Love vs lust

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm going out with my boyfriend four years, love him to bits, we have our ups and down (nothing ever major- silly crap ) we plan on emigrating to Canada next year.

Now I'm having doubts, just in the last week.

I was out last Saturday night and I met a fella (Bill we'll call him! ) :rolleyes:

Nothing happened, I am completely loyal to my bf. I told Bill I had a bf and that was fine.. at the start.

Fast forward 6 hours and its 9am and were still chatting in the hotel corridor were both staying in (different rooms obviously as we're strangers!)

It was so much fun, we had sooo much in common. Such a connection. Such craic.

Bill was full of complements for me, your so pretty, so attracted to you etc. I wish you didnt have a bf. If things were different. Some day.... etc

He asked for my number, I declined as I said it wasn't appropriate.. I wouldn't like my bf givin his number to a girl he met on a night out like

So I was very loyal and didn't let anything happen... Im wrecked at this stage (9am stil!) and he walked me to my room where my friends were asleep. Asked could he come in as he didn't remember his number. I said ok... wasn't sure about his intentions!!

I got into a double bed with my friend and Bill was like "what you at get into this bed with me".
I said no way, you know the craic..
He got into his own bed and was snorin within minutes.
I wake up at 11am and he's gone!

It's now Friday and he hasn't left my mind since.

At the time I liked him but never thought anything would come of it.

I feel terrible guilt to my boyfriend, nothing happend but yes I did want it too.

I'm secretly hoping Bill will get in contact with me.
Or I keep thinking of ways of gettin chattin to him either. I know his sister well so would be easy for me to get his no...

But thats not fair on Bill and more importantly my bf.


I'm super confused.

I can't be as in love with my bf as I think if I'm having such strong feelings for Bill.
Maybe I just loved the attention, got a kick outta doing somethin 'bold' with Bill.

I think my bf knows somethings up as I'm weird with him all week.
I'm riddled with guilt.


Any body been in my situation???

I love my bf, I lust Bill.

Realistically I should put it down to one of those nights. Thats what I'd tell other posters..

I can't get Bill out of my mind for more than 10 mins..

Face. Melt.

Danniboo

Sorry to be blunt OP but it looks like he was just after one thing. "I don't know my number" :rolleyes: please tell me you didn't believe that. And then get into this bed with me? OP please wake up and smell the coffee before you ruin something that actually means something with your bf. Put it this way if Bill was that fascinated with you, would he not have stuck around for more than 2 hours? Maybe hoping to speak to you when you woke? No he simply said, get in to this bed with me and then left when you didn't reciprocate.

You say he gave you loads of compliments but all you've mentioned are remarks he made about your physical appearance. Did he say you had a connection, loads in common etc? Some men (not all of them:D) but some of them will say absolutely anything to get a girl into bed. I literally had some sicko tell me he had cancer before which was a lie.

OP i'd seriously be looking long and hard at your relationship with your boyfriend if all it takes for your eye to wander is some random stranger to tell you your pretty. Does your boyfriend compliment you? Do you have a lot in common?

fungun

face melt wrote: »

I told Bill I had a bf and that was fine.. at the start.

Bill was full of complements for me, your so pretty, so attracted to you etc. I wish you didnt have a bf. If things were different. Some day.... etc

He asked for my number

he walked me to my room where my friends were asleep. Asked could he come in

I got into a double bed with my friend and Bill was like "what you at get into this bed with me".

He got into his own bed and was snorin within minutes.
I wake up at 11am and he's gone!

Read these bits of your post. IMO Bill liked you, wanted a shag from the start despite you having a bf. Kept going all the way as you kept giving in in small ways during the night. But when nothing happened he left pretty quick.

If he really though 'some day' he would have given you his number/not left your room

face melt wrote: »

Realistically I should put it down to one of those nights. Thats what I'd tell other posters..

Exactly!

Joey the lips

Bill was only after one thing. Any man that knows your in a relationship but still tries it on cannot be trusted in my opinion.

The fact that he tried to get into your bed first night also says a lot.

If bill contacts you see how much he want to persue a relationship without sex for a while.

BraziliaNZ

Whether he was only after one thing or not is besides the point, the girl was entertaining him, let's not hate on the guy. Anyway what's wrong with looking for sex?
Either way, this is the dilema of life. Do you stay with someone because you feel loyal to them, or do you go with the guy that will lead you away from the banality and give you excitement, even though you know that will wear off?
No one can tell you what to do but yourself. Will you be happy with your bf in the long term? Or do you crave something different? Work it out, and if you decide to leave, just be honest with your bf, you're only human don't beat yourself up for wanting something different.

