Tell me my overanalyzing is uncalled for!! It's torture...

LegacyUser

So basically I get myself worked up over everything. Particularly in relation to girls, even if the thing I am fretting over might be considered trivial to most people.

Recent example; I have been talking with a girl whom I met on an online forum recently. We have been messaging back and forth for a few days now, and I really have started to feel a connection with her. Her last message to me contained some very personal and deep things about her so I have really gotten the impression she likes me.

Well I am not in the least bit happy despite this... because after every message I send off to her I instantly get overcome with worry about how something I said in it was not appropriate or sounded stupid.. ''it was too short'', ''what if I offended her'', ''it was too long'', ''I misspelt that word and she'll think I'm stupid'' etc.... And after the most recent one I sent her I have been especially worried about having potentially made it too 'soppy', the message not having been long enough in comparison to the one she sent me.. and my forgetting to address one of her questions..

I also get paranoid if I felt I viewed her profile too many times and think ''oh god!!! what if she is turned off me and thinks I am a stalker''.

I could just go on really.. Some of you may not understand but this is truly torture. I will obsess and fret over these worries throughout the night and day until I get a response back (confirming that she was not turned off) and I get some temporary relief as a result..

Can anyone relate?? And what in gods name can I do to stop torturing myself like this!!? Are these concerns I have in relation to my messages to her even something that people would even notice or think about? I am just so worked up and upset right now.

LegacyUser

PotatoSoup wrote: »

So basically I get myself worked up over everything. Particularly in relation to girls, even if the thing I am fretting over might be considered trivial to most people.

Recent example; I have been talking with a girl whom I met on an online forum recently. We have been messaging back and forth for a few days now, and I really have started to feel a connection with her. Her last message to me contained some very personal and deep things about her so I have really gotten the impression she likes me.

Well I am not in the least bit happy despite this... because after every message I send off to her I instantly get overcome with worry about how something I said in it was not appropriate or sounded stupid.. ''it was too short'', ''what if I offended her'', ''it was too long'', ''I misspelt that word and she'll think I'm stupid'' etc.... And after the most recent one I sent her I have been especially worried about having potentially made it too 'soppy', the message not having been long enough in comparison to the one she sent me.. and my forgetting to address one of her questions..

I also get paranoid if I felt I viewed her profile too many times and think ''oh god!!! what if she is turned off me and thinks I am a stalker''.

I could just go on really.. Some of you may not understand but this is truly torture. I will obsess and fret over these worries throughout the night and day until I get a response back (confirming that she was not turned off) and I get some temporary relief as a result..

Can anyone relate?? And what in gods name can I do to stop torturing myself like this!!? Are these concerns I have in relation to my messages to her even something that people would even notice or think about? I am just so worked up and upset right now.

Look theres no use in me telling you to relax and calm down, although that is what you need to do. Your problem is a bit deeper than that. The reason you're fretting and over- analysing is because you're a people pleaser. Theres actually a book written about it, its called "the disease to please". As an ex-people pleaser I can tell one from a mile away. People pleasers fret and worry constantly about minute details because at their core they done feel they're good enough. Thats the drive of all your behaviour, you're desperate for this girl to like you so you're constantly thinking of how you can plaese her or worrying over the things you said that may displease her. You need to look at your self esteem and your own sense of self worth. If you can work on that everything else will follow.
For the moment you need to be strong with yourself, if you send her a mail leave it at that. If you catch yourself analysing, stop. You can do it, over analysing is a choice, you do have the power to stop it. You have to take the attitude of "so what." So what if this girl doesnt like you because you said this or that or didnt say or do something. So what? Heres where the self esteem comes in, because if you like youself its no big deal if some girl you're chatting to on the internet doesnt fancy you. And when you have that attitude you'll be relaxed.

LegacyUser

Place your feet firmly on the ground, feel your body weight in the chair and breath deeply until the thoughts reduce. This sounds difficult and it is but it brings you psychologically back down into the present moment and away from your spiralling thoughts. It seems your self doubt has been unfounded so far with this person so why not just let it be?

Analysing will not improve the situation but make it more strained and not truly real as you struggle to construct the 'perfect' answer for her. These doubts are all assumptions before the other person has even acted. Can you imagine her sitting at her computer screen with similar thoughts racing around her head? You would probably laugh, in a bemused way, and think it unnecessary. Imagine a best friend behaving in the same way as you are now and what would you honestly say to them?? You will end up sabotaging any chance with this person by undermining yourself at every corner, and not enjoying the online banter for what it is or what it could be

Mighty_Mouse

Can I ask how often do you excercise?
My interpretation is:
Overanalysis is a sympton of anxiety/stress/depression.
http://www.ehow.com/how_5095285_stop-over-analyzing.html
Consider number 2.
Basically healthy brain/body needs regular dose of adrenaline/serotonin to handle stresses.
I'm sure somebody here will be able to explain in detail why.

PhysiologyRocks

I overanalyse to an extent. It is completely, completely pointless (not to mention an absolute pain in the neck).

For me, the person with whom I'm communicating doesn't make a huge difference. It has more to do with my own spelling and other preferences. That said, nobody who really likes you will dislike you because you made a mistake or said one inappropriate thing.

When you catch yourself doing it, distract yourself with something else. Choose an easily accessible and reasonably amusing/occupying distraction.

Genuinely wishing you the best of luck.

Overheal

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Can I ask how often do you excercise?
My interpretation is:
Overanalysis is a sympton of anxiety/stress/depression.
http://www.ehow.com/how_5095285_stop-over-analyzing.html
Consider number 2.
Basically healthy brain/body needs regular dose of adrenaline/serotonin to handle stresses.
I'm sure somebody here will be able to explain in detail why.

Adrenaline/Serotonin do two very different things. Maybe you're thinking of norepinephrine, but it's all very sciencey and probably construes medical advice but either way I find it irrelevant to this discussion.

OP you'd easily stop obsessing over your online contact if you occupied yourself with other things - including, but not limited to, socializing with people In Real Life, hobbies, studies, sports, work, household chores, outdoor pursuits (hiking, walking, city strolling) etc.