I miss him so much

kellybrook81

Hi

I guess I just wanted to "talk" to anyone who has gone through something similar, as right now I think I am at my lowest point ever and just dont see my life ever being happy.

Some background: im 30, female, born in cork and still live here now. broke up with my boyfriend approx 6 months ago.

At the time of our break-up it was a mutual decision and we were living together. i guess i could go into so much detail here, but whats the point. the crux of it is that now, after thinking that i would have this happier, exciting, carefree life without him (and him agreeing we needed to be apart) i now realise that i miss him so much that at times the whole situation is surreal.

sounds silly but what spurred me on to write this post was an ad i saw on tv tonight - its a new one for sainsburys of a dad and his little boy on a day out and doing lots of fun stuff - at the end of the day they come home and pretend to fall asleep on the couch when the mom sticks her head around the door to check on them. the ad, like a slap to the face, reminded me that this was the guy i wanted as a husband, father to any children i might have, and grow old and grey with. he was the funnest, funniest, most loving, caring and brilliant person i knew/know and to think that i am not going to spend the rest of my life with him makes me short of breath sometimes. i try not to cry because i honestly think that if i start i will never stop. sorry to sound dramatic.

suppose what hurts me so much to my core, and what i just cannot stop thinking about, is that, after 3.5/4 years with someone, who you truly believed loved you (and i truly know he did) - how can he walk away from me so easily? what did i do that made his heart shut down and grow to hate me? these are questions i ask myself constantly, and although on some level i know the answers, i cannot get over the fact that i thought we were at the point of no matter what the other person was going through, we would stand by each other, not walk away. obviously there were things about him that made me want to break up at the time, but now they seem so irrelevant and i only think about the good stuff. i think he only thinks about the bad stuff.

in the months after we broke up i think in the back of my mind i kept telling myself "this is just temporary, we'll get back together, get married and live happily ever after", but as each days passes this seems less and less likely. i hate sounding like one of those women who needs a man to make her happy but if we are all honest, i think everyone needs a partner to go through life with, whether you get married or not and have children or not. but for me this is true - i was never happier than when i was with him and now i just feel like im going through the motions in life.

i wonder so much "does he miss me?" "does he ever feel upset about how things ended?" "does he feel relief now that hes single?" that i feel im driving myself crazy with all these questions. ive never had the best opinion of myself and often wondered why he even asked me out in the first place, let alone spent those years as my boyfriend, but it still hurts when you feel that someone is relived to have made a clean break from you, you know?

i should probably wrap this up now. i just wanted to get some advice really, on where i go from here. i know this situation could have been so much worse - we werent married and no children involved but a heart is a heart and i dont see myself ever getting over this guy.

thanks for reading.

I am a friend

But you said it was a mutual decision??

kellybrook81

it was, or at least thats what ive convinced myself it was, but deep down i know that if he had said lets give things one more proper shot i would have. i never thought it would be this permanent

I am a friend

kellybrook81 wrote: »

it was, or at least thats what ive convinced myself it was, but deep down i know that if he had said lets give things one more proper shot i would have. i never thought it would be this permanent

That's a harsh lesson...

Are you sure it's him you want and it's not that you are sick of bring single? If so, go talk to him

kellybrook81

I'm sure. I don't care about being single. I can't talk to him because the reality of hearing him say he doesn't want me back would be more than I could handle. Thanks for the interest. Have you gone through anything similar?

Zen65

kellybrook81 wrote: »

the crux of it is that now, after thinking that i would have this happier, exciting, carefree life without him (and him agreeing we needed to be apart) i now realise that i miss him so much that at times the whole situation is surreal.

Hi Kellybrook81,

I must say your post is heartbreaking, and I sympathise with your position. But sympathy from me is no use to you, so here's my thoughts on your predicament:

Reading this quote above from your post seems to give a different perspective from the way you feel now. If you thought you were going to be happier without him 6 months ago it suggests very strongly that you were not both very happy together back then. Perhaps now you are simply remembering the good times (selectively) from the 4 years together and wondering why it couldn't always be like that?

But it seems it wasn't all good, so the question then is after the break-up what steps did you take to have that happier, more exciting, carefree life?

Did you really take any steps towards that life, or did you sit around wondering how come he agreed to the break-up so readily and now it's eating you up inside and you don't feel able to try for a new life?

Sadly I think it's probably fair to say that if he didn't come back to you after this time then he's moving on with his own life and the chances of him coming back are slim. If that's the case then you need to move on with your life, find new friends, widen that social circle and start planning for a slightly different future to the one you had imagined. Maybe you'll find love along the way as you do so, but you certainly won't find it unless you do move on.

