Honest Advice needed- Friends & Weddings

LegacyUser

Hello everyone,

This is a bit long so if you read it..thanks

I need peoples honest Advice here. I know this sounds a bit selfish but I am a friends Bridesmaid and I really want to ask her to ask someone else. She asked me about 6 weeks ago, where at the time I mildly suggested to her she would have other people she should ask or who might prefer to do it. She didnt even hear me or really listen just kept going in her conversation and has preceeded on telling everyone I'm her bridesmaid. Wedding is in July next Year. She is very excited about it all. And though I probably sound very self centred in this post I am genuinely delighted for her.

I currently live in Dublin due to work. Go back home every second weekend to see my boyfriend and rest of my family/friends etc. He comes up the next weekend etc. I don't want to name my home place but its about an hour and half drive if there is very little traffic/usually closer to two hours. I don't have the time or being honest inclination to go dress shopping or all the rest of the involvement I am seemingly expected to do such as attend wedding events at weekends. Including paying €275 and taking a day off work to go on a Hen in February. Which to be honest I would have to start saving now to afford.

I really don't want to hurt her and I know I do seem a bit selfish. I have tried explaining to her that I don't really have the time to be going to all these events but seem to be painted as a terrible person with one of the other bridesmaids bombarding me with emails/texts every second day about one item or another or my lack of help with the engagement party which was a friday night, I had to drive from Dublin that evening to even get to.

Is there any nice way to tell her to ask someone else or even any way I could try explain my difficulty time wise to help with these things?? My two best friends just told me to pull out and my boyfriend says she and bridesmaid 2 are just bridezillas and not to put myself under the pressue of it. I feel terrible about letting her down but its driving me crazy already and Its another 10months away before we hit the wedding.

Any input would be appreciated.

amdublin

I'll be honest I don't think there is any way to say it to her without a Massive Fallout.

So you either tell her and don't be expected to be even a guest at the wedding.

Or else just grit your teeth and just get through the next ten months whatever way you can!

OS119

guestoct2011 wrote: »

...Any input would be appreciated.

i doubt there is a 'good' way to tell the bride that you are pulling out - any course of action you take or form of words/excuse you use is going to have consequences for your relationship with her.

the decent thing would be for you to speak to her face to face, the effective thing would be to send an email.

i wouldn't get worried about 'letting her down' - a) she didn't listen to your objections first time around, and b) from what you say she's got others willing to jump into your shoes.

given (sexist mode on) how most/some women are about weddings, i'd suggest that you accept that pulling out will end your friendship with this woman - so i'd concentrate on just getting out of the wedding - hence the suggestion about doing it via email.

good luck.

IrishEyes19

OS119 wrote: »

i doubt there is a 'good' way to tell the bride that you are pulling out - any course of action you take or form of words/excuse you use is going to have consequences for your relationship with her.

the decent thing would be for you to speak to her face to face, the effective thing would be to send an email.

i wouldn't get worried about 'letting her down' - a) she didn't listen to your objections first time around, and b) from what you say she's got others willing to jump into your shoes.

given (sexist mode on) how most/some women are about weddings, i'd suggest that you accept that pulling out will end your friendship with this woman - so i'd concentrate on just getting out of the wedding - hence the suggestion about doing it via email.

good luck.

I really wouldnt do it by email, its disrepectful regardless of who it is and since she asked you to be bridesmaid she obviously regards you as a friend.

To be honest it doesnt sound like your heart is in it at all, regardless of financial and time committments, theres a way around things, and it was a friend of mine Id be excited to be involved regardless if she had chosen me.
However how to get out of this is your main issue. You will probably upset your friend, thats going to be a tough one, but its best to do it face to face and soon, as it may be ten months away, but thats little time in terms of wedding planning depending on her plans. best of luck

nicechick!

Surely one or two days out of your usual schedule is a small price to pay for the celebration of your friends forthcoming marriage! I'm not saying you have to bend over backwards for her either but she obviously thinks very highly of you and wants you involved in her day. Your friends surely you'd hang out socialize and spend time together as is now so a few days dress shopping isn't going to hurt is it.

If you tell her this she will fall out with you I would take it as a personal insult if someone refused then again

The Princess Bride

Hi OP.
Just wondering whether or not you would have wanted to be bridesmaid if the financial/travel issues were different?If no,then you'll have to tell her now that you want out.

I gather from your post that there are 2 other bridesmaids?
Have you considered getting your friend to delegate different jobs to each of you- you seem to feel you'll have it all to organise on your own- surely it would be easier for each of you to have your list of things to do.
You know your friend- we can't judge how demanding she might be- but it is her day,and the least you can do is be upfront with her.

The Big Red Button

Surely you'd be spending the money on the hen party etc anyways?

