Did I do the right thing?

Ande1975 · 02-10-2011 3:45pm #1

Hi - first time poster here so I am not sure if this the right forum to post this and please move if there is a more appropriate place.
I have always been very decisive about my feelings and cannot easily transfer from one person to another.
It takes me a long time to get comfortable with someone so I think I might across as detached.
How is it that some people can move from person to person and cheat on their partner? Recently someone broke up with their long term partner (for various reasons)but I was a factor and when I didn't appear to be moving as fast as them, they went back to their partner.
I understood (though disappointed). They recently reached out to me to meet up and I thought it was an explaination for what had happened. Turns out I heard a few harsh truths about me and not opening up to someone. They are not 100% sure and ended up kissing me. I didn't allow it to progress further and told them to sort their stuff out. I do not want to be the other woman.
Did I do the right thing? I think I am in love but I want things to be above board.

Thank you for reading.

seenitall · 02-10-2011 4:14pm

In a nutshell:

find a mature man who will be free to love you (instead of a cheating head-wreck who wants to have his cake and eat it, and then blames you for "not opening up" :pac:) and you may just find you will be able to "open up" a lot sooner.

Really.

Ande1975 · 02-10-2011 4:30pm

To be fair he didn't blame me and he was 100% correct. He isn't the first person who has told me I can come across as aloof and detached.
I take my time getting to know someone and hold back until I'm sure. He was just there before me and it was too late when I caught up.
I just can't understand how he could go back to his ex if he still has feelings for me.
I am not going to see him again unless its over but I think I need to move on regardless. Hard lesson to learn.:(

Kadongy · 02-10-2011 4:33pm

seenitall wrote: »

In a nutshell:

find a mature man who will be free to love you (instead of a cheating head-wreck who wants to have his cake and eat it, and then blames you for "not opening up" ) and you may just find you will be able to "open up" a lot sooner.

Really.

Yes I agree.

Becoming attached to one person and not fluttering between whomever is convenient at a particular time is a positive trait. Taking time to open up to someone is generally a good idea.

As pointed out, the guy is the one messing things up. He is blaming you. This is because he blames other people, and doesnt take responsibility for what he does. It is not because of any deficiency or failing on your part.

Kadongy · 02-10-2011 4:37pm

Ande1975 wrote: »

To be fair he didn't blame me and he was 100% correct. He isn't the first person who has told me I can come across as aloof and detached.
I take my time getting to know someone and hold back until I'm sure. He was just there before me and it was too late when I caught up.
I just can't understand how he could go back to his ex if he still has feelings for me.
I am not going to see him again unless its over but I think I need to move on regardless. Hard lesson to learn.:(

Because he has pretty shallow feelings and has tantrums when his wants are not gratified immediately. You are blaming yourself incorrectly. You clearly care more about him and the relationship you had than he did. He is guilty of what he blames you for. You are not.

Ande1975 · 02-10-2011 4:47pm

Its funny, if I was reading this about someone else I'd know exactly what to say.
It wasn't relationship per se.... he just pursued me and wore me down. I freaked out a little at the start and shot him down.
I cared more about his relationship with her. I just didn't want to be the person responsible for breaking two people up when I didn't ask him to.
I don't know. Just never been in this position before.
Thanks for all the replies

I am a friend · 02-10-2011 5:47pm

He is weak. He is dishonourable, a bit of a bully and he obviously can't be on his own.

None of these traits would attract him to me as a new partner. Why would you go near him? He was willing to cheat on his gf - when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy... Could you ever trust him? I couldn't seeing as he was willing to drag his gf along as he was courting you. Not good!!!

Ande1975 · 02-10-2011 6:35pm

I am a friend wrote: »

He is weak. He is dishonourable, a bit of a bully and he obviously can't be on his own.

None of these traits would attract him to me as a new partner. Why would you go near him? He was willing to cheat on his gf - when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy... Could you ever trust him? I couldn't seeing as he was willing to drag his gf along as he was courting you. Not good!!!

With all due respect, some of above was a little harsh. I am beginning to realise that maybe he is someone who cannot be on his own but saying he is a bit of a bully is OTT as he is far from it.
He broke up with her before anything happened with me.
Thing is if he really wanted to be with me he would. I know he was a long history with his ex.
I realised my feelings too late and now I'm alone again. I am sad and I miss him. I just want to make sure I am strong and keep my distance.
Appreciate the response all the same.

I am a friend · 02-10-2011 7:10pm

Well why i meant he is a bully is that he gave you the benefit of his opinion by way of 'harsh truths' and was happy to let you know of his displeasure but he obviously didn't have a good look at his own less than flattering behaviour.

I posted on the basis of the information you posted here and responded through fresh eyes... You can defend him all you want but, from what you posted, he is not honourable and he is fickle - not attractive.

thefeatheredcat · 02-10-2011 7:11pm

Ande1975 wrote: »

told them to sort their stuff out. I do not want to be the other woman.

Ande1975 wrote: »

He broke up with her before anything happened with me.
Thing is if he really wanted to be with me he would.

OP your approach in getting to know someone and taking the time is a good approach. There is nothing wrong in it, or with you.

The bit in bold is your answer. If he wanted to be with you, he would.

Instead, he has broken up with his ex (hurt her feelings), actively pursued you afterwards, was shot down and then returned back to his ex. His ex, I'm sure must be feeling rather confused if the feelings that he has are for you, and she is being played, if you like, as second best.

I think him pursing you is more out of pride.... I'd be wary OP... but in any case if things with him and his ex don't work out, it isn't going to because of you at all, so don't allow for yourself to believe that!

Did you do the right thing is telling him to sort his stuff out? Yes, absolutely!

Otherwise you're just going to be in a triangle between him, you and his ex/current girlfriend and really, all he is going to do is mess around with your head and his ex's/girlfriend's head and all he will do is hurt the both of you.

I'd move on tbh OP, move on to someone better who isn't out to mess with people's heads and hearts by not knowing what they want, who are patient to enjoy the person that you are, and who are not always keeping an ex that they have history with as a safety net.

Ande1975 · 02-10-2011 7:16pm

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

OP your approach in getting to know someone and taking the time is a good approach. There is nothing wrong in it, or with you.

The bit in bold is your answer. If he wanted to be with you, he would.

Instead, he has broken up with his ex (hurt her feelings), actively pursued you afterwards, was shot down and then returned back to his ex. His ex, I'm sure must be feeling rather confused if the feelings that he has are for you, and she is being played, if you like, as second best.

I think him pursing you is more out of pride.... I'd be wary OP... but in any case if things with him and his ex don't work out, it isn't going to because of you at all, so don't allow for yourself to believe that!

Did you do the right thing is telling him to sort his stuff out? Yes, absolutely!

Otherwise you're just going to be in a triangle between him, you and his ex/current girlfriend and really, all he is going to do is mess around with your head and his ex's/girlfriend's head and all he will do is hurt the both of you.

I'd move on tbh OP, move on to someone better who isn't out to mess with people's heads and hearts by not knowing what they want and always keeping an ex that they have history with as a safety net.

Thank you. That makes so much sense to me.
Thanks again for the reply.

Did I do the right thing?

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