Not who I used to me

LegacyUser

Hi all

Well, I've been having real problems in my job. I've worked in the same area for over ten years (the last eight years in the same company) but, for the last 14 months, I've been in a situation that I really hate.

Situation is, I've been sharing an office with another girl for just over a year. She is driving me insane. She won't shut up. Every day that I go in, I know I'm facing a day of her shouting her opinions, complaining about everything, and having a go at me for absolutely everything that I do.

Over the last six months or so, this is really becoming an issue for me. I have spoken to her before and explained how I feel, and the response that I got (condensed) was "this is how I am. I say what I feel." Basically, she is not going to change. I've spoken to HR three times and asked could I get moved, but I keep getting told that there is going to be an office re-shuffle in the next few months and things will change then.

Now, I know this might not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, and I know I'm lucky to have a job, but this is ruining my working life and spilling into my evenings and weekends. Every morning that I wake up now, I know I have to go into the office with this girl. Instead of doing my job and chatting with people at lunch and during the day, all I can think of is that I have to face another eight hours in a room with this person.

I never skipped out of bed and into work, but I used to enjoy what I do. But now, I dread every single day. I feel sick walking into work, and I spend the days feeling like I have a heavy ball sitting in my stomach and a weight at the back of my head. It has gotten so bad. At this stage, I'm barely interacting with other people in work because: (a) I'm so unhappy that I find it a hard to talk about anything good; and, (b) it's becoming more and more obvious that I have a problem with this girl, and she has plenty of mates within the company and I've heard them talking about me.

I reckon I'm getting a reputation in there for being a stuck up cow. It's my fault for letting this get to me, and I try so hard to be friendly to people when I meet them in the kitchen or wherever, but I just find myself looking for a way to escape any conversations because I just can't keep them up. I'm becoming so withdrawn within myself - and that's not who I am. Working where I am is changing me to a point where, although I am fine with my boyfriend and close friends / family, when I'm out with people I don't know so well, I feel like I have nothing to say because everything is sad or boring.

I've been applying for different jobs for the last while, but I have to give two months' notice to leave the place I'm in, and, so far, nobody wants to wait for two months to hire me. I don't know if I should just hand in my notice and hope that something comes up in the two months.

I just hate the person I'm becoming. I can't relax anymore unless I'm with somebody I know well. I was at a family event a while ago and I had to race with myself to try and keep up the happy act. I don't know if I succeeded or not, but I've been told by a god few people recently that they know something's wrong.

I don't know what to do. I have absolutely exhausted all avenues in work in relation to getting me away from this person. I have begged, pleaded and cried with HR. I can't get another job with the notice time I have to give, and I hate how introverted I've become. My mum is worried about me and I know it's upsetting her. She knows what's going on, but she thinks I need to stay with my job until I get a new one.

I don't know. I feel like I'm close to breaking point and I have no peace of mind anymore.

Could you try standing up to her and reversing the role? If it got to the stage where she went to HR asking for a move, HR would know the problem is a big one and then act. There is nothing worse than dealing with someone who is opinionated, and when it's happened to me, I just bulldozed over them.

I'm also quite a friendly chappie bar those instances.

Best of luck with it!

I am a friend

That's life - you can't choose your family or who you share an office with and tbh I think engaging hr 3 times over your dislike of someone is very unprofessional. What has she actually done wrong and yet you report her to hr???

You talk like you have no control over yourself. If you are a misery guts at work then people are going go avoid you. V few people like all their work colleagues so IMHO you need to get on with it - stop whining, sulking and moaning and get on with work.

dazberry

To me (disclaimer: non professional opinion) you sound really really stressed, and I can identify with that to some degree from having been there in the past.

If I were you I would look to get some help in relation to stress in the workplace, and if need be talk to a professional about it. If that is the case and you are getting help I would very much make sure HR know the situation, which might just light a fire under them, because the last thing they want is you going out on sick leave for extended periods due to a situation that they failed to manage.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

D.

hi op
i think we've all been there before with unpleasant colleagues, i have found a way is just to not give them any time or attention. polite but non committal monosyllabic replies, don't engage her, and she'll get fed up of talking to herself.

