Girlfriend doesn't want children - ever.

LegacyUser

I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for 3 and a half years, living together for 1 and we’re very much in loving and committed relationship that has, thus far, had very few hiccups. She’s 29 and I’m 33. In the past we have had pretty serious conversations about the future where we saw us heading and marriage and children both featured in our plans – with both being first brought up by her.

Her sister recently had a daughter and we were at the Christening a couple of weeks back and in the church, I said to her in passing that one day that will be us. She became very distant then and remained that way for a few days before I sat her down and asked her what was wrong. She kind of let the whole thing out then – she no longer wants children and doesn’t think she ever will. She stressed that she still loves me, still wants to get married and spend her life with me but that children no longer feature for her. This came as a massive blow to me and it’s something I’m still struggling with and being a dad has always been a dream of mine.

The whole thing has totally thrown me now and I’m struggling to see a future for the relationship. I have told her as much and she got really angry and accused me of trying to blackmail her into having children, but it’s really not like that. I want her to want to have a family with me and believed that she wanted the same thing, but now that she doesn’t I don’t know where to go from her. I even asked her if there was some medical problem she wasn’t telling me but she just insists that she doesn’t want children at all. I really wish she's let me know this a few years ago.

Neyite

It is a potential dealbreaker, especially since she said she has wanted children before and was in agreement with you. I think strong views either way should be respected, but I dont think you should ignore your own feelings on the issue either.

If she does not want them, thats fine, but she should have said that from the start instead of telling you what you wanted to hear. Its up to you to decide if you want to have a childless future with her, or a future with children with someone else.

starlit

Hi OP, If feel for you I really do. You need to take both your issues on this into consideration of how ye feel about it and see both your sides to see if both of you could come to a compromise for a while.

To be honest once a woman makes up her mind to have kids or not to have kids she usually sticks with it. It could take a lot of convincing for her to change her mind. Some women are more maternal than others depends a lot how what their childhood was like, what needs they have, health circumstances, what they want from life, have they had exposure to kids i.e. minding them, having relations and friends who have kids and so on. Kids are hard work but the joy that comes with them is better than anything else in the world no matter how hard it is! Every girl is different and their circumstances of not wanting children varies from woman to woman. Some just dont' have that need or not have a maturnal instinct or just don't want motherhood and all that goes with it. They don't want it part of their life. So saying that it will take a lot of change your girlfriends mind about having kids even if it were the one! Is she really taking your feelings into consideration?

I am not saying you are blackmailing her to have kids but you need to give her an ultimatum or at least ask what does she really want and what do you want? Weigh it all up. It probably make or break the relationship but no point it going any further if its going to make you and her miserable. If you love her enough you will let her go and end the relationship it be better for both of you. If she loves you enough she will consider having a child but to be honest she has made up her mind and its final.

You deserve to at least have a chance in the hope of becoming a father, no one should take away that chance from you.

If she doesn't want children then she is best with someone who doesn't either. Why put yourself through that heartache! Though are you willing to give up your need to have children to spend the rest of your life with your girlfriend?

Is there a reason why she doesn't want children? If she has told you there be a level of understanding.

I think its a bit selfish on her part not to at least consider having children even if it were to adopt or something if she felt she didn't want to go through pregnancy/birth or anything like that.

A child is for life not just for Christmas. You yourself need to think about it hard too. Deep down what is your gut feeling and her gut feeling? Does it feel right with her if it does then you have to really think hard, do you see a future with her? If not then cut your losses. I think taking that dream away from you is a bit harsh. Find someone who would like to have children. Its fairer on your and fairer on her. Ye might end up resenting each other otherwise.

Good luck OP. Hope you make the right decision for you and your girlfriend and for anything else that happens in your future.

Oryx

Did she say why she had such a radical change of mind? Or is it that she couldnt bring herself to admit it before?

I would discuss why she doesnt want kids with you before doing anything else. It just seems odd to me that someone would change their mind on something so fundamental, there has to be a pretty solid reason behind it. You need to find out what that is.

Neyite

It occured to me that maybe her sisters pregnancy/childbirth experience has coloured her thinking - did the sister have a difficult pregancy or birth?

The thing is, women who give birth forget the pain suffered - its actually some sort of hormone, so when you hear a woman after a 20 hour labour, stitches etc say that they would do it all again and it was worth it, its the 'forget' hormone kicking in. But others around them dont have that luxury, and maybe her sisters experience has scared or shocked her?

tenchi-fan

Complete dealbreaker IMO.

At the start of your relationship she said she wanted children, probably knowing that you did & that's why she said it. Why and when over the past 3.5 years did she change her mind?

Let her know that children are in your future.

Wompa1

If I was you I'd end the relationship now. I've realized more and more that I do want kids so being with somebody who doesn't won't work for me.

