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Ex is going for full custody
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28-09-2011 4:42pm#1Hi all, I was hoping some of you might be able to help me out with something that is worrying me out of my mind. Perhaps some of you have encountered something similar, and can provide some insight?
I'm currently going through a nasty split with my ex, and he's hell bent on destroying my life. He is definitely trying to hurt me, but is dragging my children through the gutter in order to do so. He's told me that he's claiming I hit or assaulted one of my children, and that I drink heavily. Neither of which are true, but how do I prove other wise? I'm at my wits end over this.
Before our relationship ended (I ended it) I was very depressed, and was in counselling and on medication. He seems to be trying to say I'm crazy and an incompetent mother. Since we split, he has threatened to do this before, but seems to be actually following it through now. During the time when I was in counseling, other services were offered to me which were very helpful to me at the time. I was offered assistance for someone to come to my home and help me out, and the services of a social worker. I declined the home help as I felt it wasn't needed, however I did ask to meet with a social worker to talk about how the split was going and how I was handling it with the children, and he said I was doing it by the book and was happy with how I was dealing with it. The children have always been my highest priority in all of this, and are happy and healthy. To reinforce my positive attitude about all of this with the kids, I've even enrolled them in the Rainbows programme in their schools, which is designed for children who have either lost a parent through death or separation.
During the time when I was in counseling and visiting the social worker, my ex threatened me with this. I took made an appointment with the social worker, as I wanted to tell him what was being said about me, and for him to see the children himself. I also welcomed him to come to my home to see the set up for himself. He was quite happy with having spoken to the children, and remarked they were lovely happy children, and that a home visit wasn't needed, and that he could see it was a bitter stunt on my exes part.
I've represented myself in court for previous matters with my ex, but he's saying he's going after the kids now (that comes with an evil laugh I might add). Can he get away with this? do I need a solicitor? It will have to be legal aid if so, as I have very little money.
I just don't know how to handle this. can anyone help me out with this one?
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Thank you both for your replies
It is very much so a bullying tactic, but it's such a dangerous game he's playing, and it's scaring me because it concerns my children. Taltos, I'm glad your sister came out of it all okay, it is an unnerving situation to be in.
I will have to apply for legal aid, and see if someone can help me, and I will go back to my social worker and tell him he's up to his old tricks again. I'm just astounded that someone can make claims like this. I know everything has to be taken very seriously, as it involves the welfare of children, but I feel absolutely wretched thinking people would believe I'm anything like that. I have it tough enough on my own, this is the very last thing I need.
He's also threatening to have my home taken off me into the bargain. He honestly doesn't care how all of this is effecting the kids. To be honest, they do not even want to see him for how he has treated them in the past, and it's by no influence of mine.
He knows their welfare and happiness is so important to me, thats why he's targeting them. He treated them badly in the past, badgering them with questions about me, and refusing maintenance. He himself is being treated for a drink problem, yet he has the audacity to claim I have.
It's an absolute nightmare all of this 0 -
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Make a diary - keep it secure and safe.
Keep a record of every single thing he does.
In my sister's case she also had to go to the gardai - was a total nightmare.
Social were great though.
Keep your head, keep reminding yourself that if he is an alcoholic - then he is probably living in a drink addled world, one you are better off out of.
Be strong - be prepared for him to escalate and start telling crazier stories - just remember - it will only affect you if you let it.
Really recommend counselling though - my sister did come through - but barely - and without the counselling I would hate to guess at the shape she would be in.
I will keep a record Taltos, thats a good idea. You said your sister had to go to the gardai, was that in relation to his claims? It's extremely hard not to let it get to you, when it involves your kids
You are right though, I should go to counseling for some support on this. I'm at my wits end, and really need to talk to someone about this. I haven't told my parents about this, I know my mother would go absolutely berserk with worry. It is likely that he will get dirtier alright, as he knows I now have a new partner.0 -
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Ahh god love you, he sounds like a nasty piece of work. And very bitter. My two cents iis that you shouldnt be worried about having seen a counsellor before as this shows willingness to deal with your problems and over all responsibility. And if the social worker has been and was happy with everything and he knows your situation with the ex then he will be able to give his input was there a case in the future. You seem to be doing everything right for yourself and the kids and that will be seen. I know its easy to say but try not to worry. He is being vindictive and bitter and this will be able to be seen by experienced professionals who have seen all this type of thing many times before. Best of luck with it all and take care.
