My bf doesn't want me to interfere any of his problems

veliasaseah

Hi all,

We know each other for about 2 years and during the first few months of our relationship, we always share our problems with each other and ask each other for opinions and such. However, after the honeymoon period, he would say things like "Don't interfere my problems" when I asked about it randomly sometimes. The thing is we still share our problems but I realized he doesn't want me to come up with a solution or even advise him on that. Sometimes, I feel that it's partly because of his pride or so.

I thought it was a way to show concern through questioning and stuffs but it turned out otherwise.

He doesn't have many friends but he has a few close friends. he likes to keep things to himself and he express himself differently. When he's uncomfortable or upset with a person or something, he will choose to walk away without even speaking a word. I'm worried that he will lose his friends by him doing this.

I want to know what I should do. Is there anything I can do?

Kadongy

veliasaseah wrote: »

Hi all,

We know each other for about 2 years and during the first few months of our relationship, we always share our problems with each other and ask each other for opinions and such. However, after the honeymoon period, he would say things like "Don't interfere my problems" when I asked about it randomly sometimes. The thing is we still share our problems but I realized he doesn't want me to come up with a solution or even advise him on that. Sometimes, I feel that it's partly because of his pride or so.

I thought it was a way to show concern through questioning and stuffs but it turned out otherwise.

He doesn't have many friends but he has a few close friends. he likes to keep things to himself and he express himself differently. When he's uncomfortable or upset with a person or something, he will choose to walk away without even speaking a word. I'm worried that he will lose his friends by him doing this.

I want to know what I should do. Is there anything I can do?

I think you should respect his desire to deal with things himself, while indicating you are there to talk if he wants or needs to at any time. Well intentioned advice can feel intrusive if it is not wanted.

Sleepy

He wants you to listen and give him sympathy rather than solve his problems for him.

It's more typically a trait you find in women and one I find infuriating to deal with because I just can't understand why some people regard pity / sympathy as having more value than a solution to a problem.

I am a friend

Yeah why do you feel the need to 'interfere'? Why not let him paddle his own canoe and then come to you if he needs to. You are mammy-ing him and he obviously doesnt like it so for the sake of the relationship - take the hint

Ickle Magoo

I think you should respect his wishes or you risk him finding it more and more irritating.

I know from experience it can be really quite annoying to be unable to speak about anything affecting your life with a partner, without them immediately jumping into therapist/"problem solve mode" on your behalf - doubly so when the solution is fairly obvious. I like solving my own issues, my own way - and tbh I often know what I have to do, I just want to let off steam about being in a situation that requires solving in the first place and it can help me form a solution by vocalising what is going on and how it makes me feel - rather than it being assumed it is a request for help as I am unable to come up with a solution for myself. Perhaps your boyfriend is the same?

I'd also not get involved in how he deals with his friends - that's also taking on the therapist role a bit - if you have concerns, voice them once and then leave it. There's a fine line between concern and smothering which is individual to us all and you have to be careful not to cross his.

All the best. :cool:

veliasaseah

Thank you all for the responses. Sometimes, I feel that I need to do something for him to make myself useful in his life. Everyone can be his listening ear and if I can do the same for him like the others, what makes me special then? The weird thing is he wants my advise on certain things but he already knows what to do. When I advised him, he told me what he thinks he should do, etc.. why? I don't wish my advises and words to fall on deaf ears. =( I want to do something for him.

analucija

veliasaseah wrote: »

Thank you all for the responses. Sometimes, I feel that I need to do something for him to make myself useful in his life. Everyone can be his listening ear and if I can do the same for him like the others, what makes me special then? The weird thing is he wants my advise on certain things but he already knows what to do. When I advised him, he told me what he thinks he should do, etc.. why? I don't wish my advises and words to fall on deaf ears. =( I want to do something for him.

Maybe he just wants to talk things through with you. He doesn't need somebody to take care of him, he needs somebody to bounce his ideas of. It's called partnership and that makes you special. We are told what to do by our parents and we discuss things with our partners. Don't try to be his mammy.