Overly Sensitive? Over thinking???

LegacyUser

Registered user going unreg'd for this one. Some of my details in the below post have been changed to aid in anonymity.

I'm a 23 year old male.

To the outside world, I should be grand; I'm a big guy (6' 3" or so), always seemingly happy, everyone considers me 'sound' and I really am easy-going and easy to get along with. I'll do as much as I can to help someone, even complete strangers. I go out of my way to be nasty, even if I'm in a foul mood.

But in reality, I'm incredibly sensitive to a lot of things. It could also be considered as 'highly strung' or 'overly emotional', but I'd prefer sensitive. I love my friends, and it pains me to see anything bad happen to any of them and I regularly go out of my way for them. This is usually reciprocated and I'm lucky in that I probably have the best friends that anyone could ask for.

My best friend is easily one of my housemates; we share an awful lot of common interests, we really enjoy each other's company, we respect each other and I just think the world of him.

We do have our little arguments here and there, but who doesn't? It's never anything serious or anything.

Recently, however, he went absolutely ballistic at me over nothing. I mean, it literally was nothing. This was about a month ago and it is still niggling in my mind. He was drunk, and he went pure spare at me. He was shouting and roaring at me and threatened violence. Needless to say, I was stunned, upset and distraught. Within half an hour, however, he called me (I was at home, still reeling; he had stayed out near where I had gone to pick him up) apologising. I drove down to see him, despite him saying he was walking home. We met up, and I just lost it emotionally (I'd been feeling down that day anyway, and having my best friend shout and abuse me just shattered me).

I broke down in tears, sobbing so hard that I can't remember the last time I cried as badly. In fairness to him, he hugged me and comforted me, saying he was so sorry. I cried into his shoulder for ages, and he stood with me. He told me how wrong he was and that he was sorry.

But I still have mixed feelings about it all; I'm overthinking everything now, but I still have some thoughts that nag at me... Why would he go so mad at me over nothing? Why was there so much venom and vitriol in what he shouted at me? What drove him to that, and if he had some resentment and anger towards me, why??? I have done nothing to him at all, he's my best friend and I can't think why he would feel so angry towards me.

While some time has passed, I still feel like I've done something wrong, but I'm too scared to ask him, in case something bad comes out in the washing. I'm also half ashamed of myself for breaking down like that. As mentioned, I'm a big guy, so it must have looked half comical for me to cry and sob like that. I also know that maybe he feels awkward, as he was hugging me and cradling my head on his shoulder for a while, until I stopped crying...

I've never had major fights with any of my close friends, and I'm not sure this would even qualify as a 'fight'... But it has me concerned nonetheless. I hate bringing it up to him again, as I know he hates talking about things like that, but I feel that I need closure and I want to make sure that there's nothing festering still and that we are still 'cool', and 'friends'... childish as that may sound.

solovely

It sounds to me like both you and your friend have emotional issues, which probably have nothing to do with each other, but ye end up taking them out/ looking for comfort in each other.

I doubt the way your friend reacted that night had much to do with you personally. It sounds like he was upset over something else and took it out on you because he could. We often take things out on those closest to us, because we can.

You then seemed to get irrationally upset, and seek comfort in him. Were you really that upset just over him being angry at you, or is there something else you're upset over and used this as a vent for all the other emotional upset?

He was there for you, maybe you need to be there for him now, and try help him out with whatever is bothering him to make him react like this, rather than thinking that it's all about you. Maybe if you get him on your own, ask him how things are generally, if there's anything going on. Make it about him, not about you. And thank him for being there for you, and tell him you'd be the same for him if he ever needed it....

Big Bag of Chips

If it was that big of a barny, it's unreasonable to think that both of you could just forget about it and carry on without any more mention of it. There is obviously things that need to be said by you, and possibly by him.

If you guys are really good friends, then you should be able to discuss this with him without fear of it damaging your freidnship. To be honest, he owes you an explanation. Now, be aware that in that explanation you may hear things that aren't particularly nice. There may be something about you that really really bothers him.. but unless it's said, then you'll never know.

You're on edge about it. He's probably embarrassed and hoping you don't bring it up... but I think it's something that you both need to talk about.. when you are both relaxed and calm.