Thanks for your kind words qwerty You know, what hurts me the most is how he has treated the kids. Whenever he speaks to me, it is to throw abuse at me, not to ask how the kids are. I knew when I was with him he was a bully, very controlling and obsessive. Since I ended things, I'm really seeing the monster he really is, and how twisted he can be. It is honestly scary, both for me and for my children. Because he is so dismissive of the children and so focused on me I'm actually scared of him having them, even for a few hours. He's not right in the head, and his only priority is to either get me to take him back or screw me over in every way possible. I was very young when I met him, and stupid. I took his obsessive nature to mean he just cared about me. When I started being on the receiving ends of his fists, my self esteem was already so low I had no motivation to change, and believed I wouldn't get by on my own. I was in and out of depression for years over it, and then whatever clicked with me last year - I was hell bent to change the path I was on for the sake of my two kids. I know of a few women who 'stayed' and their lives are no better for it, constant trouble.
I know I've made the right choice, because my kids are thriving and they've a happy home with no arguments, just a mother who loves them. I know my exes thinking, I had the audacity to finish with him, so now I have to pay for it. I met someone new since, and he's a kind, good hearted man, and very patient with my situation. I don't want to be whining all the time to him about this, though I can't pretend everything is alright either.
Anyway, I'm going to try get in touch with the social worker who I was dealing with. Hopefully he will be able to do or say something to put my mind to rest. It's so hard not to worry about all of this, though I am trying.
Thanks for your replies everyone x0 -
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Of course I'm not denying their his children. The only reason I refer to them as 'my children' is because I'm extremely protective of them, and I'm scared for them at this point.homerjay2005 wrote: »what stands out here several times for me is your reference to "my children". are they not his also?
My 'previous mental health issues'? I don't mean to be rude, but have you read all of my posts? The only reason I needed counseling was because I was being mentally and physically abused, and bullied into staying in the home. Since I threw out my ex I'm perfectly happy, and I've a serene environment for the children at last. Again, I'm not being rude, but the fact that I received counseling is EXACTLY the kind of crap he is using against me in order to take the children from me.you both seem to have issues that are not ideal for the children, his aggression towards you, your previous health/mental issues.maybe he has seen things that he believes are not ideal for the children and he feels he is not exaggerating. either way, i am sure the right outcome will happen, if he is lying, then this willl become clear.
how is he with the children, is he a good father and, is he doing this to get at you or does he genuinely want the children?
No, his concern is not for the children. He is claiming that I assaulted or hit one of the kids some time ago, he hasn't seen them recently. If he genuinely thought that, then why didn't he act upon it when he claimed it happened? If he hurt one of the kids I would have gone to the police without any hesitation. He has not asked to see the children, and I've had to go to court for maintenance because he wasn't paying a cent towards them. Does that really sound like someone who is genuinely concerned for their welfare? He has no interest in them.C-J wrote:Op I really feel for you. Count your lucky stars you're out of that situation, your kids are number one and I applaud you for your strength. Please keep us updated x
It wasn't easy CJ, but I know I did the right thing. I will come back and say how I'm getting on, thank you 0 -
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Hey OP,
Sorry to be blunt but he's talking out of his ass. He's a f*cking pschyo by the sounds of it. Don't let him upset you!!! You have the ovaries, in Family Law in Ireland that's really what counts. Sexist and all as it is, women hold all the cards. Go and get a solictor, there's no way you can represent yourself in court as he obviously has the power to turn you into a wreck and you don't want that to happen in court. So yeah go get a legal representative and get the FACTS, once you realise he can't take away your kids or your house and will have to pay maintenence, the power he has over you to scare the crap out of you will turn into a laughing matter on your part. I've seen enough of these scenarios play out to be confidence in telling you that it's all going to work out fine for you. Follow all the other posters tips, i.e. keep a diary etc.
Best of luck to you and the kids.
Thanks Curlzy. Well this is what Im hoping, that it's just him spitting venom. He maintains he's been to his solicitor about all of this, and said he's going after the kids. He also asked me to not go through with another two cases against him, where he can't come near me or my home (theres background to that one). While he asked me to do that, he told me his solicitor was going to try have my case quashed and had 'evidence' to. I have no idea what he's barking on about. He' basically has a load of tricks up his sleeve and is trying everything he can to destroy me, all the while not asking how the kids are, or how they're getting on at school - nothing. I was hoping after some time he'd come around and focus on the kids, nearly a year has passed and theres no sign of this, just more bitterness and court cases. I never let on to the kids, but I'm desperately disappointed for them, I hate to think they feel rejected by him.sunflower27 wrote:Just to add OP, I was in a terrible relationship about 5 years ago. Had bought a house with the guiy and then one night he totally flipped and was physically violent.
