Is everything ruined?

LegacyUser

Im so embarassed.

Long history with a guy who doesnt want a committed relationship with me, but would have settled for a physical one without the title. But thats not good enough for me. I respect his views but I value my own more. And he kept coming back wanting to be friends and I couldnt do it. Its been a rocky road, I do love him, he doesnt love me romantically obviously, or else commitment wouldnt be an issue for him. But I know he values our time together, we talk so much, chatting, laughing, spending time together, and so I get why he has begged me not to go. He said I was the only one who gets him and I truly get that, but it hurts so much not to be with him in a relationship so I have ended our "friendship" a number of times. Because I am too emotionally attached,

Im not blaming him for all of this hpwever, I am certainly to blame, although he has been an asshole for a lot of occasions, I know he cares about me in a different way, but I have always had the power to end it, and thats where the fault lies with me, I keep replying, keep ending it and then when he comes back, I reply, so that is my fault, but I know about will power, like anything, you can only do it when you really want to. the truth is I want to be free of this pain, but not lose him either and unless I stop talking to him, I wont be free. its a catch 22 so to speak.

But thats the background, this the main problem, as of last night. For the past month we got back in touch, there were a few sexual texts despite him saying he would never commit. and I addressed that and said the friends thing is over, the contact is over, he begged me back again and well he didnt comply and I replied and so the saga continued. as usual the last few days we were chatting, laughing getting on great as usual;

I was away for a bit, and came back, he knew I was around, I wasnt away long though and he had seen me a week or two before that, and he was fine towards me. so even though we had talked 2 days before and all week, I ran into him by accident and well he barely acknowledged me. Even though we had agreed to always be civil to each other, neither of us like those dramatics. well we ran into each again later, and I didnt see him but my friends saw him, and he saw me and apparently he was really nervous and awkward looking. Its hard to explain but he really dismissed me and I have never been like that, Im the person who when he was down would comfort him, talk him out of it and then he acts like that.

so the problem starts when that night I was upset, I text him later to say why had he acted so rude towards me, my friends were shocked by his actions, and that if he texted me after this, I would not reply,that it was truly over, that I really liked him and that never works in a friendship, but that I would never blank or be rude if I saw him out, that we're cool.

well I got an angry text back the next morn, saying how he had a crap day, that it wasnt me, and that sorry it hurt me, but the text wasnt sorry, it was just angry at me.

so I replied. Ok, I do understand.

and when I got home later, went online on fb, he went offline straight away.

so now we're apparently at odds and that sucks. I dont mean I wanted him to bring up chat, or text, but not to go offline or think Im a nutter. My text was a tad bit emotional and hurt but it was pent up feelings and now have I created an odd situation.

I cant even text to talk it out, because hes rubbish at it, he just cant deal with it, and gets really narky, and god I feel worse now than I did before. Any advice is appreciated. Its turned from just being so hurt, into something much bigger now, avoidance possibly? and I will add, Im not looking for a relationship here, I have accepted his views completely, truly I have. I love him, but its his choice. But breaking contact is hard enough, so him actually going offline and possibly leading to crossing roads if we meet out, is terrible.

I am a friend

He has no respect for you and is happy to treat you any way he sees fit. Why are you willing to let someone treat you like this?

Ickle Magoo

stupidgirl19 wrote: »

Im not blaming him for all of this hpwever, I am certainly to blame, although he has been an asshole for a lot of occasions, I know he cares about me in a different way, but I have always had the power to end it, and thats where the fault lies with me, I keep replying, keep ending it and then when he comes back, I reply, so that is my fault, but I know about will power, like anything, you can only do it when you really want to. the truth is I want to be free of this pain, but not lose him either and unless I stop talking to him, I wont be free. its a catch 22 so to speak.

You've really answered your own query OP!

I think you have to ask yourself other than holding out a vague hope that this guy is going to turn around and suddenly be a loving partner, why exactly do you keep torturing yourself wasting your time with someone who isn't interested in a relationship with you and doesn't even respect you enough as a friend to be civil to you? What's the point?