I am sure I dont need to tell you this but that level of constant stress will have you genuinely quite ill soon, so please try and take it easy and distract yourself at least while outside work.

LegacyUser

Just thought I'd throw in my tuppence worth. I've a colleague who hates my guts for some unknown reason and, while she has been warned by our manager, she still continues to be hostile but right on the edges of what's considered to be bullying. Workplaces really can make us have to put up with some reprehensible beings sometimes

I went to see a counsellor and it really did help. I think you really should go too because you've a lot to unload and it is going to make you sick. My counsellor also helped me a lot with how to deal with this colleague through visualisations, roleplay and some home truths. One thing that she did say, which has stuck with me, was why am I letting this woman take up head space. She's really not worth it.

Your HR are your typical HR really. Unwilling to rock the boat unless something's going to impinge on them. Seeing as you've been crying in front of them already and they know you're in bits, letting them know you're now seeking professional help might actually make them do something. Not to help you, you understand, but to cover their own asses. If you went out on sick leave with stress and it is intimated that they didn't lift a finger to help, it might turn the spotlight on them.

Starting on Monday, do your level best to ignore this colleague. Don't speak to her unless you have to. Answer politely with non-committal, monosyllabic answers. Fine, whatever etc. She's probably getting a kick out of winding you up and getting an audience for her opinions. Taking that away might take the wind out of her sails.

Zen65

DifferentPerson wrote: »

Situation is, I've been sharing an office with another girl for just over a year. She is driving me insane. She won't shut up. Every day that I go in, I know I'm facing a day of her shouting her opinions, complaining about everything, and having a go at me for absolutely everything that I do.

Hi Op,

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about your place of work. Your post is a little vague however and I wonder if you could elaborate on the precise behaviours that are affecting you?

You say "she won't shut up" but you don't explain what she's saying to you?

You describe her "shouting her opinions" but it's not clear why this is an issue for you. What opinions is she expressing? Opinions about you?

You say she is "having a go at me for absolutely everything that I do" which actually sounds quite a vague comment, since she's unlikely to be always having a go at you about everything you do. Can you give examples about how she has been having a go at you?

You describe yourself as withdrawing from all others around you (except your boyfriend) even outside of work. I'd be concerned at this behaviour, and I wonder which came first?

I would like to be able to offer advice, and perhaps if you could "colour in" some of the picture you have presented it would be possible to do so in a way that is helpful to you.


Be at peace,


Z

GAAman

You didnt mention what work you do, can you get an mp3 player and fill it with your favourite music to listen to while you work? If this woman gets on to you at any point you can point at the earphones and in a loud voice tell her "I CANT HEAR YOU I HAVE MY EARPHONES IN"

She is a bully, and the one thing bullys need more than control is attention

Oh and to hell with if other people may think you are a stuck up cow, let them walk a mile in your shoes before they judge you, your happiness is more important than other people's opinions

Kimia

Oh OP, I hear you. I have been there in a big way. I remember the days where I would have the 'fear' on a Sunday, sick with the thoughts of going in the next day.

Even though it's hard to do, try and look at it this way. Isn't this a great opportunity for you to learn how to manage conflict and hostility in the workplace? This is a fantastic lesson on making you the best person you can be so don't treat it like it's bringing you down, treat it like it's challenging you but you are well able for it.

You need to speak with this girl. You need to invite her for lunch and explain to her in a professional way, how she's affecting you. If you have not done this before, she may have no idea how she's affecting you and could be mortified! Or she may know she's bothering you but is pushing you to see how far she gets. Maybe it's how she gets through a crappy day in work, by wrecking your head.

Take her out of 'villain' mode, and take yourself out of 'victim' mentality. Instead, write down what you need to say to this girl, in non-threatening language. For example, rather than saying 'You always shout over me', say 'When you talk over me and not allow me to state my opinion, I feel frustrated and upset'. That way, you are taking ownership of your feelings, but you are also being honest about how her behaviour is affecting you.

