Family bullying

casman

I've been married for 2.5 yrs and we have a 1 year old daughter. All good - but I think I'm being bullied by my in-laws.

We had our daughters 1st birthday party today and naturally enough both our immediate families came. I didnt enjoy the day at all as I was dreading having to talk to my wifes brother & sister & their partners. I have had the feeling for a while now that theyre basically taking the piss out of me behind my back. Its about specific things I have done/said which they think are funny etc. They then set me up in conversation (when the others are there) by asking a leading question to get a response that confirms their opinion or by making a comment about the issue. They think its a 'perfect crime' as I as they think I dont know what theyre doing.

How I realised this is down to a number of factors. The sister is the main one behind it all I think. She regularly ridicules the brothers partner, and even her own mother,brother, husband, child and friends behind their backs - I have seen this first hand. So it would actually be strange for her not to be doing it to me. The sisters husband is a pretty willing accomplice - really charming at times (maybe to throw people off the scent) but can weigh in when the opportunity arises. There have been a number of incidents lately which have aroused my suspicions - particularly when issues are raised out of the blue and are accompanied by large grins. The same issues are repeatedly brought up also.

The brother and partner are just following the sisters lead I think as she is the most powerful one in the family. I 'd imagine she has conditioned them into her behaviour over time with repeated comments etc.

I dont have any real evidence other than intuition or gut feeling but when I put it all together I cant come to any other conclusion. The biggest part of the problem I have though is how much does my wife know about this behaviour and how do I even bring it up? To question her family's behaviour (and her behaviour) would be seen as a major insult. But I do wonder does my wife actually ridicule me behind my back too as it seems to be so ingrained with the rest of them.

Any ideas on how to tackle this problem?

leggo

This happens, to a much lesser degree, in my own extended family. One of my uncle's is quite contrary and set in his ways and, thus, gets a lot of playful jibes thrown his way and people would have a laugh about him behind his back. Nothing malicious, mind, all just jokes. It still makes me a bit uncomfortable, though. I mean, your family are the people who are supposed to support you no matter what, right?

Unfortunately, you add a bad egg or two into the equation (sounds like the sister you're referring to), and that suddenly goes sour.

You're perfectly entitled to bring it up with your wife, insult or not. I'd play dumb, though. Just ask in an innocent way and see if you can extract any knowledge she may have without having to press. It'll usually unravel from there one way or another.

However, what's more likely is that, as you say, this is just a culture that exists within the family. Your wife may not have the influence to say or do anything to change it...and even trying may cause more hassle than it's worth.

If possible, I'd try to shrug it off. I mean, these bitchy types usually attack because of their own weaknesses and insecurities. It sounds cliche but it's true: if they're trying to make you feel dumb or inadequate, it's because they feel it themselves and need to project that onto you. With that in mind, why would it matter if people with such low self-esteem look down on you? Let them. They have their own problems.

So if that IS the situation, it's unfortunate that you can't enjoy a better relationship with the in-laws but that's not your problem. It's theirs and they'll feel the consequences in other ways (e.g. not enjoying your company, not being fully trusted among their own friends who know full well what they're like, along with the obvious internal dissatisfaction that leads to this behaviour to begin with). Try to grin and bear it for the family occasions, enjoy them as much as you can knowing this all to be true, and if they're that unbearable take comfort in the fact they'll all be gone in the next few hours.

curlzy

Hey OP,

This is a tricky one. I really love my bf's family, they're all great so I can't really relate 100%. What I find funny is that you can't talk to your wife, surely you can talk to her about anything? So yeah have a chat with her and just say that you feel they are constantly sneering at you and does she know anything about it.

Best of luck.

p.s the sister does sound like a thundering bitch, very two faced.

username123

When they are playing the 'perfect crime' game accompanied by the grins why dont you say to them 'whats so funny, why is everyone grinning?'. Then they will be put on the spot and whoever you address it to wont be finding it so funny anymore when they have to explain it or cover it up.

I am a friend

Play them at their own game and do the same back to them.

username123

sunflower27 wrote: »

Play fire with fire would be my advice.

