jealous

zara86

so my bf and i have been together about 3 1/2 years. we werent together last year because of the distance and neither of us could move due to work but were hoping to move closer in a few months. he ended up getting with another girl and i handled it very badly and told him it would be the end of us. he still picked her and i took him back when she dumped him...:rolleyes: i do i love him alot

we dont get to see each other as often as id like now due to commitments so were still doing long distance and i feel like ive lost all trust in him after he started dating that other girl. we had no agreement to see other people but i had mentioned being asked on a date a few months prior (i wasnt going on it) and he basically said we'd be over if i did.

anyways now i feel so jealous and insecure. every time i see him talking to girls on facebook im wondering if hes going to cheat on me with them. lately he added a girl from his job on there and shes gorgeous, massive bust (my bfs favorite part on a girl), naturally pretty, and she broke up with her bf recently. hes always commenting on her profile (it shows up on my newsfeed) and liking her status and i know shes his "type".

they see each other a few times a week at work and im starting to build it all up in my head that hes going to cheat on me with her or string me along until he can get with her. i know thats awful to be thinking but i cant help it..in previous relationships i never had any issues with jealousy at all and my exes all had plenty of female friends and i wouldnt of cared about this stuff. a few nights ago we were texting and he was taking ages to reply so i mentioned we could talk another time if he was busy and he said sorry he was falling asleep and i said alright talk later and he said goodnight....then about 20 mins later on FB he leaves a comment on that girls status! it really hurt me because i felt like he didnt want to talk to me but did her..

i think im being too overdramatic and reading too much into everytihng..maybe..but i cant help it. the comments arent anything flirty for the most part. she mentioned her laptop broke and he said it must be from watching porn then oh no you dont take your work home with you...

its driving me mad and i know im going to end up ruining our relationship because of my jealousy and insecurities..any advice.. i do love him to bits :(

Big Bag of Chips

You've a right to be suspicious. He doesn't want a long distance relationship. He has also proven he can't be trusted in a long distance relationship.

Why didn't you challenge him on posting when he told you he was tired and going to bed? It seems you are afraid to challenge him on anything incase he leaves you. That's not healthy in a relationship. You need to be comfortable with your bf, and feel secure enough to say anything.

I would suggest long distance doesn't suit you guys. I would tell him this and say you are finishing it for the moment, and maybe when you live closer together again, you could hook up again.

If it's meant to be it'll happen. If it's not meant to be then you won't waste your time "waiting" for him, when he's not necessarily committed to waiting for you.

zara86

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You've a right to be suspicious. He doesn't want a ling distance relationship. He has also proven he can't be trusted in a long distance relationship.

Why didn't you challenge him on posting when he told you he was tired and going to bed? It seems you are afraid to challenge him in anything incase he leaves you. That's not healthy in a relationship. You need to be comfortable with your bf, and feel secure enough to say anything.

I would suggest long distance doesn't suit you guys. I would tell him this and say you are finishing it for the moment, and maybe when you live closer together again, you could hook up again.

If it's meant to be it'll happen. If it's not meant to be then you won't waste your time "waiting" for him, when he's not necessarily committed to waiting for you.

i did...we had a big fight after it and he said i was the one who said goodnight/talk later first, that he was still texting me, but he said he would have still talked to me..yet he didnt say we could continue texting after i said talk later, he just said goodnight.. things are still rough between us, i mentioned that i feel like he might be interested in someone else and he said he only wants me and im the love of his life... before all of this i mentioned to him that i was feeling a bit unwanted..like he doesnt show much affection unless its in person, a text now and then to say hes thinking of me or something simple like that would mean the world to me. he says he loves me but usually when the conversation isnt going anywhere,its like he doesnt know what to say so he'll say that.

i love him to bits and really want to work at this..

zara86

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hmmm... well the porn comment was a bit much, I think. Is he naturally a bit of a joker?

And the being too tired to talk to you and fine to stay up and chat to her... I'd be really hurt by that.