Managing conflict in work and becoming good at it is one of the most important and valuable lessons you will ever learn. If you look at this as an opportunity rather than a depressing situation you can't change, then you will find that you will feel more positive and empowered. You can do it!

Best of luck.

CrazyRabbit

Secretly record her. Show the video/audio to your boss/HR.
Check up on the companies anti-bullying/harassment policy.

LegacyUser

Hi

OP here. Thanks for all your advice. I suppose I didn't give enough information in the first post so here goes.

Zen65 wrote: »

Hi Op,

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about your place of work. Your post is a little vague however and I wonder if you could elaborate on the precise behaviours that are affecting you?

You say "she won't shut up" but you don't explain what she's saying to you?

You describe her "shouting her opinions" but it's not clear why this is an issue for you. What opinions is she expressing? Opinions about you?

You say she is "having a go at me for absolutely everything that I do" which actually sounds quite a vague comment, since she's unlikely to be always having a go at you about everything you do. Can you give examples about how she has been having a go at you?

I didn't really want to go into the specifics in my original post, but I understand that it's hard to give advice without knowing the full situation.

When I say she won't shut up, I just mean that she never stops talking. Never. Now, I thought I was good at multi-tasking, but this girl's an expert. We're both good at our jobs - paralegals in a very busy company - but the workload is so massive that you have to think on your feet evaluating what needs to be done next and how to do it as quickly as possible. There are times when we're both running around trying to get things done, but when I'm in the office with her and she's writing a report or researching something, she's on the phone to her friends constantly. I'd admire her if she wasn't driving me out of my mind.

When I say she's talking, I mean she's shouting. She's a very intelligent person and can give good advice, but she knows it and is very sure that what she says is right So, everything she says is shouted. I spend my days in the office listening to her catchphrases: "that's ridiculous", "you're wrong" "you have to..." "they don't know what they're talking about". She doesn't talk in an office voice - she talks at the top of her lungs the whole time.

When I say that she has a go at me about absolutely everything I do, I mean what I say. From the beginning, when she asks me about my weekend, etc., and I say I did x, y and z, she says I should do y, z and x. I'm stupid if I work lunch to get something done, and I'm an idiot if I leave at 5.30pm without clearing my desk. She asks me about what I did the previous evening and if I say I went to yoga she'll say that I'm wasting my time and better off going for a run. If I meet friends, she'll say I should be doing a class and improving myself and I can meet my friends at the weekend. If I do a class, she'll say it's the wrong one. No matter what I say, she'll tear it apart. I am so tired of this! I know she's wrong, but it's very exhausting to hear this day after day. I try to avoid her questions anymore, but it doesn't stop her. I have said all of this to her, but she won't stop. She's "keeping it real." It would be funny, and it will be funny some day, but, right now, I'm at my wit's end.

Zen65 wrote: »

You describe yourself as withdrawing from all others around you (except your boyfriend) even outside of work. I'd be concerned at this behaviour, and I wonder which came first?

I'm concerned about this too. I know that people have worse problems out there than I do and I don't have it so bad, but I'm feeling really crap about everything at the moment. It really has happened in the last while. It probably doesn't sound so bad on paper, but living it has become a nightmare that's just becoming worse and worse every day. My working hours are long at the moments so they make up a big part of my life. When I spend 10+ hours unhappy, it's difficult to drag myself back up for the rest of the day. I think the worst thing is, as I said in my earlier post, is that it's changing me into a person that I don't want to be, and no matter how hard I try during the evenings and weekends, I have become withdrawn and introverted. It's a mess. This is not who I am.

