Heartbroken and can't move on

LegacyUser

I don't know what I expect from posting this but I'll explain my situation here.

I ended my marriage at the beginning of the year for a lot of reasons, it had major problems for a long time now.

The thing is, I have been here several times before and each time, my husband put a huge effort into fixing what was wrong and I took him back.

Only to end up in the very same position again within months of reconciliation.

I got sick and tired of the whole ups and downs with it all and ended it at the beginning of this year.

The usual happened, we got on better, had sex a few times and seemed to be working.
I know this all sounds a bit mad, but we seem to get on better when we're apart!

But all of a sudden, he told me that this time it is it, over.

It was a shock, but at the same time a relief that I no longer feel like the bad guy.

All the other times he made out that I was the one ending it and he didn't want to.
After letting it sink in now, I am grieving for the marriage.

Again, I know it's silly as it has been broken for a long time.

But I think I have been avoiding this pain in the past, almost like, I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am struggling to let go of 20 years together, and there are children involved too.

In my heart I know it's the right thing to do, but it still doesn't stop the pain.

He is having a great time, and I have to admit I am jealous of his new life, while I'm stuck here struggling with the bills, kids etc.

How do I move on from this? Will I ever?

I am feeling bitter at the thought of been "stuck" in this rut while he got off scott free.

I can't even bear the thoughts of being on the single scene. It scares me.

How do I deal with all this? I am gutted..

LegacyUser

Hi Sunflower27,

Thanks for the reply, at the moment I honestly can never see and end to this pain.

The fact that there are kids involved, I have to face him when he comes to collect them.

This is like a knife through my heart everytime I see him.

I just curl up and cry when he leaves with the children.

How can I ever get over him when I have to see him?

I am trying to take in what you have said here, trying to be positive and look to the future.

But feel like I am kidding myself, I just don't believe in it at the moment.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately, the only cure here is time. Batten down the hatches, it's probably going to take another year or maybe more and you're going to go through all seven circles of hell i.e the seven stages of grief (google it if you haven't already got the tattoo!)

I'm going to hazard a guess and say that for years you had the illusion of control because you were the responsible one, shouldering the burden, doing the break up etc., and now you've lost that familiar pattern of control which is scary and you've lost your identity as that person. So you need to build a new identity. I'm sure you already know that. I'm sure you're sick to the teeth of thinking positive.

The only thing to do is hang in there. I had an one-off twelve year relationship which devastated me at the end (and the middle...). Now I'm going though the seven circles of hell over a completely different man, which tells me that:
A) no one man is everything and..
there is always a B!

Life is long. You (and me) will not be grieving for the same things in 2 years time. Just feel the grief. Someone said to me to 'stay with the emotion'. It took me awhile to work out what that means. It means, if you feel sad/angry/abandoned, feel that feeling, don't let your head justify it e.g. 'he left me.. it's so unfair... he has everything... I have nothing...'
Just stay with the feeling until it's done it's natural job.

And remember, although it might seem that he's walked scot free, he hasn't, but it takes a few years for things to play out. Now treat yourself to a good night out - with him babysitting

LegacyUser

Hi Whatsin...

Google has been like my counselling the past few days!

Most things that I have read, I don't disagree with.

The name of this thread should be "heartbroken but should move on".

But then that's now how we work, I know it is for the best and I really do want to get to that stage. But I seem to have fallen into a pit of misery and self pity.

Maybe I do need to work on myself at the moment. I have been in a very controlling relationship for many years and my self esteem is battered.

It is a relief that finally I can move on, and not carry the guilt that it was only me who wanted to end things.

And yes, I think you are right that I need to build a new identity, where I put my own needs first (and my children).
I guess I have been carrying all his woes along with my own and I have to let that go.

Let him stand alone, without me in the background taking care of his every whim, he might see how different his life is too, having to take responsibility for his own actions.

On writing this now, I think I have been "living" through his life for a long time, and I need to learn to separate that.
It's difficult to change a pattern that has been in place for so long.

LegacyUser

OP, you sound 'co-dependent'.