Be at peace,

Z

kellybrook81

thank you zen. As much as I hate to admit it, you're right. I just feel that I have nothing to offer anyone though, you know? I gave him everything and when someone can so quickly decide it's not what they want anymore it makes me feel abandoned and hopeless.

lainey108

are you not the one that wanted to brake up first?? he poberbly dint want to stand in your way because you wanted to let go of him like, i think talk to him, just say hi, then when ye are chatting you'l realise if you made the right/wrong decission

Firetrap

You need to ask yourself if you're looking back on your relationship with your ex with rose-tinted glasses? Was it just a momentary lapse or reason on your behalf or were there other issues that you've glossed over in your mind? Are you thinking like this because you're feeling down, a bit lonely and not having the exciting life you thought you'd have?

I can only assume that when you told your ex that you wanted to break up, that he did so out of courtesy for you. From what you've read, it looks like you're not on good terms now. Is there any possibility of repairing things between you.

floorpie

Zen65 wrote: »

Sadly I think it's probably fair to say that if he didn't come back to you after this time then he's moving on with his own life and the chances of him coming back are slim.

Your post is very good, but i think that that's a fairly big assumption to predicate it all on.

Zen65

kellybrook81 wrote: »

I gave him everything and when someone can so quickly decide it's not what they want anymore it makes me feel abandoned and hopeless.

I'm a little confused by this. I understood from your OP that you were the one who suggested the separation?

Did he initiate the break-up or simply go along with it? If he just went along with it how do you know he didn't have issues of worry over how quickly you decided you didn't want him?


Be at peace,

Z

floorpie

kellybrook81 wrote: »

I don't care about being single. I can't talk to him because the reality of hearing him say he doesn't want me back would be more than I could handle

Just one comment, everyone is right, but if you feel as strongly as you do, whether it's loneliness or love that's causing it, it seems silly to let something like 'pride' get in your way.

kellybrook81

thanks to you all, hearing different opinions have helped somewhat. i still just feel so hopeless over the whole thing though. i think i need to accept the fact that the future i envisioned for myself may be different now.

floorpie

It seems like that's the wrong sentiment to take from the thread, seeing as there's such a tension and contradiction between what you're saying now and what you said/felt in the original post

Danye

Never in here... just stumbled upon this thread for some reason!

In anyway, I found your post a bit confusing but in anyway... If you miss him so much why not go and try win him back??

Instead of sitting around writing about it on boards (that sounds harsh but I don't mean for it to be) why not arrange to meet up with him and have a heart to heart and see what comes of it?

If nothing else you would get some kind of final closure!

Best of luck!

Sauve

OP I know you don't want to go talk to him, but I would still strongly recommend it.
You already know the worst that could happen, so you can be prepared for it and ready to hear that he doesn't want you back. Just don't spend the rest of your life wondering 'what if'. Not trying to give you false hope, but for all you know, he could be sitting at home thinking the exact same things you are.

I've been through a pretty crap breakup lately too, (and he was the man I had planned on being with forever), so if you need to chat feel free to pm me. x

G-Money

Tough situation OP.

I am tad confused though. You seemed to say it was a mutual decision to end things, yet you seem to be a bit angry towards him as in your mind you think he has moved on (perhaps he has, perhaps not). I think this is a little unfair as if you end things with someone, you can't really be bitter if sooner or later they move on. It's not nice when they do, but it's usually inevitable.

Also the first few lines of your original post seem to suggest that it was you who initiated the break. So in a way it kind of sounds like you wanted to end things, but somehow wanted him to change your mind and/or realise 6 months later you'd want to get back with him. I think that's a little unrealistic.

As someone else said, we often look back on things with rose-tinted glasses. We forget the bad and remember the good. There was obviously a reason you two separated in the first place. What has changed in the past 6 months that would make that reason suddenly disappear? Are you just lonely?

I know myself I have occasionally looked back on girls I was with in the past and wondered if I should give things another go or was it a mistake that things ended. Second guessing yourself can really mess with your head.

Before you decide to contact him or not contact him, the first thing you need to do is look back on the reason(s) you finished with him. What are those reasons are, are they still valid and if not, what has changed and why. Be honest with yourself and don't go for easy answers just because you want the end result (you and him living happily ever after).

The reason I say this is that there's no point getting back together for the wrong reasons and then realising the first decision was the right one. If you really believe things have changed, then get in touch and see what happens. Although if I were you, I'd brace myself for the possibility that he is either seeing someone else or even if he's not, that he is no longer interested in you in that way.

But as I say, if those reasons for the break up are no longer valid, then I'd say you've nothing to lose by getting back in touch.

LegacyUser

Op as hard as it may be to hear the truth from him you need to hear it otherwise you will never be able to move on, you never know he may want you back or he may not but atleast you can start moving on and living your life again.