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

Good advice

I hear you, and that's such good advice. I'm of the view that life is what you make of it, and there's no point in sweating the small stuff. I am trying to rise above this, but I'm just not doing so well right now. However, I know that sooner or later I will look back at this and either laugh, learn something, or else commit it to the past forever.

coolcat63

DifferentPerson wrote: »

When I say that she has a go at me about absolutely everything I do, I mean what I say. From the beginning, when she asks me about my weekend, etc., and I say I did x, y and z, she says I should do y, z and x. I'm stupid if I work lunch to get something done, and I'm an idiot if I leave at 5.30pm without clearing my desk. She asks me about what I did the previous evening and if I say I went to yoga she'll say that I'm wasting my time and better off going for a run. If I meet friends, she'll say I should be doing a class and improving myself and I can meet my friends at the weekend. If I do a class, she'll say it's the wrong one. No matter what I say, she'll tear it apart. I am so tired of this! I know she's wrong, but it's very exhausting to hear this day after day. I try to avoid her questions anymore, but it doesn't stop her. I have said all of this to her, but she won't stop. She's "keeping it real." It would be funny, and it will be funny some day, but, right now, I'm at my wit's end.

This bit stands out for me. You know she's going to criticise you, yet you keep giving her information to berate you with. Two options here. Either next time she asks you what you did the previous night tell her you are too busy working to discuss it - flatly refuse to give her any information/ammunition. OR make up something which is just this side of believable but completely false (I got flashed at in the park) and enjoy take the p*ss out of her.

LegacyUser

coolcat63 wrote: »

This bit stands out for me. You know she's going to criticise you, yet you keep giving her information to berate you with. Two options here. Either next time she asks you what you did the previous night tell her you are too busy working to discuss it - flatly refuse to give her any information/ammunition. OR make up something which is just this side of believable but completely false (I got flashed at in the park) and enjoy take the p*ss out of her.

I only gave information at the beginning. Anymore, I just give a generic answer. I'm not really having any conversations with her at this point. I'm just keeping my head down and avoiding contact where I can. I really have no interest messing with her. I don't want to be the bad guy, and I don't have the energy / humour

LegacyUser

DifferentPerson wrote: »

Hi

OP here. Thanks for all your advice. I suppose I didn't give enough information in the first post so here goes.



I didn't really want to go into the specifics in my original post, but I understand that it's hard to give advice without knowing the full situation.

When I say she won't shut up, I just mean that she never stops talking. Never. Now, I thought I was good at multi-tasking, but this girl's an expert. We're both good at our jobs - paralegals in a very busy company - but the workload is so massive that you have to think on your feet evaluating what needs to be done next and how to do it as quickly as possible. There are times when we're both running around trying to get things done, but when I'm in the office with her and she's writing a report or researching something, she's on the phone to her friends constantly. I'd admire her if she wasn't driving me out of my mind.

When I say she's talking, I mean she's shouting. She's a very intelligent person and can give good advice, but she knows it and is very sure that what she says is right So, everything she says is shouted. I spend my days in the office listening to her catchphrases: "that's ridiculous", "you're wrong" "you have to..." "they don't know what they're talking about". She doesn't talk in an office voice - she talks at the top of her lungs the whole time.

When I say that she has a go at me about absolutely everything I do, I mean what I say. From the beginning, when she asks me about my weekend, etc., and I say I did x, y and z, she says I should do y, z and x. I'm stupid if I work lunch to get something done, and I'm an idiot if I leave at 5.30pm without clearing my desk. She asks me about what I did the previous evening and if I say I went to yoga she'll say that I'm wasting my time and better off going for a run. If I meet friends, she'll say I should be doing a class and improving myself and I can meet my friends at the weekend. If I do a class, she'll say it's the wrong one. No matter what I say, she'll tear it apart. I am so tired of this! I know she's wrong, but it's very exhausting to hear this day after day. I try to avoid her questions anymore, but it doesn't stop her. I have said all of this to her, but she won't stop. She's "keeping it real." It would be funny, and it will be funny some day, but, right now, I'm at my wit's end.