Otherwise there is a danger it will explode again when one or other of you have had a few drinks or are angry about something.

It'll be really difficult, and a bit embarrassing for you both.. but I think it needs to be done.

LegacyUser

OP here...

Yeah, I can't think of anything between us that would cause animosity, but I'm definitely going to try and find out.

There are things in our respective lives that put us under stress (I have very poor relations with my family which is why I value my friends so much and I suffer from insomnia; he has a stressful job where he has to put up with a lot of rubbish from the boss, he also has trouble sleeping). So we may just go at each other because we're close together.

Also, another thing that has occurred to me; the house we live in is being share between 4 of us. My best friend knows the other 2 lads far better than I do, but we're all still friends. But if ever anything is going on in the house, he's the link between me and the other two. He's the one I'll always talk to (and unfortunately vent anger at) if things in the house go wrong. I never am angry at him, it's always that I don't want to be seen to be something of a dictator in the house to the rest of the lads. So there is that between us at times. But it's never that 'heavy'.

We are the best of friends, at the back of everything. I'd do anything for him, and he'd do anything for me. So it's got me really worried that we've had a fight. I reckon I am overthinking... but there's still that niggling worry that he might still be mad at me over something...

Catari Jaguar

Ah, you're a rare breed, and the world would be a beautiful place if more people were like you...

It might have been that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time and he was venting. Due to your forgiving nature, it may be more tempting to just unleash drunken anger on you than someone else. Don't take it personally. If it seems long forgotten, it probably is. If your gut tells you there are underlying issues and tension then ask him if you guys are cool.

Not everyone is as selfless, sensitive or empathetic as you are. Remember that.

Chin up! x

LegacyUser

OP here again...

Well, things couldn't be much worse, unfortunately... We tried to talk last night, but we ended up having a blazing argument. My 'best friend' punched me in the head, putting me on the ground, as he caught me in the temple and it really knocked me sideways. Only for one of our other friends was there, he might have done more.

As mentioned, I'm a big guy and I'm head and shoulders taller than he is... but he just blindsided me and I was taken by surprise. Even if I stayed up, I know in my heart and soul I would not have been able to fight back, I couldn't bring myself to hurt him. Even though I was dazed and nearly unconscious thanks to the strike, I'm not angry. I'm stunned and incredibly upset and distraught.

We both had work today, so we've not had a chance to talk properly... and I'm not sure if I want to. I knew he had an angry and violent streak in him, but I never thought I'd be the brunt of that.

I was in tears for a long time over this, I just can't believe it... What is happening here!? I just don't know what to do anymore...

DazMarz

You sound like a really nice guy. You just have a lot invested in your friends, as is normal when we have close friends.

Talk to your friend as soon as you can; there's no point in letting what sounds like a really close friendship ending over something that is probably very small. Be strong and hang tough. If your friendship is as strong as it sounds (and it sounds pretty strong to me), it will survive a lot. Air everything, get what's annoying each of you out in the open, talk it over and make sure that you patch things up.

Chin up, it will all work itself out!:)

Sundew

MCMLXXXVIII wrote: »

But in reality, I'm incredibly sensitive to a lot of things. It could also be considered as 'highly strung' or 'overly emotional', but I'd prefer sensitive. I love my friends, and it pains me to see anything bad happen to any of them and I regularly go out of my way for them. This is usually reciprocated and I'm lucky in that I probably have the best friends that anyone could ask for.

OP: I could have written this myself
There is a wonderful book written by Elaine Aron called "The Highly Sensitive Person" (available in eason's) which I would recommend that you read. I am HSP and this book was an eye opener to me .
http://www.hsperson.com/index.html

Kimia

MCMLXXXVIII wrote: »

OP here again...

Well, things couldn't be much worse, unfortunately... We tried to talk last night, but we ended up having a blazing argument. My 'best friend' punched me in the head, putting me on the ground, as he caught me in the temple and it really knocked me sideways. Only for one of our other friends was there, he might have done more.

