College :(

Your_Song

Hey everyone,

I'm 18 year old lad and Just started college. I've never had a girlfriend in my entire life. I thought by starting college, things would change, things would get better.

I would move out of my small town into to a new world, with so many more girls to meet. However, its not happening like that. I watch on on a night out as my friends "get with" girls.

It's not like I don't try, I have kissed a few girls before. But, I dunno, everyone in finds it so much easier than me. I'd start a conversation, but just get knocked back with "Ive a BF" or something along them lines to get me to **** off.

I don't think its like I'm ugly or anything, I have been told by some girls that Im quite good looking. I also try to dress well, look after myself etc.

I really thought by starting college, it would open so much up for me.
But it really hasn't. Its more led me to this **** mentality, that its a failed night if I dont get with a girl. Possibly the worst thing that I can do

I really don't know how to do it, I can't understand how everyone finds it so much easier, Its really annoying. Its my 1st year of college and thats why I know I should be going out and enjoying myself but its so hard to do that when you have this in your head all the time

any advice, from anyone?

Concentrate on making friends in college.

Not only might you find a bit of romance, but if you concentrate on friends first you'll have a more solid collection of college friends, and they'll probably help you out on the finding-someone-to-get-with front.

To be honest, it's a pretty big turn off when you can tell a guy is just on a mission to get with someone for the sake of it. (IMO only, obviously some people are different)

Your_Song

true-or-false wrote: »

To be honest, it's a pretty big turn off when you can tell a guy is just on a mission to get with someone for the sake of it. (IMO only, obviously some people are different)

Yeah I'm well aware of that tbh haha

Thanks for the advice:pac:

Firetrap

The one thing that screams out from your post is DESPERATION. As a woman, I can assure you that a desperate man is a real turn-off. Honestly, we female folk can sniff it a mile away. Worse still, you sound like you're desperate and horny...

Calm down and stop defining a good night out as being one where you see some action. How about trying to get to know girls as people, not as objects to get with?

Wompa1

This will get flak but it's just my experience and I know it was the same for 2 or 3 other guys I know.

During secondary school and the first year or 2 of college I wasn't popular with girls. Like yourself I had some who told me I was attractive, even had the too nice excuse thrown my way a few times.

From my third year of college on I've had women in my life constantly (not bragging!)

My theory on this is that I didn't have any edge that girls would look for to begin with. I had one girl during secondary school which ironically was when I got a car.

I think young girls are very impressionable and the guy they choose is as an extension of themselves. They wouldn't just go out with a nice guy, it has to be somebody that might impress their friends or give them some sort of social status. I kept to myself and didn't drink or do drugs. It seemed the guys who mitched off school, did drugs, were boy racers etc. were the guys who got the girls during secondary school.

In the first couple of years of college it seemed like the yuppies did. If I could offer any advise it would be forget about girls. When you show no interest that will get their interest. As crappy as it sounds and negative towards women. Young girls don't react to you wanting them so don't.

dudara

College doesn't miraculously fix everything. In fact, it can be a desparately lonely place, but what it does do is give you the opportunity to experience new things. It's entirely up to you what you do with that opportunity. Join social clubs and societies so that you can meet women outside of nightclubs and in an environment where they can get to you know you properly.

You've also got to stop obsessing about kissing girls. It's not doing you any favours and is possibly making things worse. Instead, go out with friends and focus on building the network of friends who will take you through college. Relationships and girls will happen naturally. Don't try to force it.

Taltos

dudara wrote: »

College doesn't miraculously fix everything. In fact, it can be a desparately lonely place, but what it does do is give you the opportunity to experience new things. It's entirely up to you what you do with that opportunity. Join social clubs and societies so that you can meet women outside of nightclubs and in an environment where they can get to you know you properly.

You've also got to stop obsessing about kissing girls. It's not doing you any favours and is possibly making things worse. Instead, go out with friends and focus on building the network of friends who will take you through college. Relationships and girls will happen naturally. Don't try to force it.

+1
Actually if you do try to force it you will get a bad reputation for yourself - trust me - been there - know that guy... Just chat to people - focus on making friends and take it from there.
There was one chap in our class who tried (and failed) to work his way around each and every woman in the class. By the end of the year he had few if any friends and with that baggage behind him people were less inclined to include him as it was clear he only spoke to the women to try to hook up.

Get out and have new experiences, try some of the societies - good idea is to join those that have days out so you get to have a bit of a laugh like some of the adventure groups.

You will find that if you just relax, enjoy yourself and make friends things will slowly click for you.

pajunior

Wompa1 wrote: »

This will get flak but it's just my experience and I know it was the same for 2 or 3 other guys I know.

