Estranged from father for the past 2 years

LegacyUser

Nearly two years ago, on New Years Day (such a cliche), my father told me he was having an affair with a woman he met at work. He had secretly bought a house with this woman (with joint marital funds) and handed in his notice, and got a job in another part of the country. He told me not to tell my mother as he wanted to live in the house while he worked out his notice. I guess he was just going to tell my mother on the day he was planning to leave the house.
I told my siblings and we all confronted him and told him he had to tell my mother. He caved and told her, she was shocked and devastated as we all were. He was the last person we expected to have an affair, we just weren't that type of family!
They had been married for 35 years and were devout catholics, very conservative. He was constantly banging on about whether or not we had been to church each Sunday etc. Basically he's a massive hypocrite.
He still continued to live at home for the month he was working out his notice. It was a terrible time for all of us, especially for my mother and my little sister (25) who was living at home at the time. She is now in a psychiatric ward with deep depression.
He eventually moved out and is living with his new woman. She is a divorcee with two teenage kids and several thousand pounds of debt to her name. He is no catch - bad personal hygiene, no social skills and drinks way too much - but is pretty loaded. I suspect her motives are for money, his for sex.
Since moving in with this woman, he has had to call in the guards because her two kids trashed their house when they were on holiday, and one of them stole a grand from his wallet. I can't believe he went from living with his decent family to living with these trashy strangers. They also sent out wedding invitations for next month but this was mysteriously cancelled and nobody knows why. It's like living in a bad episode of Eastenders (I get all these titbits from his brother, my uncle.)
I haven't spoken to him for 2 years, he never apologised for his awful treatment of his whole family (he hardly spoke to any of us for 2 years preceeding the divorce, we thought he was depressed and were all worried about him) and he hasn't tried to get in contact with us either. I know we are all grown up but it was totally out of the blue and shocking to us all. It was so out of character, we thought he had temporarily lost his mind but the longer it goes on, the more apparent it becomes that there is no going back. My mother's mother died recently and not even a sympathy card from him.
I don't miss him (his actions have managed to erase any love I felt for him) but obsess about these events every single day. I feel rejected and totally down about it. I did write him a letter when it first happened, explaining quite reasonably how he had devastated his family, but got nothing back.
I have since got married and didn't invite him (it would have created an awful atmosphere), but he is very emotionless and this wouldn't have bothered him in the slightest.
The parents are now divorced, but the financial wrangling is still going on. Basically he is obsessed with money (is very wealthy) and says he earned all his money and my mother shouldn't get a penny, despite her giving up a very promising medical career and bearing him six children.
Up to 2 years ago, I would have never imagined I would be estranged from my father, it still shocks me everyday. He has behaved so callously to his family, I can't think about having a relationship with him but how can I stop obsessing over it every day? I tried counseling but it didn't do anything for me. He told my mother he was starting a 'new life' but I can't understand how he can just walk away from his old life, including his kids, and not care how much hurt he has caused.
Sorry for long post, thanks for reading.

Kidchameleon

Sorry to hear about what you and your family are going through. The only bit of advice I can give to get over obsessing about it is to not "hate" him. If you hate somebody for something it makes it near impossible to get over it. Good luck.

LegacyUser

good advice, thanks a mill for taking the time...

Kidchameleon

How are you feeling at the moment OP?

LegacyUser

Hi OP!

WOW! ... that is a massive shock, i really feel for you! no wonder its on your mind every day you are in shock and traumatized!

Ive been through hell in life, abandoned by both parents after an abusive childhood of physical and sexual abuse and really poor on top, but what has happened to you is just turned everyones lives upside down over night!

My advice comes from someone who would have had the same amount of trauma to deal with and how i overcame it all. First off its such early days and there is so much to process so you can't expect yourself to not think about it or snap out of it, this has happened to you beyond your control so i think acceptance is the first stage, accept that this is this situation. That you are going to feel deeply hurt by this, That there is wounds and pain to process and that you have to protect yourself and surround yourself with all the support and love you can, when you act that way you are looking after you first and then you can think of others.

I think your right not to speak with your Dad, after what he has done it will take a lot of time. Staying away is the right thing to do at this time. You will know down the road when you want to see him again, but for now be totally selfish and put your needs first. I would get someone to talk to and really thrash out those feelings, as a female i needed to talk to someone who was a good listener and someone who had an objective view and could uplift me, not make me feel worse and they are hard to find but there is a lot of healing in it to have someone good to talk to. I went to a therapist because i was young and i needed a mature response and to understand forgiveness and all that letting go, i don't think you have to forgive straight away as your in a really painful time but down the road it sets you free and i had to forgive both parents for abuse! which not a lot of people could do, but i knew i was walking around with the anger which only made the abusers win and take my happiness.