As mentioned, I'm a big guy and I'm head and shoulders taller than he is... but he just blindsided me and I was taken by surprise. Even if I stayed up, I know in my heart and soul I would not have been able to fight back, I couldn't bring myself to hurt him. Even though I was dazed and nearly unconscious thanks to the strike, I'm not angry. I'm stunned and incredibly upset and distraught.

We both had work today, so we've not had a chance to talk properly... and I'm not sure if I want to. I knew he had an angry and violent streak in him, but I never thought I'd be the brunt of that.

I was in tears for a long time over this, I just can't believe it... What is happening here!? I just don't know what to do anymore...

OP I don't know what's going on with your friend but you are not and should not be his punching bag. It's like an abusive relationship tbh - you need to get out of there and get some space. It's absolutely appalling that he hit you like that and I would be worried too about what he would have done if your other friends weren't there.

It could be that he feels too much pressure from being so incredibly close like that and needed to push you away so to speak. I know it's wonderful to have good friends but you sounded a bit too dependant on him so I would also look at that and try and develop some confidence about standing on your own (with the other lads for example - you should not be 'going through him' for anything).

Regardless, you need to go and stay with another friend for a while. Then when you have had time to process this you should meet up with your friend in a neutral place with no drink and talk about it (if you want).

I'm not sure I could be friends with someone who would do that though - I don't think I could trust them again. Best of luck OP.

DazMarz

Ok, that he hit you is awful. That is truly absolutely horrible. Your "best friend", and he goes and hits you??? I'm reminded of a phrase that starts with 'Who needs enemies'.

Lay it on the line with this nasty sounding little s.o.b., and let him know that not only is his behaviour absolutely unacceptable, that it's criminal... literally. Obviously, I don't know the background to any of this, and I'm not sure if I can believe that it was over "nothing" and that you didn't retaliate, but that he would strike you (and in such a vulnerable area) is truly awful.

I don't know if talking alone is a viable option. Don't get into a fight with him, but make sure he knows that his actions were 100% wrong and that he has no excuse.

curlzy

Hey OP,

First of all *big Hug*, that's an awful shock you've been through, so take it easy on yourself! My bf is somewhat similar to you, he's 6'4" and buff but loves kittens and babies and has cried at some very girly films:) and also takes it to heart if someone is mean to him. I have to say I adore that side of him and how he's tough as nails on the outside but a big oul squishy softie on the inside, seriously OP it's not something to be ashamed of or want to change, it's beautiful.

I can't imagine what's going on in your friends head but it certainly sounds like the whole thing is very emotionally charged. I know you live with him so you can't really avoid him until it calms down. What I would suggest you do is write him a letter and just say that you're really upset and that you really don't want to lose his friendship and could he maybe write back and you two could figure it out that way if talking is too much?

I just want to say aswell that you should never let anyone hit you, friend or not, try to walk away before it gets to that but don't be afraid to defend yourself either, just because you're bigger doesn't mean you have to let yourself be punched.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied, the advice really has helped me plan what I can try to do. It's also given me a bit of a self-esteem pick up! I always viewed my sensitivity, showing of emotion, etc. as something of a character flaw, as I should have been more insensitive and stoic. I think that I'm starting to get more comfortable with who I am.

As for my friend, I still love him to bits, despite it all. I was aware from stories he'd told me from his past that he did have a bit of a violent streak in him (getting into fights, using violence to solve problems, etc.), but that it mostly manifested itself when he had drink taken. This was the case when he lashed out at me. I know it's no excuse, but it does give something of a reason for it.

I don't mean to demonise my friend either, I'm just trying to explain what I know to people so they can see where I'm coming from. Under normal circumstances, he's the nicest, sweetest, best guy in the world. I wouldn't be friends with him otherwise, nor would I value our friendship so much. He is very kind to his family too, looks after his little brother so well and is always concerned about his parents. He is normally quiet and says little, and for this he can be seen as 'grumpy', but once you get to know him, he is one of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet. He just changes when he drinks, but usually does not get violent.

I'm hoping to talk to him, but thanks big time to Curlzy, who suggested writing the letter. That may be another plan of action that would help to let me pour emotion out without having to see him face to face. It also eliminates the danger of me clamming up, which I've been known to do an awful lot.

Hopefully things can get better. Thanks once again to everyone who replied. It is very appreciated.