I remember feeling totally lost. Couldn't bring myself to tell family (they live on the other side of the world and would have only worried) and wondered how I would get through it all - selling the house we had only been in a matter of months.
It was one of the lowest points in my life, but I knew that there would be an end to it - and there was.
No matter how low you get, hold on to the thought you are doing the right thing for you and your children and there will be happiness again for you. xx
I can only imagine how stranded you felt Sunflower, I'm very sorry to hear what happened to you. I'm just glad you never had children with him, you can never really get away from him if there are children in the picture. I've often said to my family that only for my kids I would have fled the country after being with my ex. It is what it is I suppose. You've been a great support Sunflower, many thanks 0 -
You know what? I think he is actually spiteful enough to do it alright. He's so angry with me, he's acting now and will think later.sunflower27 wrote: »You're welcome, OP
If I were you, I'd silently be calling his bluff. Does he really want to be on his own looking after the children and all the commitment that comes with being a full-time single parent?You hold your head high, the dark clouds will pass, but you are in the thick of it now so it may be hard to see that things will improve.
I'd also be doing my best if I was you to not get dragged into emotional conflicts that he can gain satisfaction from. If he knows his threats aren't getting the desired response (i.e. you fretting) he will be less inclined to bother with them.
I think we often underestimate how strong we are. I know I did. That was all years ago for me and I am far from sad about it. I am grateful I got myself through it and yes, very grateful we did not have children as I could walk away once all the legal stuff was sorted and never look back.
Like me, you will one day look back on your experience, give a big sigh of relief and think 'God, I made it through that... I can get through anything now'
I know you're right, though as you said, when you're in the middle of it all it's very difficult to see clearly. Re calling his bluff, I don't think I've any alternative other than to treat this as a real threat. If I'm unprepared, he may very well have his way.0 -
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sunflower27 wrote: »Sorry, you read me wrong. I mean silently as do as you are doing, but know that more than likely when the anger subsides he is not going to want to be looking after the children full-time on his own.
He may believe it now, but he probably hasn't let the anger subside enough to see how much hard work it will be for him on his own. You get me?
I do get you I'd like to think that his anger will subside, I'm not too sure about that though. He's extremely juvenile, and has bitched about me and told lies about me to his entire family. He will never get over this grudge he has against me, I'll always be a 'the bitch' for ending it.I know it is awful. I had nights where I would cry myself to sleep thinking why me? Why this situation (I had to sleep with the door locked as he refused to move out while we had the house on the market and I was afraid for my life some nights). Or I was sleeping on friend's couches. I really saw no end to the misery but it DOES end.
Whenever I am in a situation now that upsets me, I think back to that time and know that I will be OK.
That sounds horrific Sunflower Although, little does he know he's made you a stronger person xYou probably aren't even able to see that you deserve credit for how well you are actually coping.
When he's not stirring things up for me, I am quite proud of myself for battling it alone. I'm really enjoying the peace I have with my kids now, and they're very happy. I do know this is because of what I've done. I used to be so afraid to take that step, I feel silly now. I suppose it was a much scarier move when they were babies, but they're that little bit older and I'm able to explain to them why things are they way they are. They've fully accepted that it's just me and them now, and as I said, they're content with things. Thanks Sunflowerwompa wrote:Can I ask the obvious question, not that it really matters. But why is he so angry? Relationships end all the time. My current relationship ended 2 days ago. I'm not wigging out. The only ex I hold any resentment towards is one that cheated on me, broke my heart and has been doing some bad things in her everyday life.
Is there anything he may just resent you for that you could put to bed with him? Maybe save yourself all of this abuse. It would be better to resolve things amicably as you'll have to see each other for the kids sake.
You're mostly right here wompa. The thing is, my ex since day one was always a very insecure, and paranoid, very possessive to boot. He went crazy if a guy even some much as looked in my general direction, and started arguments in pubs for the same reason. He really is not a nice character. His attitude would be if he can't have me, then nobody else will. I distinctly remember one comment he made to me many years ago, after he bashed my face in so badly you couldn't see it for all the blood. "I'd like to see him look at you now".
