Short story. Would like some feedback please.

Arpa

A short story based on real events, would appreciate some feedback. Thanks guys.


Way out, spiralling. Highways of bytes and terra doodle. Twisty underwater cables. Fibre optic man, you see the light shining. Pixels exploding on my screen, congregating again to form words, type. She has typed, it’s removed, disseminated, jumbled, Wonka-Vision and it’s on my screen. Her words, her smiley’s. Three months now, back and forth we’ve been at it. Such safe flirting, arousal, never leading anywhere. I hate to say it but I’m a product of the modern age. My generation. Why don’t you all fade away. Fade in, from black, pixelated, webcam, stuttering smiles. FFF fade in. Away again, coming through, this is ground control. Far out. Close in.

We talked of dreams for the future, she liked Harlequin, showed me her tattoo. I liked the skin on which her tattoo was placed. Above her ass cheek. Substantial ass, tapering to luscious thighs. She sent me the pics you see. Such delicate construct, a fragile countenance. A Sabine haired maiden from Mexico. I fell for her. Can I say that? I fell for her through a computer screen. We exchanged numbers. She called me, I pretended not to be able to understand the Mexican phone system. **** that, the price of it and me on prepaid. Still, when she called, it could have been a robot talking. I fell for her. Did I? We dreamt some more, time moved on, I wasn’t cheating on reality. Reality was too busy giving me grief, ‘Don’t do this. Don’t drink. Don’t stay up all night. Come to bed. Hold me. Come meet me when my bus arrives.’ Bull**** reality girl. Give me virtual reality girl! Speedily I say!
More dreams, more time, more happiness in www faerie land. Plans made, she would save up to buy the fare here. Faerie fare I believed. She took a second job at night to earn extra money. Airport hugs and kisses. Secret winks. The whole lot, a virtual relationship with the money shot. I shot sometimes, she knew it. No money though to make it a reality. All was well until stop. Period. Pause. Interruption. No message, no smiley. Days pass. Problems with computer probably. One week. Mexico is a poor country, power outage. Week after week, general power outage, poverty riots, mining accident. Wait, that was Chile. In the town of Springhill. Virtual reality girl gone.

Life again, reality. Reality girl had signed out too. Seems she couldn’t take the downs with the ups. **** her, consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.

I received a message on my phone a few months later when she had passed from my mind. It was in pigeon English and asked me as best I could to translate the Spanish. I asked a friend to translate.

She had been in an accident, she was in a coma. Pray.

That was all the info I had to work with. I replied, but it just came back, pray. Out of respect and not wishing to text the phone of a girl in a coma I ceased my inquiries. I became dismayed, but only for moments of the day. I did pray. I did the rosary. I don’t believe, but I wouldn’t take the chance in this case. I prayed to him to save her, along with a few prayers thrown in for reality girl. Life is tricky without her too. Bitch had a hold on me. So I did the decades and sat back. Nothing.

Another month passed. I was on the Wonka- Vision again, she appeared. Like in the movies but without the stupid sound effect. Pop. The cheek! I had done all this praying and she had the cheek to continue living. We talked for a few minutes. I had prayed too ardently. She had had a difficult time. She was however still free to be my love, but I would have to go to Mexico as her life had changed drastically. How could I forgive her after she left me without a message on my Nokia? She still loved me dearly, she wept. I didn’t. I don’t know what I felt then. I had been dealing with so much with being dumped by the ex and she wasn’t even there for me. The indignity of it. She had been returning from her second job at night and had been attacked, raped and left battered and unconscious on a side street.

She was pregnant and was keeping the child. She told me this. My head reeled. Start, shut down. Restart. Shut down. Sleep.

FewFew

I can see what you're going for, but a lot of it is over the top. Doesn't add to the effect, just makes the reader have to re-read and go "wuh?". I'd nearly just delete the first paragraph.

In my opinion, trying to be different is getting in the way of you telling your story.

Also, think some of the punctuation is a bit off for the pacing you're going for.

I quite like the computer terminology and some of the lyrics used.

EileenG

What he said. I found it quite difficult to read. I thought the computer/virtual aspect was hammered too hard, we all know about virtual relationships.

I've got to say, I didn't like the main character. His attitude to her recovery and rape was nasty.

Having said that, there is a seed in here which could turn into a story I'd enjoy reading.

JaneHudson

I like the rhythm in the sentences. It reads almost like rap or beat poetry. The main character is fairly unlikeable. The story spills its guts suddenly in the last paragraph and it's awkward because you feel like the narrator doesn't care but he's telling us anyway. I think it's this shrugging uncaring attitude that makes him so hard to identify with.

Arpa

Thanks for the feedback guys. It will help with a re-write. Some good pointers. He is a nasty bastard isn't he? Hmm...don't want people to empathise with him really, but it needs something different. Anyway...

EileenG

Maybe have him having this amazing relationship with his fantasy girl, then silence, and by the time he discovers she's a real person with all those problems of her own, he's moved on to a real girl at home?

FewFew

Arpa wrote: »

Thanks for the feedback guys. It will help with a re-write. Some good pointers. He is a nasty bastard isn't he? Hmm...don't want people to empathise with him really, but it needs something different. Anyway...

You could flag he's a bit of a bastard earlier, just so it doesn't come as a surprise. Would only take a line to hint at his apathy.