CarMe

Why don't you delete him from fb and delete his number? A real man wouldn't treat a dig like that. What can you be getting from this except your confidence chipped away at? You deserve so much more!

Miss Fluff

stupidgirl19 wrote: »

I cant even text to talk it out, because hes rubbish at it, he just cant deal with it, and gets really narky, and god I feel worse now than I did before. Any advice is appreciated. Its turned from just being so hurt, into something much bigger now, avoidance possibly? and I will add, Im not looking for a relationship here, I have accepted his views completely, truly I have. I love him, but its his choice. But breaking contact is hard enough, so him actually going offline and possibly leading to crossing roads if we meet out, is terrible.

You have to have to have to stop this. You're hankering after someone who quite clearly has no interest in you romantically. And you're clearly besotted. For your own self-esteem you need to cut contact.

And this:

But I know he values our time together, we talk so much, chatting, laughing, spending time together, and so I get why he has begged me not to go.

I don't think you get at all why he "begged" you not to go. tbh You really don't. For him you are an adoring girl who never says no and who he can have sex with whenever he likes without any commitment whatsoever. He begged you because you're a convenience to him. I'm afraid it's nothing more than this. You know I think having a FB can be a great arrangement if both parties have no interest in one another romantically. When one is clearly besotted though it's corrosive and damaging and invariably ends in tears.

Time to toughen up OP and cut contact. You're totally wasting your time.

CarMe

Miss Fluff wrote: »

stupidgirl19 wrote: »

I cant even text to talk it out, because hes rubbish at it, he just cant deal with it, and gets really narky, and god I feel worse now than I did before. Any advice is appreciated. Its turned from just being so hurt, into something much bigger now, avoidance possibly? and I will add, Im not looking for a relationship here, I have accepted his views completely, truly I have. I love him, but its his choice. But breaking contact is hard enough, so him actually going offline and possibly leading to crossing roads if we meet out, is terrible.

You have to have to have to stop this. You're hankering after someone who quite clearly has no interest in you romantically. And you're clearly besotted. For your own self-esteem you need to cut contact.

And this:

But I know he values our time together, we talk so much, chatting, laughing, spending time together, and so I get why he has begged me not to go.

I don't think you get at all why he "begged" you not to go. tbh You really don't. For him you are an adoring girl who never says no and who he can have sex with whenever he likes without any commitment whatsoever. He begged you because you're a convenience to him. I'm afraid it's nothing more than this. You know I think having a FB can be a great arrangement if both parties have no interest in one another romantically. When one is clearly besotted though it's corrosive and damaging and invariably ends in tears.

Time to toughen up OP and cut contact. You're totally wasting your time.

Excellent post, I couldn't agree more.

Ickle Magoo

CarMe wrote: »

Excellent post, I couldn't agree more.

We have a thanks button system to cover such eventualities (thumbs up on the right-hand lower corner of each post) which saves threads being cluttered with quoted posts just followed by agreements and +1's rather than any original advice.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

littlefriend

stupidgirl19 wrote: »

Im so embarassed.

and that if he texted me after this, I would not reply,that it was truly over, that I really liked him and that never works in a friendship, but that I would never blank or be rude if I saw him out, that we're cool.


and when I got home later, went online on fb, he went offline straight away.

Im not looking for a relationship here

You are looking for a relationship with him. You might as well admit that to yourself. If you weren't looking for that then there wouldn't be a problem.

Why did you want to talk to him on facebook when you had decided again and told him again that you couldn't be in contact with him anymore?

I've been in a similar situation to you and I used to get upset about things like this all the time. You need to make a clean break away from him - no fb, no texts, no anything. It'll be tough but if you want to feel better and move on thats what you need to do.

Also, why are you embarrassed?

seenitall

Hi OP,

I sure hope so!

Alas, however, I have this ominous feeling that your "friend" will be back in touch for his regular bit of ego boost before long, and that you will only fall over yourself to "patch things up" with him; and so your cycle of unhappiness will continue. Consequently, nothing will be ruined except for your self-respect and your opportunity to recognise a nice man when you meet one. I'm sorry, but that's exactly what your confused and self esteem-free post is suggesting to me.

