I'm the ugly friend

LegacyUser

the title says it all- I'm the ugly one amongst my friends. Guys overlook me on nights out, they'll briefly chat to me until they see one of my friends is available, talk to me to ask if one of my friends is single or talk to me politely chat to me because their friend is chatting up my friend.

I rarely get approached on a night out & I am never anyone's pick to be honest. The group of lads that we all hang around with all have had their various crushes on each of my friends- never me. It's not like they may be harbouring crushes for me & not telling anyone as they are pretty vocal about liking my other friends. Maybe they do fancy me but are too embarrassed to admit it to anyone.

For a long time I thought that all of this was just in my head. I've suffered from low self esteem & body dysmorphia & to be honest, it kind of suited me that no one fancied me because I was far too insecure to do anything about it.

Now, I feel more secure and confident in myself. I know I'm not hideous, I could even call myself pretty. I'm not skinny but am more comfortable in my body now than I ever have been. i've been called sexy a couple of times by various people, guys & girls. Everyone tells me I'm great fun, great sense of humour & that I'm caring & lovely etc. I'm not trying to boast here, just trying to figure things out.

But over the past couple of years, some people have told me straight out that I'm not as attractive as my friends. One girl, who I thought was a friend, said to me, "I know how you must feel to be the ugly friend." I couldn't even say anything back to her because the words stung. My friends always say, "you're gorgeous, guys love you etc" but their actions don't match their words. They'll talk about setting each other up with male friends, but don't include me. If I ever am chatting to a guy & things are looking good, they'll come over, interrupt & won't leave us alone, or else inflitrate the conversation & end up going home with him.
I've had a few random guys on nights out say similar things- I tried not to pay any attention to the comments, as these guys were strangers but it really hurt to hear someone else say out loud to me what I've been feeling all along.

When I showed my ex boyfriend pictures of me and my friends, he said "I never end up with the pretty one in a group". He then proceeded to tell me how gorgeous all my friends were & why I hadn't introduced them to him yet.

He answered his own question really. I do get interest from some guys & usually, they end up being flings rather than once off dates like my friends get. It's quality over quantity i guess, which is fine with me. But when I date a guy, I feel like I can't introduce him to my friends because he will want them more than me. So the relationship starts fizzling out & i'm back to square one.

I don't really know how to get around this or what I'm even looking for with this post, I just needed to get it off my chest.

Emme

pugly wrote: »

the title says it all- I'm the ugly one amongst my friends. Guys overlook me on nights out, they'll briefly chat to me until they see one of my friends is available, talk to me to ask if one of my friends is single or talk to me politely chat to me because their friend is chatting up my friend.

I rarely get approached on a night out & I am never anyone's pick to be honest. The group of lads that we all hang around with all have had their various crushes on each of my friends- never me. It's not like they may be harbouring crushes for me & not telling anyone as they are pretty vocal about liking my other friends. Maybe they do fancy me but are too embarrassed to admit it to anyone.

For a long time I thought that all of this was just in my head. I've suffered from low self esteem & body dysmorphia & to be honest, it kind of suited me that no one fancied me because I was far too insecure to do anything about it.

Now, I feel more secure and confident in myself. I know I'm not hideous, I could even call myself pretty. I'm not skinny but am more comfortable in my body now than I ever have been. i've been called sexy a couple of times by various people, guys & girls. Everyone tells me I'm great fun, great sense of humour & that I'm caring & lovely etc. I'm not trying to boast here, just trying to figure things out.

But over the past couple of years, some people have told me straight out that I'm not as attractive as my friends. One girl, who I thought was a friend, said to me, "I know how you must feel to be the ugly friend." I couldn't even say anything back to her because the words stung. My friends always say, "you're gorgeous, guys love you etc" but their actions don't match their words. They'll talk about setting each other up with male friends, but don't include me. If I ever am chatting to a guy & things are looking good, they'll come over, interrupt & won't leave us alone, or else inflitrate the conversation & end up going home with him.
I've had a few random guys on nights out say similar things- I tried not to pay any attention to the comments, as these guys were strangers but it really hurt to hear someone else say out loud to me what I've been feeling all along.

When I showed my ex boyfriend pictures of me and my friends, he said "I never end up with the pretty one in a group". He then proceeded to tell me how gorgeous all my friends were & why I hadn't introduced them to him yet.

