Finished LTR and am heartbroken

LegacyUser

I ended things with my partner of eleven years in July. I love him dearly and still very attracted to him but I felt like I was trying all the time and trying hard and getting nowhere. We were having some problems and he refused to discuss them. He seemed to be so unhappy being with me and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't find out why, he wouldn't talk to me about any of it. He'd seem happy and flirtatious and considerate to me when we were around others but I felt cold shouldered when it was just the two of us. He stopped smiling at me or seeming to enjoy my company and was making me feel really rejected so I ended it. He wasn't out partying or spending time away from home but he seemed to be constantly irritated with me or barely noticing me, wasn't willing to have a conversation with me about anything, no "how was your day" and if I did get that it was with a resigned sigh as if someone was forcing him into it and I felt hurt and rejected and unconfident in myself.

I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for but I'm sitting here now with a broken heart thinking it all over and questioning whether I could have done things differently and trying to figure out how I ended up in this situation. I feel a lot less stressed now that we're apart but I feel so lonely and can't stop thinking about the past, the good times, and the future I thought we'd have. I don't think I made my decision in a right mind, I was so upset and unhappy and confused and hurt that I reacted and now wonder whether I did the right thing. Reading over this now I know it will seem like he was just cowardly about finishing things with me but I don't think that's it, he pleaded with me not to leave but I did because I felt like I was getting treated like a doormat. He was behaving like a child when I tried talking to him about our problems, he would get cranky or just end the conversation by making excuses to not to talk about it now because it was too early / late, he was too busy / hungry / tired and then there would be tension between us.

Ive moved out, I'm in a place by myself because all my other friends are married and I feel too old to go back to my parents or to the days of housesharing and with the winter closing in on me Im feeling really low and missing him terribly sitting in by myself in the evenings. I feel like i can't even watch tv because all the shows are stuff we used to watch together and it makes me miss him so much I just cry and cry. I'm scared if I ask him back that I will end up in the same situation with him again. We met for a drink last Wednesday and it was a little awkward but also good to see him, he told me that his job wanted to send him off on a contract for six weeks and I felt gutted that he would be away even though I hadnt seen him in about that time anyway. I'm scared the contract will end up being permanent and he won't come back. It also feels really strange that he'll be somewhere else getting on with his life and Ill be here.

My friends and family are trying their best to help me through all this but even being with them reminds me of him, we were such a big part of each other lives all of our friends are mutual and I'm so used to having him around with my family it feels sad to see them without him there too. My grandad adored him and is gone a bit dotty and everytime i see him he asks where he is "Wheres X? Is he parking the car? If he's not here soon he's gonna miss the kickoff" my poor old grandad, he doesn't understand but it's like a knife in my heart everytime he mentions him and god forgive me I snapped at him over the wknd "hes gone grandad, stop talking about him" because I felt so miserable and sad. Im missing his family too, we'd always have them for dinner during the week and hang out with them at the weekend, I sit in my new place now thinking about the busy bustling family dinners but I'm not there with them. I feel like my whole life has fallen apart, I see his face everytime I close my eyes, think I see him on the street a hundred times a day. The weekends are the worst, I miss cooking breakfast together and reading the papers and deciding what we'll do for the day. Now I just lie in bed crying on a bad day or on a good day lazing on my parents couch while they tiptoe around me trying not to mention the elephant who isn't in the room.

I feel like my friends and family must think I'm a complete failure, my sister is four years younger than me and getting married next month. I'm delighted for her but I feel like it makes me even more of a failure and a disappointment to my family. I'm dreading the big day, dreading seeing all the extended family and friends, of being there without him and people asking where he is or even just "And how are YOU doing?" which i know is meant to be supportive but just sends me into a blubbering hysteria. I prefer to be in work because at least it distracts me. Only good thing is ill probably get a promotion I'm spending so much time in there because I don't want to face coming back to my lonely place without him in it. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I know I'm depressed but I also know it's a process and I'll come out of it. Despite all this when I finished it with him he pleaded with me not to go but something stopped me from saying Id stay and I don't know what that was.

I hope some of you can give me some perspective because I can't seem to find mine at the moment.

Kadongy

I think you're incorrect about him wanting to break up with you. It sounds like he had some sort of bad feeling towards you. Maybe you were spending too much time together.

How are you at hearing things you dont want to hear? Do you tend to get very upset, or reactionary? He might have felt unable to tell you what was up for fear of your reaction if so.

I think it would be a good idea to talk to him about it. Sometimes having space for a while can really improve communication. It sounds like your problems were with communiation really. I think it would be a good idea to consider if you are easy to talk to about emotive issues.

I am a friend

OP from what you describe you were very lonely IN the relationship and this is just a different type of loneliness tbh...

It does get easier though. Has he been in touch since the break up. If so, has he made any comments about changing or did he want to talk about the issues?