LegacyUser

We arn't close, See her maybe 3 times a year max.... But I do see how it could be very hurtful and I really dont want to do that.

I realise its selfish, I just hate weddings and hens with a passion!! She couldnt have picked a worse person could she...the poor girl. I suppose I have known all along how hurtful it would be to pull out so thats why I haven't.

Looks like I'll just have to grit my teeth,try avoid as much of the dressing up fairytale crap as I can, Put a smile on my face, give her a nice gift and then send myself off to recover on a holiday in August when its all over

Thanks for taking the time to reply guys. Appreciate it.

Chinafoot

chatterpillar wrote: »

Surely you'd be spending the money on the hen party etc anyways?

Thought that myself. Same with the engagement party. I don't get why the once off party of a good friend to celebrate something wonderful is such a hardship for you OP. So you had to drive 1.5/2hrs? So what?


Do you have any experience with weddings OP? What exactly is it that you think is going to be required of you? Dress fittings are not going to happen every weekend for the next 10 months. Far from it. For my sister's wedding our bridesmaid dresses were being made for us and that only required 2 visits. If the bride here decides to buy the bridesmaids dresses you will be needed once - when they are actually being picked.

Similarly, unless the bride is having her dress handmade, she will not need to have fittings every weekend. Most brides prefer to have their mam/sisters/very close friends with them when they pick their dress. You don't sound like you are any of those things.

In my experience, bridesmaids are there for the hen party organisation and then on the day. You will not be scrambling around booking flowers, invitation stationery, venues... The bride and groom do all of that themselves. Also, if there is an appointed "chief bridesmaid" or "maid of honour" they would be the one that does most of the hen organising. You'll most likely be asked to help but, with the exception of actually going to wherever it is being held, organisation of the fun and games would more than likely involve phonecalls and nothing more.

I don't see how your boyfriend has come to the "bridezilla" conclusion. You agreed to do something for a friend. If you start with "oooh but I'm soooo busy" when there isn't really all that much being asked of you, then yeah, you're not going to get a particularly pleasant response.

To be perfectly frank OP, your entire post reeks of the "me me me's" and just you sound like you simply don't want to do it. If that is the case then don't. Tell her that you shouldn't have agreed to it but do it face to face and be prepared for the upset that this will bring her. As I said before, she obviously considers you to be a very good friend so this will most likely hurt her a lot. Particularly when its been 6 weeks since you initially agreed.

Firetrap

I agree with Chinafoot. You sound like you're blowing this all up into a far bigger deal than it actually is. Despite your best efforts to deny it, you also sound incredibly selfish. Yes, weddings are ridiculously expensive but when it's a good friend or a family member, you grin and bear it. Is spending the money and taking a day off work really that much of a sacrifice that you're prepared to jeopardise friendships? Make no mistake about it, now that word is out that you are bridesmaid, your backing out of it is almost guaranteed to cause rows.

Ham Sambo

I will have to agree with some of the posters in here. to be honest if thats the way you treat your friends then I would not like to be your enemy.

kylith

Actually, OP, I agree with you. This bride isn't listening to you when you say that you can't do that. I don't think that it's acceptable to ask someone to repeatedly travel long distances and pay money that they can't necessarily afford for your wedding. It's your wedding after all. It may be the most important day of your life, but it's just another wedding to anyone not in your immediate family.

I'm sorry OP, but if the bride is that bad then there may be no way out without irreperably damaging your relationship, especially if she's already bought the dresses. Is there a 3rd party who'd be able to mediate for you? Don't forget to stress how much you'd love to be part of the wedding, but that you just don't feel that you can guarantee that you can devote the time necessary.

I am a friend

You should have been clear with her day 1 and no point complaining she didn't listen - you can't have been clear enough.

ash23

I was bridesmaid at the start of the year for someone who lives 2 hours from me. Main things were I had to go down two weekends for dress fittings, I had to arrange the hen party (which was all done by email and phone) and I was there the day before the wedding to help with some last minute bits and pieces. Oh and of course I was at the other end of the phone to talk wedding invites, favours, dramas etc.

No major inconveniece. I mean, it wasn't easy but it wasn't the big drama you're making of it either.

You're home every second weekend anyway so it won't kill you to spend one of those days doing wedding stuff.
Essentially, if you don't want to do it, don't.
But don't expect your friendship to last.

solovely

ash23 wrote: »

I was bridesmaid at the start of the year for someone who lives 2 hours from me. Main things were I had to go down two weekends for dress fittings, I had to arrange the hen party (which was all done by email and phone) and I was there the day before the wedding to help with some last minute bits and pieces. Oh and of course I was at the other end of the phone to talk wedding invites, favours, dramas etc.