He answered his own question really. I do get interest from some guys & usually, they end up being flings rather than once off dates like my friends get. It's quality over quantity i guess, which is fine with me. But when I date a guy, I feel like I can't introduce him to my friends because he will want them more than me. So the relationship starts fizzling out & i'm back to square one.

I don't really know how to get around this or what I'm even looking for with this post, I just needed to get it off my chest.

It sounds like the people you hang out with at present aren't doing you any good. Why do you hang out with these people if they make you feel bad? It doesn't sound like they're supportive towards you or helping you move forward in your life. These people are dragging you down.

You say that if a guy is chatting to you they come over and butt in. These people are NOT friends. You are probably a lot more attractive than you think and these girls are playing on that. They sound like they're well able to sell themselves and let's face it, if they go home with the guys on the first night are these guys what you're looking for? I don't think one-night-stands would do your self-esteem any good right now.

It sounds like the scene you're in at the moment doesn't suit you and you aren't shining there. If you find somewhere that does suit you then you will shine and have no trouble attracting people.
I've been in your situation and it isn't nice being told you're the "ugly friend". It really is down to the people you hang out with and the places you go. I'd advise you to join a club, take a night class, do anything to make new friends. Do at least one thing that's different to what you've been doing so far. Broaden your horizons and that will help you no end.

Kevin Duffy

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leggo

Even less drastic than making new friends, have you one or two particular friends within the group with whom you feel you can confide in? Who you feel more confident and yourself around and who bring out the best in you?

Ever since I was a teen, I've been a big believer in only surrounding myself with people who influence my life positively. Don't get me wrong, I've had an abundance of ****ty friends. But I've learned to either minimise their input into my life or get rid of them completely. Usually, I just find like-minded people and end up breaking away from the bigger group by spending more time with them.

That's what your friends should be. Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to settle for groups of people that are just willing to spend time with them. There's very little vetting required for these people and they can often end up a destructive influence on your life in the long run. But these people think they "can't" find new friends because they'd be left alone and miserable. That's never the case at all. Sometimes you need to take one step back to take two forward.

You may think I'm ignoring your main problem (being 'the ugly friend'), but I'm not. I'm identifying your main problem. Because A leads to B. Solve A and B will figure itself out.

You have an ex-boyfriend (though he seems a little on the insensitive side), you get interest on nights out, you've had flings or one-night stands in the past. So the notion that you're unapproachable is simply untrue. History has proven otherwise. Remember that.

Let's go back to my main question. If you do have the above closer friends that you can't confide in, why don't you tell them how you feel, as you have strangers on the Internet just now? You don't have to be bitchy about the rest of the group, just explain how you feel personally without criticising anyone else at first and take it from there.

Maybe they can ease your worries, give you some valuable insight into why they feel this is happening, or even better maybe they feel the exact same as you do but weren't willing to broach the subject.

If you exhaust this possibility and feel like you're hitting a brick wall, then it's time to start pursuing options to make new friends. You say you've dealt with a lot of your past insecurities, so write this off as an extension of 'the new you'. This time, learn from the past and make sure you're only befriending people who fall into the above description of 'a good friend'.

When you're more confident and happy in your everyday life, then and only then can you tackle the minor issues that make you feel like 'the ugly friend'.

One bit of feedback I always give to women friends who ask me is that men are more likely to focus on one positive than 10 mediocre qualities, whereas women will immediately notice their peer's flaws and try to correct 'everything' in themselves instead of accentuating that one positive and building everything else around that. Think of a basic, classic male conversation piece "She's not the best but she has great tits" for proof. Whereas we can spot a woman who's trying to be perfect in every way, and failing, in our sleep.

So focus on sorting your friend situation first, that'll bring out the confidence in you that will make people (men included) want to be around you. Then focus on the so-called 'ugliness' step-by-step, accentuating the positive while quietly working on eliminating the negatives in the background, every step of the way.

LegacyUser

These people are not your friends.
Friends are supportive and tell you the good things about yourself, telling you you are 'the ugly one' is appalling. Thats just bullying. it sounds like you are probably very attractive and your friends don't want you getting attention. Your self esteem can only get worse hanging around with people like that.

