Next Step

LegacyUser

I'll just start this thread by giving a bit of background. I am 2 months out of a very painful break up with my girlfriend of almost 5 years. I felt my life had fallen in around me when I lost her. She was my everything and suddenly she was gone from my life. The reason for the break up was that I learned she had a 5 month affair with a manager of hers at work. My trust was completely shattered, yet I still found myself in the situation of pleading for her to give us one more go.

Looking back now I realise how stupid that was. I never did anything wrong over the course of those 5 amazing years together yet here I was doing all the pleading. I continued to be a crutch for her after the break up, she called me when she needed to talk but all the while everything was on her terms. I spent many a night crying myself stupid and asking for her company, she shunned all those requests. I finally got myself together and cut all contact 3 weeks ago. She has called, emailed and text in the interim looking for help with various things but I have ignored her. This was extremely hard for me to do as I love the woman deeply despite what she did to me. She is simply trying to continue to play me for a fool, however, and I'm not having it. I deserve better and I need to move on slowly.

Fast forward to the last 3 weeks. A new girl started where I work and I won't lie, there was an immediate attraction. I decided to ask her to lunch and she said she'd love to. Lunch together was strangely like a first date, exchanging stuff about our backgrounds and getting in to deep conversations which would seem out of place on a lunch between colleagues. We had plenty of laughs and came to realise that we shared a lot of the same interests.
The very next day she was asking me to go to lunch with her again and there was plenty of chat back and forth on the internal office communicator. This trend has continued for 2 weeks now.

The dilemma I have however is that she has a boyfriend, despite what feels obvious interest. I don't know how to proceed in this scenario. I want to ask her to go with me to the opera for example, as we both share a love of it. I don't want to put her in an awkward situation however.

I have been on the other side of a cheating partner and experienced the hurt it causes. I don't want to be the guy who may end up causing that pain to another bloke.

Any ideas on how to approach this?

I am a friend

Tell her out straight that you like her and would like to take her out on a date but you can only do so when she is single.

If she likes you enough she will finish with her bf, if not, then you have her answer.

Zen65

cautious_steps wrote: »

Any ideas on how to approach this?

This is probably not the advice you want, but I think you're barking up the wrong tree. To go from ending a five-year relationship which ended under awful circumstances straight into another serious relationship is most likely a mistake.

This is a work colleague, so "just playing around" with her is a poor strategy. I would suggest you need more time for yourself, or to get out and about mixing with women for short-term-not-too-serious relationships, before you rush into such a complicated relationship with a girl from your workplace who is already in a relationship.

Unless of course, you genuinely enjoy torturing yourself?

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Let me just clarify. I am not looking for any sort of relationship after what I have just come through. I'm just simply looking at exploring some fun with this girl and see where it might go from there.

I am a friend

So you want a f-buddy situation with this girl who has a boyfriend??

After what you have been through why would you do this to someone else??

Firetrap

It has only been 3 weeks and it's very likely your head is still in an utter mess. You need to be sorting things out in your own mind, not plunging into a scenario which has disaster written all over it.

Read again what you wrote

I have been on the other side of a cheating partner and experienced the hurt it causes. I don't want to be the
guy who may end up causing that pain to another bloke.

What you're proposing to do is precisely this and you will be putting her into an awkward situation. This colleague of yours has a boyfriend already. End of.
What do you think he'd say if she says "Oh, I'm off to the opera tonight with Jim"? Or do you expect her to lie and tell him she's off out for a night with the girls?

What if she decides she fancies you and dumps her boyfriend? What will you do then?

You also need to remember that she's a work colleague. Mixing business and pleasure is a thorny subject at the best of times, let alone on the basis you're proposing.

Miss Fluff

Hon, it's quite clear from your post that a. you are very raw from the break-up and b. ever so slightly deluded. This girl doesn't even sound interested in you, she is in a new job and has accepted what she thinks is your hand of friendship. Propositioning her in any way or even asking her on a date (SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND :rolleyes:) is just going to make you look a bit sleazy tbh.

Take some time out to be on your own and get your head together, you're not thinking straight.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

So you want a f-buddy situation with this girl who has a boyfriend??

After what you have been through why would you do this to someone else??

Woah there. Where did I mention anything about a f-buddy? I never mentioned sex in any of my posts. I am simply looking at platonic fun with a girl who I get on with.

