Childlessness

LegacyUser

Hi people,

I posted about this issue in the Ladies Lounge about two weeks ago and didn't get even one reply! Maybe the issue was too serious for over there, so I thought I'd move it here.
The issue, as in the title is childlessness. My husband and I are coming to end of a good few years of fertility treatments. We don't have the money to adopt, or energy at this stage if I'm honest, though that may change. Our relationship has also taken a battering, though we're working on it, and giving ourselves a good break before we make big decisions about our future as a couple or anything else. We've been focused on starting a family for so long that we don't know what else to do now or how to live.
What I posted about in the Ladies Lounge, was a question about how other people have chosen, coped with or accepted childlessness. I'd really like to hear if any or many of you have found that the right option or one you've accepted and been happy with, because right now, almost every one we know has kids, and we really need some other perspectives. I'm sure lots of people have been here before but I just don't seem to know any. And we're still in our thirties so everyone around us is still either having babies or still searching for their future partner. Right now we feel lost and lonely and need help seeing a way through this. This question is open to those who don't want kids/didn't want kids, have kids but can imagine a life without them, can't have kids or never met the right person.

username123

Hi,
Im sorry youre not feeling great today - and that you didnt get any responses before.

Im nearly 40 and my husband and I have no children, and we dont have any desire to have them. We just dont have an interest in becoming parents. Like you, most of our friends are having babies so we encounter a lot of incredulousness from people who just dont get that we just dont want kids!! I dont have an explanation as to why I dont - I just have never felt maternal and not every been interested in babies or children, and couldnt see myself as a parent. I have a difficult background of family issues so that may be a contributing factor in me not wanting the responsibility of another person. But the point is - Im happy with my decision right now. Maybe in 10 years time Ill regret it - who knows what the future will bring? I think I will be ok about it though - as I never really felt that I wanted children.

I do know some people who are where you are now though. I am very sorry to hear the fertility treatments havent worked.

On the subject of adoption, it takes a long long time in Ireland, so you could put your name down and hear nothing for years - maybe that would be an option for you - you could always change your mind later - but if you didnt put your name down and then decided in 3 or 4 years that you did want to do it, youd be kicking yourself that you hadnt gotten on the list earlier?

In terms of accepting things - I dont think its something that one can just accept and get over in a few days or weeks!! Clearly this is something that you very much wanted and I think you owe it to yourself to remember that it takes time to heal and grieve from a big disappointment like this. Dont feel that you should just 'get over it' - its not like that, you need to take whatever time you need to process and accept something like this.

Im sorry I dont have more comforting words for you, I think that you are very brave to even be posting about what must still be a very raw and upsetting thing. Good luck.

Sound Bite

Hi OP, I'm sorry that you are going through rough time of it.

I don't think I've any answers for you but just want to let u know that you are not alone.

It's extremely unlikely I can have children. I will struggle to conceive and even if I do, I have been advised that it may not be safe or viable to continue the pregnancy.

I've was never sure whether or not I wanted to have children or not but I remember being shocked, upset and angry that the choice was taken away from me.

I'm single but I've had a relationship break up over it. I'm at the stage where alot of my friends are starting to have family. At times it's difficult to watch others have what you know you never will.

That said, I've wobbled alot over it the last 2 years or so but finally thing I've come to terms with it. I'm an aunt and have a great relationship with the nieces and nephews. I've all the best bits without the difficult bits.

I've also invested alot more in myself. I've developed better friendships and taken up more hobbies. While they are no comparision to having child, I surround myself with people and things to do that make me happier and more positive about my life as it is.

I do have some wobbles. I'm very uncomfortable when people talk about having children etc and I hate the insenstive comments that people unknowingly make at times.

I think that once you accept something it becomes easier to handle.

I would agree with the above poster no harm in looking into adoption or surgeocy (sp?).

As far as I know there's a trying to conceive forum where you might get a better response and more people in the same situation. I'm single so it's not really the same.

An Bhanríon

Hello!

This post really jumped out at me because I know some people who have been in the same situation. Your comment about the pressure on your relationship sounds so familiar. I take my hat off to any couple who can stay together and still be in love after such difficulties. And, happily, I know a few who are.

My situation, though, is that I am in my mid thirties, female, and haven't yet met a long term partner that I would like to have children with. I have come to a point, though, that I am accepting of the idea that I may never have children. I would absolutely love to have my own children, but I figure if it's not meant to happen for me, it's not meant to happen. My way of coping with that particular void in my life is to continue on as I have in the last couple of years.