That's when you hook up with a troubled person and 'manage' their life rather than dealing with your own. Although we don't consciously realise it, for a certain type of personality, it is ALWAYS easier to handle someone else's problems or issues than our own. Then if the problem person leaves the picture, we're left with nothing to define ourselves by, no excuse for the ways we have neglected our own lives, nothing.
Eventually some co-dependents even realise that all along, they've also been controlling in their own helpful, 'need to be needed' way.

Look out for a book called 'Co-dependent No More'. Or any book on the subject really.
Even if you don't recognise yourself as co-dependent, it's still worth reading about, as it makes you question 'victim mode' and take the emphasis/responsibility off 'him' and onto you - which empowers you to get well again.

Changing patterns takes time but at least you've started. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Wow! Co-dependant! I never thought of it like that before.

Maybe you have a point there.

I could tell you all about how he blamed me for everything and convinced me I was the root of all his problems.

Maybe I was. Perhaps I allowed myself to get into this cycle of misery all by myself.

I get your point about not being the victim! Thanks so much for pointing it out to me.

I need to change my way of thinking and take on my own problems and face them.

As I said at the beginning of this thread I have always tried to avoid the reality of facing up to the pain of a breakup.

Now I see that it's what I must do to finally move on with MY life.

Thanks for your words, they have switched on a lightbulb for me!

I will look into getting the book that you have recommended.


xx

mossie110

i just broke up with my girlfriend after 14months, and i have to say i am totally devastated, im totally lost without here in my life, and in my arms, i find night time is the worst i expect its cause i feel all alone, all i think about is her, i know there is no hope of us getting back together, i dont think i will ever get over her, i miss her so much, my heart is truly broken. (im tears now just trying to type this) i dont think i will ever find someone else, i just feel so lonely. i feel my life is not worth living for anymore,,, i cant see any other way to get over this.

LegacyUser

Hi Mossie,

I don't exactly feel qualified enough to advise you on what to do.

The only thing I can say is, yes it is heartbreaking, but it seems to be part of life.
Do as I have been advised to do, let the grief take over.

I've had these moments too feeling that there is nothing else for me.

But on reading up what was recommended to me about co-dependancy, I have seen that we cannot live our lives through others. We need to live for ourselves.

I have my cr#p days and then other days I'm thinking "I have the power to get through this".
Nobody can do it for you. Only you.

I hope you are feeling a little better since you posted this?

Please try not to focus on your ex, focus on yourself.

Keep well xx

LegacyUser

mossie110 wrote: »

i just broke up with my girlfriend after 14months, and i have to say i am totally devastated, im totally lost without here in my life, and in my arms, i find night time is the worst i expect its cause i feel all alone, all i think about is her, i know there is no hope of us getting back together, i dont think i will ever get over her, i miss her so much, my heart is truly broken. (im tears now just trying to type this) i dont think i will ever find someone else, i just feel so lonely. i feel my life is not worth living for anymore,,, i cant see any other way to get over this.

Mossie been exactly where you are for the last month or so () but all i can say is it does get better day by day. the biggest thing that has helped me is complete and utter non contact deleted facbook and her friends deleted her number to avoid drunk texting (i know it but when drug struggle to remember my own never mind hers plus the lads have me warned and do be watching me !!) have had a few calls and voice mails and texts but didn't open listen or read just deleted straight away as reading or answering will only set me back. she finished it and said its over so why torment meself with calls and messages to / from her until such a time as i am able to say im over things then i will re-assess whether i want contact. Its not easy i wont lie to you. Nighttime is the hardest lying there thinking this thinking that. For the first 3 weeks after we split i got about 4 hrs sleep a night ans was always woken by a dream involving me and her and thinking jees maybe was just a dream and then u wake and realise no-one beside you. Ive just been keeping as busy as i can. back to soccer on a Monday call to the brothers house to a mates house for tae and a chat or just take a spin in the car to get out and about. Anyways if ya wanna chat or anything i can PM ya with me registered account.

mossie110

many thanks for taking the time to reply, but times are tough very tough im lost