Sorry you found out so late on, that does kind of suck.

I am a friend

And when was she going to tell you this???? Another 2/3/4/5 years time? V selfish of her.

This really gets gets my goat as an ex did this to me but the difference is that I was a girl and mid 30's... I thought my chance had gone. We broke up and it was the best thing ever.

It's hard for you to know what to do but for me, the level of selfishness she has portrayed, by leading you up the garden path, would turn me off her forever cos if you hadn't broight the subject up lately then she may never have said... At least ye are not already married.

Jack B. Badd

melted_head wrote: »

I really wish she's let me know this a few years ago.

I used to think that wanting children was very much a yes or no situation - you either want them or you don't and you know this from an early age. I was an early articulator myself so the concept of "not knowing" whether you wanted kids or not was an alien concept to me.

Recently though, I've read some articles/blogs/etc by fence-sitters and realised that it can be viewed as a spectrum. Some people sit at one of the two extremes, they know that they definitely do or definitely don't want children, but some people (probably a lot of people) sit in the middle. They're unsure or never put too much thought into it or they just assume that they want children because "that's what you do".

I'm guessing that your girlfriend sits (or, until recently, sat) somewhere in the middle, assumed that she wanted children but never put a huge amount of thought into it and her sister's pregnancy has suddenly made her think about it and she's found out that she actually doesn't want them. It's a great pity for both of you that she didn't figure this out earlier given the length of your relationship but I'd love to think that, if I was in your situation, I wouldn't hold it against her because for some people these decisions don't resolve themselves at a convenient time (easy for me to say, I know!). When the expectation is that everybody wants and will have children, it can take a lot to make you actually think about whether you want to conform to this and I don't think it can be called "selfish" given that our society doesn't readily encourage people to ask this of themselves at a young age.

If it was me, I would break up with her. Children are not something you can compromise on, one of you will have to acquiesce to the other's desires and I think resentment is a natural result of this. It will imo break your relationship sooner or later - as another poster said, it's a deal-breaker (for me anyway). To her response that you are "blackmailing her", you're not. Don't try to let her guilt you into believing that. You're entitled to want children just as she's entitled to not want them. Acknowledging that these aren't compatible desires isn't blackmail, it's responsible.

Good luck, OP.

Taltos

Hold on - let me see if I have this straight.

Start of relationship: marriage + kids
Now: marriage and no kids her choice. You still want kids and the response is you are guilting her into having children against her wishes???

OP - as above kids for me are a dealbreaker. If you want to be a father then I think the only thing for you to do is end this relationship.
If you want first talk to her and find out if she never wanted kids (i.e. lied to you) or if this is a more recent thing and what was the cause.
If it is a reaction to her sister's pregnancy then maybe she can overcome it - however if she is insistent that this is it and she will never have children then you have to decide - is being with her more important to you then being a father?

Sorry.

Firetrap

I'm inclined to agree with Jack B Badd's opinion. Of course only your girlfriend can tell you how long she has had doubts about having children and what caused her to change her mind. I can understand why you are hopping mad at the moment but try not to judge her harshly. It could be that the reality of seeing sister going through pregnancy, labour and now having a baby in her life freaked her out and that this will pass. Or, maybe it just confirmed the nagging doubts in her head that she was trying to suppress.

Then you need to make a decision of your own. You really want to have your own kids. Is it worth sacrificing this relationship so that you can have them with someone else? Only you know the answer to that. There is no easy answer.

Sleepy

When you say that being a dad has already been a dream of yours you're going to have to end the relationship. Either your girlfriend will 'give in' and end up resenting you or you'll end up resenting her.

It's like a band-aid, far better to just whip it off rather than prolong the pain.

Darlughda

Oh hell. That must be awful. OP.

Thing is, I am same as your girlfriend re: not wanting kids, and everyone tells you you just don't know til a certain age etc, etc, so try not to blame her for not being definite before now.

It must be so upsetting for a couple to break up for the reason of one wanting kids and the other no. I chose a different way-one not recommended!
Anyway, her honesty and genuine love for you now could maybe become a source of good friendship and strength for you in the future.

Its really hard to say no, I don't want kids, when you are a woman, especially if you think the man you love really wants them and also want you, and there you are in the moment...etc.

At least she is not doing that thing so many other people do, of just shagging and saying the hell with it, I know in my heart I don't want kids, but I'm loving this moment, so whatever will be....

LegacyUser

I don't think talking about me will help you in your predicament but it might help you see things from your girlfriend's perspective.

I'm a woman who doesn't want kids. For years it was something I grappled with in my head and would have been very much unsure about. It's not that I'm a kid hater at all. They seem to like me and I don't mind spending time with children if that's the way things fall. I used to think that if I met the right man that I'd see things differently and that a switch would go off in my head which would make me want to have children. Looking back, I was trying to convince myself that having children was something that I should do.

