Messed up with men

chickpea82

I am not sure where to begin. I have alot of personal issues at the moment that are making me feel depressed. But the main one is how I act with guys/men. I am 29 years old. Have had three serious relationships. The last one ended 2 years ago but I don't feel I have quite moved on from it. If I am honest I still love them all, I am a believer that once you love someone you love them forever.

Problem was they all treated me pretty badly. Awful infact. Im embarrassed with what I put up with. They were funny, outgoing guys but not boyfriend material and I think that is the only guy I seem to be attracted to. All my life I have f*ucked up the relationships with nice guys. Nice guys have asked me out, or liked me and I just can't be attracted to them. The term 'nice guy' isn't right either, as it implies too soft or something but I suppose I mean someone normal who will treat me in a nice way. I just keep going back to the bad ones, my most recent ex made me miserable. So miserable and yet at times so happy and nobody seems as fun as him to me as we had such a laugh when things werent bad.

I get alot of attentionfrom guys I suppose, so that is not a problem and get asked out the odd time. I am sort of seeing this guy, very early days but it is like going through the motions, and though I think he is great and really seems keen but I just don't feel it, I know it is only a matter of a week or so before I end it with him.

It's not like I am not trying either, I have gone out with a few guys for a few months at a time over the last few years but still felt cold towards them. I can have fun but need to have drink or two with them to find them attractive. And they were attractive guys. I find I am only interested in them on the first date or two. Sometimes I feel dead inside and just want to get away from them.

I know this sounds so immature and basic but I am posting because I don't understand what is wrong with me. I do fancy some guys btw and they are the ones who don't text back or want to see me again, surprise surprise!

I met my ex recently and he said he still loves me and compares every girl to me but isn't ready to get back together. I wasn't asking him to we just met as mates. I don't want to get back with him because I want to break the habit anyway. I should probably admit that I asked him back for sex and we did and it was great. I hadn't had sex in about 8 months and really wanted it. I did cry after which is stupid and embarrassing as it was my fault, then he kind of did too which made it less embarrassing and then he left and that was it. I don't regret it but I just feel so frustrated at why I am like this.

Twice recently I have picked up a guy and gone back to his without any of my mates knowing. I didn't sleep with them but I was drunk and just wanted to be next to someone. I just felt numb in the morning though, then I left and didn't text them back when I heard from them. Pretty much all my mates are settled down or seeing someone at the moment. I have been like this since my teens.

I did have a terrible relationship with my dad. I loved him and he loved me but he also was mentally and physically abusive and hit and pushed me around alot when he was angry. Probably only stopped when I turned 18 and moved out. He has died now and I know if I went to counselling they might say that is why I am like this but I feel ok about it tbh. If I think about that for too long it upsets me but I am bubbly and have plenty of friends and a job and from the outside nobody would have a clue I am so messed up about men. My mother has also moved away and I know these could all be alarm bells as to why I act like this. But I feel ok day to day if I am honest. A bit low I suppose but I don't think my life is harder than alot of peoples.

A few guys have said to me over the years that I am like the guy in the relationship but then when I do really like I guy I know inside I border on needy and feel very insecure about myself in the relationship.

I just really want to be loved and treated nicely and wish I could let someone do that. I don't hate men, I love them and really want a nice boyfriend, just begining to think I will never experience it. I am sorry I don't even know what this post is about, sorry it's so long...

beks101

Hi OP. I really feel for you. I could relate to a lot of your post

chickpea82 wrote: »

I did have a terrible relationship with my dad. I loved him and he loved me but he also was mentally and physically abusive and hit and pushed me around alot when he was angry.

This really stood out to me. In fact, as I was reading your post I was thinking, 'what sort of relationship does this woman have with her Dad?' and then I scrolled down and read this.

I know it's the obvious response, and sort of psychology 101, but I do really feel like the unresolved issues with your father have affected your view, attitude and experiences with men.