I too broke up with my boyfriend recently we were together five years but i know that i gave it my all and we just weren't right for eathother anymore. I know we will never get back together and i have moved forward now yeah its weird being single again but i'm happy.

Best of luck hope it works out for you.

kellybrook81

Thanks to everyone for the posts. It has given me a lot to think about. I know I need to move on, as either way what will be will be and if we are meant to be together then maybe in a year or whatever we will be. If we aren't meant for each other then what happened is ultimately for the best.

I still can't get to that point of being happy though and not dwelling on what has happened. It is not made easier given that I probably was not a very happy person before meeting this guy, and the happiest times of my 30 years were the few with him. I feel abandoned and alone.

dellas1979

Well-see by saying "maybe in a year or so....." thats not really conducive to moving on - thats dwelling and hoping. 2 things you've got to stop to move on.

You either want to try and work it out (which for some reason you cant even try-you havent gone into any details why really)
Or
You move on - moving on is hard - been there and got the t-shirt. But it does get easier. Remember that all the feeling you have are absolutely normal - when you feel down, mad, out of your mind. Its all part of nursing a broken heart. I know it doesnt mean much now to hear when you are in emotional pain, but it does get easier.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I can understand exactly what you're going through. I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 5 years back in January. We had a house together etc. Difference with me was I was tempted by someone else. I never cheated on my boyfriend but in the end I decided to finish it. Thought how can this be my perfect relationship if I'm tempted by another man.

Anyway, in the last couple of months I've really started to miss him. And exactly like you any thing on telly with babies, marriage etc remind me of him as he had been my future for so long, had pictured us getting married, having babies etc. Now that's all gone. We probably would have a baby by now only we had a wedding abroad so I couldn't get pregnant back at the time.

I have always said that if we're meant to be it'll happen. I keep having to tell myself that. I now get the joy of seeing him with his new girlfriend on Facebook. Them going out with all ''our'' friends. It hurts like hell but it was my decision & I need to deal with the consequences. I'm 29 & feel like I've ruined the only chance of happiness as I'm ''pushing on''. I hope someone will say I'm stupid for thinking that!!!

The only advice I can give you is to try talk to him, he may not be moving on as easily as you think he is... But also keep the reasons it wasn't working out in the first place at the forefront of your mind.

Best of luck with everything, maybe knowing you're not the only one going through this might help...

beks101

kellybrook81 wrote: »

Hi
obviously there were things about him that made me want to break up at the time, but now they seem so irrelevant and i only think about the good stuff.

This is what we do, as human beings. With love, with life in general. We get bored and fantasise about a better life for ourselves, then get what we 'want' and realise that it's not so great on the other side after all.

Do you miss the relationship stuff, the just-having-somebody aspect to it...or do you still want this man in your life, warts and all? Be fair to yourself and think about this, really think about it. It's an important distinction because you broke up for a reason, many reasons I suspect, and those reasons will still stand if you end up contacting this man and getting back together.

Think about the decision you made six months ago and what provoked the break-up. Are those issues resolvable? Were you happy then, really happy - and not just comfortable to be settled with someone? You said you were not that happy before you met your ex...did the relationship work to mask your confidence issues and are you prepared to work on those, irrespective of what happens with him? Because that's the key to falling into a healthy relationship, regardless of whether it's with him or another man.

My main point though, is that life is short. Your head is all over the place and you need to sit down and do a LOT of thinking about yourself, about him and about what is really best for you. But if you do that and can honestly say, hand on your heart, that you still love him, despite and because of all his faults, then tell him. Pick up the phone, write him a letter, put it in an email, do what feels right. It's important because without that step, you can't move on. You need closure and the what-ifs will keep you stuck in this place without it.

And to the poster above - I think the scariest aspect to breaking up is the horrifying fear of being 'left on the shelf', we all go through it. Be kind to yourself and be patient with yourself. You're not a robot and you can't just switch your feelings off, 'reset' yourself and wake up in the morning ready to let go and start fresh! (though how cool would that be...) Take care of the basics (food, sleep, exercise), do what makes you feel good about yourself and take it one day...one minute at a time. It's a process, an endurance test really and you'll be stronger by the end of all this crap! And it's not even close to 'too late' for you, I promise

Best of luck and love to the both of you x

LegacyUser

Hi OP & others in same position.

Firstly I would like to say that people often get back together. I've known several couples who have, and been part of one myself. The results tend to be mixed: you broke up because on some level you had a 'challenging' relationship (read: difficult?). Some rare and beautiful relationships just run smoothly from day 1, others are fraught. And in my experience, they stay 'challenging' - the issues may change but there tend to be issues. Of course many long and lasting relationships fall into this category. You know your own limits for what's acceptable for you and there is something to be said for working on things.