I visit my friends who have children, hang out with their children and support them as parents by watching over their children every now and then. I get great pleasure out of that and they appreciate having me over as, having no children of my own, I give their children the love and attention I would give my own if I had them. The other thing I do is volunteer with a childrens charity in the summer. This involves spending a lot of time with a particular group of children and means one gets to know them extremely well. Because their parents aren't around they pretty much treat the volunteers as parents. And, when a child runs over to give you a spontaneous hug, just because they think you are supercool, there is no better feeling!

Anyway, best of luck, OP. I hope this is of some assistance.

QuiteInterestin

Sorry that things haven't worked out how you'd like them to have. While I'm not in a similar position myself, I read an article in the Sunday Independent magazine about 2/3 weeks ago about a woman who had tried for years to have children with no success. She, along with a few others, then set up a support group for other childless couples to help them come to terms with it. I think this is it http://www.nisig.ie/Home/tabid/37/Default.aspx They seem to have a forum dedicated to Living life without children so maybe you might find some good advice here (not that boards doesn't give good advice!).

All the best OP, hope this is of some use to you.

EGAR

I was told by several medical experts that I was unable to conceive due to treatment for a medical problem in my early twenties which returned again in my early thirties and was again treated in the same way. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never have a child and tbh it did not bother me that much as much of my time was spent travelling and moving about.

Obviously, I had relationships in the meantime, two long-term relationships to be exact. In both cases my partner was aware of my inability to conceive and it did not pose a problem.

When I hit 38 I got the flu, or so I thought, turns out I was pregnant. I carried to full term with no complications and he is now 7 years old. So never say never, relax and get the help of a support group. Perhaps offer yourself and your OH for fostering?

LegacyUser

OP - I completely understand how you feel. I'm in my late 40's and doomed to be childless too. The thought of a lonely old age frightens me to death.

I didn't get married until fairly late in life. I look at my friends most of whom have children and some now have grandchildren too. I love kids and would've loved to have had just one of my own, but sadly it looks increasingly unlikely. I need an operation which if carried out will put paid to any chance I might've had of getting pregnant. And I find that very hard to bear.

The last couple of years have been awful for my husband and I. We've gone through an absolute sh1tstorm of personal issues and this last one has proved to be the final straw. I feel myself sliding into depression, which I've always managed to overcome before, but now I feel empty and sad all the time. I can't seem to lift myself to do anything. I barely speak to my husband, who I do love and is the kindest of men, but he doesn't understand how I feel.

So I decided to give counselling a try. I've had only one session so far, so can't really give an indication of how it's going. But it might be something for you to try too, either alone or with your partner.

I wish you the best of luck and strength to find a way to resolve this.

I am a friend

Op, am sorry to hear you are going through this hardship.... I work with a girl who had tried for years with her husband to conceive both naturally and through IVF and neither were successful. They then decided to look into egg donation, went abroad for the process and they now have a healthy baby boy.. Obviously the baby is biologically only related to the Father but that doesnt matter one jot to them or to anyone who meets them. He is one lucky little baby....

I dont want to get your hopes up but my cousin was told she was unable to have kids and went on to have 2.. Others I know who were also told it would be next to impossible have also succeeded. I am not telling you this to taunt you, rather to let you know that there is always hope...

For a lot of my friends (myself til recently) the biggest issue was finding the partner with which to have kids and a number of my friends (late 30's) are still single and searching. You are lucky in that at least you have the partner to try with and to embark on this journey with... Believe me it can be lonely in your late 30's, with not a man in sight and you wanting to have a family....

I cant even imagine how tired and sick of it all you now are but please try to see your blessings i.e. your relationship and dont let that go by the wasteside... Do look at aternative options e.g. egg / sperm donation...

Best of luck to you both and please, no matter what the outcome, make a choice to enjoy life even if it means that its you and are partner together.. Believe me, a lot of girls I know would love to have someone to love and at the end of the day, you decide what / who makes up a family and it doesnt always involve kids.

EScifo

Reminds me of a friend of mine who is trying to get pregnant. I'm sure it is very hard to deal with but I would suggest
1. Keep trying - it might not have much of a chance but if you don't try you have 0% chance
2. Look into adoption.

Neyite

Hi OP,

I have had fertility issues however, I appear to be one of the lucky ones – after a few months on Clomid and trigger shots, I’m now just over 7 weeks pregnant, but I know there is still a long road ahead, so I am trying not to get my hopes up too much, or counting any chickens until I’m a little further along. I know women who easily get to the stage that I am at, yet they suffer recurrent miscarriages. I know others who have, like you, been through gruelling IVF cycles to no avail – its so hard – you think “I simply cant go through a failed cycle again” on one hand, yet on the other there is a cruel voice whispering “maybe the next one will work” and on and on the heartbreak goes.

I am around the same age as you – mid to late thirties and everyone is having families or giving out to you about not starting yours. Thats hard and hurtful, and I have a few caustic remarks up my sleeve for the people who have the nerve to tell me what I should be doing with my uterus.

