brother with diabetes - feel unsympathetic - ??

jazzlewazzle

Hey all,

Its a long one.. sorry...

ok this may annoy some people but I am a just being honest. I am very confused.
My older brother has had DM type 1 since he was 4 - he is now 33. He has been on medication to deal with protein in his kidneys for a few years now but at the moment he is in hospital undergoing tests as his kidney function is diminishing.
The thing is, I do not feel very sympathetic towards him as he has never complied with his medication for diabetes (has always been eating sweets, not taking his insulin, drinking, smoking etc) and he has been told of the possible complications from a very young age.

You see, from as long as I can remember, he has never done what he was supposed to do. He has spent so many many weeks in hospital from a young age as a result of eating sweets etc. Ok, during adolescence, DM is difficult to control. But he has caused the family such heart ache as he always had a temper, whether due to high blood sugars or not, as so he was totally spoilt and could do no wrong in my parent's eyes. We got the blame for everything.

I studied a little about DM and so I know of the possible complications. I mentioned these to him many times - in a non lecturing way - well as best I could and the reply I got was "who do you think you are? A doc? No! mind your own biz".

But is has broken my heart to see what he has put my parents through. He has always lived at home. Has caused them such heart ache - and is so disrespectful to them. Mum calling him for b'fast in case he has a hypo and he would reply with "f*** off, you silly f*****. etc.
She never sleeps when he is out.
He does not even wash his cups.

Now my parents are not young - and both have their own medical problems. And still they have to mind him - always have had to.
He has been having hypo attacks or as long as I can remember. From 5 - 33. Ok I can understand that this sometimes happens, but a lot of the time it is because he does not eat when he is supposed to or he is hung over.

So now starts the complications, and I cannot help but feel "you had it coming". I wish I did not feel this way - I wish I could be more sympathetic.

I am also thinking, my parents will not be around for ever, and when he has to have dialysis, or have his leg amputated (which is probably inevitable) I am not going to pack up and move back home to take care of him. (I live 250 miles from home).

I don't know what i am looking for here - but thoughts are welcome.

Big Bag of Chips

I think what you are looking for is somewhere to be able to say all that, because obviously you can't say it at home.

Nobody can be responsible for another person. Maybe as a child your mother had some sort of control on the situation, but as your brother got older he would have gotten more capable of making decisions himself.

There's not really a whole lot you can do about him. But ask your mam is there anything you can do for her. He is making his own choices, she is living with them. He doesn't want your support. She might need it though.

Pigeon Reaper

It's understandable and frustrating when you find yourself in this situation but at the end of the day your brother has choosen how to live and it is his responsibility to look after his health. You have tried to support and advise him and now there is no obligation on you to feel sympathetic as you have done all you could over the previous years. It's also important to realise that your parents have also made choices over how they will handle this situation and it's important that you communicate your concerns to them.

jazzlewazzle

thanks for the replies. Yes I guess I needed to vent. I know my parents made their own choices - but they are parents. I guess his personality is quite ignorant too - hence perhaps the reason why he has never dealt with having DM. But he has had it since he was 4? Surely he would have been use to having it and living with it. But it seems not.

But I cannot help but feel guilty for not being sympathetic.
God I seem so torn by this - the guilt of not caring and the anger at him for never having being responsible about his illness and hence the torture he has been to my parents. I could write a book on what he has put our family through over the years. And regardless of his DM we are not close. We are so different. He has always lived at home in a rural area whereas I left home when i was 17 and have always lived independently and worked and traveled. The furthest he has been is to Dublin and that was for hospital appointments - which is where he is now.

Are there any diabetics here who could shed some light?

Kevin Duffy

jazzlewazzle wrote: »

Are there any diabetics here who could shed some light?

Not sure why the opinions of Diabetics might help you any better than anyone else's, because the Diabetes is not the problem. It could be any long-term condition and the issues could be the same, or your brother could behave badly towards the rest of the family is he was perfectly healthy, as plenty of people do.

While there are medical implications for your brother's behaviour, his condition is only part of the origin of his behaviour, the same as anyone's behaviour comes from a whole lot of underlying factors.

How it's to be addressed I don't know, but your brother needs to work on how he feels about himself and how he behaves towards you and your parents. Working on his management of his condition will come hand in hand with that, not be isolated from it.

ash23

A close family member of mine was the same. She never complied after being told she had type 2 diabetes. As a result she ended up on dialysis and then died of kidney failure.

You don't have to be sympathetic to be empathetic.

I could look at her and think "dear god, why have you done this to yourself" but at the same time be empathetic that she was in pain and suffering and her quality of life was so poor and nobody deserves that.

I think your family need to stop pandering to him. He will do what he will continue to do and perhaps that will mean he loses toes or a leg or ends up on dialysis. But the same as someone who smokes, drinks to excess or puts on a lot of weight, we all make choices that may not be the best ones.

You don't need to feel sorry for him and you don't need to feel guilty about not feeling sorry for him.
I think your mother feels sorry enough for him for everyone.

jazzlewazzle

thanks again for the replies.

Well the situation with my bro is worse than I thought. He has to have dialysis straight away and is now on a kidney transplant list. My tears have well and truly flown.

CathyMoran

I am sorry to hear that your brother is so ill, I was on dialysis briefly after I suffered acute kidney failure after major surgery (am also a type 1).

It is hard to look after diabetes, I work very hard on mine but it is still tough.

Kevin Duffy

Sorry to hear that OP.

jazzlewazzle

CathyMoran wrote: »

I am sorry to hear that your brother is so ill, I was on dialysis briefly after I suffered acute kidney failure after major surgery (am also a type 1).

It is hard to look after diabetes, I work very hard on mine but it is still tough.

hi thanks for the post.

I hope you are ok now.

He will be doing dialysis at home. I think the damage is just a result of persistent high blood sugar levels over the years.

He is on a list for a kidney transplant now.

CathyMoran

jazzlewazzle wrote: »

hi thanks for the post.

I hope you are ok now.

He will be doing dialysis at home. I think the damage is just a result of persistent high blood sugar levels over the years.

He is on a list for a kidney transplant now.

Hi, all good with me (fingers crossed).

I do know that it is not easy to manage diabetes - I guess the amount of carbohydrate in foods but I do not always get it right. I know that I was bullied in school because I could not eat sweets, I found it too hard to do home economics as I could not eat the food. The media is always in my mind linking diabetes with obesity so if you mention you have it then again you may be bullied. I was getting measured for my wedding dress when I mentioned that I had diabetes and the designer was horrified and said was it the illness where you can baloon up two sizes overnight...there is a lot of ignorance like that out there.