is this all men?

LegacyUser

I'm freaking out guys, and thanks in advance to anyone reading this.
I have a great boyfriend who is kind, sweet, funny, sexy, all that. But he actually never DOES anything for me. For example:
- no presents, no surprises, no romantic gifts (now I don't mean anything expensive, I mean anything at all. At birthdays I have to drag him to a shop and force him to buy me something - no cards, no surprises. Two Christmases his mother bought me something and he pretended it was from him)
- never once has he brought me tea in bed, or made breakfast (in fact he's so grumpy in the morning he can't do anything)
- If we do anything, go anywhere, I have to plan it and nag him into doing it.
- He thinks flowers are pointless even though on birthdays etc I've hinted and hinted that I'd love some.
- He never cleans up. We don't like together but when I go to his house I have to clean his bathroom and bedroom because otherwise I actually can't stay in it because its disgusting.
Basically, he loves me, well he tells me he does anyway, and he always tells me I'm beautiful blah blah blah, but he never shows it in any practical way.
Is this just all men?
I feel depressed at the idea of spending my life with someone with no romance. But then, in fairness I don't know any girl whose boyfriend actually does do this stuff. Seriously, they're all the same. Maybe, as my boyfriend says, this stuff is just on TV and nobody really does it and that guys that do that stuff are in some way not cool or 'whipped'.
I don't want some kind of puppy dog who panders to my every need, but why would he never think to himself "I know what she'd like now, she'd love if I treated her to a meal or brought her for a romantic walk". Even if he hates doing it would he not do it just for me?
He tells me I'm too demanding and that I'm a nag, but where do I draw the line.
Girls - does your boyfriend actually do anything for you?
Guys - do you do anything for your girlfriend?
I have spoken to him about it. I've tried every way to tell him that I feel under-valued and that I'd like him to do more than tell me he loves me, that I want him to show it. His answer is - you're a nag, you're materialistic or you're too demanding.
Help!!! I'm going to end up an old, frustrated wife spending her time cleaning toilets. Ps - we've been together 4 years, I'm 32 (just for context).

Walls

Well, I would have to admit, I do get presents on my birthday and at Christmas, in fact Himself goes to enormous effort.

I get flowers, unprompted.

I get tea made for me if he's making one for himself, and a world of thoughtful gestures; for example, every Monday I have a standing appointment that ends at 7.30pm. He picks me up and drives me home.

To suggest buying a girl a present means the guy is whipped, means that the guy is pretty easily whipped, to be honest. And if your heart sinks at the idea of this continuing, at the idea of a life empty of any and all kindnesses or gestures of fondness, then, yeah, I would go to.

PS. Calling someone names like a nag, materialistic or demanding is just as bad as cool behaviour, in my book. It means I wouldn't be suited to that person, we have different ideas of what is normal in a relationship.

reap-a-rat

Of course your boyfriend should treat you in a way, as any girlfriend should also treat her boyfriend! My boyfriend and I both cook, clean, take each other on dates, buy each other little gifts, because that's how a relationship works when you love someone!

If you are even giving your fella hints and having to force him into going out with you, that's not right, it really isn't! But maybe that's just who he is and how he always will be, so you either have to take him as is or find a man that will treat you the way you want to be treated, simple as

Taltos

Hi OP
am going to keep this short.
Why are you still with him?
What are you getting from this relationship?
Do you feel loved? - not just by his words but by all the little things he does for you...

I am a small bit older than you and all the stuff you describe as being made up by TV land I do for my OH - and she in turn does the same for me. Each to different extents - but it is through these little gestures we know the other loves us.

His attitude sounds very old fashioned - some of the old guys I have met were like you describe - but they were bachelors in their 70s - what's his excuse?

No - you are NOT demanding too much here - you are just asking for something he may be incapable of doing for you.
So - can you live the next 40yrs being told you are a nag for wanting tea in bed or do you want more for yourself?

Oryx

No, its not all men. No, its not just on tv. And even if you believed it were, you are clearly not happy with the situation. The resentment you feel is not going to go away, and your fella fobbing you off with the comment that 'only guys that are whipped buy flowers' is just him making excuses for his quite lazy and uncaring behaviour.

Forget genders. If a person cares about another person, they do stuff for them. Its not about stereotypes, its about wanting to make that person feel good. It really isnt good enough for your oh to say his behaviour is ok because 'its what all the guys do'. If its upsetting you, its not ok.

But stop hinting. Tell him, clearly and explicitly where he is going wrong, and that him calling you a nag is unfair. You are not trying to emasculate him, just asking him to meet you on some middle ground on this.

Ickle Magoo

Of course it's not all men - I'd even go so far as to say it's not even the vast majority of men...

I think your boyfriend is hoodwinking you into thinking that it's normal to put zero effort into a relationship and just turning up is enough...seriously - I cannot believe you clean the disgusting toilet and flat of a boyfriend too lazy to do anything for you.

Next time he says:

you're a nag, you're materialistic or you're too demanding

Your reply should be "and you're dumped" - and go find yourself somebody worth sharing your life with.

greengirl31

Hi OP ...

For a start, your boyfriend doesn't sound sweet or Kind - he sounds like a grump !!
I'm only a couple of years older than you so I think at this age, you should know what your worth. Do you think he undervalues you ?? And why should you settle for 2nd best. Most Guys don't go for the over the top romantic gestures, but I don't think to be handed a cuppa every now and again is too demanding and certainly getting his mother to get your Christmas present is a huge No No !!!
You've been together 4 years - do you want to spend the rest of your life with him ?? If he's telling you now that you're a nag and your materialistic etc - Imagine what he'll be like in another 4 years ???