I'm concerned about this too. I know that people have worse problems out there than I do and I don't have it so bad, but I'm feeling really crap about everything at the moment. It really has happened in the last while. It probably doesn't sound so bad on paper, but living it has become a nightmare that's just becoming worse and worse every day. My working hours are long at the moments so they make up a big part of my life. When I spend 10+ hours unhappy, it's difficult to drag myself back up for the rest of the day. I think the worst thing is, as I said in my earlier post, is that it's changing me into a person that I don't want to be, and no matter how hard I try during the evenings and weekends, I have become withdrawn and introverted. It's a mess. This is not who I am.

hi op

im going to be very frank, you need to leave this place of work , take it from someone who had thier life ruined by a workplace bully , your colleague is an out and out control freak , she doesnt just try and mirco manage your work routine , she trys to micro manage if not re-engineer your whole personality , people like her are very dangerous , they second guess everything thing you say and do , they destroy your self confidence and self esteem and baschically turn you into a nervous wreck , thier arrogance and self righteousness is no profound , that they actually believe they have a duty to remould you according to how they see fit and will accuse you of arrogance if you dare suggest that they mind thier own business , theese self appointed judge ,jury and executioners are nasty and wicked people , i know you may not like the idea of giving in by leaving but you need to pick your battles in this life , people like your colleague can not be reasoned with , they are not interested in equality or fair play , they want to dominate and control you absolutley and will not stop untill they have broken your spirit and mind , your mental health is very prescious , get away from this toxic individual before its too late

Zen65

DifferentPerson wrote: »

When I say she's talking, I mean she's shouting. She's a very intelligent person and can give good advice, but she knows it and is very sure that what she says is right So, everything she says is shouted. I spend my days in the office listening to her catchphrases: "that's ridiculous", "you're wrong" "you have to..." "they don't know what they're talking about". She doesn't talk in an office voice - she talks at the top of her lungs the whole time.

Hi Op and thanks for the extra information; it paints a much more complete picture.

As I try to envision your surroundings I am struck by the possibility that this colleague has been in the job longer than you, or that she is the eldest of her family and has become accustomed to giving advice, whether or not it has been sought. Her preferred role is to be the person who gives good advice, and by your own admission she can. Of course, she also over-steps the mark because she cannot see it, so she offers advice where it's just not wanted - including advice about your personal life.

If I were to guess, I'd say not everything in her own life is rosy, but she compensates for the things that are not working for her by increasing the amount of advice she gives.

People who act this way find it very difficult to stop doing it. If she isn't giving advice she is unsure what her role is. Moreover she is afraid somebody else will offer advice and her position will be undermined. Understanding this about her may help you to understand how to deal with her. You will not be able to stop her behaviour, but you can learn to re-direct it.

DifferentPerson wrote: »

When I say that she has a go at me about absolutely everything I do, I mean what I say. From the beginning, when she asks me about my weekend, etc., and I say I did x, y and z, she says I should do y, z and x. I'm stupid if I work lunch to get something done, and I'm an idiot if I leave at 5.30pm without clearing my desk. She asks me about what I did the previous evening and if I say I went to yoga she'll say that I'm wasting my time and better off going for a run. If I meet friends, she'll say I should be doing a class and improving myself and I can meet my friends at the weekend. If I do a class, she'll say it's the wrong one. No matter what I say, she'll tear it apart. I am so tired of this! I know she's wrong, but it's very exhausting to hear this day after day. I try to avoid her questions anymore, but it doesn't stop her. I have said all of this to her, but she won't stop. She's "keeping it real." It would be funny, and it will be funny some day, but, right now, I'm at my wit's end.

Yes, someday you will look back at the situation you're in now and see the funny side of it, but to get to that place you need to develop coping mechanisms for dealing with her. Firstly understand that she is probably not actually criticising your lifestyle choices, though is sounds as though she is. She is trying to maintain her position in the relationship to be where she is comfortable. This is how she communicates with her siblings so it is her learned pattern of behaviour. Unlike her younger brothers & sisters you are not looking for guidance, but she does not know how to have a conversation without being in that role.