Wompa1

I think you just have to put up with the misery for a while. It sounds by all accounts that he was burnt out with the relationship and if he hasn't done everything to try and get you back then I'd imagine it's because he just doesn't want to. Sorry.

If there's things you didn't like about him, I'd focus on those whenever he enters your mind. Makes it easier.

Miss Fluff

I am a friend wrote: »

OP from what you describe you were very lonely IN the relationship and this is just a different type of loneliness tbh...

Totally agree. OP you grieved for the relationship while still in it and now you're out the other side there's an entirely new grieving process to go through all over again. You spent 11 years of your life with this man so recovery will not come overnight. You will get a little bit stronger with each day that passes.

May I ask how regularly you are in touch with your ex? You say you saw him recently but do you talk regularly on the phone or by email?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

You could be describing my situation word for word! Poor thing I know exactly how you are feeling.

But you are doing the right thing, I am sure it was not a light decision to walk away, you have to think of WHY you did it.

The only thing I can say to you is stick with it!

My ex is going away soon, and as hard as I am finding it, I think deep down it will be best for me to have breathing space without contact to get over him.

Yes it is lonely, but you seemed lonely and stressed in the relationship.

There's no point pining for something that clearly wasn't there. Try not to romantisise the situation, focus on the things that went wrong and you will know you are doing the right thing in the long term.

Cry if you have to, it's good to let it out.

I made the mistake of sleeping with my ex on occasion since we broke up in May and I now realise that was such a bad idea. It was toxic, and just caused pain over and over again.

The attraction thing, if you can try to visualise his personality that drove you nuts is beneath that, it's whats on the inside too that counts.

It is hard to lose a whole family too that have been part of your life, but they are HIS family so you need to let them go too.

It's not easy, good days and bad days, a bit manic I assume, but it will get better in time (I am sure of this even though the heartbreak is there) just hang in there!

Be strong! xx

LegacyUser

Kadongy wrote: »

I think you're incorrect about him wanting to break up with you. It sounds like he had some sort of bad feeling towards you. Maybe you were spending too much time together.

How are you at hearing things you dont want to hear? Do you tend to get very upset, or reactionary? He might have felt unable to tell you what was up for fear of your reaction if so.

I think it would be a good idea to talk to him about it. Sometimes having space for a while can really improve communication. It sounds like your problems were with communiation really. I think it would be a good idea to consider if you are easy to talk to about emotive issues.

I don't think we were spending too much time together, if anything probably less than usual due to the tension between us.

I hadn't really thought about how good or bad a reactionary I am, I generally think I am ok at talking about emotive issues, I;m not fantastic at it but I do find it easier than he does, he';s not good at opening up and talking about whats on his mind.

Miss Fluff - I'm not really in regular contact with him, in fact we've had virtually no contact except for the meet up last week.

At the moment I think that maybe I should chat to him briefly before he goes and suggest we both have a think about things while apart and see how we feel upon his return. Does this seem like a good or bad idea?

I am a friend

It seems like a bad idea. What is to be gained from it?

He hasn't cone back begging you to reconsider and promising to change, he is getting on with his life. I urge you to do the same.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

It seems like a bad idea. What is to be gained from it?

He hasn't cone back begging you to reconsider and promising to change, he is getting on with his life. I urge you to do the same.

True, but could that be his pride? If he had broke up with me I don't think I'd start begging him to get back with me, I'd want to retain some dignity and would think that the breaker would be the one to bring up the issue. Maybe I'm just desperately trying to cling on and not accepting the fact that it is over I feel very sad and depressed about the whole situation.

Miss Fluff

heartisshattered wrote: »

True, but could that be his pride? If he had broke up with me I don't think I'd start begging him to get back with me, I'd want to retain some dignity and would think that the breaker would be the one to bring up the issue. Maybe I'm just desperately trying to cling on and not accepting the fact that it is over I feel very sad and depressed about the whole situation.

You poor thing, I really feel for you.

I don't think him not begging to get back with you is pride unfortunately. He's probably just adjusting to it and processing it the way you are. Eleven years is a really long time to spend with someone.

I would however be concerned that he hasn't fought for a reconciliation but then maybe (and most probably) he knows that it wasn't working either and that a break up is best for both of you - so in the aftermath of it all he is showing strength by not calling you when he knows in his heart that the relationship is dead.

Like grief/bereavement, there are five stages in a breakup. The model delineates five stages in dissolution: Discovery of Dissatisfaction (D), Exposure (E), Negotiation (N), Resolution (R) and Transformation (T).

From what's you're describing you're now in negotiation stages - with yourself. It's so common. Where you bargain with yourself and you say to yourself "if I do this etc etc" and "maybe he really means this"......it will pass.

Right now you need to accept that this is over and process the pain of that. And in order to help you process this and really work through it you need to lean on your closest friends and family who will help you and give you the love and support that you need right now.

This too will pass hon but it's not going to happen overnight. Take care of yourself x