I agree with this to an extent, but some people are simply not good at manipulating conversations or coming up with quick retorts/put downs (the old 'if only Id thought of saying .......').

I had a difficult time with a sister in law a few years ago, she was making very b1tchy comments to me, embarrassing me, putting me on the spot etc... It went on for months before I did anything about it. She always said nasty things about other people behind their backs so I knew she was doing that about me too - I didnt really care about that though - the crazy ramblings of a fool and all that.

I simply stopped engaging with her. If she addressed me I either 'hmmmmed' non commitally, or simply ignored her outright. When she made comments designed to embarrass me I just said nothing but stared at her for an uncomfortably long time. I never sat near her unless no other choice, I didnt bother going to the family home if it was only going to be her and one other person, and I didnt even bother saying hello to her unless I had to.

She came to me months later and admitted she had been behaving badly - she had assumed something incorrect and blamed me where the real situation was completely different. She acknowledged that she had been wrong. I still dont like her but I am civil with her now.

Sooopie

leggo wrote: »

This happens, to a much lesser degree, in my own extended family. One of my uncle's is quite contrary and set in his ways and, thus, gets a lot of playful jibes thrown his way and people would have a laugh about him behind his back. Nothing malicious, mind, all just jokes. It still makes me a bit uncomfortable, though. I mean, your family are the people who are supposed to support you no matter what, right?

Unfortunately, you add a bad egg or two into the equation (sounds like the sister you're referring to), and that suddenly goes sour.

You're perfectly entitled to bring it up with your wife, insult or not. I'd play dumb, though. Just ask in an innocent way and see if you can extract any knowledge she may have without having to press. It'll usually unravel from there one way or another.

However, what's more likely is that, as you say, this is just a culture that exists within the family. Your wife may not have the influence to say or do anything to change it...and even trying may cause more hassle than it's worth.

If possible, I'd try to shrug it off. I mean, these bitchy types usually attack because of their own weaknesses and insecurities. It sounds cliche but it's true: if they're trying to make you feel dumb or inadequate, it's because they feel it themselves and need to project that onto you. With that in mind, why would it matter if people with such low self-esteem look down on you? Let them. They have their own problems.

So if that IS the situation, it's unfortunate that you can't enjoy a better relationship with the in-laws but that's not your problem. It's theirs and they'll feel the consequences in other ways (e.g. not enjoying your company, not being fully trusted among their own friends who know full well what they're like, along with the obvious internal dissatisfaction that leads to this behaviour to begin with). Try to grin and bear it for the family occasions, enjoy them as much as you can knowing this all to be true, and if they're that unbearable take comfort in the fact they'll all be gone in the next few hours.

Spot on!

casman

Thank you all for your comments - its helpful to hear different opinions and experiences. I think I will try get some more information through my wife - either directly or indirectly - to confirm what is happening.

The situation is not helped by the fact that this type of behaviour either seems to go over my wifes head or shes so used to it she sees nothing wrong with it - I'm not sure which, but she has never said she has noticed anything. Maybe her loyalty to her family stops her from acknowledging the reality of their behaviour. However, I would describe her as open, honest and trusting so maybe she genuinely doesnt see it or realise the harm it does. Maybe the others are doing it to her too when Im not around. Further investigation needed.

The next step would be to tackle the problem head on - I'd have to think long and hard about how to do this with the minimum fallout. I will no doubt have to see these people for the rest of my life so its a delicate situation.

Any more opinions / suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Taltos

Sooopie,

if you have not already done so please review our charter before posting.

Taltos

Morag

If she is ever in your home again and trys that rubbish, call her out on it.
Say that trying to make a mockery of you in your own home when they have been invited
is bad manner and abusing your hospitality.

Miss Fluff

Any time someone asks me a question I don't want to answer I always smile sweetly at them and say "why do you want to know that?"

Start doing that with the Ugly Sister. Every time she asks you a leading question, ask her why does she want to know.

username123

sunflower27 wrote: »

I like the idea of just looking at her until it became uncomfortable. Nice move.

