I love her...but

LegacyUser

So basically I met a girl who I feel in love with. I'm a 30 year old guy and have been around the block, a few long term relationships and quite a few casual romances. I thought I had been in love before but I guess I never knew for sure until now.

I was working in a European city (Spain) on contract with work which I knew would soon come to an end and I would have to move on to the next contract. ( I am constantly on the move due to work). I met this women (English) and was very honest with her from the start, explaining that I was only in town for a few months. This arrangement appealed to her and we struck up a very intense and passionate relationship.

She was incredibly beautiful and I felt so lucky to have met such a wonderful women. We really hit off and I went out of my way to make her happy and treat her with respect. We started to go away for weekends and spent most of our free evenings together.

What was supposed to be a mutually beneficial short term sexual relationship turned into something much more. So much more.... I completely and utterly fell in love with her. I cant describe the depth of the feelings I had for her. It was like my whole life I had been waiting for her and there she was... and the best part was...... the feelings were reciprocal. She felt the same, we fell deeply in love and it was the best experience of my life. Without doubt I have never loved someone the way I loved her.

So then we decided to end it...........

Why you ask??.... well here is some back round

I'm 30yrs she is 43yrs and has a lovely 6 year old boy. I want to have a family. At 43 she has finished childbearing. She respects the fact that I want children and although I could easily love her child as my own I would hate to put myself in a relationship where I would never have a chance to have my own children. She knows how much I want to start a family of my own and feels that if I stayed with her I would become unhappy, frustrated and resentful.

So here I find myself in awful pain. I love her so much. I have never loved someone like I have loved her. To me she is absolute perfection. Every women I see from now on will only pale in comparison to her....

So these are my options......

Suck it up and move on and try to find a girl my own age who I will love and could see myself starting a family with?

Go back to her and tell her that I love her and that I don't care how old she is and that I don't care that if we live happily ever after that I will never have any kids of my own...........

Absolutely lost and heart broken.... any advice would be helpful....

karaokeman

Did she tell you she definitely doesn't want anymore children?

If you're assuming she doesn't want anymore by 43, that will get you nowhere. Remember that many people have children even at that age. Its after 50 that most people would think they are too old to have anymore.

I know a woman in her early 40s who never got married and she would still love to find "the one" and have kids with them.

Age shouldn't be an issue if the two of you love each other so much. Just talk with her and see if you can come to some sort of a compromise.

Eve_Dublin

Jesus this is such a tough one, OP and I'm sorry you're in this situation. My best friend is in a situation similarish to this at the moment. She's been with her boyfriend for 10 years, they're in their early 30s but her boyfriend doesn't want kids and he's pretty adament about it and always was. Her head is wreaked....should she end it and find someone else who does or stay with her "soul mate" (they're an incredible couple...they sound like yourself and this woman). It's heart breaking for both of them (and I'd be heart broken if they ended it). She has always envisioned herself having kids eventually and thought her boyfriend would eventually change his mind as they got older but he hasn't.

OP...after considering my best friends situation and changing my mind back and forth, I've decided that the chances of her finding someone she'll love again are likely but if she stays with her boyfriend, the chances of them having kids are nil. I'm not one of them but I know people who've been with people in the past who they truely believed were the one at that time, something happened, they broke up and they found someone else. I don't believe in "the one". There's thousands of them out there. I went travelling for a year in South America and I met about 7 guys who I thought I could settle down with easily just because they were so fantastic and I'd never be the kind of person who believes I'd never meet someone again if I broke up with my current boyfriend. Experience has thought me otherwise.

You seem set on having kids, so much so that you questioning your current relationship. Some people are made to be parents...like my best friend. By the way, the ball is in her court and it looks like she's ending it with her boyfriend because her desire to have kids is so great. She believes she's loveable and will find someone again to settle down with. As much as I hate to see her end it with her boyfriend, I'd hate to see her miserable 10 years down the line when it's too late for her to give birth.

All I can say is don't believe this woman will be the only woman you could ever love. If you see yourself being miserable in the future without kids, then you know what to do.

It's a tough decision but this is my take on it. Best of luck with your decision.

baby and crumble

The thing is, OP, what's the guarantee the woman you fall in love with who is of childbearing age can have kids no problem? Do you know that you are fertile? A lot of couples can have problems with fertility, and if you base your relationships on having 'your own' kids, then it could go wrong.

If you love this woman, and she loves you, and you could love her son as your own, how is that different from 5 years down the line having to go through fertility treatments that might not work, or adopting anyway?

I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom, but there are no guarantees in life, least of all around being able to have children. I know the idea for many is far-fetched, but I have worked with couples who have adopted/ are adopting, and there are far more than you think. Just don't dismiss a wonderful relationship on those grounds without giving it serious, serious thought. You will still be a Dad if you stay with this woman, you will still have a child. He made not have your DNA, but if you love and marry his Mum, then YOU become his Dad. And you sound like a nice guy, who'd make a great Dad. Why are you hung up on it being 'your' child?

I am a friend

Yep op, you never know if you can have kids til ye get pregnant. I have had friends who have been tested to the nth degree, nothing is wrong with either but they don't manage to get pregnant.

It's also not fair on another girl to be second best but chosen because she 'can' provide kids...

As another poster asked, is it that she won't have other kids?