Then one day I did one of those stock takes of life that we sometimes do and had a moment of clarity. I realised that I was single and nearly 38. Even if I met the man of my dreams in the morning and wanted to have children, I'd be looking at being a mum in or around the 40 mark. Not something I personally would like to risk for the child's sake. Instead of panicking, I realised that I was relieved that the predicament had finally been solved for me. It's just that I could not or would not see all the way along that I actually didn't want children. It's assumed that women want to have kids and the ones who don't are thought to be selfish, somehow.

If your girlfriend has decided she doesn't want to have children, that's her choice I'm afraid. You said that you want her to want to have kids with you. She's a human being, not a brooding mare I'm afraid. Don't assume that she has been hiding this awful truth about not wanting them from you for years. Chances are that she hasn't but might have been trying to convince herself, just like I was, that children were something she should have.

You say being a father has always been a dream of yours. If that is the case, I don't see what you can do other than break up with your girlfriend. She won't have taken the decision not to have them lightly - you can be sure that she has given it a lot of thought.

ash23

Unfortunately it's a dealbreaker as you can't compromise and have half a baby.

I was in this situation. Children were always on the cards, from the start. I had one from a previous relationship and made it clear I wanted more. He was the same.
As we got older the issue came up more and more. He'd fob me off "in 6 months, in a year" and on and on it went.
Eventually he admitted he didn't want kids.
I was heartbroken, disappointed, angry etc. I felt strung along and used, lied to.

It was the beginning of the end. I stayed but I shouldn't have. We fought more, there was more anger there.

We split up for other reasons but it was a large contributing factor.

I now know I won't consider being with someone who doesn't want children. It's a must for me.

Be true to yourself. You've always wanted to be a father. You know you want children. She knows she doesn't. It can't ever work.

I am a friend

For all of those advising the op not to be upset with his gf over her 'change of heart' then you gave obviously never been at the receiving end of such a choice.

The op is lucky in a way that he is male and his biological clock is not as restrictive as a females. I find it very hard to accept that she told him that she wanted kids from day one and that she has done right by not making her doubts known in the meantime. We are all entitled to our choices but we are not entitled to lead on someone we are supposed to love.

bronte

I am a friend wrote: »

For all of those advising the op not to be upset with his gf over her 'change of heart' then you gave obviously never been at the receiving end of such a choice.

The op is lucky in a way that he is male and his biological clock is not as restrictive as a females. I find it very hard to accept that she told him that she wanted kids from day one and that she has done right by not making her doubts known in the meantime. We are all entitled to our choices but we are not entitled to lead on someone we are supposed to love.

Sometimes some people don't know for sure until an event such as the recent addition the Ops GF's sister has had. That can be the final nail in the coffin.
Have you always been 100% sure of everthing in your life?
Neither of these people need criticism. They're going through something painful enough already. Take it from someone who's been there. The only way forward is to part company unfortunately.

I am a friend

I have been there too and I dont think you should let doubts lie this lay dormant for 3.5 years when it affects someone else.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Firstly I just want to say that the myth that women want babies more than men is a total myth. I'm going by my experience and from talking to other women around my age. I am still on the fense with regards kids. I was talking to a group of my friends last week and the issue of babies came up but not in the way you think. A friend said that her bf mentioned wanting to start having kids and it gave her a fright. Then the rest of my friends admitted that their bfs want it way more than they do!

TBH I dont see not wanting kids as selfish, I see having kids when you don't want them as way way way more selfish. Luckily for me I'm not dead set against them and I have time to wait and hope that I get clucky. Also my bf has said that he would love to be a stay at home Dad, which works perfectly for me as I would hate to be a stay at home mum and I'd hate to give up work.

I wonder would you consider being a stay at home dad and having your gf continue to work??? For me anyways the thoughts of being at home all day minding kids is about as appealing as jamming a fork in my eye. Maybe that could be the comprimise? She carries the babies, goes through horrific pain, looses her figure but at the end of it you will do the day to day grind and she can get back to work? God just realised that is actually how I see it! Hmmmmmm some thinking needs to be done here myself :eek:.

There's so many different opinions here and I don't think that any are "right" or "wrong". Above all you need to talk to your girlfriend and see if a comprimise could be reached?

Best of luck

stovelid

If she is really serious about it , leave.

I know somebody who was in the same situation and left. Now he has a kid with somebody else and couldn't be happier.

Forgoing parenthood for her isn't like other simpler relationship comprimises and you may well end up resenting her for it.

bronte

I am a friend wrote: »

I have been there too and I dont think you should let doubts lie this lay dormant for 3.5 years when it affects someone else.

