Am I just too selfish?

LegacyUser

I really don't know what to think of myself right now. A friend just told me that she was cutting herself and part of me (admittedly not most) just brought it back to myself in my head. I ust kept thinking about all my problems.

It's not the first time I've done this either. In fact I was better today than i normally am. Normally all I can think about is how I've had so many problems compared to whatever story I'm hearing. and most are way worse than me and I know that. Yet those thoughts still come into my head. I always have to bring up my problems.

Admittedly I have gone through a lot. I had cancer, the two closest people to me have both suffered from different addictions and types of mental illness leaving me in a horrible position, there's this damn recession, I'm very close to depression, unconfident, stressed and generally ****ed up. And I'm only 20.

And right there is me doing it again. I bring everything back to myself and all my issues. the above doesn't even half explain it but that's not the point. Why do I keep doing this. What makes me think that my problems are bigger than those around me. Because they definitely aren't.

I'm scared I'm developing narcissistic personality disorder. I think about myself way too often. I can just see me turning into a horrible person. Can NPD be genetic? There are already those in my family who have it.

What can I do? People will start hating me if I keep acting as selfish as I am right now. I have too much to lose.

phelo2121

Its very common when someone tells u a problem u automatically think how does this affect me or yeah mine is worse! At least ur aware ur doing it and feel bad its just human nature! As long as u can be there for ur friends like I presume they were there for u then ur alright, just try leave ur self outta the equation when someone tells u their problems, but don't worry nothing wrong with ya at all

Chinafoot

phelo2121 wrote: »

Its very common when someone tells u a problem u automatically think how does this affect me or yeah mine is worse! At least ur aware ur doing it and feel bad its just human nature! As long as u can be there for ur friends like I presume they were there for u then ur alright, just try leave ur self outta the equation when someone tells u their problems, but don't worry nothing wrong with ya at all

Going to completely disgaree with this. I don't see how the OP only being able to think about her own problems when being told a friend is self-harming is "very common" or "just human nature." To be that self-involved is not normal and I can't imagine her being there for her friend if all she can do is think about herself.

OP, have you considered counselling? To go through cancer at such a young age and the other family issues you have to deal with, some form of counselling might help you to move on. You sound like you are completely consumed by yourself and the only thing you can focus on is you. You know this isn't healthy so maybe make the next step and talk things out with a professional.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I think the thing to bear in mind is that no one knows what you are thinking it's your actions that effect them, if you are supportive of your friends that is what they are going to notice. I'd go easier on yourself you ve had cancer after all and you are very young. I was a much more selfish person at twenty than I am now and I hope to keep evolving. For example when I was about your age my friend told me she had ME (that illness where you feel exhausted all the time) and at the time I thought it sounded like a made up illness and I wasn't supportive of her at all, she called me on it and luckily we're still friends. I wouldn't behave like that now but you live and learn I suppose.

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

No, I don't think you're being selfish at all. I'm not going to go into the gory details of what has happened in my life over the past few years but it has been tough. The end result is that I've taken to handling bad news and other people's problems in a different way to how I did before. I think the sheer volume of bad stuff that has happened has caused me to become somewhat desensitised and I've taken to looking at other people's misfortunes in a more coldly analytical way. I think when you go through tough times it does change the way you perceive things and handle things.

I did grapple with that question recently as it happens. Hours after getting bad news about a close relative, something unpleasant happened that marginally affected me but had a much bigger effect on other people. Once I established that I was going to be alright, I really didn't care about the others. I could almost hear the doors slamming in my head if you know what I mean. My thought process at the time was that I really didn't have room in my head for this. Now that this problem had been resolved from my own perspective, it was time to kick it into touch and move on.

What I'm trying to say, in this rambling sort of way, is that it's likely that your illness and the problems of the people close to you have affected your outlook on life. How could they not? I know too from encountering people who have suffered major illnesses that they can become preoccupied with themselves. I do think though that you should go chat to your GP and consider going for some counselling. You've taken a lot on board and it would do you good to offload it.

LegacyUser

notselfish wrote: »

I think the sheer volume of bad stuff that has happened has caused me to become somewhat desensitised and I've taken to looking at other people's misfortunes in a more coldly analytical way.

That is probably the best description of what I was trying to say. I just feel like I nearly don't believe people anymore and doubt their problems sometimes. it's such a horrible way to think.

But at the same time I have been worrying about my friend all day. Trying to find anything I can to understand what she is going through. I really want to help her and this is making me hate myself more for those thoughts that initially went through my head. She needs me.

It's not that I don't care about her. I could never do that to anyone. Despite my selfishness I do worry about people.

I have had counselling before but had to end it as I moved and couldn't attend it anymore. I have since looked into getting more but I can't afford private and the low cost place I have gone to have a long waiting list and I don't know when they'll be able to fit me in.

It's not that I want to be like this. I don't want to have to hate the person that i am becoming.

Thanks for all the responses so far everyone

Firetrap

Seeing as you've been worrying about your friend all day, you can't be all that bad Maybe helping her might help you?

whatdoicare

OP the only thing I can suggest is you talk it out in therapy/counselling.

I have a friend in your position, she went through an awful lot and she is a lovely person who I gave a lot of time to and happily listened to her when she had a tough day and did my best to keep her spirits up. I had no problem doing this as I wrongly assumed she would someday be as kind to me as I was to her.

But I have to admit, there was a time when I was going through a very tough situation myself and I was trying to reach out to her. She quickly saw where I was going and interrupted me mid sentence with something that she was going through. I tried a few times in the following weeks to tell her what was going on with me but eventually I realised that it wasn't going to happen. I started slowly moving away from her, I just couldn't handle the idea that she only wanted me around to hear her problems and there was no chance of a reciprocation.

Now, I realise that she didn't do any of it on purpose and it is a case that she has gotten into the habit of focusing soley on her own problems and not looking outwards.

Don't end up like my friend, she has slowly but surely gotten rid of all her friends as they grew tired of hearing her problems. It does become very hard work after a while. Get yourself to counselling and let them help you break out of this way of thinking. That's all it is, it's not you being selfish, it's just a habit you have gotten into and it can be broken with a little work. If you were truely selfish, you wouldn't be posting here and worrying about it.

Good luck in the future