Take some of the stress out of it for yourself. Firstly, understand that you don't need to allow yourself to feel stressed as a result of these conversations, if you play the game to some extent yourself:

• Acknowledge her "good advice" when she gives it to others, but not when she gives it to you. Subconsciously she will find it less rewarding to offer advice to you, and she may curtail that action a little.
• When she asks you about your activities etc, include a question in your response. Your strategy is to give her a lead to talk about herself rather than to talk about you. For example if she asks what you did for the weekend, your response might be "I went shopping to XXX, have you been there yourself?"
• In your head, treat these conversations as a game where the object is to let her get into a monologue about herself. As she talks about herself, ask her further questions: "...and did you enjoy it?", "...how did you find that?", "..where did you hear about ZZZ?"
• When she starts offering you unwelcome advice don't respond to it, but instead change the topic to a neutral topic. So for example she says "That blue dress is very ageing on you, I'd say you should stick to earthy colours" you could respond with "speaking of ageing, did you see the wrinkles on Simon Cowell last night?"

Don't get drawn into arguments, just maintain a cool exterior and keep subtly working to direct her to talking about herself. It's not pleasant to hear somebody talk endlessly about themselves, but it's far easier than having them offer advice about you.

DifferentPerson wrote: »

I think the worst thing is, as I said in my earlier post, is that it's changing me into a person that I don't want to be, and no matter how hard I try during the evenings and weekends, I have become withdrawn and introverted. It's a mess. This is not who I am.

I think a part of the problem is that you see yourself in a helpless role here. You've tried the HR department and they won't do anything about it because the issues here are not bullying / harassment, nor anything they've been trained to cope with (which is quite limited, usually). The issue is that this colleague is wearing you down and you don't have a coping mechanism. Make a shift in your head, and see this as a challenge to develop your conflict and coping skills. Practise the techniques I suggested above, and even play with them a bit (e.g. sometimes when she speaks loud, try whispering in response.... if she asks "why are you whispering?" you respond with "why were you shouting?").

It's not a battle. Battles have winners and losers. You are simply employing strategies to keep yourself from being the victim. This woman does not mean you any harm I'm fairly sure. She's acting out the role she has learned to play from an early age. She misjudges your reaction as being something she can make better with more advice. I believe that it is your reaction to her behaviour which is giving you this feeling of losing the person you are. But if you step away from the passive, victim-like behaviour and instead try a behaviour which gives you more control over what's going on you will find that you are less inclined to withdraw into yourself after work.

You need to put effort into your evenings and weekends, and staying in contact with friends. Of course you cannot cry on their shoulders every time you meet, but the truth is that once you seize back control of the work relationship you won't need to. Enjoy the company of people who just want to hang out with you, because that's the most relaxing thing you can do.

And lastly (at the risk of over-stepping the mark myself) be sure that each week incorporates some level of exercise, because you need a physical release from your frustrations, not to mention that you will benefit mentally and physically in terms of health.


Be at peace,


Z

Zen65

niceguest wrote: »

hi op

im going to be very frank, you need to leave this place of work , take it from someone who had thier life ruined by a workplace bully , your colleague is an out and out control freak , she doesnt just try and mirco manage your work routine , she trys to micro manage if not re-engineer your whole personality

This really would be a last step. If you walk away from the job at this stage you could undermine your self-confidence to the point where you will withdraw further into yourself.

Take comfort however, from the knowledge that this option is there. Let that comfort help you to have the courage to try alternate strategies (as outlined in my previous post).

Be at peace,

Z

strandroad

One word - headphones. Just tell her "sorry X, I need to concentrate now, I have loads of work", give her a nice smile, put them on and work away. You need to take control of your interactions. At the moment she is controlling your contact, show her where the limits are. Talk to her when you want to, not when she does.

lordgoat

being honest i feel for you, i don't like the vast majority of people i don't work with so i tell them nothing about me.

were i you i'd respond to all her questions by a) ignoring it - as in say absolutely nothing or b) or reply 'sure no matter what i did over the weekend, you won't approve so...'

or just tell her outrageous lies. I'm a big fan of lies. the bigger the better. (only in the workplace and not in relation to your actual job)

I am a friend

Just tell her you are too busy to talk.