Ironically, my partner and I had a chat just after I took the injections for the successful cycle – we really saw that we could easily get consumed by this, and we were only in the starting blocks compared to other couples. We needed to remember that we were a family already– only two of us, but a family all the same. This is maybe what you and your husband need to plan for now. We knew that if we did not manage to have children, then maybe we would pursue other dreams.

First things first, you need to reclaim your sex life from one of clinical terminology to one of pleasure. Sex during fertility treatment goes quickly from something intimate and pleasurable to a timed, stressed, scientific experiment, – dare I suggest spicing it up whatever way it feels right for you? Naughty outfits or a weekend away somewhere romantic? You need to fall in love again.

There is a trying to conceive forum under Parenting, and you will find women who know exactly what you have and continue to go through. I have made friends there, who have been an amazing support to me.

I'm sorry this doesnt really answer your questions, I do hope that others can give you better guidance.

Daisy M

In the parenting forum there is a "trying to conceive" sub forum. There are sadly many people there in a similar position to you and they are so great at giving eachother support. http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1091
I have children and I have never been in your situation so I don't want to offer advice on how I think you should cope aside from saying that you and your husband should continue to love and cherish each other and enjoy your lives together. I wish you all the best.

mariposa23

Have you tried naprotechnology, I've heard a few success stories. I hope it all works out!

Emme

I am a friend wrote: »

For a lot of my friends (myself til recently) the biggest issue was finding the partner with which to have kids and a number of my friends (late 30's) are still single and searching. You are lucky in that at least you have the partner to try with and to embark on this journey with... Believe me it can be lonely in your late 30's, with not a man in sight and you wanting to have a family....

I cant even imagine how tired and sick of it all you now are but please try to see your blessings i.e. your relationship and dont let that go by the wasteside... Do look at aternative options e.g. egg / sperm donation...

Best of luck to you both and please, no matter what the outcome, make a choice to enjoy life even if it means that its you and are partner together.. Believe me, a lot of girls I know would love to have someone to love and at the end of the day, you decide what / who makes up a family and it doesnt always involve kids.

I agree with the above.

Some women have a partner and children, some have a partner and no children, some have children and no partner and some have neither. Some are happy with their situation, some aren't. You have a partner and no children, many women with no partner nor children would kill to be in your shoes even if you haven't been able to have children of your own so far. So count your blessings and stop focusing on the negative. If you and your husband really want children adoption could be an option. Don't rule it out.

ppink

ok so my opinion is a little against the grain here!

I think if you are genuinely at the end of the road of what you can afford treatment wise then you need to go back to basic. you and your husband are a family. you chose each other, not each other plus X amount of kids and I think it is very important for you both to get back to that.

all the people in the world can say "well I was told this and then it happened for me" or "have you tried X or Y".

my personal belief is that you cannot live in a constant state of hope against hope. at some point there has to be acceptance. acceptance that it just may not happen for you, that financially napro or A.N. Other treatment still costs and if you have not got the money you have not got the money.

i also think that "count your blessings and stop focusing on the negative" while may be meant well is a very hard thing to hear and accept when you are surrounded by people who are popping babies like smarties.

the only thing I will say is that adoption takes a lonnnnnnng time here. time in which you could be in a different finanacial situation and also your relationship back on track. fertility treatment is a gamble.....sometimes with the odds stacked against you. Is adoption? I am not sure. I dont think people end up spending thousands with no result (for want of a better term!)

BoardsMember

Hi. I am posting as a father of two, but am posting as one of your "have kids but can imagine a world without them". I really empathise with you and your partner, its an awful situation, and posting as a parent I might come across as conceited or lacking empathy. I hope I dont, I really feel for people going through this - we have seen it at close hand, with family members and friends, and have seen it tear people apart. So here goes...

I think there are two things that people struggle with here.

One is trying to get pregnant, and all the medical, emotional, financial etc baggage that comes with, and the stress that the relationship is put under when struggling to get pregnant and/or adopt. Both things are truly awful things to have to endure, especially if they come with recurring let downs.

The other is childlessness. Not having childred. And this is quite different from the process of trying to get pregnant and/or adopt.

If there was no option of IVF, adopting etc, I think childlessness would be a little easier to cope with - accepting that the future for you and your partner does not come with kids. The problem is that trying to get pregnant and/or adopt takes so long, comes with so many false dawns, and becomes the sole focus of everything, that if couples have to finally accept that they have to accept that they are to be faced with childlessness, they cant cope with the idea.