LegacyUser

You are almost certainly much better looking than you perceive. I was recently dating a girl who felt the same way about herself, and no matter how many times I told her she was beautiful, she would never take the compliment. She told me a similar story to yours in regards to always feeling like the 'ugly friend', and people not paying her enough compliments. I guess this goes to show both that it is a common enough thing and that no matter how bad you feel about yourself there will always be at least someone out there who will find you beautiful. But most importantly you need to start thinking better of yourself and the first step towards that would be to stop taking any more of that crap from your mates

ps she ended up ditching me to pursue someone she fancied more so maybe I was even too complimentary? :P

LegacyUser

Op this may hurt... But it needs to be said. I'm your male equivilent. I've been mocked, ridiculed and laughed at most of my life until I recently lost a lot of weight. Since I lost the weight I can now honestly say I'm a middling sort of looker; not ugly, but no Brad Pitt either. But I have had pretty serious relationships over the last couple of years. When I immediately lost the weight I was overconfident and full of it; consequently I was going out with a girl way out of my league for a couple of months. The problem was that she was judgemental and shallow - and to be honest, a complete airhead. The girl I presently see is a bit frumpy and not objectively good looking. But I love her to bits. I think you're obsessed by appearance OP. Its a sad and lonely way to look at the world. I'm not so naive as to think that I'm in the majority - most people are vain to some degree, including myself - but if you judge somebody by their appearance and not by their soul or their character you will be disappointed.

The problem is that you hang out with people with this mindset. You know what op? You can choose your friends. Dump them. Life isn't worth that rubbish. Whoever said to you that you were 'the ugly friend' deserves to be taken out and shot - that was a very nasty thing to say to somebody. You should take her up on that.

And finally, I read a lot of preoccupation with looks in your post. That is both sad and self defeating. I bet you judge men by looks too - I've noticed this myself in the past, there is no solidarity amongst people who are around 5/10!! Its so counterproductive. We always look for 7/10 when we should just know to settle for 5/10. And then you won't even consider the 5/10er. And looks don't matter, sharing common interests and love is much sexier and addictive than physical beauty. Controversial, I know!

Tricia1

I agree. Crikey with friends like that......

If i were you the first thing i'd do is to get rid of your so called 'friends', you do not need to listen/ have to put up with it.

Also to the people that are labelling you 'the ugly friend', believe me the chances are that they're not oil paintings themselves, everbody on the planet has flaws- be it even a lousy personality.

I'll be honest here if there's one thing that get's my blood boiling it's people who feel they have a divine right to label people.

Nobody has the right to label you in any way that's degrading.

G-Money

Some of your friends sound like complete b****es and I think it would be no great loss if you phased them out. I was reading a book about weight loss in women and the authors were saying how sometimes their friends would sabotage their weight loss efforts as the friends became threatened that they were improving themselves. I don't know if it's exactly the same here, but the same kind of undercurrent seems to be there.

I don't think I'd put up with that OP, at least I'd like to think I wouldn't. If these people are treating you so badly, you will lose nothing by phasing them out of your life.

We all have our own body issues, I know I do. I frequently go from thinking I'm maybe half ok and not completely awful to the complete opposite where I think quasimodo would be a GQ model in my world.

What I try and do is think back to times when I was seeing someone or girls were interested in me. I think of that and try to use that to quieten down the negative voices.

beks101

Here's what you need to do.

1. Ditch your friends and make new, less shallow ones.

2. Work on your self esteem and body image


It's as simple and as complicated as that.

As everyone else has pointed out, your friends are doing you a serious disservice and maintaining those friendships is just self destructive to you at this point. They treat you like a second-class citizen and sabotage you at any chance and you in turn end up feeling like one. You're not the 'ugly friend', don't ever bloody talk about yourself like that again. Do you have a sister, a mother? How would you feel if someone described her like that? You wouldn't stand for it I'm sure - don't settle for it yourself.

On the second point - if you had any self worth you wouldn't measure your value on the level of attention you attract when you're in a bar or club with friends, where most guys (not all, but a definite majority) are looking for an easy lay and nothing more. Are your friends high maintenance about their looks - cakeloads of makeup, fake tan, dyed hair, provokative clothes? They'll usually be your easiest target and they sound like they're feeding off the attention. It's a very immature attitude and one that seems to have been catching for you. If your confidence improves, you'll be able to see past it, but until then, you're stuck feeling like crap about yourself.