Peanut2011

Joey the lips wrote: »

Bill was only after one thing. Any man that knows your in a relationship but still tries it on cannot be trusted in my opinion.

The fact that he tried to get into your bed first night also says a lot.

If bill contacts you see how much he want to persue a relationship without sex for a while.

Dear OP,

I have to agree with most of the quoted post, however the part in bold I do not agree with. I would stay well away from Bill and do not let yourself be fooled.

All you got from Bill was an extra boost to your confidence as it was nice someone noticed you and so on. However from all you said to me it would say if you had slept with him like he tried you would not have heard from him again.

Furthermore, the fact that you let your guard down and fell for the "I don't know my room number" should have given you the wake up call. If you and your OH are not at the best place you need to examine what is missing in your relationship and if you can work on it.

If a few flattering comments can get you to the stage it got you and make you so unsure about your own relationship there are a lot of alarm bells.

I will commend you for resisting the temptation and not even giving your number.

Danniboo

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Whether he was only after one thing or not is besides the point, the girl was entertaining him, let's not hate on the guy. Anyway what's wrong with looking for sex?
Either way, this is the dilema of life. Do you stay with someone because you feel loyal to them, or do you go with the guy that will lead you away from the banality and give you excitement, even though you know that will wear off?
No one can tell you what to do but yourself. Will you be happy with your bf in the long term? Or do you crave something different? Work it out, and if you decide to leave, just be honest with your bf, you're only human don't beat yourself up for wanting something different.

You've missed the point entirely this is not a debate on whether it is wrong or not to just been looking for sex. The fact of the matter is the OP was blinded to this mans motives, thinking they had some "love at first sight" connection. That's why it was pointed out that he was only looking for sex. What excitement?? This guy was gone as soon as he realised he wasn't getting what he wanted? If the OP leaves her bf it should not be a decision thats influenced by Mr Prince Charming, do you think he's going to be there waiting to sweep her off her feet :rolleyes: Some people have seen too many rom coms.

floorpie

face melt wrote: »

Bill was full of complements for me, your so pretty, so attracted to you etc. I wish you didnt have a bf. If things were different. Some day.... etc

Do people really fall for stuff like this? It always struck me as cheesy. And i mean, words *are* cheap, especially in a side-by-side comparison to your boyfriend sticking around for four years.

face melt wrote: »

Asked could he come in as he didn't remember his number. I said ok... wasn't sure about his intentions!!

Nobody else has brought it up, and maybe it's my own insecurity, but you already crossed a line here and i hope your boyfriend doesn't find out about you effectively inviting a guy you liked back to your room, whether something happened or not. It'll be a hit to whatever trust yous have built up. Maybe that's just me though.

Oh and lastly, you'll probably always find yourself having crushes while being involved in a committed relationship, it's normal. Learn to deal with it or the same crap will just keep happening.

floorpie

Danniboo wrote: »

Some people have seen too many rom coms.

This does ring true, but i think that it'd be naive to assume that there's no biological (if that's the right word) basis to the excitement of a new fling/relationship, or well, you'd be wrong to assume it, so it's not as clear cut as saying people watch too many rom-coms; the drive to do it is deeper than that. There's also benefit and a biological basis to being in a committed relationship too though, so learn to handle these lust-crushes.

Oryx

Bill was a charmer. He didnt want a connection, a soul mate, or the love of his life, he wanted a shag. Kept trying every trick in the book. Write him off as a player, because if you do get in touch with him, he will do his charm thing again.

Theres nothing wrong with having your head turned by him. It was a bit of excitement and attention, your mistake would be to think there was more to it than that. Let the dust, and your lust, settle for a week or two, and youll look back and wonder what on earth you were thinking.

OP,
"I lost/forgot my number, can I have yours" is a standard line and nothing else. He was after one thing.

there is nothing wrong with being flattered by compliments, but if you are in any way hung up on him, which I suppose you are if you're starting this thread, I would take it as a sign that you have something to think about on your relationship - are you having problems there? Are you just ambling along and maybe you both need to put more effort in together?

floorpie

bluewolf wrote: »

OP,
"I lost/forgot my number, can I have yours" is a standard line and nothing else.

"Lost his room number" is a standard line? Fairly bizarre one don't ye think...when the reception is just a lift ride away? How often are people hooking up in hotels that that's become a standard line :S

floorpie

floorpie wrote: »

"Lost his room number" is a standard line? Fairly bizarre one don't ye think...when the reception is just a lift ride away? How often are people hooking up in hotels that that's become a standard line :S

I was talking about phone numbers. This one isn't far off.

floorpie

bluewolf wrote: »

I was talking about phone numbers. This one isn't far off.