During secondary school and the first year or 2 of college I wasn't popular with girls. Like yourself I had some who told me I was attractive, even had the too nice excuse thrown my way a few times.

From my third year of college on I've had women in my life constantly (not bragging!)

My theory on this is that I didn't have any edge that girls would look for to begin with. I had one girl during secondary school which ironically was when I got a car.

I think young girls are very impressionable and the guy they choose is as an extension of themselves. They wouldn't just go out with a nice guy, it has to be somebody that might impress their friends or give them some sort of social status. I kept to myself and didn't drink or do drugs. It seemed the guys who mitched off school, did drugs, were boy racers etc. were the guys who got the girls during secondary school.

In the first couple of years of college it seemed like the yuppies did. If I could offer any advise it would be forget about girls. When you show no interest that will get their interest. As crappy as it sounds and negative towards women. Young girls don't react to you wanting them so don't.

Just before, someone comes in saying this isn't true in all girls.Yes it's not true in all but is true for a lot.
You're in first year so there is nothing wrong with just looking to have fun with girls without it being serious, don't follow this advice if you actually want to find a nice girl to have a relationship with.
Girls this age love attention, don't give it to them easily. The more you ignore them the more they will want your attention. It's as a poster said above, they notice desperation, so act as un-desperate as possible. Be a lads lad, have the craic with the boys give them all your attention and very often the girls will come to you.

Once again this will not work for all women and probably won't work for any nice women.

ibarelycare

OP it's the 23rd September. So presumably you started college about 2 weeks ago and you're complaining that you haven't found a girlfriend in that time? You need to relax BIG TIME. Even if you don't think it, you are probably giving off a very desperate vibe. Why the need to have a girlfriend so much??? A girlfriend doesn't define you or make you a better person. You should be concentrating enjoying making new friends and having new experiences. Please try to chill! Once you learn to relax, believe me, it will make a huge difference to how you come across to girls

Zen65

Your_Song wrote: »

I'm 18 year old lad and Just started college. I've never had a girlfriend in my entire life.

I don't like sounding harsh, but Op your post makes very little sense to me.

Firstly, you're 18 so your "entire life" to date represents only a tiny fraction of your adulthood. There's nothing remotely unusual about not having had a girlfriend by now..... and in truth most young teenagers who have girlfriends & boyfriends go through a series of shallow relationships based on the physical acts of kissing/touching. You've missed out on less than you imagine.

As for college sorting out your love life, well give it time. If you had an infection in your foot you'd have to be on antibiotics for longer than you've spent in college, so don't be judging the results based on what's happened in the past two weeks.

And finally, if you want to attract women there are some simple things you can do to improve your chances:

• Don't spend your time on the prowl for a girl, but instead focus on widening your social circles.
• Don't make every conversation with a girl into an attempt to move to a relationship. That comes across as being desperate! Get to know them as people, and get yourself known as a person rather than as a desperate guy looking for a girlfriend.
• Focus primarily on developing yourself to become more interesting: join sports clubs & societies which get you physically active & socially active
• Don't be whining (to yourself, or to others) about how you haven't scored yet; it's a self-fulfilling act of despair which leaves a stench in the room like five-day-old socks.
• Do pay attention to personal hygiene. I spent a day in a university this week and the number of students who clearly don't think taking a shower is a priority was unbelievable. A well-groomed guy will always be more highly sought by girls than a guy with body odour.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Some good advice above.

My college class wasnt terribly social and we never went out, I wasn't great with girls either in my first 2 years.
It was in my 3rd and 4th I began to make friends with other groups and went out more and to be honest it was through these groups I began to get with more girls. Thats how it happens a lot. People in groups hook up, or you'll meet a friend of one of them on a night out, or you just get a bit more "known" for just being involved in some groups and activities.

Girls in their teens and early twenties can be fickle (not all, but some of the more outgoing girls in clubs can be) and as you said, sometimes it's the guy with the gimmicks or something that stands out, are very outgoing or have the flashy car just get noticed more.

Someone mentioned about forgetting about girls and you will get girls, thats true but not as simple as it sounds. Don't forget about socializing altogether. Focus on becoming MORE social, with guys and girls in ALL situations but dont focus just on girls you are interested in. That way you end up with a bigger social circle and thats how you meet more people.

Also, I found it can be quite noticable if you only really pay attention to the "cute girls" in a class. I thought it stood out a mile when certain college mates went out of their way to always be nice to the hot girls but weren't so social with everyone else. You won't get them with kindness, it becomes quite obvious you are not being "nicer" but are hitting on them and this isn't always a good way to go either.