Times like this really make you grow up fast, its a real reality check, but its good to start listening to yourself. Start trusting your gut and lead yourself out of this situation the answers lie there, you ask yourself what am i prepared to put up with with my Dad and trust your feelings. If it was me i would have to stay away for a while till the years passed a bit and there was some perspective. The abandonment and rejection and hurt must be emense right now, and i am sure all your family is feeling it, i don't know if this is good advice but everyone is going to be effected by this and you need to try and be focused on you and not getting sucked into anymore drama, if anyone is trying to go after your Dad for responses or retribution i would step back from that because the damage is done and you can only have power over your choices, and thats why i say be selfish.

I know myself the worst times are special occasions, xmas bdays etc. I have not one family member in my life because of how bad my family were, and its lonely sometimes but as i get older i have to do what i can to love myself and parent myself, i literally have no one in my family that cares for me. But i am a person who draws attention and love my way because i am humble to life and appreciative of what i do have. Thats actually a good point because if everyone is still swirling he did this and that conversations then it is going to perpetuate negativity, its ok to be angry for a while but there should be a point where people start looking forward and uplift things, your Dad is trying to drag everyone down with him, don't let him, do what i did and its make yourself the happiest and best you can be and leave him behind.

Im so sorry this happened, he has acted really badly and hurt everyone, the challenge as i say is to find your way out to happiness again, heal the inner wounds and reform a new relationship with your dad, there may be no physical relationship like me with my parents but emotionally and mentally a new way of looking at him where it is healthy.

I will leave it there for now.

Starokan

Thats a really tough scenario, im not sure if there is anything other than time and lots of it that will make you stop thinking about it.

What your dealing with is rejection by a parent and that sucks as our parents are meant to be there for us . Unfortunatly that sometimes is just not the case, i guess all you can do is focus on your mother and your siblings and devote your time to them.

If you ever feel like contacting your dad again dont be afraid to do that, perhaps if you had a conversation with him it might let you better understand his reasons and give you some form of closure

quiz

By helping your mother you will also help yourself too. Give her a call everyday to shoot the breeze. visit her whenever you can and hopefully your sister recovers fully. Your the only ones who can help eachother but there needs to be a leader and by the sound of things its you. Good Luck.

LegacyUser

Hi, you are all so good to post replies. It's all good advice and even just writing it down has helped.... It will take time but am sure things will look up soon. Thanks a mill everyone.

Firetrap

What doesn't help either from your point of view is that the accepted wisdom is that parents are loving people who do their best to bring you up and are there for you. Unfortunately in your case, you drew the short straw when it came to your father It's harder too when for some reason you can't totally get away from the person you dislike. Worse still when you can see the damage being done with your own two eyes to the people you love. There's not a scrap of justice in your story.

I can understand why you're so worked up by what happened. Your father has moved on with his life though and you have to do the same as best you can. You still have your mum and your siblings in your life and your wife. These are the people who matter more in your life than your father. You can still have a nice family life without this monster in the background ruining things. Try to focus on the positive things in your life.

qwertytlk

Wow... I cant believe how similar this is to my family situation. Its like reading about my own life. My father was the one who had the affair and moved him girlfriend in, nver appologised to any of us and goes on like he is whiter than white and has done nothing wrong. In fact he fefuses to discuss it. He has literally made my mother destitute and in a situation where she cannot even claim sw. I dont know how these things happen, alot of people who iv spoken to say its down to a mid life crisis. The way i deal with it is to ignore so im afraid i cant help on that front...just had to post as i identify so much with what your saying. Feel free to P.M if you ever want to talk.

curlzy

Wow your thread really makes me appreciate my parents! Sorry to be blunt but your father sounds like a selfish, nasty and pathetic piece of crap, you are WAY better off with him out of your life. I would echo previous advise and tell you to look after your mum and sister, help where you can. I'd say you'll all help each other through it, there's 7 of you, with you all pulling together you'll make it through. I would look into getting your mum some legal representation, I know it's expensive but with your 5 siblings you should be able to figure it out. I don't know what to tell you with regards to your father but my gut instinct is why worry about him? He's a piece of crap, he might have cash but what's that worth when you're a crap human being? His just deserts is that he has to live with what he's done and live as a person that is so crap that they are willing to hurt their whole family. So yeah I can't advise on how to not think about him, I know I'd be consumed with rage, but maybe get into councelling, I'd say that would help.