What will i do?

LegacyUser

Hi.


I'm just gonna keep this short, basically my sister is after getting involved with someone who is bad news, now when she told us we just accepted it we had no choice but she was warned about him from us and alot of other people.

Recently things have been getting worse and i do my best to try and hold my tongue and not say anything because i'm afraid it will just push her towards him more, i just don't know what to do anymore, i can't understand why she can't see him for what he really is.

What will i do, just wait until she sees the light or just give out like mad in the hope that she dumps him?


Thanks

I am a friend

Does he treat her well? Why is he bad news? How old is she?

LegacyUser

No he treats her very badly, he uses her for everything, she drives him everywhere and he doesn't pay a penny, he never buys her anything or contributes in any way, he sponges off her constantly, i also have reason to believe he tries to upset her on purpose just to rise her so he will get a reaction. I have told her time and time again that a man should'nt treat you this way but it's like everything he does is forgiven no matter what.

He's in trouble with the guards but i can't go in to it here, she's 21 but she thinks she knows it all.

I'm at my wits end and so are the rest of my family, we really don't know what we will do next.The weird thing is if i was with someone like him she would be the first to give out.

Chinafoot

Help me 2011 wrote: »

What will i do, just wait until she sees the light or just give out like mad in the hope that she dumps him?


Thanks

I have been where you are OP and I understand how hard it can be to hold your tongue. Unfortunately there isn't really anything you can do. I'm assuming she's over 18? If so, you can't force her to dump him. She has to make her own decisions in life, including her own mistakes.

If he's as bad as you say he is then you need to keep faith that she will eventually see sense. The worst thing you could do is keep on at her to break up with him. Like you said, it will only push her closer to him and could damage her relationship with you and the rest of her family. The last thing you want to do is alienate her and make her feel like she has nobody else but this man.

Just let her know you are there for her and when the (hopefully) inevitable break up happens try to be supportive, and most definitely don't say "I told you so."

LegacyUser

If he's as bad as you say he is then you need to keep faith that she will eventually see sense. The worst thing you could do is keep on at her to break up with him. Like you said, it will only push her closer to him and could damage her relationship with you and the rest of her family. The last thing you want to do is alienate her and make her feel like she has nobody else but this man.


I have tried my best to do this but these days i am becoming so frustated listening to the stuff he does, i don't give out to her i just try to guide her but it's like she doesn't listen but i think somewhere in her heart of hearts she knows he's wrong for her.I think she thinks she can change him but i know that will never happen. It's so tough seing this going on i become so annoyed with her sometimes i'm thinking of cutting contact with her i know its probably the worst thing i could do but maybe it will make her see sense i don't know, she confides in me and i feel she doesn't listen to a word i say anyway so why should i bother anymore.

Ham Sambo

I know to some degree what you mean. My wife has the same problem in her family, female member of her family hooked up with a guy who is involved in drug dealing etc, everybody tried to warn her off this guy, even the guards told her Mother to try and steer her clear of this guy as he is bad news, sadly nothing worked.

Somtimes you just have to let them make their own mistakes, she is 21yrs and is supposed to be an adult! Best of luck

Chinafoot

Help me 2011 wrote: »

I have tried my best to do this but these days i am becoming so frustated listening to the stuff he does, i don't give out to her i just try to guide her but it's like she doesn't listen but i think somewhere in her heart of hearts she knows he's wrong for her.I think she thinks she can change him but i know that will never happen. It's so tough seing this going on i become so annoyed with her sometimes i'm thinking of cutting contact with her i know its probably the worst thing i could do but maybe it will make her see sense i don't know, she confides in me and i feel she doesn't listen to a word i say anyway so why should i bother anymore.

Look, you can't force her to do what YOU think she should do. Her confiding in you is a good thing. If you can keep that relationship going then she has a much better chance of getting out because she'll know she has you to support her.

Cutting off contact with her because she essentially won't do what you tell her to do, would be a really sh1tty move on your part. Your sister has to live her own life, you can't live it for her. I'd be very careful of 'guiding' her as, if your posts are anything to go by, you may not be coming across as gently as you think. Cutting contact will push her closer to this bloke and could cause irreparable damage between you and your sister. I understand the frustration you feel. It's hard listening to someone moan about their situation when they won't do anything to change it. But really, its not your place to go making demands or issuing ultimatums. Cutting contact makes it a 'him or you' situation. In my experience, the person demanding the choice be made is rarely the one who is chosen.

Have you considered that maybe you just don't like this bloke? Is he really that bad? Without knowing the details its hard to give proper advice.

Bottom line OP, you can't make her leave him and as hard as it is, just be there for her. Listen and offer advice only when she asks you for it. Cutting her off will just damage you both.

BoardsMember

So you're obviously hearing stories from her about what he's up to. Why not adopt the psychologist approach, like ask her "how did that make you feel", "why do you think he did that" etc etc, it takes your emotion out of it - be really neutral in your tone, removes the risk of it being a choice between you & him, and allows her to examine it for what it is, rather than have her hear what you think about it.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

Look, you can't force her to do what YOU think she should do. Her confiding in you is a good thing. If you can keep that relationship going then she has a much better chance of getting out because she'll know she has you to support her.

Cutting off contact with her because she essentially won't do what you tell her to do, would be a really sh1tty move on your part. Your sister has to live her own life, you can't live it for her. I'd be very careful of 'guiding' her as, if your posts are anything to go by, you may not be coming across as gently as you think. Cutting contact will push her closer to this bloke and could cause irreparable damage between you and your sister. I understand the frustration you feel. It's hard listening to someone moan about their situation when they won't do anything to change it. But really, its not your place to go making demands or issuing ultimatums. Cutting contact makes it a 'him or you' situation. In my experience, the person demanding the choice be made is rarely the one who is chosen.

Have you considered that maybe you just don't like this bloke? Is he really that bad? Without knowing the details its hard to give proper advice.

Bottom line OP, you can't make her leave him and as hard as it is, just be there for her. Listen and offer advice only when she asks you for it. Cutting her off will just damage you both.

Thanks for the advice i will do my best to try and be there for her, yeah i really don't like him, he's not someone you would want your sister involved with, to give a brief discription of him he doesnt work and hasnt done for years, he's in the pub seven days of the week, he has previous convictions for burglary, drink driving and god knows what else. He's also a good few years older than her.

To give one example of what he does to her, one day he told her he had cancer and she was so worried then a few days later of a all sudden he tells her oh i just thought i did and the doctors were wrong, total lies as he was never even near a doctor, he just said it to upset her.


I know i can't make her leave him,and i never tell her to dump him, but i'm hoping in time when and if she gets sick of his carry on that she will do it herself.

LegacyUser

BoardsMember wrote: »

So you're obviously hearing stories from her about what he's up to. Why not adopt the psychologist approach, like ask her "how did that make you feel", "why do you think he did that" etc etc, it takes your emotion out of it - be really neutral in your tone, removes the risk of it being a choice between you & him, and allows her to examine it for what it is, rather than have her hear what you think about it.

Yes she tells me it all, i do actually do this and i do find it helps a bit she does begin then to think about their relationship.I will keep doing this.

Thanks