I hope you can prove me wrong, OP. In any case, good luck with it all.

CarMe

Honestly, I would just totally cut him totally out of your life, from every medium available. He is not a friend I'm sorry.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You have to have to have to stop this. You're hankering after someone who quite clearly has no interest in you romantically. And you're clearly besotted. For your own self-esteem you need to cut contact.

And this:

But I know he values our time together, we talk so much, chatting, laughing, spending time together, and so I get why he has begged me not to go.

I don't think you get at all why he "begged" you not to go. tbh You really don't. For him you are an adoring girl who never says no and who he can have sex with whenever he likes without any commitment whatsoever. He begged you because you're a convenience to him. I'm afraid it's nothing more than this. You know I think having a FB can be a great arrangement if both parties have no interest in one another romantically. When one is clearly besotted though it's corrosive and damaging and invariably ends in tears.

Time to toughen up OP and cut contact. You're totally wasting your time.

Miss Fluff, I haven't had sex with him in over a year, the first time he said he wouldnt be in a relationship, I stopped all of that. So Im not a convenience, thanks. I have respect for myself. That is difficult to prove to strangers on a forum, but I certainly do. Its a lot more difficult when you run into said person all the time, when you live near each other and work near each other and have mutual friends. Ive had to stop a lot of my acitivities just to avoid him in situations, so Im getting there.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Seenit all - yes, unfortunately that is a very likely outcome.

OP, sleeping with him is not going to make him suddenly commit to you. He hasn't done so because he doesn't need to. He has all the benefits of a relationship without the label so he can shag around elsewhere if he wants.

It is going to hurt for a while and you will miss him. You will no doubt feel a void in your life, but that will pass. Do not be tempted to fall back into the same old pattern.

You are worth more than this. He really isn't offering you enough and in your heart you know it.

If he ups the flirting stakes again, tell him to get his ego boost elsewhere. If he truly is a friend, he won't, but I have a feeling all these great chats and laughs were par of the course for him to keep you sweet so that he got what he wanted out of your friendship.

Have not had sex with him at all since he decided no commitment, and that was a year ago. I know I am worth more, I have said this, but this guy isnt actually a bad person and that is the truth. He hasnt forced anything on me, or got he wanted out my friendship, as I said, no sex since. and no Im not looking for a relationship with anymore, I have accepted it, it may not be what I want, but thats life. Im talking on a level of now making it awkward with him as our paths will cross regardless of not texting, facebooking. which I have deleted today.

Miss Fluff

OK fair enough, you didn't specify that in your initial post so hardly surprising to presume you're still sleeping with him when you're so clearly enamoured.

In any event you have said that sexual texts have been sent in the last few weeks so he evidently still thinks he can do that to you and that you'll respond.

Either way my advice still stands. You're clearly besotted with this chap and he clearly doesn't feel the same. Cut contact. Easier said done I know but if he contacts you through FB or any other means just ignore him. You're wasting your time and allowing this to drag on when it's not going to go anywhere.

Kadongy

Does he offer you any of the emotional support that you offer him?

You say he's an asshole a lot. Is he actively mean when he is, trying to hurt you, or cut you down? Or is it more like what you describe here where he is moody, emotional and self-absorbed?

Why doesn't he want a relationship with you? Is it because he thinks it would be heavy, or mess up your friendship - or is it because he wants to be free to meet other people?

Is he honest with you?

It's not really clear to me from what you say whether he only cares about what you offer him and is using you, or if he does care.

Humria

OP, there is some very good advice being offered on this thread already.

I'd just like to say words are cheap. Look at his actions rather than his words. "Begging" you not to go means nothing if it's not backed up by the similar action/behaviour. You may not be sleeping with him but he is getting something from his interaction with you. As another poster said, it's probably an ego-boost. Whatever he is getting out of it, it's clearly a one-sided interaction. He may not be a bad guy but in this case you are giving him something and he is getting away with not giving you anything in return.