Do you have hobbies, goals, ambitions? Focus on those. Set yourself mini goals and focus on achieving them - whether it's to run a half marathon or to go inter-railing or get a 1.1 degree or take up a dancing class or to read two books a month etc etc...it doesn't matter what it is, if it's something you enjoy and that makes you feel good about yourself, it will go a huge way towards increasing your sense of self worth without focusing on your looks.

But most importantly, stand up for yourself and don't be afraid to walk away from the 'friends' who aren't good for you. Don't be scared of ending up alone - the way I'd see it, it's better to be alone than to be letting these people wear you down with their bitchy, nasty comments and need to use you to boost their own egos, these are not the actions of a friend. And people like this don't change. If you morphed into Angelina Jolie overnight they'd dial up the bitchiness ten notches and make your life a living hell. They'll never be happy for you or proud of you or want the best for you - they'll always measure themselves against you and tear you down if they perceive you to be a threat.

Move on OP.

Overheal

Take the evolutionary psychology route: your 'friends' are competition. Not that the whole thing isn't a bit.. silly? But in this context, you will be better off doing your own thing and not grouping with them on the night out, especially since you know it's hurting your chances.

ash23

OP I always felt a bit like that when I was younger. I felt my school friends were stunning and I was minging. And it plagued me for years. I was so unhappy.It wasn't necessarily that they were being b!tches like some of your friends seem to be, it was more that they were confident and I was overshadowed by them.
When I went to college I basically made a clean break as none of them went where i went. I had to make new friends and I did. I came out of my shell and as a result I went from years of being totally overlooked to being noticed. My appearance hadn't changed much but my mindset totally had.

Now I'm older and wiser I surround myself with supportive, kind and caring people who make me feel better about myself. I don't tolerate someone putting me down. If someone says something not very nice about me or my life, I pull them on it. I'm not some meek little girl who is afraid to lose friends. Because people worth having won't make me feel like sh!t about myself or degrade me to make themselves feel better. Some people get off on feeling better than their peers and feel the need to drag others down so they can feel good. It's sad but true.

I wouldn't say I'm attractive, I'm pretty average. But I'm ok with that. I've more going for me than looks thank the lord!

These people saying these things are not your friends. I may not be the "pretty" one out of my group but there is no way in hell anyone would say something to me like that. It's such a horrible thing OP and I really feel for you.

I truly think that you need to work on accepting yourself and how you are and lose the people who are holding you back.
I've found that a successful lovelife is directly proportionate to how good I feel about myself - I'm a mathematical genuis!!!!

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

Take the evolutionary psychology route: your 'friends' are competition. Not that the whole thing isn't a bit.. silly? But in this context, you will be better off doing your own thing and not grouping with them on the night out, especially since you know it's hurting your chances.

Very true.

Gonna be straight with you. Your friends aren't great, but girls can be bitchy. That's just a fact. And your friend's bitchiness is not why you are being side-lined by strangers on a night out.

Looks make a huge difference in life and there is no point pretending that they don't. I've seen women with very mediocre minds fascinate intelligent men, while women who are genuinely fascinating (athlete's, artists) - and average looking - don't get that level of attention. And before someone says oh but but that's just for shagging - I've also seen these intelligent men hook up and marry these stunning but mediocre women, who may over time develop into more interesting people thanks to all the advantages that come with high quality partners etc. - partners they would not have attracted based on personality etc.

On a night out, it's best to level the playing field and go out with people with the same level of attractiveness. Honestly, that is what works best. But as that's not always possible, there are ways to compensate for what nature hasn't provided.

Coco Chanel said "there is no such thing as an ugly woman."

Have you ever known anyone who is considered way hotter than they actually are? The kind of woman who (particularly) men admire but when you actually look at them they aren't all that beautiful. A bitchy friend of my friend once mentioned, casually, as these girls do, that her boyfriend had said my friend 'acted hotter than she was.' No doubt she was delighted someone had finally put their finger on it and ended her confusion about why this girl got more attention than her.
Anyway, that's the trick. Not naturally very beautiful? Act like you're beautiful and people will respond as though you are. Dressing right is important but body confidence is essential, because that's your prime mode of communication. Chubby? Sort it out. Dance, yoga, pilates, whatever it takes for you to move well. Fake it til you make it.