I can see how insecure you are, but the bottom line is, if he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat regardless of you getting yourself into a state over it.

I'm sorry that I don't know what to actually suggest as if you confront him, he will probably just say you are being overdramatic and they are just friends.

It sounds like you are a convenient back-up

Hopefully someone else will be along soon with a bit more advice. Suffice to say, from what you have said, it does sound as if he was flirting with her with the porn comment. I'm sorry

i thought the porn comment was along the lines of flirting too but i guess i needed someone else to confirm it him talking to her after saying he was going to sleep to me, that hurt me the most. when i mentioned it to him he said he had his phone in bed with him and it was just a comment, not a conversation, but thats not the point.

Big Bag of Chips

It's very difficult to work at when there's no one on one contact. In fairness if you said "good night" first, you can't expect him to be a mind reader and realise that you actually want to stay talking.

In long distance because there is no physical contact, there has to be very very clear communication.

You can't blame him for not guessing what you like if you've said something else.

Do you text him to say you love him? Does he respond? I know I tell my husband I love him, more than he tells me. And he would never think if saying it first!

You need to have better communication with him. That's the only way it will work.

zara86

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's very difficult to work at when there's no one on one contact. In fairness if you said "good night" first, you can't expect him to be a mind reader and realise that you actually want to stay talking.

In long distance because there is no physical contact, there has to be very very clear communication.

You can't blame him for not guessing what you like if you've said something else.

Do you text him to say you love him? Does he respond? I know I tell my husband I love him, more than he tells me. And he would never think if saying it first!

You need to have better communication with him. That's the only way it will work.

i text him quite a lot telling him i love him, want him, miss him, etc. he texts saying he misses me sometimes or that he wants to see me but when we first started falling for each other id wake up in the morning and have really sweet texts from him, that was years ago but i do miss it.


the convo went kind of like.. me: you're taking a while to reply, if you're busy we can talk another time, him: sorry, im just drifting in and out of sleep here, me: okay ill let you sleep then, him: goodnight....or something along the lines of that. maybe i am in the wrong? but he used to text me all day, and lately its less and less. that day in particular i had sent him a few texts and he didnt reply until the late evening because he had a nap after work..yet by 10.30pm he was falling asleep again? it made me paranoid because i dont know anyone who naps for three hours in the evening then feels that tired by early night..i just felt like he didnt want to talk to me.

zara86

sunflower27 wrote: »

I get you want it to work, but it can't all be from you. He has to want to make the effort as well.

If you are feeling unloved and he knows that and still does nothing to make you feel loved, then maybe it is time to really think is this enough for you.

My last ex was very emotionally challenged. At times I didn't know where I stood and it was a really lonely place to be.

The porn comment is dubious. In saying that, the previous guy that lived with me obviously downloaded loads of stuff off the internet before he moved out as my monthly bill that is normally 20e was 100e. I mentioned it to my new flatmate and his immediate response was 'oh, he must have had a good porn session'.... and I know for a fact he wasn't flirting with me.

What is your gut feeling? I always listen to mine and generally am right.

my gut feeling is that hes flirting with her, but i dont want to seem like a psycho paranoid girlfriend if i confront him he used to joke like that with me but i never see him do it with any of his other friends on facebook. he does tell me he misses me and wants to see me, and when we are together in person he makes me feel really loved, things feel perfect. its just this girl..im so jealous because i know physically shes better looking than me and has a better body, and they seem to click personality wise as well. i could be completely wrong too..maybe she is just a friend and im reading too much into things. maybe i have nothing to worry about. i just love him so much i dont know what to do

zara86

sunflower27 wrote: »

There isn't much you can do. You can tell him your fears and see what he says. He has every right to be friends with her just as you have every right to air your fears.

At least if he knows you are worried he can then tone down the nature of the messages.