What really struck me is that you asked him not to contact you and he did it anyway. He then proceeded to act in a childish way towards you when he didn't get his way. It is obvious that he is not concerned with your feelings. You may feel you have accepted the "relationship status" but the situation you are in is not sustainable. It's an unpleasant emotional roller coaster and you have to ask yourself whether you need to take another ride on it. It's not going to be different next time.

MacieC

You should not be embarassed. I think he should be embarassed for using you as a tool. I mean, he's making a fool out of you.

I was in your position twice. Everytime I tried in vain, to break the relationships off, because those were one-way relationships. Every single time I was like " Been there, done that, never going back again ", and bim, here we go again.

I've just recently decided to get out of a one-way relationship. The guy knew I had feelings for him but he only saw me as a tool to his loneliness. It was hard and it took me a year to understand that what he had to offer was emptiness.

Your mistake was to stick around when he clearly had no intentions of getting into a committed relationship. He was just using you because he knew you liked him, that's pure selfishness. He knew you'd stick around no matter what.

For your sake, move on. It may be hard the first few months, but you might lose yourself if you go further. He's got no respect for you, and you're diving right in. Don't contact him, and if he does, ignore him.

I'm sure you'll find someone who will truly treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

curlzy

Hey OP,

That guy is a total headwrecker. Why would you want to be friends with someone who wrecks your head to that degree? Also why are you even in love with him? He sounds totally self centred and self absorbed. You told him that the emotional rollercoaster was painful to you and that you wanted to cut contact, did he respect that? Did he do the right thing by you and leave you alone to get over it? No, he got back in contact and proceeded to act like a 12 year old.

Seriously OP, stop wasting your headspace on him! There's tonnes of guys out there that aren't addicted to emotional drama and crap. Most guys want to find a nice girl to have fun with and enjoy life with, and you're missing them while your head is caught up in this teenage dramatic crap! I honestly don't think you're in love with him, I think you've spent so long running after him that you think you are but you're honestly not.

Stop being an ego boost for him and I bet my bottom dollar that you'll find a great, supportive, fun, loving and non-dramatic guy before long. Seriously girl, have you not got anything better to do than to pine after an unavailable ego-maniac? Ok maybe that's a bit strong but he is a headwrecker. You can do better, just don't engage in this type of drama and you'll feel a whole lot better before long.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

hey op, i bet you're thinking everyone is way off the mark with their advice yea?

well, they are spot on, as the username says, been there done that.
you claim the problem is that you sent him an emotional text and now he is being weird with you? well so what???

i think you said in your original post that you are there for him when he needed it? clearly he doesnt behave the same way with you. does he ever put your feelings first? does he tell you exactly what he thinks? is he completely honest with you?
you havent said why he wont be in a relationship with you, do you know? has he told you exactly why? or has he fobbed you off with stupid statements? like, he doesnt know, he isnt ready, you're too good for him, he has been hurt previously............i could go on and on, i heard them all. and honestly believed them.

maybe he doesnt realise what he is putting you through, but neither does he care, you explained how hard it was to be in contact, he stills does it whenever he feels like it, selfish behaviour, not thinking about you.
even 'just a friend' wouldnt treat you like that!

in my case it all eventually wore me down until i couldnt take it anymore, i couldnt believe him and he killed my feelings for him bit by bit. im still not completely there but i will be.
i do hope you will be where i am sooner rather than later.

just think how you will feel when you hear he is going out with someone else. it will happen and amazingly all his excuses will have dissappeared!

LegacyUser

OP here,

Well things came to a head. he texted if I was still put out so to speak, I didnt reply, got another text later. I ignored. I replied the next day but it was a simple text to say, it is done. Ive moved on. Time he did. I wont be replying. He then ignores the whole message and starts talking about something else completely, I answered it, and he stopped texting and so did I. I sent no more messages, nor did he.

He has not iniatiated contact on facebook either, for the last two days, So perhaps this the step forward and he has got the message.
I wont lie and say I feel down about it. Regardless of what people think or they gather from what I've said. It was a big part of my life for the last two years, and is not as black and white as people make out. But hopefully this is the step forward without any nasty ending.