Dealing with seperation,,,,help

southeastg

hey,

I seperated from my wife a year ago and we are only now getting an appointment with the mediation service. We are trying to deal with things ourselves without a judge taking decisions out of our hands. The financial side of things i think we can work out HOWEVER the biggest issue is our 18 month old daughter who we both adore. Visitation was unorganised at the start but has settle down, i have her one whole day a week (which isnt enough as i missed her badily:() i look forward to the day the rest of the week. The issue is my new partner who is was involved in our break up and my wife has made it quite clear that she NEVER wants my daughter and my new partner in the same room. At the beginning she simple said she didnt want it but after some information (not from her solicitor but from a friend of a friend who was outraged at the idea of introducing a new partner) she introduced the tender years principle. She has since quoted several sources to back up her idea that a new partner should not be introduced, it would be psycolocially damaging she says. Im living with my new partner and it would be amazing if i could have my daughter at the house and maybe stay over as i miss seeing her first thing in the morning. I think introducing a new partner sooner rather than later would be better as she would grow up with the situation. My wife believes we should wait until my daughter is old enough to make the decision herself, i asked when will that be to which my wife said she doesnt know. I think her decision is based on the understandable hurt and anger she has towards me rather than a belief that it would cause any damage. She herself recently admitted to have a relationship with someone a while back and said she was in love with him but he had to move abroad. I asked did she introduce him to our daughter, she said no . She said there was an offer for them to move abroad with him which she declined, but he never met our daugther. She is obviously lying as if she admitted to them meeting make her argument about not introducing my partner invalid.

So why am i here. I need to know can she actually stop me from seeing my daughter , she did so for a few weeks a while back, if i tell her im going to introduce her to my partner. Ive been respectful of her wishes so far. She is adament about this issue and i believe the whole mediation hinges on this issue. I dont want to come out of the mediation after compromising on other issues and not sort this out. If i do i will have nothing to bargain with. I should say that my wife is very domineering and has to be in control of every situation , on a good day i can handle her but most of the time she just talks down to me , like a child. It is next to impossible for me to win an arguement with her, if i get the better of her one day she will come back to me when she has thought about it for a few days and it would be as if the arguement before never happened and im back to square one.

I appreciate any comments but would prefer if any negativity about the reasons for our seperation be kept to yourself as im trying to move on and do whats best for our daughter.

Moonbeam

I think if it is a long term partner then yes they should be introduced but not the others.
Do you live with your new partner?
Your ex might also be a little jealous or may genuinely think that she is doing the best for your little girl.

good luck:)

Fromthetrees

Social Group
If you're married you have automatic guardianship over your child (meaning you have a say over certain issues relating to your child such as religion, schooling, health requirements, general stuff ect.) but getting access to your child can be tricky, from what I've learned off other boardsies the mother of the child can do pretty much whatever she wants and even when she ignores a court order or something like that there are little or no repercussions, the best advice I can give you in my limited knowledge is to keep your ex partner as sweet as possible, apply to get joint custody or even shared custody in the district court (so at least legally you're suppose to have your kid near enough if not 50% of the time) and just in my opinion if you plan to stay with your new partner and actually stay with her a long while than time would be your best friend, the longer it is the better your argument is to say look, I'm with this person now and will be far into the future so she is a part of my life long term and so is my daughter, the two have to sooner or later eventually get to know each other.
http://www.treoir.ie is a superb website for information, make sure you ring them, I have 5 times in the past year and they have been a tremendous help every time from advice to legal stuff to sending out different forms and leaflets.

southeastg

Thanks for the replies,,

Ive been living with my new partner for 5 months and things are going well, but the situation with my daughter is having an impact on our relationship. Im basically living two lives, she only met my parents recently as it was made very clear by my wife that if she was seen in my parents house that my daughter would never visit there again. My wife would adamently deny that she is using our daughter to get back at me but she is the only thing she has to control me with. Ive been caught between my need to see my daughter and my need to stand up to a bully.
We had just finished building a new house when we seperated, which she is living in , her spending then and now has resulted in me paying loans of over 20,000 , at the start i was still giving her 80% of my wages which still wasnt enough to keep her going, Between my wages and her own she was taking in over a 1000 euros a week.
Mentally i am finding it very hard to deal with the seperation from my daughter, as i type i can hear my wifes voice shouting "you walked out on her" to which i reply i left YOU not my daughter. A part of me is missing:(.

Since the seperation ,the circumstances of which im not proud, i have been open and honest. Ive been cursed with an inability to lie and couldnt win an argument if my life depended on it. Im great the next day, i have all the answers after a sleepless night thinking about it but a lack of quick wit has left me speechless and hapless on several occassions.

Hopefully the mediation will go well, i will let ye know.

Sleepy

Lawyer up.

You admit yourself that you can't win an argument so hire someone who can do that for you. There's no shame in it: would you have a problem hiring a mechanic to fix a car that you can't?

While yes, it would be nice to be able to deal with things yourselves and in an ideal world we'd have no use for the parasites that make up so much of our legal system, this isn't an ideal world. Divorce in Ireland is a no-fault affair so the circumstances of the separation have no outcome on the financial outcomes or access to your children (where no violence has been proven).

Kildrought

Most relationship counsellors would advise that you deal with the end of one relationship before starting another.

You haven't yet dealt with the end of your marriage and you are already living with someone new.

There is a huge amount of emotion washing around at this time; lot of guilt, sadness, misery. It's tough.

But I would focus on getting the mediation part of things sorted first & suggest that your new partner should take a back seat for a while till you get your own head clear.

Abi

I understand you're missing your daughter OP, but it seems like the circumstances in which your relationship with your wife ended is the cause of her reacting this way - in which case, she isn't going to make this particularly easy for you. In time this may pass somewhat, especially if she meets a new partner herself.


In the meantime, arrange an access order with your solicitor. You can try for an over-night stay at the weekend, but given her reaction so far I expect her to contest this.


Things may be strained with your current partner at present, but given the circumstances she is going to have to be more patient with your situation, as I'm sure she was aware that you were married and had a daughter to begin with.


When a relationship ends in a not-so-nice way, children are often used as pawns unfortunately. If it were me, I'd tell her that you both need to show some unity for the sake of your daughter. Tell her you do miss her desperately, and if she tries the 'you walked out on your daughter' line again, ask her how long is she going to play that card, and tell her shes not thinking of her daughter in the long term here. At least you want involvement with your child, this isn't always the case.

Refrain from getting into arguments with her, and telling her that it was her you left. This is the case obviously, but she's angry and bitter about it. Re-confirming this with her constantly will get you nowhere close to having an amicable arrangement with access to your daughter. Rise above the rows, and be determined but patient.


I do hope you can both come to an arrangement, best of luck OP.