LegacyUser

A couple of people said just ignore her. Good advice.
If you are having a hard time personally at the moment, you may be making her a focal point for all your issues and turning her into a monster when really she's just a bit of a eejit?

Any conversation that starts that you are uncomfortable with just divert it and then end the conversation. You could do this by leaving the room, toilet, canteen, 'phone call to make here', remain professional but un-engaging.
If you can get enough space between you, she may either stop trying or you may find that you feel much more in control and it isn't bothering you so much.

Hope things get better for you

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

Hi Op and thanks for the extra information; it paints a much more complete picture.

As I try to envision your surroundings I am struck by the possibility that this colleague has been in the job longer than you, or that she is the eldest of her family and has become accustomed to giving advice, whether or not it has been sought. Her preferred role is to be the person who gives good advice, and by your own admission she can. Of course, she also over-steps the mark because she cannot see it, so she offers advice where it's just not wanted - including advice about your personal life.

If I were to guess, I'd say not everything in her own life is rosy, but she compensates for the things that are not working for her by increasing the amount of advice she gives.

People who act this way find it very difficult to stop doing it. If she isn't giving advice she is unsure what her role is. Moreover she is afraid somebody else will offer advice and her position will be undermined. Understanding this about her may help you to understand how to deal with her. You will not be able to stop her behaviour, but you can learn to re-direct it.



Yes, someday you will look back at the situation you're in now and see the funny side of it, but to get to that place you need to develop coping mechanisms for dealing with her. Firstly understand that she is probably not actually criticising your lifestyle choices, though is sounds as though she is. She is trying to maintain her position in the relationship to be where she is comfortable. This is how she communicates with her siblings so it is her learned pattern of behaviour. Unlike her younger brothers & sisters you are not looking for guidance, but she does not know how to have a conversation without being in that role.

Take some of the stress out of it for yourself. Firstly, understand that you don't need to allow yourself to feel stressed as a result of these conversations, if you play the game to some extent yourself:

• Acknowledge her "good advice" when she gives it to others, but not when she gives it to you. Subconsciously she will find it less rewarding to offer advice to you, and she may curtail that action a little.
• When she asks you about your activities etc, include a question in your response. Your strategy is to give her a lead to talk about herself rather than to talk about you. For example if she asks what you did for the weekend, your response might be "I went shopping to XXX, have you been there yourself?"
• In your head, treat these conversations as a game where the object is to let her get into a monologue about herself. As she talks about herself, ask her further questions: "...and did you enjoy it?", "...how did you find that?", "..where did you hear about ZZZ?"
• When she starts offering you unwelcome advice don't respond to it, but instead change the topic to a neutral topic. So for example she says "That blue dress is very ageing on you, I'd say you should stick to earthy colours" you could respond with "speaking of ageing, did you see the wrinkles on Simon Cowell last night?"

Don't get drawn into arguments, just maintain a cool exterior and keep subtly working to direct her to talking about herself. It's not pleasant to hear somebody talk endlessly about themselves, but it's far easier than having them offer advice about you.



I think a part of the problem is that you see yourself in a helpless role here. You've tried the HR department and they won't do anything about it because the issues here are not bullying / harassment, nor anything they've been trained to cope with (which is quite limited, usually). The issue is that this colleague is wearing you down and you don't have a coping mechanism. Make a shift in your head, and see this as a challenge to develop your conflict and coping skills. Practise the techniques I suggested above, and even play with them a bit (e.g. sometimes when she speaks loud, try whispering in response.... if she asks "why are you whispering?" you respond with "why were you shouting?").

It's not a battle. Battles have winners and losers. You are simply employing strategies to keep yourself from being the victim. This woman does not mean you any harm I'm fairly sure. She's acting out the role she has learned to play from an early age. She misjudges your reaction as being something she can make better with more advice. I believe that it is your reaction to her behaviour which is giving you this feeling of losing the person you are. But if you step away from the passive, victim-like behaviour and instead try a behaviour which gives you more control over what's going on you will find that you are less inclined to withdraw into yourself after work.

