Scraping the bottom

LegacyUser

It's been a while since I've gone unreg'd to have a good old moan, but this week I'm feeling full of self-pity, self-loathing, self-destruction.... all those self things. It could be long, circuitous and the point a bit hard to follow, so quit here if you're in a hurry.

I've been single for a while. External reasons/excuses for this (internal ones including not being attractive & crippling shyness) have a lot to do with my interests and social circle. My social circle is all men. It's very hard to meet women when there's seldom one within 200 yards of you. Don't get me wrong; I have tried. Generally in the pub I either get ignored or laughed at (remember the "not attractive" bit?) so I thought I'd give online dating a go. What a waste of time that was. You'd be amazed how many women with a professional occupation can manager no better conversation than "lol - I don't no what you doin wit no picture. whts the point lik". Through monumental effort I eventually got chatting to a couple of women who seemed less brain dead than most, but as soon as we met in person, their interest vanished.

So, boo-hoo, etc.

Last night I was thinking about my friend (let's call her "A") whose profile I spotted on a dating website. I've really lost contact with A since she left our company a few years back, so I've no idea how long she's been single, but I thought maybe I could help her out. My social circle is all men, you'd think I'd lots of guys that I could set her up with? Nope. To be fair, I'm writing off a good half of the lads for being too young, but of all the single lads over 30 that I know, there's not one that I would consider setting her up with. Maybe women are right when they bleat about not being able to find a "good guy". Certainly all the single guys I know I couldn't recommend to her, and there's a surprising number of them that I'd go out of my way to never have to introduce to her.

[aside]Just as an aside; this isn't actually limited to single guys. I know a few married men I'd try and keep away from my female friends too.[/aside]

So, that had me depressed, because logically, if there's something majorly wrong with all these men, there's a good chance there's something majorly wrong with me too. I am fundamentally un-dateable. One of those evolutionary dead ends destined to die out useless and alone. Boo-hoo, etc.

Then I started to get really depressed, because the logical next step is that there must be something wrong with all the women that are "left" too. I don't know a whole lot of single women my age, but the ones I do know I actively try and avoid. Frequently they're nuts or vapid or... homely, not very nice people, or sometimes all of the above. I struggle to spend a few minutes in their company. I couldn't imagine sharing a life with them.

[aside]I don't limit this to single women either. I've met some of the lad's wives and thought to myself : "Jeez, buddy, you fell on a grenade for someone there".[/aside]

I never thought I had high standards. I've been looking for someone at least mildly attractive, intelligent, independent and with a sense of humor. Bonus points if we have common interests and/or she's a freak in bed. I see now I've been foolishly wasting my time, and as I get older, the pickings are getting slimmer. When I was younger, being single didn't really bother me, but now my social life seems to be diminishing and the crushing loneliness pops off more often than it used to. Maybe it's time to rush out and grab the nearest uggo x-factor fan before it's too late.

Or more likely, die alone. Boo-hoo, etc.

So, if you've got this far, thanks for reading. If you've come expecting a "tl;dr", well, thank god for scroll wheels.

Ickle Magoo

Hand of Ennui wrote: »

Through monumental effort I eventually got chatting to a couple of women who seemed less brain dead than most....

Eh, I think I see the issue.

Seriously OP. Your story is peppered with insults and sweeping generalisations before slumping into feeling sorry for yourself because no-one deigns to look at you. I'd bet that women are picking up on the way you judge and look down on them for the silliest, shallowest reasons and are running for the hills.

Perhaps if you stopped being so critical of other people and accepted we all have our faults - you might have more success? You cannot on one-hand criticise and make assumptions about other people based purely on first impressions, aesthetics, etc and then complain when other people do likewise to you.

Maybe if you give everyone a chance and see how they grow on you then someone will be tempted to extend the same courtesy to you?

All the best.

Taltos

OP

Besides being your "good old moan" - what specifically are you looking for here?
This is an advice forum, it would be helpful it you could clear up what advice you are looking for?

Taltos

Miss Fluff

I couldn't agree with you more Ickle.

OP your post is full of nastiness, criticism and bitterness towards the opposite sex while also wallowing in a woe-is-me cesspit of self-pity.

If you're so quick in judging every single woman you enounter through your blatant condescention and scathing attitude then I'm genuinely surprised that you could possibly be surprised why you've been single for a while. From your post it's blatantly obvious.

Might be time to reassess the attitude and what you're projecting.