No major inconveniece. I mean, it wasn't easy but it wasn't the big drama you're making of it either.

You're home every second weekend anyway so it won't kill you to spend one of those days doing wedding stuff.
Essentially, if you don't want to do it, don't.
But don't expect your friendship to last.

+1 on this. I really don't see what the big deal is. It should be an honour.

Why does it seem like such an inconvenience to you? Are you jealous? Or really shy?

I was bridesmaid, I'm single, not into all the fuss and fluff, but loved it and made the most of it. You can get an involved or uninvolved as you like. If there's 2 other bridesmaids who are keen, it sounds like they would be happy to do all the fussing and gushing, so all you really need to do is spend one afternoon dress shopping, turn up to one fitting after, and have great fun on the day. The hen and all that you would be going to anyway.

You have three options -
1) think about yourself (i.e. be selfish) and say no, put up with the fallout and potentially lose a good friend
2) suck it up for your friend, hating every minute and being resentful and bitter
3) actually make a conscious effort to get involved and enjoy it, not for your friend's sake but for your own sake. It's not that hard, you just need to change your attitude and look at the positives instead of the negatives!

iguana

Why not call her up and tell her you need to talk. (Preferably face to face but on the phone if absolutely necessary.) Then tell her that you are honoured that she chose you and would absolutely love to be her bridesmaid but that between your work and long-distance relationship you do not have time to do many of the extra things associated with being a bridesmaid like party organising and special days out. That you will still be her bridesmaid if possible but if she needs someone to do more than the very bare minimum you understand if she wants to choose someone else.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Chinafoot,to explain, I have alot of experience of weddings. Attended 8 in the past 18 months. Two of which I was bridesmaid at. I probably didnt explain properly, I have no hassle attending a few days of dress shopping etc. The usual type of thing thats required, I admit I personally am not a lover of weddings but I believe in making the best of it for the brides sake. Usually!! But this bride is very different. I got an email yesterday which prompted my post. She had a calender made out of seven weekends between here and Xmas to which included Four wedding events my compulsory attendence required!! Three days out viewing places to take photographs with her. Other days of Dress shopping and then going to look at various bands then in the evenings. I dont mind doing the usual stuff but I just really dont have the time to partake that heavily in the planning.

Chatterpillar, I dont usually go to Hen Parties. I usually do something for the Hen like pay for a cocktail makin session for everyone though just to do something nice for the bride to be. Im a bit shy in those occasions. Now I would go for her sake and make the effort, Its just I do think €275 plus three days spending money is a bit expenive. This probably is only highlighted because the venues is 110pps(so 220 for me &OH) to stay at for the night of the wedding and I agreed to pay for my own dress/shoes etc as I would have to buy a dress on the occasion anyway and She mentioned she wanted us all to pay for our own. I dont mind doing that as I do believe I would have being buyin an outfit anyways, But now it is looking like it will cost me close to 1500 to attend the wedding/hen etc and really this will push me to the limit.

I know i come across as selfish and I dont want to hurt her, I really dont. Thanks for the advice amdublin and iguana and the rest of you. I think I will try call to see her this weekend to talk it over face to face. It is definately the most respectful and honest way to deal with it and explain while I would love to do as much as I can I just wont be able to partake in all the events she hopes and leave it to her if she would like to ask someone else then.

I appreciate the time taken to reply folks, even for the harsher ones

solovely

guestoct2011 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Chinafoot,to explain, I have alot of experience of weddings. Attended 8 in the past 18 months. Two of which I was bridesmaid at. I probably didnt explain properly, I have no hassle attending a few days of dress shopping etc. The usual type of thing thats required, I admit I personally am not a lover of weddings but I believe in making the best of it for the brides sake. Usually!! But this bride is very different. I got an email yesterday which prompted my post. She had a calender made out of seven weekends between here and Xmas to which included Four wedding events my compulsory attendence required!! Three days out viewing places to take photographs with her. Other days of Dress shopping and then going to look at various bands then in the evenings. I dont mind doing the usual stuff but I just really dont have the time to partake that heavily in the planning.

Chatterpillar, I dont usually go to Hen Parties. I usually do something for the Hen like pay for a cocktail makin session for everyone though just to do something nice for the bride to be. Im a bit shy in those occasions. Now I would go for her sake and make the effort, Its just I do think €275 plus three days spending money is a bit expenive. This probably is only highlighted because the venues is 110pps(so 220 for me &OH) to stay at for the night of the wedding and I agreed to pay for my own dress/shoes etc as I would have to buy a dress on the occasion anyway and She mentioned she wanted us all to pay for our own. I dont mind doing that as I do believe I would have being buyin an outfit anyways, But now it is looking like it will cost me close to 1500 to attend the wedding/hen etc and really this will push me to the limit.

