Slowly losing my mind...

LegacyUser

I'm a regular poster on boards but I thought it better to go unregged for this one...

I'm a college student and have it alright, studying for a degree, good friends, a long-term partner who loves and cares for me, what more could I want?

When I was in Secondary I always felt pretty depressed, my friends were shallow and I was stressed out about exams and what-not, I felt really happy in TY and I met my partner then, but once 5th year came it all came flooding back. I tried to see the doctor about it once but she just blamed it on exam stress, teenage hormones etc, and I thought she might be right, she told me to exercise regularly to release endorphins, which I now do.

Once I reached college I was mostly relieved about having the leaving over, results were amazing, and I was pretty happy. Christmas exams came and so did the cloud of sadness again. Exams over happy again, rinse and repeat for the summer. It was always triggered by stress, so I paid no heed to it, maybe everyone's like this? But I was depressed all summer, for no reason really.

And now I'm back at college it's worse, even though I've no stress as such yet. I had to go home to the parents for a week and my partner visited me, I spent the whole day with them being pretty cold and kind of pushing them away, and when they went to leave at like 10pm I just broke down, locked myself in the bathroom and cried for no evident reason, even to me. I'm amazed they haven't dumped me after 4 years of this tbh.

I've tried going to the college counsellor but I just got aggravated at her, I felt worse after it, and it's so busy because it's free, my next appointment would have been 3 weeks later. So I just didn't bother again. I don't want to go back to the doctor because I don't want to hear the same thing again, I just felt left alone and ignored last time. I don't know what to do, since my episode I've been normal and sane again, but I can feel it wanting to come out again. I feel bad because it's my partner who gets the brunt of it because I'm not afraid to talk to them, but they don't deserve my problems on top of their own.

I just feel like I can't ask for help, this is anon so it kind of helps, but when I try to I just seize up and can't explain it any more, I just end up blabbering off something ridiculous (though I am kind of ranting on now). Has anyone had any sort of similar experience? How did you get through it because the light at the end of the tunnel slowly seems to be diminishing, my siblings and partner are the only things holding me here now.

Zen65

hardtocope wrote: »

I just feel like I can't ask for help, this is anon so it kind of helps, but when I try to I just seize up and can't explain it any more, I just end up blabbering off something ridiculous ........

The anonymity of this forum may help you to say what's on your mind, but the feedback you get will be of limited value to you. You are describing symptoms / feelings / thoughts to us in a limited way, because the medium is limited. Why not try an anonymous phone call to somebody who might help you get your thoughts together in a way that would then make face-to-face counselling more successful?

Perhaps calling the Samaritans would help? Perhaps you could get some information which might help you from Aware? Your post paints a picture of you being a bit passive about your problems, whereas if you take firm action yourself to deal with them you'll be giving yourself a much better chance of a quick recovery.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Hi Zen65, thanks for replying.

I guess you're right, I just didn't really know where else to say it, I find comfort on boards so I thought it might help. I've had the Samaritans number in my phone for years, I've tried to call a few times but always hang up in a panic before I get through. Maybe I'll try again. I just feel like there's so many more people in real need who might be trying to get through and I'm just holding up the line...I'll have a look at the Aware page though, thanks