Zen65

Hand of Ennui wrote: »

So, that had me depressed, because logically, if there's something majorly wrong with all these men, there's a good chance there's something majorly wrong with me too. I am fundamentally un-dateable. One of those evolutionary dead ends destined to die out useless and alone. Boo-hoo, etc.

Then I started to get really depressed, because the logical next step is that there must be something wrong with all the women that are "left" too.

There is just so much wrong with this logic that it almost beggars belief. The logical answer is staring you in the face, but you refuse to see it.

Put simply, if a thermostat tells you that every room in the house is freezing despite the fact that there are people living very comfortably in these rooms, the logical conclusion is that the thermostat is faulty.

Similarly if you have reached the conclusion that all of these people are fundamentally flawed simply because they are single, yet every couple starts as two singletons, then it must your your judgement which needs to be re-calibrated.

Every living person has flaws. You have already identified in your post the many married men whom you considered to be so flawed that you could not introduce them to your female friends, yet the simple fact that they are married suggests that somebody accepted those flaws.

So in a nutshell the problem is you, or more precisely your judgement. You have developed a scale of critical assessment of all people that focuses on the human flaws to the exclusion being able to see the beauty and wonder that makes the company of fellow humans so central to our lives. Your cynicism may have been born though self-preservation at some point, but by allowing it to grow uneducated and unchecked you have allowed it to take over your personality to the point that it creates a layer of mutual repulsion that keeps you from others, and others from you.

It's not your face either. I have been blessed with a face that might be considered to have rubbed the ugly tree up the wrong way, yet it has not stopped me from finding true love with my partner nor true friendship from so many others. Your ugliness is within, and you can choose to live with this as your companion or banish it and find true friendship, or maybe even love.

Start by looking for the beauty in everyone you meet this week; the woman who smiles cordially as you pass each other on the train, the male driver who opens a space in traffic for you to change lanes, the child who thanks their parent for a gift, the student who applies themselves to their study, the man or woman who works voluntarily for the benefit of a charity, the woman who aids her handicapped sibling, the guy who smiles as he hands you today's Metro Herald, the parent who works in a boring job for years so that their family can have food and a home. If these obvious signs of beauty are so clearly visible, how much more beauty lies within if only you'd take the opportunity for a closer look?

We have all got our share of flaws, but the worst flaw is to blind ourselves to the goodness in people because our dislike of these flaws consumes our emotions.


Be at peace,

Z

sharper

Hand of Ennui wrote: »

Frequently they're nuts or vapid or... homely, not very nice people, or sometimes all of the above. I struggle to spend a few minutes in their company. I couldn't imagine sharing a life with them.

I think you've picked up on the general theme by now but being constantly judgemental and critical of everyone is not a good thing.

You probably feel that the way people treat you is out of proportion to your worth and flaws. It happens all the time, people pick a random flaw and doggedly pursue it for reasons I'm sure are the topic of more than one research flaw.

Your response seems to be to the same in return. Pick a flaw in others and blow it up until it eclipse their worth. You didn't much care for it when it was done to you so there's a lesson there.

A person that's heavily into X-Factor and similar shows is not someone I can get along with easily. Their interests and mine are just too different and it makes conversation difficult. I have no reason to think they're "bad" people or there's anything particularly wrong with them, they like what they like and I like what I like.

For people to give you a chance, you have to give them a chance. Yes it's true there are many that still won't give you a chance but only a small segment of the population has an experience of life where are other people are always into them.

Worry less about what people think of you. Worry less about what you think of them and stop forming snap judgements.

LegacyUser

Hmmm. Hadn't really expected to post here again, but there's been some excellent replies, so I have to at least acknowledge that.

There was a question that was asked about what am I looking for here. The answer is nothing. This was more kind of me acknowledging that I have a problem, and faintly hoping that it might help others do the same.

A lot of people have hit on the word "Flawed" so I'd like to expand on that a bit. I jokingly intimated that liking x-factor is a flaw. I hate x-factor but of course liking it is not a flaw. One of my closest female friends freaking loves x-factor, but we just don't talk about it with each other. I'm not judging people because they're different or like different things.

Of course, nobody's perfect and real flaws do exist. I'm thinking of my angry alcoholic friend here as an example. If I were to think of her as a potential partner I'd very quickly conclude that her flaws out-weigh her good qualities. Others may agree as no fella has stuck around for long. To use the thermostat metaphor : if enough thermostats tell you the room is cold, you must have Eskimos (or zombies!) living there. I think I'm an Eskimo. Now I just have to find myself another.

Taltos

Since you are not looking for advice we are therefore closing this thread.
Should you reconsider and actually request advice please let one of the mods here know.

Taltos