Fast forward to now. He went berserk when I ended the relationship, and then totally lost the plot altogether when he found out some time later that I'd met someone. I took things very slowly with my partner to begin with, and kept this from my ex. After quite a while, when I felt it was time to introduce my new partner to my children, I knew I would have to say something to my ex in case one of the children mentioned him. As you can imagine, this was like pouring petrol on the fire. He bombarded them with questions about me and my partner, and verbally abused them for not having the answers he was looking for. He was using his time with them to damage their heads, so I stopped taking the kids to him and told him to apply for access through the courts if he genuinely wanted to spend time with them. They were just coming home traumatized and upset. From what I gather he's sleeping around like theres no tomorrow, but he feels he's entitled to punish me because I've met someone. During a surprise and unfortunate meet with him recently he behaved in a bizarre and creepy way I can't explain, and begged me to take him back. When I told him over and over that there was no way this would happen, he got nasty with me again threatening me with all sorts including taking the children off me.
I fully accept that he is a problem, for life.0 -
sunflower27 wrote: »Good grief! You poor thing. That sounds horrific.
Was the violence against you documented?
I don't think he has a leg to stand on re the custody, but sure, let him make a fool out of himself trying.:rolleyes:
It sounds to me very much like empty threats. As for what he says to his family, who gives a sh*t? I am sure they are well aware of the tyrant he is.
The gardai would have been called a few times, so I suppose they'd have reports on that. I never pressed charges or anything, I was afraid of being on my own with two babies
Well his father is a lovely man, I just hate the idea of him thinking I'm doing / saying the things my ex has said to them all.I am so glad you are away from him now. But obviously, mind yourself... he sounds totally unstable. I hope you are documenting all the threats he is making.
I really feel for your children as well, but they will grow up and thank you for getting them away from that beast.
Just stay strong and do your best to not let him ruin your life for you. He is a miserable, bitter man - that much is obvious - and while there will always have to be a link there re the children, your life is yours to live. Don't let him take any more joy out of it for you. xx
I'll try not, thanks again Sunflower 0 -
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This is precisely it. My ex doesn't care who he hurts along the way. He's angry with me because I ended the relationship, and how dare I do that. I've always been his 'property' in his eyes, and nobody else is allowed to have me. He's aware of my new relationship, and is doing everything in his power to destroy me. I really can't get over the fact that after all of this time, he still hasn't calmed down, digested that I don't want him back. He's actually still asking me to take him back, theres no getting through to him, he's sick in the head.just wanted to reply to this, even though u didnt ask me the question! Its probably because some people are rsentful, bitter and angry and also are unable to let go and so constantly live in the past. Clearly this guy is one of them. These traits also fit with the mental and physical abuse he has put the o.p through. Its all about control, and bullying and abusing someone so they have no confidence or self esteem left. Then they think they deserve the awful treatment they recieve at the hands of the 'one who loves them'
its sad, but true.I am separated from my husband and in alot of ways he sounds like your ex. I know it is easy to say but do NOT give what he is saying a minutes thought. You had your problems- I know I was badly depressed in my marriage as I was being mentally abused- but yous ought the right help and have the social workers are happy- that is all that counts in a court. If he was serious about taking the kids he would've been in court long ago. The likes of him are cowards when it comes to courts- I know I was afraid of my ex but only now am I realising he is a complete coward. As for taking the house off you don't listen to him.
If there is a history of abuse go to guards and make a statement. It will always be on file. And you should look into a restraining order if you are afraid of him.
Remember, he can threaten all he likes, and write all he likes in a solicitor's letter, but until a judge makes a ruling, it is not worth the paper it is written on.
I know you probably have to wait for legal aid but have you contacted your local law centre- they usually have an evening a month where you can go and get a bit of free advice.
Best of luck, I know how you feel in alot of ways and it not easy. In the end, I just left the area. Best thing I EVER did. A bit of distance has made a huge difference for me.
Many thanks for your reply Katie What it annoys me is, theres no consideration whatsoever for what he's putting the kids through JUST to get at me. Like you, I want to leave the area. Two things are standing in the way of that however, the financial side is one and the kids school. They seem quite happy where they are, and I don't want to upset that. That said, everywhere I go I'm being watched by him, his family, and his friends. My heart is torn over the whole thing.
It is extremely hard to not let him get to me, when it effects the kids and his allegations are so serious. I have enough stress in my life, and rarely have a minute to myself. So having to go back to this social worker now is adding more crap to the pile. I hate that I have to do this, forcing me to have to prove I'm a good mother to my children, when everything I do is for them 0 -
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