Life can be really harsh, and that's not your friends fault. There is always someone better looking. But you have to play to your own strengths. Accept that you will never be everyone's type. You only need to be someone's.

Mighty_Mouse

Ever since I was a teen, I've been a big believer in only surrounding myself with people who influence my life positively

This is everything you need.

hollyday

I definitely agree that you need to get away from these friends for a while and take time to love yourself as you won't be able to do this while you are around them and feeling invisible. Try new clothes, makeup, hairstyle! It's amazing how good it can make you feel

Even the prettiest of girls can have ugly personalities and turn men right off. I remember one of my 'friends' when I was a teen said to me one day 'hello ugly' because I wasn't into dressing up, perfect hair and wearing makeup etc. Oh how I laugh looking back now because she is the one going around in tracksuits and greasy hair, no makeup, a right mess while I am well groomed and dressed. To call someone ugly is a very low thing to do and is only based a personal opinion.Not everyone will agree on whether someone is good looking or not

Tricia1

Best policy is to ignore the people who say it.

It's always going to be the way that some people are going to judge you and therefore put you in this, that or the other box.

I've seen this while out socially, some people feel the need to degrade other people (primarily as a bit of a confidence booster for themselves/ a need to boost their own egos and feel superior).

If anyone feels the need to make a comment about anybody's general appearance, then quite clearly they have issues with themselves.

It's an ego-booster (that person looks like this, that and the other- i don't).

If anything it's childish. It's 2011 not the dark ages.

OP, simply put, your friends are really frenemies. A LOT of girls are like this. They can't stand to have anyone else get any attention or compliments, so they constantly sh*t on you to make themselves feel better. Even 'nice' girls do this. I remember when I used to go out the odd time with mates from college. If no guys approached me, they'd say (without me asking) 'oh it's because you look so boring' (I wasn't into piles of make-up and short skirts) and if they did approach me, it was 'oh, it's because they think you're foreign, you'll be easy to impress/get into bed'. I just used to laugh at them and the fact that they thought their insecurity and mental issues weren't obvious to me.

I very much doubt that you're an ugly girl. It sounds like you have low self-esteem and you make it easy for other people to put you down. Don't let it happen. Stop hanging out with these 'friends', go and join a Meetup group or an evening class or something and meet some genuine people who don't make you fele bad about yourself.

snafuk35

Hi OP,

Why should you wait until you are on a night out and then wait for men to make their first move?

Supposing you were out in Tesco getting stuff and you saw a nice guy and you smiled and he smiled back, couldn't you get chatting, exchange numbers and then meet up for a date? Why not join a club or society or take up a sport and you'll meet like minded people and instead of friends butting in or loud music or alcohol being a barrier you could just sit and talk and flirt and go from there.

It seems to me you are in a situation where you can't relax with thinking a jealous 'friend' is going to butt in aand ruin it for you. So get away from those friends and do your own thing.

iamnotarobot

Hi OP,

I was in a similiar position to you until recently, although maybe not as bad as you. Your friends are not good people and I can't believe one of them even said you were the ugly one in the group. I was part of a group of friends for most of my late teens/early 20's who were constantly putting me down. On nights out I always felt excluded and ugly with them, especially when guys used to chat to everyone except me! All I can say is that you should try and find a new group of people who are not so shallow and more positive. It is not good to be surrounded by friends like yours who will make you feel insecure. I highly doubt you are the "ugly" one of the group, they probably just pick on you because you are such a nice person and they know that they will get away with it. Some people seem to get a rise from behaving like this. I recently made a huge effort to distance myself from a negative group of friends by becoming more involved with college/hobbies etc. I have now found a group of people who make me feel good about myself and although i went through a phase of feeling like a loner i got there in the end and I feel so much better for it! I totally understand how you feel but you need to distance yourself from these people, you sound so much better than them

qwertytlk

Op i have a feeling tjat you are alot prettier and a much better catch than you think. And because you have insecurities and you friends onviously know this, i reckon they might prey on that to make themselves feel better. Like why would they blatentley steal any guy thats talking to you? For an ego boost maybe? Either way i think these people may not be the 'friends' you think they are.