Looking Desperate

LegacyUser

My last long term relationship was four years ago and I've been single ever since. I am now 31 years old, and in many ways its starting to wear on me. I have dated some guys off and on in the past few years. However, between one thing another none of them worked out into a long term relationship.

I know I would like to meet someone, settle down and have a child, but Iam scared this wont happen for me. Iam not getting any younger! But as time goes on and the less single guys I meet, my confidence is wearing thin. I don’t want to come across as desperate, although I am scared that I am without being aware of it. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions or ideas would be helpful

Firetrap

There isn't a magic bullet I'm afraid. For sure, there are less single men around but that doesn't mean that there's no hope for you. There's not a lot that I can say to you really only to keep meeting people and try not to let your worries get on top of you.

Ande1975

lookingdesperate? wrote: »

My last long term relationship was four years ago and I've been single ever since. I am now 31 years old, and in many ways its starting to wear on me. I have dated some guys off and on in the past few years. However, between one thing another none of them worked out into a long term relationship.

I know I would like to meet someone, settle down and have a child, but Iam scared this wont happen for me. Iam not getting any younger! But as time goes on and the less single guys I meet, my confidence is wearing thin. I don’t want to come across as desperate, although I am scared that I am without being aware of it. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions or ideas would be helpful

First of all, take comfort in the fact that you are not the first person to feel like this and definitely won't be the last.
I am 36 and I could say the exact same thing but I don't have the fear anymore. Why? because I think you reach a point in your life where you realise you cannot force or control circumstances.
Don't let anything affect your confidence. Confidence is key in all of this. Take a look at your friends, is there someone who seems to move through relationships effortlessly? I'm not saying that anyone has this figured out but they may respond to situations in a way that maybe we don't do well.
An e.g. could be if a guy doesn't call when he should, we might go into a blind panic, whereas someone else might have such a full and active life wouldn't even notice.
My advice is don't become cynical. Be your best self every day and honestly, things can change in the blink of an eye and you'll forget you ever felt this way. Good luck!

Kevin Duffy

What are you actively doing to meet guys OP? Online dating? Pubs and clubs? Sports clubs or other hobbies?

LegacyUser

I knew this question would come up! I have tired online dating, but it wasnt for me and I found it frustrating to say the least. I have met guys in the usual places: pubs and clubs and through friends.
I know my problem, just I was looking how to move forward from it.

Firetrap

You just reach an acceptance in your mind that meeting someone isn't something you have any great control of. For sure, keep going out etc. but bear in mind that life doesn't always turn out the way you wanted or planned. That's not to say that you won't meet the man of your dreams and have children. You're still only 31.

qwertytlk

Hi, try not to worry. It will happen for you, and when you least expect it. That old cliche of 'when you stop looking, you will fimd somene' is actually very true ( well in my experience anyway). So try not to panic, and if there is no specific incident/s that you know you acted desperate then you have no reason to think that this is the vibe your giving off do you? Would you be able to discreetly discuss this with a friend and see if they have anyone they could set you up with?if you didnt like online dating you could try some other things to meet someone, like for example join a gym or club. I know how you feel, i felt the same about 2 years ago. After a bad long term relationship and then a series of short term ones that couldnt be described as anything but disasterous, i actually met the man of my dreams....at a bus stop of all places! We got talking and there was an instant spark. Anyway i got my bus and never thought id see him again. Couldnt get him out of my head, which made me feel stupid given the circumstances. Then, by chance, a week later i bumped into him again, we exchaged numbers and i havent looked back since. So what im trying to say is dont give up hope, the man of your dreams could be just around the corner. And 31 is not old at all, you still have plenty of time. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Ande1975 wrote: »

An e.g. could be if a guy doesn't call when he should, we might go into a blind panic, whereas someone else might have such a full and active life wouldn't even notice.

I used to go into a blind panic, or get very annoyed, if I didn't get a text or phonecall back when I was expecting it. It took me some time to realise that I didn't really know the other person, so how in the world would I know their texting/calling habits! Realising this showed me that my expectations of a person I barely know were unreasonable, so I adjusted my expectations of people I barely know.

Around the same time, I got really sick of going out to clubs and pubs, spending money, and not enjoying myself. I wouldn't enjoy the night if I didn't meet someone. My outlook was entirely my own fault however. It took me some time, and a few false starts, before I actually started enjoying nights out for what they were-a chance to meet up with friends, have the craic with strangers etc. In essence, I stopped looking for a man. I became happier in myself, started to listen to what it was I wanted instead of searching for something I thought I wanted.

I met loads of guys. But we just didn't suit each other. Either I broke up with them (because I knew what I wanted), or they broke up with me. It didn't get me down all that much because I knew my own happiness was far more important than being with someone I didn't get on with (or vice versa).

I met someone. He's everything I want (plus other things we can compromise on : P). I'm still very happy because I know that I gave myself the time to find out what it is I really want. I'm still very happy because I know I'm not with him just because I don't want to be alone.

The bottom line OP is that you have to give yourself time to really see what it is you want. You owe it to yourself to do this. You've all the time in the world to meet someone, loads of lovely guys out there.

I am a friend

There is nothing desperate about being single, at any age... What I consider desperate is people who stay in [EMAIL="cr@p"]cr@p[/EMAIL] relationships cos they dont want to be single....

I think (and from experience) its important to have a good sense of yourself and to be frank, I think you almost have to let go of the need / desire to meet someone because when you run into a relationship just to have someone, more often than not the blinkers are on and bad choices are made..

There are no guaranatees so make your own life, grow to enjoy your own life and anything else is a blessing.