In ending, if you DO go the club route... your friends may get with girls but generally this is a numbers game. If you are a little shy and maybe try to coying speak to one or two girls a night you might not get far. The guys I knew who were good in clubs used to bounce around, try to meet every girl that passes them and by the end of the night they will score. One because they are "noticed" because they are talking to everyone and , two, because they are simply approaching so many, something eventually sticks when enough drink is involved.

Hope that was ok advice, chin up, it gets easier as you get older. College isn't always the sex fest some TV will have you think.

Your_Song

Hey again. Thanks for all the replies. Some of them are hitting me pretty hard tbh. Never thought it was possible to get embarsssed behind a plastic screen ffs:( but there's been many good points made, which I will take on board.thanks again.

Your_Song

so roughly, its 2 weeks later.

I went out tonight with the points above in the back of my mind. I went out to have fun, a few drinks and socialise with a few of my friends.

by pure coincidence, I got talking to a nice looking girl. We were talking away for a good 10mins. Everything was going great, I wasn't expecting anything to happen but it looked like they were.

unfortunelty, my friend comes out of nowhere and starts talking to her. Instantly I knew that any chance I had was gone. I walked away and came back in 10mins only to see them kissing each other. It crushed me.

Like I have done so many times before, I left a girl to a mate because I knew, I hadn't a hope. I got a taxi home alone and here I am writing this, still a small bit drunk.

things don't look like there ever going to change for me. It's breaking me.

Amzie

Dont let this break you, there are always going to be certain situations like this that will put you off! Just be yourself and if a girl dosent like you for who you are then she dosent deserve you!!
Your only after starting out in college so you have so much time yet to experience new things, meet new people and girls;) It will happen but try not to think about it 24/7:)

Contessa Raven

The first couple of months in first year are always a bit funny. Everyone is settling in and there's so much going on. Take this time to join a few societies or clubs and meet people.
The more people you meet, the more likely it is that you'll meet someone you click with.

I met my bf in college. We were in the same class but we didn't really talk all that much in the beginning. Halfway through the year we became friends and at the end of year ball we kissed and got together. I was like you before that.
I'd never had a bf, only kissed a few guys and all my friends were either coupled up or happily playing the singles game. It can be lonely.

It will happen for you but you can't rush it. There are lots of people in the same position as you (nice girls in your college too, I'm sure) who feel like they're missing out. You'll catch up eventually. What's the rush?

karaokeman

Amzie wrote: »

Just be yourself and if a girl dosent like you for who you are then she dosent deserve you!!

OP I am in the same situation as you.

Never really had a gf and only met a few girls who ended up liking me just as a friend.

But I would definitely say the above is the best advice given thus far. As much as I would love to have a gf, its no good when the girl is only trying to break your heart.

I've been in that situation before and really the only girls who it will work out with are the ones that like you for who you are and nothing else.

LegacyUser

I really don't want to come across as rude or a know-all but I don't think the advice given has been brilliant. I'm in a really similar situation to the OP and it really gets you down sometimes.

I get that desperation is a big turn off but there's no way he talks in real life like he does under an anonymous account in the "personal issues" section of a forum online. Most of the advice seems to amount to "don't go after girls, just make more friends". One thing I do know about is getting stuck in the friend zone because its happened to me countless times. In secondary school, I never went after girls and by the end, I felt like every girl just saw me as asexual. It's horrible feeling, borderline depressing. And telling someone "it's not that important" is about as effective as saying "stop being sad".

It's not easy to just try and chill out and be happy with your friends when everyone around you seems to be getting some action. They're giving out condoms in the "free stuff bags" during orientation week. Everyone is always talking about going out and getting the shift later or last night or whatever. It's certainly the case that most college students are doing the stuff that people like me and the OP want to be doing.

I get the "ignoring girls" thing to an extent too but you can hardly just go around only talking to other guys and showing no interest whatsoever. Sure, if you're an amazingly good catch that might work but the onus is on the men to make the first move most of the time. I know nobody wants to end up like the poor fella who asked every girl out and got a bad name for himself but it's hardly all black and white is it?

And as for "why do you need to have a girlfriend so much?", I don't think that's putting it the right way. It's not a case of being overly clingy or anything, you just see a hell of a lot of good looking girls in college. It's not nice being in the minority who can't figure out any way to do something about it. In the OP's words "I can't understand how everyone finds it so much easier".

OP, I really feel for you on the thing where your friend stole the girl. It seems like if something like that ever happens to you again, take the guy to the side and just explain the situation to him. As long as he's not an asshole or gargantuan proportions, I'm sure he'd let you at it.


Sorry for the rant, I'm just kind of frustrated about this too. I was also looking forward to going to college and meeting lots of girls and then realised I have no idea how to do anything about it.