I know i come across as selfish and I dont want to hurt her, I really dont. Thanks for the advice amdublin and iguana and the rest of you. I think I will try call to see her this weekend to talk it over face to face. It is definately the most respectful and honest way to deal with it and explain while I would love to do as much as I can I just wont be able to partake in all the events she hopes and leave it to her if she would like to ask someone else then.

I appreciate the time taken to reply folks, even for the harsher ones

OK, that puts a total different spin on things, and I'm sorry if my earlier post was a bit harsh. Had you explained fully I don't think people would have been so harsh.

Your friend sounds totally self absorbed and selfish and the makings of a bridezilla. To expect you to pay for your own dress, shoes, hotel room, etc. is ridiculous!!! You are doing her the honour of being her bridesmaid, remember that! And to expect you to take 4 out of 7 weekends out to do wedding stuff is also extremely selfish.

Have you spoken to the other bridesmaids about this? What's the POV?

It's a really tough one, it sounds like she has no idea that she is being unreasonable. Is there anyone in the middle who can have a quiet word in her ear? If the other bridesmaids also think it's unacceptable, maybe you can all have a word together?

It sounds like you were too easy on her offering to buy your own dress and all that in the first place. I think Iguana's suggestion is a good one - arrange to meet up with her, tell her that you are honoured, and that you would still like to be bridesmaid, but that you don't have the time or money to make all the commitments she is demanding and will understand if she changes her mind.

As for the money thing - as bridesmaids, should you not decide where the hen is and how much it will cost? Can you not point out, how, in the current climate, €275 for a hen is unreasonable? My friends hen, that I organised last year, cost €130 for 2 nights accommodation, an activity centre day out and a full meal out, and was brilliant!! Go to her with a solution maybe, instead of a problem.

Also, for the night in the hotel, if she is not offering to pay for you to stay, then tell her you are staying in the B&B down the road. She can't expect you to fork out that kind of money. You wouldn't spend that if you weren't bridesmaid. Wear a pair of shoes you already own. I would really hope she is paying for your hair and makeup, but if she doesn't offer, tell her you are doing them yourself. And for God's sake, get her to pay for the dress. It's her wedding after all!!

You need to nip this in the bud, before she turns into a right bridezilla altogether!!

LegacyUser

hey op, i've been there on the wanting to back out of being bridesmaid thing. after the first dress trying on session i knew i wouldn't be up to it. i had medical issues, i was sufferring from depression, just started councelling which was really really stressful and difficult, plus i just didn't have the money.

when i met up with the bride to tell her that i just wasn't able to be her bridesmaid but i'd still help her in absolutely any way i could, it was like she was incapable of actually listening to what i was saying, the only thing she did say was ''sher i'll give you a bell in a few days when you've changed your mind''

so the next few months i was still sending her links and stuff to things i knew she was looking for, offered to host the invitation-making which was the arrangement before i backed out - and what do you know - in all those months she never once bothered to pick up the phone or send an e-mail or anything else with the words 'HOW ARE YOU' in it, she just blanked me out basically.

so i'm totally on your side - tell her, be calm, but be strong. and try not to let it ruin your friendship like it did mine :-(

Chinafoot

solovely wrote: »

Had you explained fully I don't think people would have been so harsh.

This tbh.

OP, how on earth did you expect to get proper advice when you provided none of those details? Your initial post comes across as "My time is too important to waste on this rubbish" because you did not give any information about what the bride was expecting of you. People weren't being 'harsh' they were simply responding to the information that you provided.

Now, beyond that, I would do what iguana has suggested and sit her down and explain that you dont have the time or money for all of her plans and that you would be happy to hand over the bridesmaid duties to someone who has the time and cash to spare if thats what the bride would prefer. However, do not do what you did at the start which was make some half-assed attempt to get her to ask someone else. You can't "mildly" suggest she look elsewhere, you need to be straight with her about how much you can and can't commit to.

LegacyUser

I have also been on the receiving end of a bridezilla (and im her sister- there was no escape!). Best advice I can give you is to ask yourself: would she do it for you?

If she's the kind of friend who would bend over backwards for you and if you were getting married, sacrifice that much of her time, maybe consider going ahead with it. Maybe she just loves the templates in Word and got a bit overenthusiastic with her wedding planner. Maybe she is the type you can negotiate your time with, particularly if there is another bridesmaid who in all fairness sounds like this kind of thing is right up her alley.

TBH she does not come across as this kind of person.

If not: its not worth it, get out while you still have your sanity! Its all me , me , me- this is MY day and the way I want it. and if you ask for help with yours well SHE'S pregnant and could possibly WASTE her time doing silly things for you- after all its only a wedding....

Gosh I dont sound bitter in the slightest!