouldn't be right for you anyway.

Thank you for writing back. Well that is what I have seen with alot of Irish men that they like tough and hard women. I am not tough and hard I can't change my personality and I don't want to either. I am trying to have hope but I don't have much about meeting someone. I am not judgeing those men for like women who are hard and tough, that their own choice, everyone has their own taste and with alot of Irish men they are attracted to hardy and tough women. I am just saying I am not hardy and tough If i was more tough, physically stronge, not shy and confident with more get up and go and less sensitive to myself and others I would have a bit of a chance, that was the only point I was meaning to say. Anyways I have accepted it and I won't be anyone else I can only be myself and If I don't meet anyone that's how it is.

sharper

lifeishard77 wrote: »

Anyways I have accepted it and I won't be anyone else I can only be myself and If I don't meet anyone that's how it is.

This is basically where you need to start. You need to accept you are as a person and which parts of yourself you're happy with and not happy with. You also need to accept other people and avoid judging them for being different from you - drinking, clubbing etc are all fine and well for people that enjoy it.

A couple of points though:

1. We all have insecurities and when we experience rejection those insecurities come to the fore and we think they're the reason why. Maybe they are or maybe they aren't, reality tends to be more complex than what those insecurities tell us late at night. You mention being soft hearted versus tough a lot and it suggests you have a strong feeling this is responsible for your problems. It may be a part but it's probably not as important as you think, if you read through various threads on boards you'll see a lot of frustration at women being needlessly harsh in clubs etc. I don't believe Irish men have a strong preference for "hard" women but it may well be the case that Irish women do believe that.

2. In my experience Irish people are generally non-confrontational so they're often very uncomfortable if things are brought up directly. The problem might not be that you're open/honest (which I think are good things by the way) but in the way you execute it. People may feel like they were being criticised or attacked when you were just trying to tell them how you feel.

Lollipops23

lifeishard77 wrote: »

I didn't say guys who want women for one thing are bad, it's their choice but they should realise at some point in their life that they are more than just meat suits get laid for the sake of it.

I don't want to debate the rights/wrongs of your beliefs,but this quote just jumped out at me. It seems to be (correct me if I'm wrong please) that you would see a guy who has enjoyed casual sex in the past, as a wrong un.

This kind of attitude would certainly be off putting to a lot of men (and women ). I think if you meet a nice guy and you click, his sexual past shouldn't be an issue (within reason!).

I do think you're being a tad unfair on Irish men, there's a good few tossers but on the whole they're not a bad bunch

Distorted

lifeishard77 wrote: »

Well, what i meant by 'sensitive' and 'soft' is that I am honest about how I feel with myself and others and need to express it like when im upset or annoyed. If i upset someone or thought I did without intending to I would be upset but thats most people isnt it. I try to be same to others as I would like them to be the same to me. What I meant by 'soft' is that I feel the cold alot and wouldn't be physically that stronge. I try to see and understand other people's pain and where they are at, whether it's their fault or not so I am not that hard hearted. When I first moved to dublin I was a lot softer but I didn't have much good experiences here with people I met until I met some people when I started doing voluntary work so my faith was restored. Just like people who would talk to you when you talk back or have a conversation with if anything.

You come across a bit as you don't conform to the norm, but you expect everyone else to accomodate you by changing to what you believe is the "right way". Despite claiming to be sensitive, this actually shows a lack of empathy on your part. Generally, people learn to fit into society as it makes life easier for them. And it can often be better to bite your tongue, than always expressing the way you feel. If you choose to be different, then why expect everyone else to change to fit in with you?

You aren't exactly helping yourself. Part of your complaint is that you don't meet men who appreciate you for what you are, but then you say although you are religious, you don't go to church. What better place though to meet like minded people? And the social scene that goes alongside it. In fact, why live in a big city like Dublin if you don't like the sort of people who want to live in big cities?

To be honest, you sound a little bit up yourself - do you know what I mean by this? Kind of like you have a very high opinion of yourself but are maybe not that interested in other people, except how they fit into the pre-concieved mould you have for the way you think other people should be. If I was a guy, I might be thinking you were a bit boring, not much fun, a bit too intense, a bit judgemental.

You have to offer something back to get guys interested - usually a combination of good personality, reliability, fun to be with and attractiveness to a greater or lesser degree. There are loads of lovely guys out there and its a shame you aren't meeting any - what are you spending your time doing? If not church groups, then how about sport groups or learning a language or art classes? Are you a bit reclusive and at danger of being overly sensitive and withdrawing from the world because it does not meet your expectations? You may need to develop a bit more robustness to thrive.

As for that bit about feeling the cold, unless you have a medical condition, thats just a bit precious. Wrap up warmly, like everyone else, and toughen up a bit. I know a lovely looking woman in her forties, who is single and sad about it. I wondered why on earth she had never found a man, and then I got to know her better. She is literally the most unreliable, feeble person - she cancels things due to various weak excuses - sore back, cold coming on, sore feet, strained ankle, whatever. It would drive you mad. I don't plan to do things with her any more, and I can imagine most men would feel the same.

If a man had to compare you to an outgoing fun girl, with lots of friends and into sports and the outdoors and having a bit of a laugh with, which do you think he would choose?

woodchuck

Distorted wrote: »

Part of your complaint is that you don't meet men who appreciate you for what you are, but then you say although you are religious, you don't go to church. What better place though to meet like minded people? And the social scene that goes alongside it.

My thoughts exactly!

Can you clarify what avenues you have explored to meet men? Obviously you’ve said the pub/club scene isn’t your thing, but there are plenty of other ways. What are your interests/hobbies? Maybe try to join a club/class in something you’re interested in and you might be more inclined to meet like minded people.

Internet dating might also be worth considering.

I honestly don’t think the soft and sensitive thing you’re talking about should be an issue (within reason, I assume you don’t walk down the street crying to yourself!). But being too shy could be part of the problem? You really just need to put yourself out there. To be honest it just sounds like you’re waiting for the perfect man to stride up to you and ask you out, but there should be some effort made on your part too.