Saying you are concerned once does not make you a psycho.

things are kind of rough between us right now after the other night, we had a fight and i basically gave him an easy way out if he wanted it..but hes saying im the love of his life and he never once thought about ending things for any reason and theres no other girl. if i bring up this girl im afraid i will look like a psycho, the porn comment was 2 days ago, it showed up on my newsfeed on fb after he posted it so thats how i seen it, but wouldnt he think well why didnt she mention it then i just dont want to ruin things with him if it is all my head,but at the same time, i feel like im trying to fool myself into thinking he doesnt want her. how would you go about bringing up the subject with him

Kadongy

How long after you split before did he get another girl? If he didn't meet her before you split, or right after, then I dont see that as a reason to distrust him per se. If you split because he wanted to be with her, that would be a reason to distrust him certainly.

You are right to have an issue with the sexual comments to the other girl on facebook. You're right to have an issue with him saying he was going to sleep then messaging her on facebook a while later. What that puts across is that she is more important to him than you are. It is just not nice behaviour.

Dont think you would sound like a psycho if you brought it up tbh. In a way I dont really see the point of doing so though. If he's going to behave like this, he's going to behave like this. No point trying to control him. Just accept and feel crap aabout yourself or exercise self respect and dont accept it. He's clearly making you feel bad about yourself, and this is reflected in the way you seem to be more inclined to view yourself as in the wrong for being upset by his sh!tty behaviour, than to view him as being in the wrong for behaving in such a sh!tty manner. Do you want to give your care and love and time and energy to someone who just craps on you and leaves you feeling like the asshole for being upset about it?

zara86

Kadongy wrote: »

How long after you split before did he get another girl? If he didn't meet her before you split, or right after, then I dont see that as a reason to distrust him per se. If you split because he wanted to be with her, that would be a reason to distrust him certainly.

You are right to have an issue with the sexual comments to the other girl on facebook. You're right to have an issue with him saying he was going to sleep then messaging her on facebook a while later. What that puts across is that she is more important to him than you are. It is just not nice behaviour.

Dont think you would sound like a psycho if you brought it up tbh. In a way I dont really see the point of doing so though. If he's going to behave like this, he's going to behave like this. No point trying to control him. Just accept and feel crap aabout yourself or exercise self respect and dont accept it. He's clearly making you feel bad about yourself, and this is reflected in the way you seem to be more inclined to view yourself as in the wrong for being upset by his sh!tty behaviour, than to view him as being in the wrong for behaving in such a sh!tty manner. Do you want to give your care and love and time and energy to someone who just craps on you and leaves you feeling like the asshole for being upset about it?

when he met the girl he dated things were rough between us, i was going through some stuff in my own life not related to him and i wasnt really showing much interest in him. there were days when he would try and talk to me but i would be having none of it, so i cant blame him for finding someone else. he didnt go looking for someone else either, she approached him and he took her up on it. not that it makes it any better, but when someones lonely of course theyll like a bit of attention. it just hurt me that he came back to me straight after (the next day after she dumped him) saying he made a mistake, was lonely, and only went with her because i didnt make him feel loved. i do understand that but its just ever since it, i cant help feeling like hes going to give up on us (things do get hard in long distance relationships) and find someone else again.

i really dont know what to do now. thanks for the advice everyone. i feel like getting it off my chest will help me but at the same time, i can predict his reply will be that shes just a friend/im making a big deal out of nothing. and if hes going to flirt with her he can do it in texts, at work or private chat where i wont see it,like you say..theres nothing i can do to stop it.

I just want things to work out for us but at the same time I dont want to spend a few more years with him for him to run off with some other girl. I guess I just need to work out if I will take that chance or not..I do beleive hes the love of my life though, apart from all of this things are ok and when we're together in person he makes me feel wonderful

Kadongy

I will tell you with absolute certainty that he makes other girls feel wonderful when he's with them in person too, and is in the frame of mind to do so.

He dumped you when you needed him the most. When you were going through a rough patch, all he cared about was not getting enough attention from you - not that you were going through a rough patch. Latched onto someone else - while you were together.