It's not far off, grammatically, but the meaning behind it is just so bizarrely different. "I forgot my room number can i sleep in your bed"? I'd be more worried that they're mentally deficient than whether i'm turned on or not.

I've always felt that, when you're flirting, it doesn't matter what you say; the 'flirtation' happens at a deeper level, for example eye contact, touch etc. You could almost say anything when yous are both in the zone. That 'im such a stupid, i forgot my room number duhhhhh' line just adds to my certainty.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Well first off I want to thank each and every one of you for your honest, blunt, understanding and eye opening posts.

Last night my face was wrecked, riddled with guilt and needed to talk to someone who didn't know me or my boyfriend. I've been goin over and over this all week and was so good in itself to just get it out on paper/keyboard!


First off, of course the notion of he just wanted a shag has been playing on my mind a lot.
When he asked me to get into his bed, I was a bit pissed off. I just laughed it off. I was thinking have you not listened to a word I said all night!?!

A poster asked was it all about physical compliments and the answer to that would be no.
He said he found it very hard to talk to women, he was quite shy at the start. He said I was very easy to talk to. We actually shared personal stuff. . very personal.

Writing this I feel silly! His words do sound cheap but it is very hard to explain how real maybe surreal our conversation was.

A few of you are askin if I'm happy with my bf and are things ok.
In general they are great! Suppose we're well past the honeymoon stage and meetin Bill reminded me of how I felt when I first met my bf. The excitement!!

The compliments my bf give me are few and far between but they are real. As in when we're goin out and I'm all dolled up he's very happy with me and will tell me so. Or sometimes in the mornin when I've just woke up he'll tell me I look nice. There my fave!

I suppose the amount of compliments Bill gave me in one night was more than my bf would give in a month.. But I realise now my bfs compliments make me feel loved, safe and happy where as Bills nearly made me feel uncomfortable as he wouldn't stop! !

To clarify I wouldn't leave my bf over one night of endless exciting conversation.
I'm not stupid if I was to get with Bill he could never trust me as I got with him by beeing unfaithful.. Viscous circle!

I have a lot of owing up to do with my bf don't I.

I feel rather stupid now but also feel so much better to get others perspectives. So all good.


Thank you again for your kind replies! !! !

Oryx

floorpie wrote: »

It's not far off, grammatically, but the meaning behind it is just so bizarrely different. "I forgot my room number can i sleep in your bed"? I'd be more worried that they're mentally deficient than whether i'm turned on or not.

I've always felt that, when you're flirting, it doesn't matter what you say, the 'flirtation' happens at a deeper level, for example eye contact, touch etc. You could almost say anything when yous are both in the zone. That 'im such a stupid, i forgot my room number duhhhhh' line just adds to my certainty.

floorpie, please stick to the topic, and keep comments helpful to the op.

floorpie

Oh ok sorry, my point mightn't have been clear; i simply meant that asking for a number is a fine timeless classic of a line, asking to sleep in her bed because he forgot his room number is another thing altogether, it's beyond obvious; she needs to learn from the experience and forget about him, because he was clearly, to an almost stupid degree, after one thing.

floorpie

Eh i don't want to take up too much of this thread, but i'll just say one last thing. It's great that you don't want to let the experience affect your relationship, and i hope it all works out for you. But just one word of caution:

"I wouldn't leave my bf over one night of endless exciting conversation.
I'm not stupid if I was to get with Bill he could never trust me as I got with him by being unfaithful.. Viscous circle!"

You're saying one thing, but the language that you're using, in parts, makes it seem like you haven't resolved whatever it is you're trying to resolve in your own head. So i guess just make sure that, if you're going to own up to your boyfriend like you say, you don't indirectly show that you're still unsure about your feelings on the matter.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Sorry I didn't mean own up to him.
I meant I need to make it up to him even tho he doesn't know anything happened!
Nothing did happen sur! I wont be mentioning it to him.

Yeah?

floorpie

face melt wrote: »

Sorry I didn't mean own up to him.
I meant I need to make it up to him even tho he doesn't know anything happened!
Nothing did happen sur! I wont be mentioning it to him.

Yeah?

Sounds like a plan to me, seems like you know what you're doing from now. I wish somebody else would chime in too though...