You need to put effort into your evenings and weekends, and staying in contact with friends. Of course you cannot cry on their shoulders every time you meet, but the truth is that once you seize back control of the work relationship you won't need to. Enjoy the company of people who just want to hang out with you, because that's the most relaxing thing you can do.

And lastly (at the risk of over-stepping the mark myself) be sure that each week incorporates some level of exercise, because you need a physical release from your frustrations, not to mention that you will benefit mentally and physically in terms of health.


Be at peace,


Z

while your post sounds good , its stretching credibility to suggest this office is tyrant has anything but malevolent wishes , she wants to dominate the OP and gets a kick out of micro managing her every waking hour , it doesnt help anyone to be an appologist for such an unpleasant individual , the OP would only be lowering herself and showing weakness by acknowledging the bullys strenghts , bullys dont want equality between staff members , they want to rule with an iron fist , you cannot appeal to thier better nature as they dont have a better nature , they are driven by malice and cynicism and must either be destroyed or avoided and the only way you can destroy them is by becoming as mean spirited as they are so you end up ( as the OP put it ) becoming someone you dont like , walking away is the only sensible sollution here

OP , i had a devastating experience when i was a twenty year old working overseas with a workplace bully , it triggered a reaction in me emotionally which changed my life forever , granted the bullying was primarily driven by sectarianism but the principal is the same , some people are bad to the bone and should be given a wide berth

Zen65

niceguest wrote: »

OP , i had a devastating experience when i was a twenty year old working overseas with a workplace bully , it triggered a reaction in me emotionally which changed my life forever , granted the bullying was primarily driven by sectarianism but the principal is the same , some people are bad to the bone and should be given a wide berth

Hi niceguest, sorry to read of your experience.

Behaviour which is driven by a political or religious motivation is very different to the problem which the OP has posted. In your case the motivation was of course malevolent, but the story that Op tells contains no such evidence. What I read from the story is that the colleague is simply a busy-body who derives her satisfaction from holding a position where her advice gives her status. If it were not so annoying it would be harmless.


Z

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

OP again.

Well, I have to say that I wasn't expecting such good advice and posts from people who have had similar experiences. I was having a bit of a vent initially, but I'm really glad I did.

Zen - I think I'll be taking some of the things you said into my life overall, and not just in relation to this situation!!

What I've done, be it right or wrong, is hand in my notice. I know that it may seem like letting this get to me when it could be resolved, and cutting off my nose to spite my face, but, I have given this an awful lot of thought.

I know that, had things been different, I probably would have stayed in the same place indefinitely, but, this may be a blessing in disguise. Having worked in this place for the vast majority of my working life, one of the biggest worries about quitting is fear of the unknown - I'm taking this new step now.

I don't have anything lined up - and I know this is ill-advised. But, be that as it may, I'm doing it. I have more interviews lined up next week and I'm confident enough (as confident as one can be in these days), that I'll get something before my notice period is over.

Feel really happy about making a positive step!

Zen65

DifferentPerson wrote: »

Feel really happy about making a positive step!

Good for you Op.

I had thought that some of your earlier language suggested a passive trait, but you've stepped up and taken control of the situation with both hands. Make sure to focus on that happy feeling as you seek out new job possibilities, because it will not necessarily be an easy path that you have chosen, and you will need to motivate yourself from time to time. It does sound as though you have ignited a fire in yourself and that alone will keep you going.

Do keep us informed of your progress from time to time.

Be at peace,

Z

Firetrap

Best of luck to you, OP. I hope you get another job soon and that it's a happier place for you than where you are now. Don't let this unpleasant experience be in vain though. Chances are that over time you will encounter more colleagues who will be pains in the backside. Don't let any of them get to you the way this woman did. Take on board the advice that people gave you here - it might come in very handy for you in the future.

I am a friend

Op you need to take this time to build up your strength again as there will always be people in work that we don't get along with and you can't keep moving job to avoid people..

Good luck