Its actually amazing how easy it is to make someone uncomfortable doing this. I used to use a faint frown with it. Works a treat if you can be consistent and keep at it. The person wants to engage with you less and less because its just too unnerving.

OP - just on the subject of your wife not noticing whats going on. My husband didnt notice his sister treating me badly. The thing is, she is a mouth anyway, so when she mouthed at me nastily he just heard it as her 'normal' behaviour and didnt even realise it was upsetting to me.

The funny thing was, when she did admit she was wrong, she also admitted that she had been nasty to me deliberately for ages, and that she knew no one else was noticing - because theyre just used to her being nasty. So she knew. And it wasnt me just being over sensitive.

Just to give an example, I could absolutely never show up in their house or out somewhere without her commenting on my appearance - usually on my boobs. On one occasion I walked into a church for a christening and she shouted across the church 'I see youve got the big boys out again today' - at which point the 50 or so people in the church all stared at my chest. I mean, what do you say to that?

Another thing she liked to do was to act as though I was greedy at any kind of event where food was included. Snide remarks along the lines of 'can I have the gravy before username123 gets it, otherwise there will be none left - haha', or looking at my plate and saying 'are you gonna eat THAT much?'.

I can even see reading the above that any individual remark is not a big deal, but it was the consistency of it. It became that I was actually uncomfortable and on edge in her presence all the time just because I didnt know what she would roar at me next. I always felt like I was being put on the defensive.

I know exactly where the OP is coming from with the 'perfect crime' game - its just so childish and unnecessary - designed to make someone feel uncomfortable.

OP - definitely discuss it with your wife. Give her hard examples. Explain why its annoying you.

I like the idea of asking 'why do you want to know that' - it can easily be followed up with 'you seem very interested in my life - why?'.

Leitrim lass

These people sound so much like my family it's uncanny.
my family especially one brother and sister did this to me for years before I cut contact with them.
the best thing you can do here is next time they bring up the usual topic with waiting fixed grins on their faces say in a very amused manner "why do you always bring up this same topic and all wait there grinning every time?" and then shake your head laughing and rolling your eyes.
This is you showing them that you can be as passive aggressive as them if you choose.
No point pulling up passive aggressive people on their behavior as they will only deny it(the perfect crime) and you can't prove it.
So treat them as they treat you and they will lose satisfaction in their stupid behavior.
It's also telling them that you know exactly what they are doing and you are doing it right back to them. It the best way of telling them to get screwed without letting yourself down.

Neyite

:rolleyes: there is one in every family.

My OH has a great way to handle catty remarks, and I've stolen and used it to great effect:

when someone says something, he just steadily looks at them, and in a neutral tone of voice says "sorry, I didnt catch that" and keeps his eyes on them until they are forced to repeat it. If they repeat it, it lets others in earshot hear it again, and it shows it for what it is - a calculated barb. which he just replies "Oh, right" keeping the neutal tone, and almost disinterest (as if you couldnt care less). Or else they bluff it and say "oh nothing/its not important" and he just replies with "Oh, thats what I thought" He does it in such a way that only the person who made the comment recognises the very subtle warning tone - everyone else just thinks he didnt hear the first time. Keep the voice soft and light, with just enough of a "did you just say what I think you said ?" tone to it.

He used it with someone who has tested my patience for years the very first time she chanced her arm. She hasnt dared since

casman

So I brought it up with my wife. She reacted pretty much as I expected - defended her family to the hilt and when I gave her concrete examples she tried to explain away any that she could. Some she had no explanation for. She said her family do slag each other off etc but she sees nothing wrong with it and told me I'm paranoid.

Maybe she was so hurt by me saying this she wasnt going to let me away with it. Anyway she might realise whats going on now I've told her about it but I doubt she'll admit it to me. I'll wait for a while to see if she says anything else about it.

leggo

casman wrote: »

So I brought it up with my wife. She reacted pretty much as I expected - defended her family to the hilt and when I gave her concrete examples she tried to explain away any that she could. Some she had no explanation for. She said her family do slag each other off etc but she sees nothing wrong with it and told me I'm paranoid.