Oryx

I thought he was bein spun a line by a scammer, a money, passport hunter. Like attracting like, cos he's shallow. The way you've written it doesn't flow yet, but I do like what youre trying to do.

pickarooney

I think the ending is very realistic. The perfect ideal of the fantasy woman is ruined and so he cuts and runs. He had no real interest in the trivialities of her offline life; she was just a fantasy escape from his failing relationship. The bit about the phone charges leaves the reader under no illusions.

With a bit less obfuscation this could be a very good piece. A lot of people could and will identify with the main character.

FewFew

pickarooney wrote: »

The bit about the phone charges leaves the

Actually yeah, that bit instantly made the whole think step up a rung on the realism ladder.

pops

I definitely got a sense of him being a bit of a bastard when he pretended not to understand the Mexican phone system so that he wouldn't have to pay for the phone.

I liked the story, the realism and the language is good although a bit start-stop. If it was written in a different format, it could nearly be poetry,

EnglishLit

I loved it. He is a hateful git, you get that early on.

However , the content of the first 4 sentences are terrible sorry. I believe no reader would progress past the first 2. We only did because of the express ask to read the piece.

Also, praying the rosary just doesn't fit with his character.

I love the short static sentences, it's totally reflective of an online relationship. Where a comma placement can ruin your relationship because it implies the wrong thing and grammar has to be carefully watched. I love that you've done the exact opposite with the text.

Well done.

3qsmavrod5twfe

Liked it once I got past the first paragraph, but wouldn't be able for much more than what was written here.

Reminded me very much of Irvine Welsh, with the scottish accent replaced by a kind of texty/computery (if those are even words) internal monologue. If you haven't read "Filth" give it a try. It can be tough work as the main character isn't the most likeable but there is a similar enough vibe going on between him and how you present your main character here.

Arpa

Thanks guys, that's all really helpful stuff. I will get round to doing a re-write at some stage and post it up. Would love your to hear your comments then.

It worries me a little about people not liking the 'internal monologue/pacing rhythm', as I was hoping that would carry the mood. I was going for a kind of Kerouac beat, punchy yet flowing if that makes sense? However it seems I've missed the mark. Is it just the computer gibberish that annoys people? Or are the sentences too short? Seems the first paragraph is the main issue. Guess my vision of a David Bowie type float through cyberspace didn't quite make it to the page. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Maccasarlaigh, haven't read Filth, just Trainspotting, but will definitely get on the case. Particularly because the story here, while standalone, is a precursor for something larger and I really need to find a certain tenor. Thanks for the info.

EileenG

Read it out loud, or better still, get somone else to read it to you. It's amazing how often you hear the bits that aren't working just right when it's spoken. You'll probably hear yourself what you need to do to it.

Fishooks12

The intro didn't grab my attention, most important part of any short story

alfa beta

Arpa wrote: »

Guess my vision of a David Bowie type float through cyberspace didn't quite make it to the page.

Actually it did - I for one came away humming Moonage Day Dream.

I'm an alligator, I'm a mama papa coming for you, I'm a space invader, I'll be a rock'n'rolling bitch for you, keep your mouth shut, you're jumping like a pink monkey bird and I'm busting up my brain for the words......

deyo

Arpa wrote: »

A short story based on real events, would appreciate some feedback.

Where's ecstasy?
I expected that something will explode in the second paragraph, after you started using short sentences and his mind got very dynamic, but you abruptly slowed the story down. I think a sentece or two are missing in between. Whatever it is. Like: "****! #*&%$^ Freezing yoghurt spillt on my erected penis bursted virtual in a blink of eye and made me realize how reality is painful. Damn with that girl..."

I don't like techy stuff, but there's a sense of humour I do like in this story. I'd like to re-read it, if you apply given advices.

PurpleBee

Whilst the narrator is an unpleasant individual, the way he gets sucked into what is an apparent escape from reality is really well portrayed I thought, and the situation he faces at the end, whether to turn off the computer or not... I'd be interested to know how many would keep it on

--Kaiser--

I like this story, the intro was interesting but needs a bit of tidying up. The story itself was good, you are waiting for the girl to ask for money or ti be fake or something similar which would let the guy down, but in the end it's the opposite, he lets her down. The ending I liked as well "Start, shut down. Restart. Shut down. Sleep. " He was treating the realtionaship like a computer game, except this one you can restart when something bad happens.

EileenG wrote: »

. I thought the computer/virtual aspect was hammered too hard, we all know about virtual relationships.

I disagree with this, assuming your audience knows enough about this sort of area would be a major pitfall in writing a story about it

Antilles

EileenG wrote: »

. I thought the computer/virtual aspect was hammered too hard, we all know about virtual relationships.

I disagree with this, assuming your audience, like a knows enough about this sort of area would be a major pitfall in writing a story about it

I'm with Eileen on this. We all live in the 21st century, so there's no need to lay it on so thick. I liked the story but the computer aspect reads like something out of the 1980s -- like a news report excitedly using phrases like "information superhighway". We understand, we know what the internet is. Get on with the story.

PurpleBee

Antilles wrote: »

Get on with the story.

We all know about trains but if my story happens on a train then descriptive train related passages would not be out of place, particularly if they help in creating the atmosphere I'm looking for.

DaneScott

Not that I'm a master or anything, but I liked it. Jumpy, but I enjoyed that. Added to the uneasiness of the whole thing.