So fed up please help

XarcherX

I'm with my fiancé 3 years in total we have an 8 month old baby, it was an unplanned pregnancy and he proposed when I was 8 months pregnant, I have a funny feeling this could've been down to pressure from his parents they're very old fashioned.
LOng story short iv been thinking a lot about our relationship lately and it doesn't feel right to me.. the more i think about it the more it makes me want to leave.
He's cheated on me in the past very early on in the relationship but I took him back.. He has not cheated since and I don't think he would, but to be honest sometimes I find myself almost hoping he would, just to give me an excuse to leave.. Lazy of me I know..
He doesn't talk to me about feelings at all, never really was his strong point...
The thing is he is a decent guy, hard working, helpful, sweet in his own way and a brilliant dad.
But he's also starting to b a bit controlling and gets mad about stupid little things..
Like for instance me driving 15 minutes down the road to see my parents once or twice a week has him shouting about the diesel I'm wasting etc etc, money is his life.
I work fulltime an our baby is in crèche, we more or less had to split the bills down the middle cos of all the fighting about money.
Now he wants me to give up work and mind our baby full-time... Anytime she has so much as a runny nose he's telling me not to go to work.
I refuse to quit my job as the thoughts of having to rely on him for money is scary... He'll have total control then.
Please help I don't know what to do I feel so trapped I don't go out anymore as I just couldn't listen to the arguments that will follow..
Am I being totally selfish here in taking my little girl away from her daddy just for the above reasons?
My friends are also starting to desert me, none of them call to the house anymore because he makes them feel awkward..
Any advice appreciated

Giselle

He sounds very controlling and that would ring warning bells to me. Specially his resentment at you visiting your parents. Its NOT a waste to keep contact with your family.

The fact you're uneasy about the future is telling. Think very carefully about how your relationship works and how the power is distributed. Under no circumstances give up your job and your independence as it would make exiting the relationship much more difficult if you decide to.

Think long and hard, as you ARE a family unit. But no one has the right to control you or dictate your movements.

As he's a good dad, there shouldn't be a problem with your baby maintaining contact if you live apart.

Good luck.

D

I don't know you so this is just an opinion.

I feel that you should leave him.
I think that you should talk to some close friends/family who you trust about this as they will know you and the situation better and will be able to advise you much more thoroughly than anyone here.
If you feel nervous about leaving him then it is important to tell your friends and they can give you support when the time comes.
If you do decide to leave him, be prepared. Have a place you can go to/stay, have some money put aside.

OkayWhatever

D wrote: »

I don't know you so this is just an opinion.

I feel that you should leave him.
I think that you should talk to some close friends/family who you trust about this as they will know you and the situation better and will be able to advise you much more thoroughly than anyone here.
If you feel nervous about leaving him then it is important to tell your friends and they can give you support when the time comes.
If you do decide to leave him, be prepared. Have a place you can go to/stay, have some money put aside.

I 100% agree with this advice.

Especially the part about putting money aside and having somewhere to stay.

If thing's get too much and you just want to leave, then you should leave. Don't think twice about it, just get outta there. Have it planned out, have an idea of what you're going to do.

On a personal note, I grew up in a house where my parents fought a good bit. I remember my mother's unhappiness, and when my dad left things actually were better. My mam could relax and the whole atmosphere was better.

I think that you should leave before it gets any worse. For your own sake and your child's. Don't feel like you're on your own either. I think that if you know you have the support of your family and friends, it'll make it easier for you to leave.

Even if your friends don't call around for you, they're still going to be there for you. You're not going to be on your own, helpless. Don't forget that.

The only person who should be in control of you is YOU! So i think you should leave, get the control of yourself back, you deserve to be so happy and I really hope you will be soon.

gmac102

If it was me i would leave.

you cant get time back! dont waste it being unhappy

Ham Sambo

Sounds like a right pain in the aras that you are living with, I would agree with you when you say that his parents have a lot of influence in his life, I will hazard a guess and say that they are from a farming background, might be wrong. What ever the case you sound really unhappy, as one poster said put away a few quid until you have enough to leave this person, believe me even your baby will thank you for it. Best of luck.

Firetrap

Do you have any family or friends you can turn to for help? If your fiancée has had that effect on your friends, you can be sure that your family has noticed too. In fact, they or your friends might be only too delighted to help get you out of there.

fallen01angel

XarcherX wrote: »

I'm with my fiancé 3 years in total we have an 8 month old baby, it was an unplanned pregnancy and he proposed when I was 8 months pregnant, I have a funny feeling this could've been down to pressure from his parents they're very old fashioned.
LOng story short iv been thinking a lot about our relationship lately and it doesn't feel right to me.. the more i think about it the more it makes me want to leave.
He's cheated on me in the past very early on in the relationship but I took him back.. He has not cheated since and I don't think he would, but to be honest sometimes I find myself almost hoping he would, just to give me an excuse to leave.. Lazy of me I know..

This part of your post says it all OP,you want him to cheat on you so you'll have a valid excuse to leave him-you don't need a valid excuse,if it's not right then it's not right,the fact ye have a baby together isn't going to make things better between ye,especially if you feel he proposed only because of pressure from his parents.....
You said it-you've been thinking about your relationship and it doesn't feel right to you,your gut instinct will rarely see you wrong.He can still be a great father to your daughter,but you need to do what's best for you,in the end it'll will be the best thing for you and your daughter.
Best of luck.