Just to say quickly though, the way you felt (the excitement etc) was normal, it's the way the chemicals in our brain work (from what i know), but just because you felt excited by Bill temporarily doesn't mean you *don't* feel a certain way about your partner, so don't let the incident detract from the love and importance of what you've built up with your bf over time

El Nero

Danniboo wrote: »

Sorry to be blunt OP but it looks like he was just after one thing. "I don't know my number" :rolleyes: please tell me you didn't believe that. And then get into this bed with me? OP please wake up and smell the coffee before you ruin something that actually means something with your bf. Put it this way if Bill was that fascinated with you, would he not have stuck around for more than 2 hours? Maybe hoping to speak to you when you woke? No he simply said, get in to this bed with me and then left when you didn't reciprocate.

You say he gave you loads of compliments but all you've mentioned are remarks he made about your physical appearance. Did he say you had a connection, loads in common etc? Some men (not all of them:D) but some of them will say absolutely anything to get a girl into bed. I literally had some sicko tell me he had cancer before which was a lie.

OP i'd seriously be looking long and hard at your relationship with your boyfriend if all it takes for your eye to wander is some random stranger to tell you your pretty. Does your boyfriend compliment you? Do you have a lot in common?

Agree totally & 100% here. Daniboo is clearly a person who knows how men think.

OP, everyone feels lust from time to time, its perfectly natural. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did nothing wrong.

You have something special.
Go to Canada & forget about Bill who was clearly looking for 1 thing.
Men (well some) can fairly easily manipulate you by throwing you lots of compliments & listening to you talk about stuff your interested in & all of a sudden you think you have so much in common.
I'm sorry but women can be quite easy to manipulate sometimes & it seems like you were probably an easy target that night.

Don't ruin what you have for a night of lust.
Is one night of lust worth 2 years of guilt?

Zen65

face melt wrote: »

I have a lot of owing up to do with my bf don't I.

Actually, no you don't.

You enjoyed the company of a man who made you feel good about yourself. I agree with the other posters here, Bill was only after one thing but he was good at it. He did not believe that you would resist him (hence the phoney nonsense about forgetting his room number) and pursued to to the end. And despite all that, you remained loyal to your boyfriend.

So first off, well done for being the kind of person that places love over lust. You may have been tempted (and we all are, from time to time) but you held your ground. Frankly you deserved the attention because from your posts you sound like a lovely person and your boyfriend is lucky to have you.

Now write that all down to experience and get back to working on your relationship. It sounds like you and your boyfriend need to reinvent your relationship just a little, to keep the spark alive. Although Bill was at the core just a player, what you've learned from him is the importance of both parties in a relationship making an effort to keep your relationship exciting!!

Be at peace,

Z

woodsie72

dont confuse you needing to pour your heart out to someone,male or female as anything serious,youre in need of a good chat with someone who wont judge or ignore youre feelings...........

Peanut2011

face melt wrote: »

I have a lot of owing up to do with my bf don't I.

OP, I know many have already said that there is nothing to explain to your OH and I do know what you meant by this line, however there is just one word of warning.

Considering Bill was seen talking to you the whole night, are you sure no one who knows you or your OH have seen Bill go in to your room?

As innocent as it all was from what you have said, that may not be the way others may have seen it and if that does get back to your OH it can cause you problems no matter what.

Furthermore I hope you can learn from this and be better prepared should something similar come up. Also, sharing personal stuff or as you say very personal stuff with the stranger can be very dangerous.

Sorry OP but there are men (and women) out there that will say what ever you want to hear just to get their own way. Why did you feel so comfortable to share all that very personal stuff with him? How do you know he was genuine? To me it sounds he played the "shy" lad all too well and even you know now that he was only after one thing?

Once again, I really do applaud you on resisting temptation, however I would hate to think what could have happened had you not been staying with the friends in the room.

What ever you do and decide to do or say to your OH, put yourself in his shoes.

BoardsMember

Whatever about Bill, and how genuine or other his motives, it doesnt really matter and is largely irrelevant. He's single, presumably, and found the OP attractive. End of story as far as he's concerned.

As someone mentioned, we'll all be tempted from time to time. So it's all about whether you put yourself in that situation, and how long you let it continue. What age is the OP? She strikes me as being a bit naive. The problem she left herself with was that she was enjoying the attention, flattery & flirting too much. That's just a bit teenager-like for me. It's not right to put yourself in that situation, maybe a short chat etc, but as soon as you stay when you know the other side wants more than you have to offer, then you end the conversation. Fairer, easier, more honourable all round.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much Zen 65. Your post really made me smile, and allowed me to move on.

To the poster who asked my age I'm 26. Naive maybe yeah, but teenage like I don't believe I am.

Thanks to all the replies, Bill has just about left the building!