love children more than partner

lecorbeau

Last night my partner told me that she loves her 2 daughters (my stepdaughters) and our son more than me.

She said that its normal for a mother to love her children more than husband/partner.

I told her I love her as equal as I love our children.

Would anyone else have an issue with this ?

The Lovely Muffin

I would have thought any parent would love their children more than their partner, especially a mother.

I guess maybe it varies from couple to couple/parent to parent though.

lecorbeau

thanks for the quick reply ...

I can understand it I suppose

Lollipops23

It's an evolutionary thing, we're designed (generally) to protect our offspring against everything we can. I wouldn't get upset about it, doesn't mean she doesn't love you too:) in some ways it's nice-she CHOSE to love you!:D

lecorbeau

thanks,

not really upset, just wanted to get other peoples feedback ....

Its got me thinking a bit and If Im 100% honest, I suppose I probably love my son more than her

How did this conversation come about?

lecorbeau

we were talking about her daughters my step daughters .... and I said I love them like my own chidlren ...

she then comes out with this comment ....

Acoshla

From the instinctive protection angle I see why someone would feel more of that for their children, but I would think loving them equally would be normal/ok, no? The singer Seal caused a ripple of media interest when he said he loved his wife Heidi Klum more than their children, because without her and their love and relationship the children would not exist, so his point was that by focusing on their relationship their children's lives were cared for, by being in a happy home with happy parents who were very in love. I see his point, but lots of people freaked out at that, saying it was wrong to love her more or the same as his children. Everyone will have different views on this.

kylith

From what I've gathered not only is it normal to love your children more than your partner, it's possible to love some of your children more than others. It's normal.

ash23

I think it's normal. I could live without a partner, get over them or stop loving them. I don't think I would ever get over losing my daughter or having to live without her. I doubt there is anything she could do that would result in me not loving her.

lecorbeau

thanks Ash, I can totally relate to that

Daisy M

I think the love a woman feels for her children includes an element of protectiveness that isnt as strong as she would feel for her husband/partner. So then the love/feelings she has towards each may be slightly different. Men probably have a strong sense of that protectiveness towards both their partner and children. Its lovely that you love your step daughters as much as your son. Sounds like ye have a lovely little family!

Zen65

lecorbeau wrote: »

Last night my partner told me that she loves her 2 daughters (my stepdaughters) and our son more than me.

That's pretty normal I would have thought?

Love for a partner is almost always conditional; if he/she treats you badly at any stage your love can be diminished. Love for your children is typically unconditional. I'm sure Jack-the-Ripper's mom loved him to the end.

I certainly don't think you should feel put out by it; it shows she's a great mother. Consider yourself lucky!

Be at peace,

Z

Ickle Magoo

Zen65 wrote: »

Love for a partner is almost always conditional; if he/she treats you badly at any stage your love can be diminished. Love for your children is typically unconditional.

Exactly this - I don't love my husband less than my kids, it's just a different kind of love...

username123

Zen65 wrote: »

Love for your children is typically unconditional. I'm sure Jack-the-Ripper's mom loved him to the end.

Disagree with this, if they behave badly enough towards you the love could be destroyed. Just to turn it on its head, I loved my father, as any child would, but his abusive alcoholic behaviour destroyed that love and I ended up hating him. I can see how the same could happen if a child treated a parent abusively. Its an extreme I know, but I dont believe in unconditional love - in any human relationship.

I would think (im not a parent) that the love a woman feels for her children is different to the love she feels for her partner, not any more or less strong or deep but different in that there is an element of protection and dependancy that doesnt exist with the love for a partner. There are many different kinds of love, we love family, partners, friends etc... but in different ways.

C-J

I love my partner and daughter exactly the same but it's a different kind of love. As somebody else said you can choose your partner but your child is your blood and a part of you. I also think it's very important to be able to show love and affection to your partner openly, it's crucial in making your child feel loved secure and rounded

willmunny1990

The love for a partner cant be the same as the love for ones child,i dont think you can love them exactly the same either,the love for your child is unconditional for most people where as the love for a husband/wife can end abruptly.

lecorbeau

lecorbeau wrote: »

we were talking about her daughters my step daughters .... and I said I love them like my own chidlren ...

she then comes out with this comment ....

I don't really see why she felt the need to make a comment like that.
They are two different types of affection. It wouldn't enter my head to quantify and compare like that.

Overheal

Cognitively I suppose we expect to love our partners as much as our children but I think if you look at the actual research done into the psychology of it, you definitely are more attuned and attached to your offspring than your spouse.

Either way it's silly to quantify love.

homerjay2005

ash23 wrote: »

I think it's normal. I could live without a partner, get over them or stop loving them. I don't think I would ever get over losing my daughter or having to live without her. I doubt there is anything she could do that would result in me not loving her.

i am assuming your talking as a single parent here or are you talking hypothetically? am quoting your post as a basis to start my post, so not talking directly to you, more so about the attitude in general.

this disturbs me to read a little to read this thread and indeed the theory in general that somebody should feel that they would love a child more than their partner, what is it, a competition? that would signify insecurity in a persons life to me that they know a child will stay with them forever but a parnter can leave.

in general, i find this " my child is my life" attitude of some people, very disturbing. children are part of your life, not the entire life, so are your parents, friends, husband/wife/partner etc etc.

i just find it a little bit strange that people can suddenly dismiss everything else in life once a child comes along, its an obsession that has led to alot of relationships collapsing in ireland. children are of course important, but there are many important things in life and its just strange that people have this "nothing else matters" attitude when it comes to children. people seem to forget that if other areas are neglected, then the child will suffer long term.

i would never, in my life dream of telling my partner that our children were more important than her. it takes 2 people to raise a child, equally and love them equally. no matter what bulls*it people can spin, a child needs 2 parents equally.

the obsession with children in certain elements is baffling.

LegacyUser

it's normal, biologically and psychologically we are 'made' to feel more 'love' for our offspring than a partner. the species would not have gone very far if not for that 'love' (i use ' around the word love as it is too complicated for one little word...there are theories and science etc behind it). i have 3 children, but i am not one of these people who say my children are my life, i'm not 'overly' maternal. but i love them, i love them more than my partner and i love my partner to bits, he is my soulamte. but partners can look after themselves, they dont NEED you...children do. they depend on you and test you, love you and hate you, as i say if it was not for that love humans (and other animals) would have died out before we started really.
i read about a thing called selfish gene theory years ago which was quite interesting, it goes into explaining the science behind love for your offspring.

i dont think it's so much that we love our kids more...it's just a totally different kind of love, one that drives us as a species. yes we need a partner to begin with but even for a monogamus species they 'can' come and go and do not depend on us.

my Oh is a stepdad to my eldest son, and this conversation has propped up before due to that. which is why it could have in the OP's case, though from how you wrote it it was a bit abrupt lol.