Maybe she was so hurt by me saying this she wasnt going to let me away with it. Anyway she might realise whats going on now I've told her about it but I doubt she'll admit it to me. I'll wait for a while to see if she says anything else about it.

Best bet mate wait til she sees it for herself and she'll look at it with a whole new perspective now you've said it.

jimmycrackcorm

casman wrote: »

So I brought it up with my wife. She reacted pretty much as I expected - defended her family to the hilt and when I gave her concrete examples she tried to explain away any that she could. Some she had no explanation for. She said her family do slag each other off etc but she sees nothing wrong with it and told me I'm paranoid.

Maybe she was so hurt by me saying this she wasnt going to let me away with it. Anyway she might realise whats going on now I've told her about it but I doubt she'll admit it to me. I'll wait for a while to see if she says anything else about it.

You probably need to push the issue on top of this. When you have got concrete examples of what they are doing tell her to let her family know that you are not going to tolerate this type of behaviour especially in your own home. It's a type of bullying that only can occur because isn't pulled up on.

shinikins

I agree with Jimmy to a certain extent, the bully need to have their head reined in a bit, but forcing the issue with your wife will not help, you'll just end up with an even bigger argument. She is going to defend her family, because that is what comes naturally to her-its human nature.

My eldest sister is a bully, she can be extremely vocal and cutting in her remarks, and she has gotten away with it as she was the eldest and people just got used to her "thats just the way she is" I suppose there is an element of "anything for a quiet life" there too, tbh. Things eventually came to a head between us a few years ago when I stood up to her, and we spent nearly two years being barely civil to each other-it took 30 years for me to gather the courage to do it though. That said, when I first introduced my BF to her, and she was highhanded with him, as is her wont, I instantly defended her-because she is my sister. I did realise afterwards that I had been incredibly unfair on him, and apologised, but my first reaction was "you can't say that about my family" Things are easier between us now, I think she has gained some respect for me, and living two hours away from her helps too!

I suppose what I am trying to say is OP, don't assume that your wife is taking sides. This is, I assume, the first time you've voiced your opinions to her, so let her digest what she has heard. If she does come back and starts a conversation about it, make it clear that you don't want to start any arguments but you won't stand for being treated badly in your own home.

I am a friend

I think it's appalling that your wife won't listen to you... She can't be totally blind to it all and should be at least listening up what you are saying

casman

Finally got my wife to listen to me about whats going on. She basically admitted that it does happen and she saw my point of view but was blinded by her loyalty to her family. So at least shes on side now and it actually feels less of a problem because of that.

Its now up to me to confront this behaviour and see what happens.

leggo

casman wrote: »

Finally got my wife to listen to me about whats going on. She basically admitted that it does happen and she saw my point of view but was blinded by her loyalty to her family. So at least shes on side now and it actually feels less of a problem because of that.

Its now up to me to confront this behaviour and see what happens.

Glad to hear. Though I'm sure that your wife acknowledging their wrongdoing is a great victory for you in itself. And, even if they continue to act the idiot, at least you'll know for sure now that you're not the one with the problem.

curlzy

That's good to hear Casman. Can I recommend that you google passive-aggressive and how to deal with it. I ended up living with a girl who was a poster girl for it. I mean seriously passive-aggressive to the extent whereby I still sometimes have the most beautiful dreams in which I'm punching her face into the back of her head, and I'm pacifist:D So yeah it definitely is the most infuriating, pathetic way to go on. I googled it and it really is as others have advised, be passive-aggressive back. Like when b*tchface asked me for the 9th time "what would you do if your bf cheated on you?" I turned around and said "what would you do if your bf got sick of your ****e and left you?" and then left the room, she didn't ask again. So yeah having stock answers like "pardon me?", or "why do you want to know?" can really work well. At the end of the day it's just a pathetic way to go on and the person doing it really is a sad act. You're not though so don't let it get you too down.

Best of luck.