When your girlfriend kisses/is kissed by a gay friend?

i124Q

The other night, my girlfriend kissed/got kissed by a gay friend of hers. I wasn't out that night.
She says shes sorry, she can barely remember it because of the alcohol(her friends reminded her of what happened and she barely remembers).

Its on my mind that when shes out with that group again, will she do/he do it again?

Its just annoying me because i've lost a bit of trust in her and kissing another guy, straight or gay, is STILL kissing another guy.

We've talked about it, I admitted i was mad about it and I had to make her promise it won't happen again. So she did and I forgive her. But the reason I'm posting here is because obviously its still on my mind and I need to clear my conciseness.

Also, the guy has a boyfriend who was there that night. Apparently the guy who kissed my gf kissed other girls that night too. Are Gays always like this? Possible Homewreckers/trustbreakers?

Thanks

Sleepy

LOL, no gay men are not always like anything.

Sounds more like he's bi / not entirely on the 'exclusively homosexual' end of the Kinsey scale tbh.

Namle

The exact same thing happened to me, right infront of me. One of my best friends who is gay snogged my fiance. I was really angry with both of them. It took me a while to calm down but when I did I realised that it wasn't serious for either of them. It was a joke that went too far. For me the big issue was the lack of respect for the relationship I am in. Joke or no joke, when I asked my fiance to consider how she would feel if i did the same to one of her female friends she understood how hurtful it can be. I had a chat with my mate too and now I still have a fiance, a good mate and peace of mind.

Hope you do too.

Kadongy

Yes gay people dont kiss members of the opposite sex, the same way as straight people dont kiss members of their own.

This would bother me a lot. However there's substantial mitigation in this case because if the guy tells her she's gay she might have felt safe to be more open and flirty with him in a way she might not be with a hetero or bi guy. Usually when cheating happens, the person in the releationship is the one who should take responsibility for it. In this case I think a larger share of it should lie with the guy.

I'd expect her to change her attitude a great deal ith the guy and distrust him. I wouldn't think that she would necessarily do it again because to me it would seem like she was tricked to some extent, and it sounds like she told you straight out and isn't trying to completely dodge responsibility or sneak around behind your back.

tenchi-fan

If he's bi you'd want to watch him.
If he's gay (which the majority of "bi" men actually are) he probably has his own issues. You won't need to worry about him stealing your girlfriend.
Your girlfriend probably sees him as non-threatening.
Still, lack of respect for you on her part.

I think you are only likely to cloud the issue if you either consider the fact he is gay at all, or if you extrapolate this one event into a generalization about gay people. The former will not help you work through this. The latter will just make you wrong.

Focus on what is important. Your other half kissed someone else. The sexuality of the kisser is irrelevant.

You have to focus on how this makes you feel, why she did it, what this means to you, can you move on from here, is it a deal breaker. All questions you need to ask yourself… and work through with us here on the thread if you want to explore each one with us.

In my own relationship my girlfriends are allowed kiss other people. No more than kissing and only with an agreed set of people. Were they to break that rule and kiss someone off the list or do more than kissing then a trust would have been broken that we staked our entire relationship on and for me it would be a deal breaker.

For other people however they happily let their partners have sex with other people.

So do not focus too much on what other people would do, or tell you to do, on a thread like this. Decide what the indiscretion means to you and your hopes and aspirations for the relationship. We can work from there.

Wompa1

i124Q wrote: »

The other night, my girlfriend kissed/got kissed by a gay friend of hers. I wasn't out that night.
She says shes sorry, she can barely remember it because of the alcohol(her friends reminded her of what happened and she barely remembers).

Its on my mind that when shes out with that group again, will she do/he do it again?

Its just annoying me because i've lost a bit of trust in her and kissing another guy, straight or gay, is STILL kissing another guy.

We've talked about it, I admitted i was mad about it and I had to make her promise it won't happen again. So she did and I forgive her. But the reason I'm posting here is because obviously its still on my mind and I need to clear my conciseness.

Also, the guy has a boyfriend who was there that night. Apparently the guy who kissed my gf kissed other girls that night too. Are Gays always like this? Possible Homewreckers/trustbreakers?

Thanks

so the crux of the matter is your girlfriend may go kissing other guys when drunk...I'd be very wary of her. Gay guy or not. Her friends felt the need to tell her to so it doesn't sound like it was just a peck on the cheek type of kiss.