I dont know if I am explaining it very well. But the future without kids, as hard as it might appear, has its own merits, and should be embraced for what it is rather than what it isnt. Kids change life utterly, but it is very challenging, and it comes with a lot of sacrifice and in some cases much heartache. Ok, parents are never going to regret having kids, and the sacrifices and challenges are usually outweighed by what you get out of it. but that does not mean that a future without kids cannot be very fulfilling. I think people lose sight of this when so much time, energy, money, thoughts, and so much else has been singularly directed towards having children. Again, excuse me if I sound conceited. Obviously, the luxury of imagining a future without kids is something that is easier for a parent thant someone sturggling to hard to be one. But as sunflower says, you can have a happy & complete life without kids.

Look, I'm sorry if I have not helped, or made things worse. I just really feel for you, but think maybe I am sounding conceited and dont want to send your thread in the wrong direction, so will delete it if it proves to be the case

LegacyUser

I'm the OP,

And first of all I would like to say thank you all so much for responding - and I'm really glad to get the replies from those outside the 'infertile community' as such - these are the replies that I've been needing as much as the support from within that community.

Firstly, a bit more on our situation: We're not actually finished with fertility treatment yet, but the odds are decreasing and it's been tough in every way. We will give it another few rounds if only so we can move on (but still desperately hoping).

The infertility has challenged everything I know about myself. I didn't know how conventional I was until this started. I didn't consciously realise I'd spent my life wanting and expecting children - but I have. It's really made me wonder what the whole deal is about and how to live without the procreative part - what's the value of anything? I know the mature answer might be to find meaning in the small things. But surely the most meaningful moments are those spent teaching your toddler - or am I delusional? As Boardsmember has said, the wanting, planning and hoping has compounded the loss and it's really hard to know when or how to draw the line. I'm struggling to get perspective.

I agree with posters who say I'm very lucky to have the marriage. Watching your 30s and early 40s pass by without the chance to try to have kids (if you want them) must be more profoundly sad that the misery of trying and failing.
Years ago, I met a girl who knew since being a teenager that she couldn't have kids. At the time I was young and I just thought how sad, but now I can see the advantages to knowing and not hoping and being able to work from there at a young age when you're still creating your life.
Also, very sorry to the poster who lost a relationship over infertility - that must have been so hard.

As for other options: using donor eggs may be possible. But it's something that as yet, I haven't been able to accept. That's another reason why I'm posting here and not on a dedicated infertility forum where many couples are making the transition to donor eggs/sperm. I am still in love with with the idea of having a child that has my genes, although I also long to parent. I suppose I've come here to explore these ideas without infringing on the decisions of those who've already made the donor choice, as many have on the infertility forums: it's hard to talk honestly about being 'selfish' about your own genes. I don't want to discuss my doubts and negative thoughts on the process around people who are embarking on it, and there is an element of guilt about wanting kids but wanting your own genetic kids more. Does that make sense? Though as I said the longing to parent may override that eventually. I just don't know. My husband is more accepting of not having a child, so although the fertility problems seem to be mostly mine, whether we choose to create without using my genes is mostly my decision. Luckily you can use donor eggs at any age, so we're taking time on that decision.

As for adoption, as I understand it, adoption costs twenty to thirty thousand. After the ivf our savings are almost gone and we've been hit by the recession. I'm not sure we'd be considered, but starting the process now is certainly a good idea. I wish it was as easy as going on holidays and taking home a genuinely orphaned child from a poor country, which would be perfect - but could I cope with telling my child that they have another living mother? And in the case of using donor eggs wouldn't it be immoral not too? Too many questions. Not enough energy. Still grieving for a little one who would look like me.

I also want to explore childlessness as an option - on infertility forums you don't hear much from people who've chosen or accepted childlessness.

The crux of the matter for both of us is what kind of life we want to live, if the one we've chosen is not available - and what lengths we're prepared to go to to create that chosen life against the odds/nature. All options from starting again single and childfree, to trying to adopt in this marriage are still on the table. That's why all your opinions from all backgrounds and points of view are valid and very much appreciated.

Ellie2008

Hi OP

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I think the person who told you to focus on the positive was not trying to be unhelpful but I think it comes across as lecturing you when you came here for support. I am 29 and I have a boyfriend who I hope Ill marry and have kids with, just to let you know where Im coming from.

I know you are short of cash at the moment but would you consider counselling to help you accept things? I hope that you and your husband stay together Im sure it isnt easy.

My uncle and his wife married very young and couldn't have kids, I think they tried IVF but only a couple of times and since then they have adopted four Chinese girls (they live in London), I know from the comments my Mum made it must have been expensive but they are so so happy. My other uncle tried IVF an insane amount of times and eventually had a baby and then one naturally.

I think focus on accepting what you cant change and I would put your name down for adoption asap as it takes so long you can always take your name off the list!

Take care of yourself OP.