I realized the same in myself recently. Now my Dad is a gem, I love him to bits, but he's not the most emotionally expressive, and all my life I grew up - knowing he loved me - but with this sort of emotional unavailability that I've played out in my own relationships over the years. I had quite a female-dominated childhood and don't think I ever got comfortable expressing my feelings around the opposite sex (platonic friendships aside). So I'd fall hook, line and sinker for the kind of hot-and-cold guy who I always had to second guess, who would keep me on the edge of my seat wondering what was going to happen next in the relationship, would he get bored and stop calling? Would he cheat? I'd write it down to 'butterflies' and 'adrenaline' but really it was someone getting away with selfish, disrespective behaviour because I was allowing it. Plus it kept me from ever really opening up. So it was really a self protective thing.

It sounds like you have boundary issues as a result of your relationship with your father. I'm no psychologist, so not exactly qualified to say any of this, but my take on it is that you're playing out the relationship you had with him, with the guys you end up in relationships with - because you grew up where that drama was the norm. The abuse, treating you like crap, keeping you guessing, coupled with the charisma of their personalities...it probably gave you enough 'butterflies' to feel like love, but someone who truly loved you wouldn't treat you like that. Someone who really loved you would care about your well-being and would want to protect you from that.

I don't really know what advice to give you, other than to say if you can start seeing a professional about these relationship issues, it's probably a good idea. You have a lot to talk about, some deep-rooted issues to sieve through and the process of simply saying it out loud and being listened to could be very beneficial for you.

The one thing I will say though - please, please cut all contact with these exes. Read over your post again if you're unsure as to why. I read it and I saw someone who's a bit lost, someone who wants to change but is unsure how. Continuing contact with the very type of men you want to stop falling for - and what's more, having sex with them - is a step backwards, not forwards here. It's going to keep you stuck in a pattern that is very self-destructive and it's going to impede your efforts to meet someone who is actually good for you.

It might also be an idea to give dating a break for a while. How would you feel about taking six months off dating and just focusing on yourself? Getting your head to a healthier place? Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward - instead of falling into the same pattern or wasting time with 'nice' guys you're not attracted to - spend that time figuring out who you are and what you want. Work on your self esteem, take up a new hobby, travel, run a marathon, start writing, do some charity work...just do something that helps you to re-define yourself and your sense of self-worth without involving your relationship with the opposite sex.

The best of luck OP. I know it's a lot to grapple with, but you can change, with a bit of hard work, and you deserve to meet someone who really loves, respects and appreciates you - and brings a lot more to the table than the abuse and drama your exes had to offer. Don't settle for any less from now on!

Tricia1

If you're initially going on dates with guys, but you're only giving them a week or so before you end it..then how are you giving a potential partner a chance?

It always amazes me the amount of girls who get involved with guys who treat them badly, then wonder why they haven't met anybody (as your post is alluding to).

Avoid guys who treat you badly like the plague (bad boys etc, call them what you will).

First off you need to be giving guys a chance- whatever you're initially feeling (a week or so isn't giving them a chance).

It's a no-brainer, you need to meet a genuine bloke not an asshole.

Wompa1

You sound pretty troubled. Don't understand what the lure of a bad guy is to be honest. A lot of girls seem to go for them...I've read something before that said bad boys give off a more macho wave and primitive instinct means women would be attracted as they appear to be alpha males and could protect them...even though societal changes mean that these supposed bad boys tend to be the weaker of the group in actuality. Life doesn't rely on bashing things on the head and giving the kill to your woman...

Anyway, I bet if you gave the nice guys a chance you'd find things you love about them..and as you notice these things it will be a snow ball affect, you'll start to see more and more you like and compare to your old relationships and think how much better that guy is and you'll probably love the nice guy more than you've ever loved anybody else. Or at least that's how I see it in my romantic head. I hope you give the right guy a chance. Good luck

chickpea82

Thanks for taking the time with your long reply beks101. It is strange reading back over my post today as it does sound so messed up which is upsetting, never thought I would be like this. Sometimes I feel that way and sometimes I don't.