It's funny, not too similar but an ex of mine had a gay friend and he was built up as this really great guy and I had to meet him, I'd love him etc. During the course of the night he put his hands up in side my shirt and felt me up, for some reason my girlfriends other friends thought it was a laugh and one of them did it too...my girlfriend saw it. Didn't say much but was kind of thick at her female friend...yet the gay guy got a free pass. I think some gay guys think like some drunk ladies on a night out that the dynamics and rules are different for them..it's a load of bull

i124Q

Deleted User wrote: »

Focus on what is important. Your other half kissed someone else. The sexuality of the kisser is irrelevant.

You have to focus on how this makes you feel, why she did it, what this means to you, can you move on from here, is it a deal breaker. All questions you need to ask yourself… and work through with us here on the thread if you want to explore each one with us.

So do not focus too much on what other people would do, or tell you to do, on a thread like this. Decide what the indiscretion means to you and your hopes and aspirations for the relationship. We can work from there.

So basically, decide what I believe in and stick with it.
Thing is, we all do stupid stuff when drunk. Should you just forgive and forget this matter(its her first time kissing a gay guy)? Thats what I'm doing at the moment(except when on this thread..). Then if it happens again, trust will most certainly be gone.
After she told me, trust has gone from 100% to 99%. That doesnt seem like a lot but it kind of is. Its always on your mind.
How does she win that trust back with me? Time?

Wompa1 wrote: »

so the crux of the matter is your girlfriend may go kissing other guys when drunk...I'd be very wary of her. Gay guy or not. Her friends felt the need to tell her to so it doesn't sound like it was just a peck on the cheek type of kiss.

It's funny, not too similar but an ex of mine had a gay friend and he was built up as this really great guy and I had to meet him, I'd love him etc. During the course of the night he put his hands up in side my shirt and felt me up, for some reason my girlfriends other friends thought it was a laugh and one of them did it too...my girlfriend saw it. Didn't say much but was kind of thick at her female friend...yet the gay guy got a free pass. I think some gay guys think like some drunk ladies on a night out that the dynamics and rules are different for them..it's a load of bull

I agree. Why should a gay couple be allowed to score other peoples' partners? Male OR Female. Nothing against gay people but my situation just frustrates me because I don't even know the extent of what happened. Why did he do that when he knew she had a boyfriend(me). He needs to be told off I think?

Big Bag of Chips

Your issue is with your gf. Not with him. Tell her off by all means, but leave him be. He has his own partner who can have words with him if he feels it necessary.

I am a friend

It doesn't matter who she kissed, the fact is she kissed someone else. She cheated so your problem is with her.

i124Q

I am a friend wrote: »

It doesn't matter who she kissed, the fact is she kissed someone else. She cheated so your problem is with her.

But I trust her enough not to kiss somebody else. Its the fact that he gobsmacked her, its what they do on nights out. Theyre just crazy and score everyone.

I am a friend

i124Q wrote: »

But I trust her enough not to kiss somebody else. Its the fact that he gobsmacked her, its what they do on nights out. Theyre just crazy and score everyone.

"they"????? Who are 'they'??

She was so drunk she seemingly didn't remember so
How does she know she was 'gobsmacked'??

Big Bag of Chips

i124Q wrote: »

But I trust her enough not to kiss somebody else. Its the fact that he gobsmacked her, its what they do on nights out. Theyre just crazy and score everyone.

You don't know what happened, or how it happened. All you have is your gf's version of her friend's version of events. She doesn't remember. Chances are the friends had a few drinks on board too, and while they may have seen "the kiss" they may not have seen who started it or how it started.

Your issue us with your gf. If she feels deceived or "violated" by this fella then SHE should have it out with him and tell him never to do it again.

Morbert

tenchi-fan wrote: »

If he's bi you'd want to watch him.
If he's gay (which the majority of "bi" men actually are) he probably has his own issues. You won't need to worry about him stealing your girlfriend.
Your girlfriend probably sees him as non-threatening.
Still, lack of respect for you on her part.

The problem is watching him will do no good. He is a free agent and can do what he likes. It is the girlfriend who needs to understand that, as long as she is in a relationship, it's not cool.

i124Q

Thanks for all the comments guys.

My decision is that I'm just going to forgive forget about it. I've forgiven her because it was not intentional, there was no meaning in what happened. Twas stupid drunkin banter and I will gain her trust back eventually because what we have is way too strong to let it come between us.

I love her very much and I know she has learned from this because she felt soo bad and still does feel bad about it. I've told her I was mad about it and it can't happen again. If it did happen again, I couldn't trust her anymore. I can regain her trust in time.