CarMe

Get out now, sounds like you're in for a life of misery if you stay.

XarcherX

Op here, thanks for the replies... I think if I had more money behind me I would have been gone already and that's not saying a lot for the relationship I know...
He is just getting harder and harder to live with and the spark is gone for me...He dotes on the baby which is a great trait but I feel i have no life anymore. Too many rules and regulations which I've unconsciously started to follow, All my friends say iv changed completely and turned into a hermit.
In one way I'm so used to having him around I think it would be so daunting living alone and trying to support me and my daughter.
I have plenty of family and friends and I would be welcomed home with open arms but I don't really want to burden my parents, they have enough money worries at the moment...
I'm saving at the moment as much as possible but it'll be ages before I have enough to secure a new place for myself.
May go down the single mothers route... Anyone know what u get if u work fulltime?
Thanks guys!

Fee123

Hi OP, it depends on how much you earn. I think you can earn up to 425.00 per week and still receive some lone parents. There is also Family Income Supplement which is available to ppl working 19 hours or more. All means tested of course, you could check this out with citizens advice or on the social welfare website:

http://www.welfare.ie/EN/OperationalGuidelines/Pages/onepfp.aspx

I really like the previous post about not wasting time being unhappy.

I love the feeling of freedom and happiness you get a month or so after you made the difficult decision to leave something (or someone) that wasn't working and you think 'why didn't I do that sooner' !

Good luck with everything, x

Firetrap

Don't let the lack of money stop you leaving him. In fact, as your child gets older it could make it harder to go.

gmac102

I was married for a few years, very very unhappy. Wont get into details but I was terrified to leave. My worst fear was being a single mother on welfare. I had a comfortable life with my husband, lived well, no money worries etc

One day I remember waking up and not knowing who I was, I hated who I had become, ppl said I was constantly angry, decided then I had to do something... it got so bad I didnt care if I ended with nothing.

Fast forward two years, Im the happiest Ive ever been in my life. My two children are happy. Yes I dont have it as easy as I used to but it makes me appreciate what I have now all the more.

You can do this and you will be ok and so will your child.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I don't have kids. I was in a very unhappy and suffocating relationship with a man 14 years older than me for 5 years. I was happy for maybe the first year (I was 19 when I got with him). Before long I didn't have any friends and my life revolved round my partner and his child. I put up with it for way too long until I got into councelling. The councellor never told me to leave him just asked me some questions like; are you happy, when's the last time you made a new friend, where do you see yourself in 5 years time. I'm not sure how but those questions really made me think and one night in bed I broke up with him, it just came out of my mouth. The next day my mother called over and removed every trace of me from apartment and I moved back home. Two months later I met the love of my life, this year we went to San Fran and Hawaii on a 2 month trip, last year it was France and Germany, next year it's Poland and so on. In the 5 years I was with the ex we went on one holiday that was boring because he wouldn't do anything. I suppose what I'm trying to tell you is YOU ARE NOT TRAPPED. The only thing trapping you is your own guilt. At the end of the day everyone here can see you are very very very unhappy. Please put yourself first and get out. Your daughter is way better off with a happy mother and a happy father than a stressed out unhappy mother and a father that's only there to appease old fashioned parents.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope that you find the kind of joy I found.

LegacyUser

XarcherX wrote: »

I'm with my fiancé 3 years in total we have an 8 month old baby, it was an unplanned pregnancy and he proposed when I was 8 months pregnant, I have a funny feeling this could've been down to pressure from his parents they're very old fashioned.
LOng story short iv been thinking a lot about our relationship lately and it doesn't feel right to me.. the more i think about it the more it makes me want to leave.
He's cheated on me in the past very early on in the relationship but I took him back.. He has not cheated since and I don't think he would, but to be honest sometimes I find myself almost hoping he would, just to give me an excuse to leave.. Lazy of me I know..
He doesn't talk to me about feelings at all, never really was his strong point...
The thing is he is a decent guy, hard working, helpful, sweet in his own way and a brilliant dad.
But he's also starting to b a bit controlling and gets mad about stupid little things..
Like for instance me driving 15 minutes down the road to see my parents once or twice a week has him shouting about the diesel I'm wasting etc etc, money is his life.
I work fulltime an our baby is in crèche, we more or less had to split the bills down the middle cos of all the fighting about money.
Now he wants me to give up work and mind our baby full-time... Anytime she has so much as a runny nose he's telling me not to go to work.
I refuse to quit my job as the thoughts of having to rely on him for money is scary... He'll have total control then.
Please help I don't know what to do I feel so trapped I don't go out anymore as I just couldn't listen to the arguments that will follow..
Am I being totally selfish here in taking my little girl away from her daddy just for the above reasons?
My friends are also starting to desert me, none of them call to the house anymore because he makes them feel awkward..
Any advice appreciated

There is some concern here if your friends are avoiding spending time in your company when he's around its also you home!

If your happy in yourself and coping with work and family life trust me things would get worse as losing an income has its own challenges especially the life style changes

Its obvious Your unhappy do something about it difficult yes but you also need to consider your personal happiness