You are so right about the dad thing. It's surely mainly got to be about the dad thing. Also I never had much other male influence in my life, only one Uncle in a different country, we didn't have people over often growing up as there were alway arguments in the house etc. Though I do have alot of male friends now so I hope I can work on it. I think it would be good to talk to someone about it I suppose. I have considered therapy but have only gone so far as to look up a number but not call.

I do keep meaning to take a break from dating though. Though that guy has been texting me tonight and I feel like I should give him a chance.

Tricia1 and Wompa1 I don't know if it's actually a 'bad' guy I purposely go after but maybe more the non-commital attitude or the distratcted nature or something that seems less confronting and easier for me to handle. Also what becks101 said about the hot/cold/drama thing makes sense too...

chickpea82

Thanks for taking the time with your long reply beks101. It is strange reading back over my post today as it does sound so messed up which is upsetting, never thought I would be like this. Sometimes I feel that way and sometimes I don't.

You are so right about the dad thing. It's surely mainly got to be about the dad thing. Also I never had much other male influence in my life, only one Uncle in a different country, we didn't have people over often growing up as there were alway arguments in the house etc. Though I do have alot of male friends now so I hope I can work on it. I think it would be good to talk to someone about it I suppose. I have considered therapy but have only gone so far as to look up a number but not call.

I do keep meaning to take a break from dating though. Though that guy has been texting me tonight and I feel like I should give him a chance.

Tricia1 and Wompa1 I don't know if it's actually a 'bad' guy I purposely go after but maybe more the non-commital attitude or the distratcted nature or something that seems less confronting and easier for me to handle. Also what becks101 said about the hot/cold/drama thing makes sense too...

G-Money

I agree with a previous poster, you have to give these guys more than a week to see if anything is there. I'm going to assume you give the bad guys much more time than that, so you're shooting yourself in the foot by dismissing "nice guys" so quickly.

I don't really see the attraction women have to them. Nine times out of ten they get treated badly but it's hard to have sympathy for them when they know what they're getting themselves into. In fact, I actually don't have any sympathy for people in those situations.

Sorry to hear about what else happened. I don't know if you need to speak to a professional or something, but it might be something to keep in mind.

seenitall

I wish some people who are "trying to help" would actually start by READING the OP, insead of inventing one as they go along and jumping on some band-wagon of "only a week :eek: of giving a nice guy a chance!", which exists solely in their heads.

We don't know how long the OP has been dating the current guy ("early days" could be a few weeks) but we know this:

chickpea82 wrote: »

It's not like I am not trying either, I have gone out with a few guys for a few months at a time over the last few years but still felt cold towards them.

which is more than fair IMO, don't you think? I can't even imagine myself going out for months on end with someone I am not attracted to, it would be pure torture, so - fair play to you for trying, OP.

Things are just NOT as simple as "snap out of it, choose a nice guy instead", and I don't think that any responses to that effect are very helpful to the OP. We sometimes (most times, probably) can't control who we are attracted to. The reason the OP is on here asking for advice is because she knows she tends to be attracted to the wrong type and wants to change, but is finding it difficult. Is that so hard to understand? Apparently it is.

I second the whole of beks's post, OP, she obviously knows what she is talking about. Especially about taking some time out for yourself at this point, I think it is vital for you to clear your head and find your feet in a period of singledom, instead of just going around in circles with unsuitable men or putting yourself through the misery of dating the guys you aren't attracted to. I would also go for some counselling if I were you, but definitely take some time out of the dating game to learn to care about yourself, and the pattern of attraction may just begin to change.

chickpea82

Thanks seenitall. I have given it a try in the past alright. I do think it is a good idea to be on my own for a while.

LegacyUser

This is definitely related to your problems with your father. I would second seenitall's advice, and take some time to be alone. And while you're doing that, see a counselor so you can begin to sort out your issues with your father, so that you stop responding to undesirable behavior with feelings of desire and affection.