He's making you feel very small and is extremely dishonest and unfair with you. I will tell you with absolute certainty that he doesn't care about you at all. That you might as well not exist when he is focused on someone else, making them feel wonderful.

Ovrall he makes you feel small, confused and worthless - not wonderful at all. Please cut him out of your life completely. It will do wonders for your self-respect.

zara86

Kadongy wrote: »

I will tell you with absolute certainty that he makes other girls feel wonderful when he's with them in person too, and is in the frame of mind to do so.

He dumped you when you needed him the most. When you were going through a rough patch, all he cared about was not getting enough attention from you - not that you were going through a rough patch. Latched onto someone else - while you were together.

He's making you feel very small and is extremely dishonest and unfair with you. I will tell you with absolute certainty that he doesn't care about you at all. That you might as well not exist when he is focused on someone else, making them feel wonderful.

Ovrall he makes you feel small, confused and worthless - not wonderful at all. Please cut him out of your life completely. It will do wonders for your self-respect.

im not trying to make excuses but at the time he didnt really know what i was going through, so he probably thought i was losing interest. in the two-three weeks before he got with that girl he had sent me about a dozen texts and two or three emails, i think i responded to one text that said "i love you" and i said i loved him too, and i responded to one email that was basically him telling me how much he wanted to see me again, with one line kind of shooting him down.

i do have a lot to think about though, thank you for your advice. thanks everyone else too,i cant see how to thank posts but i appreciate all advice

I am a friend

Op you are back tracking so you can justify staying with him. He cheated you and chose the other girl. He continues to flirt with other girls and yet you find reasons to defend him - why?

zara86

I am a friend wrote: »

Op you are back tracking so you can justify staying with him. He cheated you and chose the other girl. He continues to flirt with other girls and yet you find reasons to defend him - why?

But IS he flirting with other girls? besides her there was no other girl that he has flirted with (that i know of) and even then,i dont know if it was classed as flirting.it could have been a joke? and i could be wrong, maybe it was flirting, i dont know my heads a mess. i just dont want to make a quick decision and ruin everything with him if im completely wrong, i love him more than anything.

edit:i havent mentioned it to him yet about the comments on her page,should i?we were talking earlier and i said how it still bothered me a bit that he was talking to her after he said he was going to sleep, he said that i was the one who ended the conversation (which is kinda true) and i asked did he have interest in another girl and he said "am i not allowed to have friends now"..he knows im on the verge of ending things now but hes still saying its me he wants and that im reading too much into things..is he right?

I am a friend

It's impossible to know and I suggest you take some time out, let your mind settle and make a calm decision in a few days. Personally I could never forgive a cheat and this is the reason why - it's too hard to have peace afterwards.

zara86

I am a friend wrote: »

It's impossible to know and I suggest you take some time out, let your mind settle and make a calm decision in a few days. Personally I could never forgive a cheat and this is the reason why - it's too hard to have peace afterwards.

i understand, i wouldnt even be here asking this question if i thought he cheated on me, but when he got with that girl we werent together and i was barely talking to him (not his fault, i had a lot going on and just couldnt deal with anyone, i needed time on my own)

i think i will do as you said, take a few days to think everything over and see what happens. thank you

I am a friend

Sorry I read your first post as he had cheated on you - if not, then that Facebook post is not a big deal. he was just slagging her.

seenitall

Hi OP,

Cheating or no cheating, you were his second best before (i.e. he came back to you the moment she dumped him), and with him behaving as disrespectfully towards you as he is (i.e "too sleepy to text you right back in the evening but not too sleepy to leave sex-minded comments on a pretty girl's FB" :rolleyes:), my guess is that is what you remain to him - the second best, the convenient one, the Plan B.

This guy will carry on making you feel wonderful right up until the time a Plan A takes him up on his dirty talk and it leads to more. Then you will be history once more. Aaaaand - rinse and repeat. But perhaps feeling wonderful is worth it all, OP? Only you know the answer to that one.