I don't intend to make anything complicated for her. If she states she feels that I am then I'll back straight off. I already said I know how it feels to be on the other side.

I am a friend

So you want to be friends with her. Normally on boards fun = sex :P

Why this girl? There should be no issue but I doubt her bf would be happy.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

So you want her as a friend, that's all?

You have no romantic interest at all?

I said in my opening post that there was an immediate attraction so to rule out a romantic interest would be lying. I am not however about to steamroll in there and lay my feelings on the line. I respect completely the fact that she is in a relationship but also would like to take her out, just as a friend initially. If I get the feeling that there may be a desire on her part to take it further I may not be able to stop myself. That's why I'm confused and wondering if I should just back off completely?

Kevin Duffy

cautious_steps wrote: »

Fast forward to the last 3 weeks. A new girl started where I work and I won't lie, there was an immediate attraction. I decided to ask her to lunch and she said she'd love to. Lunch together was strangely like a first date, exchanging stuff about our backgrounds and getting in to deep conversations which would seem out of place on a lunch between colleagues. We had plenty of laughs and came to realise that we shared a lot of the same interests.


The dilemma I have however is that she has a boyfriend, despite what feels obvious interest. I don't know how to proceed in this scenario. I want to ask her to go with me to the opera for example, as we both share a love of it. I don't want to put her in an awkward situation however.

I have been on the other side of a cheating partner and experienced the hurt it causes. I don't want to be the guy who may end up causing that pain to another bloke.

cautious_steps wrote: »

Let me just clarify. I am not looking for any sort of relationship after what I have just come through. I'm just simply looking at exploring some fun with this girl and see where it might go from there.

cautious_steps wrote: »

Woah there. Where did I mention anything about a f-buddy? I never mentioned sex in any of my posts. I am simply looking at platonic fun with a girl who I get on with.

I don't intend to make anything complicated for her. If she states she feels that I am then I'll back straight off. I already said I know how it feels to be on the other side.

cautious_steps wrote: »

I said in my opening post that there was an immediate attraction so to rule out a romantic interest would be lying......If I get the feeling that there may be a desire on her part to take it further I may not be able to stop myself.

I don't know if you're confused or just lying, first to yourself and then on here. Everything suggests you are interested in the girl sexually, but then you react like you'd been accused of a crime when someone points it out.

You've already taken a step towards being the other bloke, this is probably how your ex and her colleague started. Don't pretend what you're doing is entirely innocent, you know well it's not.

LegacyUser

I appreciate everybody's input and of course you are right. I should just back off now. The problem I face is that there is a really strong attraction and I don't know if I can trust my feelings enough not to act upon them. Perhaps I am just still emotionally unstable after what I've been through and am looking to replace that void in my life?

I am a friend

cautious_steps wrote: »

I said in my opening post that there was an immediate attraction so to rule out a romantic interest would be lying. I am not however about to steamroll in there and lay my feelings on the line. I respect completely the fact that she is in a relationship but also would like to take her out, just as a friend initially. If I get the feeling that there may be a desire on her part to take it further I may not be able to stop myself. That's why I'm confused and wondering if I should just back off completely?

You are confused, confusing (in your posts) and obviously not bring honest. You fancy her and that's why you want to 'take her out' - let's call a spade a spade. If you just wAnt to be friends then you need to ask her bf to come as well... Otherwise back off....

Wompa1

Have to agree. Best leave her alone.

Also don't know if you are the same as me. But I felt like I wanted to at least getting an attractive girl to pay me some attention after my breakup so I'd get some self confidence back. In a few months when you've not had contact with your last g/f you'll have a clearer head.

fallen01angel

cautious_steps wrote: »

I appreciate everybody's input and of course you are right. I should just back off now. The problem I face is that there is a really strong attraction and I don't know if I can trust my feelings enough not to act upon them. Perhaps I am just still emotionally unstable after what I've been through and am looking to replace that void in my life?

Hi OP,you've been through some tough times lately,I think everyone posting here would agree. But you are attracted to this girl and she may be giving off signals that she feels the same way,BUT at the end of the day she is the one in a relationship with an innocent party,the same way you were the innocent party in your relationship-so do yourself a favour,distant yourself from this girl,if she decides she wants to be stay with her current boyfriend or break up with him and see where things with you and her,then let it be her decision,let her make the choice....it really does come down to treating others the way you would like to be treated.....