Like I said, she possibly hasn't had it hit her til very recently.

seenitall

Hi OP,

It seems to me that unless you are prepared to give up on being a father (something I don't think you should do - no one should be giving up on their dreams in any case!), your relationship is over. I was sorry to read your post.

As ash said, there can be no compromise here, because generally a person either wants to procreate or they don't. You do, your g/f doesn't. For whatever reason, her mind is changed on that now. A clear case of a dealbreaker.

I advise you to take the initiative in breaking up, because this state of affairs is more unbearable for you than it is for her, so you will be the better off the sooner you're out of it.

Just don't try and prolong this situation, or make it better, or get her to come round again. None of it will work and it runs the risk of fostering a tension and a hostility between you, therefore souring all the good times you did have together. It's far better to part on good terms as two people whose life paths started diverging from each other.

You will have plenty of time to find a like-minded g/f, but the sooner you move on now, the better.

Good luck.

I am a friend

bronte wrote: »

Like I said, she possibly hasn't had it hit her til very recently.

No one knows except her and my point was if she has known for a long while it was selfish not to tell her oh... I agree its not selfish to wish to remain childless - each to their own but it is selfish to hold on to someone who wants kids when you know you don't.

OS119

I am a friend wrote: »

No one knows except her and my point was if she has known for a long while it was selfish not to tell her oh... I agree its not selfish to wish to remain childless - each to their own but it is selfish to hold on to someone who wants kids when you know you don't.

the OP has given no indication that he believes his GF's change of heart to be longstanding, or that he does not believe that when his GF, years ago, said that she wanted children, she wasn't telling truth.

Far more likely, given the OP's narrative, that his GF has recently, and concurrently with her sister becoming a mother, decided that she no longer wants children. given the significant nature of this decision, its very unlikely that she's not taken time over it, rethought it, tried to determine whether it was 'just a phase', or a short-lived reaction to her sisters motherhood, but she has eventually come to the view that it is a real change of heart.

'eventually' and 'thinking about it' take time - by and large, when people are considering the most serious and long-term choices they face, they do not just blurt out whatever happens to be in their head at the time. she has probably done the best she could in the less than ideal circumstances she found herself in - particularly with everyone cooing over the new baby in the family and casting their eyes upon her womb.

the OP faces three choices: stay, and accept that he won't have children, stay, hope that she might change her mind but know that she may not, or leave and find another field to plough.

this is likely to be hard enough on both parties without adding blame to the mix.

LegacyUser

Not everyone is deliberately under-handed.

Indeed, not everyone is deliberately under-handed. However, if you are in a relationship that purports to be serious and which is measured in years rather than weeks, than you have to consider the welfare of both parties. This requires you to be clear about your own intentions and not to simply drift along until you think it convenient to actually think about something, whether it be the suitability of the other person, having children, emigrating or whatever. Carelessness about your own intentions is an anti-relationship act.

OS119

realistic person wrote: »

This requires you to be clear about your own intentions and not to simply drift along until you think it convenient to actually think about something...

being clear to others about your views requires you to first be clear with yourself about those views.

the OP's GF was clear about her views. then they changed - and unless she has the mind of a cabbage patch doll, its unlikely that change of mind was instantanious, or didn't require testing. its quite unlikely, given the OP's narrative, that the GF didn't say 'sort yourself out' to herself, or didn't think that once the 'eeuurrrhhgg' and 'oh christ, i can't possibly be responsible for looking after absolutely everything that a baby needs - i'm a halfwit who can't look after myself' phases passed, that she wouldn't get back to wanting children.

but that not what happened, the 'phases' didn't pass, and she told the OP when she felt able/sure of what she thought. its hard on the OP, but there's no blame here, no one has done anything wrong.

Distorted

I am a friend wrote: »

For all of those advising the op not to be upset with his gf over her 'change of heart' then you gave obviously never been at the receiving end of such a choice.

The op is lucky in a way that he is male and his biological clock is not as restrictive as a females. I find it very hard to accept that she told him that she wanted kids from day one and that she has done right by not making her doubts known in the meantime. We are all entitled to our choices but we are not entitled to lead on someone we are supposed to love.

I wouldn't have thought changing your mind was such an unforgiveable sin. I doubt there is anything sinister about this, or some kind of breach of contract - the OP and his girlfriend aren't even married, fgs!

Thats about as harsh as suggesting that the OP ditch her asap so he can get out on the hunt for a new women with a willing womb, perhaps asking every woman on the first date "Can you gurantee that if we get married, you will have children?". And then perhaps getting them to commit it to writing. That would about the only way to get around the normal human variable of changing your mind.

meditraitor

Sadly I have to agree with the Majority here, there is no future in this for you.

But....

and I am probably alone on this one, in my opinion woman can change their minds as quick as they make it.... if your lucky she might just have had a temporary fear.

Good Luck man whatever you decide or happens