Thanks

i124Q

i124Q wrote: »

So basically, decide what I believe in and stick with it.

Pretty much yes. However also bear in mind this is early in your relationship and your other half might not be entirely clear on how you feel. You have to decide if this indiscretion is a deal breaker for you now or not.

If it is not then you could sit with your other half and say “look we never spoke about this before but I see this relationship lasting and if it is to last here are the things I need for a relationship…” and tell the things that are important to you, such as no indiscretions with other people.

As I said I am in a relationship with two girls at the moment and we live together. So it is unusual from the outset. However we have talked all this out. We know what is forgivable, not forgivable and what is an instant deal breaker in our relationship. We have made it very clear. There are a set group of people they are and I am allowed get kissy and cuddley with. If they did more with those people, or did it with people not in that list, it is game over for us.

However everyone is different. Some people are ok with swinging for example. While others would be aghast if their other half was even seen to hold hands with a member of the opposite sex.

Every relationship is different.

Communication is always the key. Each has to understand where the lines are. Do not assume the other person is psychic. If you see the relationship going somewhere then the key is to talk talk talk. If I had to pick one word more important than any other word in the world for making relationships work it would be “communication”.

i124Q

Deleted User wrote: »

If I had to pick one word more important than any other word in the world for making relationships work it would be “communication”.

I agree, but I think the most important thing is trust. Thats why this has affected me because I have lost a little trust in her but am willing to forgive and forget. If it were to happen again, I don't think I could trust her anymore. Its not early on, its been 18 months. I wouldn't let a stupid little drunkin mistake seperate us.

I think the reason I rank communication slightly higher than trust is that communication, done right, begets trust. You get the communication right, and trust sorts itself out.

Of course that is just a generalisation. I know there are exceptions. There are very trusting couples who hardly ever speak. I am always wary of making it seem like a "rule" applies to everyone. I think generally I have found it to be true though.

i124Q

Deleted User wrote: »

I think the reason I rank communication slightly higher than trust is that communication, done right, begets trust. You get the communication right, and trust sorts itself out.

Of course that is just a generalisation. I know there are exceptions. There are very trusting couples who hardly ever speak. I am always wary of making it seem like a "rule" applies to everyone. I think generally I have found it to be true though.

I actually think your right, because if the communication is right then you can easily tell if the other is lying about something or not. A.k.a Trust.

Thanks

The situation happened last week and I still have a weird feeling. I just hope it goes away and that I can trust her again soon because it bothers me that its on my mind this much.

i124Q

How do I trust her again?
How do I know she won't go out with the same group of people and do it again?
How can I move on from this?

Help

Wompa1

i124Q wrote: »

How do I trust her again?
How do I know she won't go out with the same group of people and do it again?
How can I move on from this?

Help

Woah. Given your latest post I'm guessing its really messing with your head. I don't believe in a break in a relationship but it sounds like you might need some space it also sounds like she should be making some sort of gesture to show you how sorry she is...but I've been told in the past that my expectations are too high

i124Q

Wompa1 wrote: »

Woah. Given your latest post I'm guessing its really messing with your head. I don't believe in a break in a relationship but it sounds like you might need some space it also sounds like she should be making some sort of gesture to show you how sorry she is...but I've been told in the past that my expectations are too high

Usually breaks happen just before break-ups so I don't want to get her worried in that sense.

Thats it, I don't feel completely reassured that she won't do it again. Its like she cant even trust herself. I suppose when alcohol comes into play, not everyone can trust themselves.

In what way were your expectations too high?

Wompa1

i124Q wrote: »

Usually breaks happen just before break-ups so I don't want to get her worried in that sense.

Thats it, I don't feel completely reassured that she won't do it again. Its like she cant even trust herself. I suppose when alcohol comes into play, not everyone can trust themselves.

In what way were your expectations too high?

My situation at that time was that I was the only one making any effort in the relationship. I told her I wanted to break up because she doesn't care about me. She asked me to give her a chance but then said it was too much pressure on her to try and make an effort to find things we could do together. It didn't matter really because she was cheating on me at the time.

If she can't trust herself then she's either not into you or she has a drink problem

i124Q

i124Q wrote: »

How do I trust her again?
How do I know she won't go out with the same group of people and do it again?
How can I move on from this?

Help

Again I think communication key here. You need to talk it out with her. Not in an "Im angry" kind of way or "How could you do this to me" kind of way but in a "Why do you think you did it... what did you get from it.... what did it mean to you...." kind of way.

Let her know you are over it and want to continue the relationship with her but that it is important to understand why it happened.