So you know you have to get in touch with him. That may be very, very painful, but if it was me, I would know I just have to do it.

One thing that you really should get out of your head though is this fear that comes with being 30 and female. At about 30 me and lots of my female friends were single, and for some of us it was looking like a chronic situation. But by about 33 we were nearly all hooked up. Obviously, when you're in your 30s, things have to move faster. You have to be clearer about what you want (that means verbalising it too) and only gets involved with men who want the same things. But things do happen and very fast. Worry is wasted energy so try to just get on with it and use this time to build up interests and maybe get some travel in.

Fact is, by meeting up with him you could be facing a real blow. Try to have some treat planned for yourself soon after, maybe a trip away or some way of being kind to yourself for facing this. Try to let it be a one off conversation. Read his mood obviously but state your case as plainly as you can and leave him to come to his own conclusions. That can be hard to do when so much rests on it, but whether you choose a letter/email or face to face, keep it brief and sober. Sometimes the less you say the more people listen, and anyway, he will have his own thoughts on this and nothing you can do will ultimately change them. Don't give yourself any room for later regrets. What you are doing is brave so keep it simple and dignified. Best of luck with whatever the outcome is.

fungun

Id caution you to think about why you broke up. Although details are a little short, it seems like you suggested it and he agreed and there wasnt too much angst about this at the time. So both of you must have felt this was a reasonable call.

I guess whats in my mind is that what if the reason was something like he had things that really annoyed you. Now, 6 months later and lonely these seem trivial. And when you are lonely you think that having that person warts and all would be preferable. But this is not missing him - this is missing 'someone'. Only you can look into yourself and see how much is it that you miss him versus how much you miss someone. Put things like the ad to the back of your mind - that pulled an emotional string, an imaginary version of your future life.

At the end though, if you really think you miss him, just tell him. And do it now. The longer you leave it, the more likely he is to have moved on. What if he has a date next week and he decides to go out with this person because he thinks you are gone forever. What a missed opportunity that would be.

So think, think, think. And if you really want him, grasp the nettle NOW!!! Best of luck

BraziliaNZ

I'm sorry but I'm from the school of thought that if you dump someone, you can't just change your mind a few months later and decide you want to get back with them.
He has a new girlfriend and you're feeling jealous and you want to go poke your nose in his business? Grow up, deal with the consequences. Be happy with yourself and try and enjoy your life on your own, sooner or later you'll meet another man, but he is getting on with his life and so should you girlfriend!

seanrose

just thought id add a bit to this thread,

nobody can really tell you what to do but i am going through the same thing myself,i stopped contact with my ex through peoples advice on here and advice through family,however it wasnt helping me,im broke up 6 months also.

now i tried the no contact approach but also did try the friends approach,we did a few things together but i really think in my mind thast things would go back to how they were,i told her i couldnt do it because i know she didnt feel the same about me as i did about her

however something has changed this last few weeks and i contacted her and asked would she like to do something again,howver i stressed and really mean this when i said i wasnt expecting anything to come off it.
she agreed and we have been in contact.i feel far better this last few weeks than having no contact what so ever,now i may feel different in a few weeks but at the minute i feel good making an effort with her

look op what im trying to say is that even though people can give you advice and try and help,think deep down what you think is the right decision and do it

Dixie Chick

Hi OP,
Another Cork girl here just out of long term, over 10 years since last Christmas.
You post was very tough for me to read cos I know myself that at this stage of the break up (6 months or so in) that you have another bout of grief and it feels like you are strangled by it. I'm not saying that its a phase, Id never just brush off emotional distress as a "step" of the break up but there is a way our brain deals with these things that bring us to this point.

I was on a high after my break-up and then believe me, I had an unmerciful low about 5 months later, Ive come around again though and feel stronger for it. I just think it was that my head wouldnt allow me to run from my emotions any longer and I couldnt carry on being the "carefree single" without dealing.

Send me a PM if you want any advice, not that I can say what Ill say will help but hey you never know.

BraziliaNZ

Sauvignon82 wrote: »

OP I know you don't want to go talk to him, but I would still strongly recommend it.
You already know the worst that could happen, so you can be prepared for it and ready to hear that he doesn't want you back. Just don't spend the rest of your life wondering 'what if'. Not trying to give you false hope, but for all you know, he could be sitting at home thinking the exact same things you are.

I've been through a pretty crap breakup lately too, (and he was the man I had planned on being with forever), so if you need to chat feel free to pm me. x

But she dumped the guy. You can't have your cake and eat it. He was probably really cut up over the breakup and now that she's lonely she wants him back. It probably took him a long time to get over her, so now she wants to get him back, and she'll probably dump him again anyway when it goes back to the exact same way it was - this always happens!
Leave him alone and get on with your life, you're getting a lot of bad advice on this forum.

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