Forever is a long time, and it's even longer when your miserable!!

gangie

While me and my oh have many an argument over cleaning ( we live together) and I feel I do more around the house than he does, I have to say that he is very good in other ways. ie. he brings me b'fast in bed unprompted, is always makin me tea/snacks/dinner, brings me home my fav chocolate bar, gives me foot rubs, listens to me when I need a rant, always gets me a nice bday/xmas/anniversary card ect. He does these things because he loves me, not because he is 'whipped'!! I think you need to decide if this is something you can live with our not? Also do you do any of these things for him?

I do all the above and other things for my oh. because I love him really its that simple.

P.s (as for cleaning HIS bathroom, I think your mad! Would you not just tell him you are NOT coming over if he doesnt have the house clean for you?)

And another thing - are you hoping this relationship will end in marriage & kids? because if you do, can you imagine how little he will do to help with the children? Maybe your not even thinking that far ahead or are not planning on having kids, but you would feel seriously undervalued and unloved if he was as selfish & lazy as he is now......

Dortilolma

I suddenly feel very fortunate - my OH is always springing little treats on me, to the extent that I start feeling guilty that I don't do enough for him in return.

I'm quite surprised by your experience OP. First off you should know you are not being a nag or demanding - and it's awful that you are being made to feel that expecting these things is somehow bad. I'm assuming that you do/buy nice little things for him.

There's a pleasure to be had in doing something nice for a person you care about; seeing their face light up and getting that greatful smile makes the few bob you spent or the small bit of effort you put in a small price. I know not everybody is the same but even just getting a cup of tea in the morning isn't a huge demand.

Zen65

unregistered wrote: »

Basically, he loves me, well he tells me he does anyway, and he always tells me I'm beautiful blah blah blah, but he never shows it in any practical way.
Is this just all men?
I feel depressed at the idea of spending my life with someone with no romance. But then, in fairness I don't know any girl whose boyfriend actually does do this stuff.

Hi Op,

Most certainly this is not how all men are. I don't mean to brag, but I'm married over 20 years and I still bring my wife out for meals, buy her presents (and not just on her birthday & Christmas), I clean around the house (not as often as she does, I'll admit), I cook meals at weekends, and I'm really not special in any way. Most men I know do the same for their wives / girlfriends.

I think you've set yourself very low targets and then acted satisfied when they were not met. If this guy does not amend his ways I don't know why you'd settle for him, unless you believe you don't deserve / could never get any better? What kind of example will he set for your future kids if you have any? How much help is he going to be raising the kids?

Bottom line - the lowest standard that you are willing to accept is the highest standard he will aim for. You should aim higher!


Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

I think you're trying to make this guy into your idea of what a boyfriend should be. Maybe other guys would buy you flowers or presents but this one doesnt. You can either accept that and stay with him or you can break up with him and try to find somebody who will give you what you're looking for. But going over to his place and cleaning up when he doesnt ask you to, nagging at him to buy you flowers etc, never gonna work.

trio

Jaysus, when you said he did nothing, you really meant it! Not even a cup of tea once in 4 years??

If my OH went out to the kitchen and made himself a cup of tea without offering me one, I'd be bulling. Mind you, he'd be bulling if I did the same - it's just manners!

OP, your fella is getting away with ignoring the most basic of social courtesies. And he's half-convinced you it's normal behaviour to do SWEET FECK ALL for the woman you love, and you're just being totally demanding and unreasonable.

I think he's got some explaining to do......

LegacyUser

He is NOT kind and sweet if he calls you a nag, and says you're too materialistic. He's a lazy sod who doesn't want to get up off his a*se and do something for you. And he's a slob to boot!

My boyfriend is extremely thoughtful, and does lovely things for me. It's the way it's always been, and I never feel under valued by him.

You deserve so much better than the relationship you have right now.

Tiocfaidh Armani

What do you do for him? Reminds me of these women who want their drink bought for them without buying one back simply because they're women! Your post is about poor women who get nothing done for them. You never ask about women doing anything for men. It's a two way street, love. And I know plenty of women who do hee haw for their men and all expect all the gifts in return for nothing.

PS, I do plenty. Randoms flowers to her work etc is also 60 quid well spent but I hate women who expect it all but think they don't have to do anything.

LegacyUser

Tiocfaidh Armani wrote: »

Your post is about poor women who get nothing done for them.

No, her post is about how her boyfriend does nothing for HER. She hasn't said anything about other guys doing nothing for their girlfriends, and the proof is that she asks other posters what their relationships are like.

Ickle Magoo

Tiocfaidh Armani,

Regardless of the OP's chosen thread title or that they haven't divulged all they do in the relationship - this is an advice forum. If you have no constructive advice to offer the OP on the issue they have posted about then kindly refrain from posting.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting/ranting can earn you a ban from this forum.

Please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.

Lon Dubh

unregistered wrote: »

- Two Christmases his mother bought me something and he pretended it was from him)

:eek: Oh god, he sounds like a spoiled mammy's boy who has been used to his mother running around after him, and now he is trying to train you to be his substitute carer/slave. Honestly he sounds absolutely awful, lazy and selfish.

You are not unreasonable for wanting him to have basic manners and consideration for you, and to make a bit of an effort. I am not one to expect a log of big romantic gestures all the time, but honestly the odd present, organising days out, and doing little things for you, he should be doing them to show he cares. (And he should be cleaing his own bathroom and bedroom/ I am not surprised you are getting upset with him, I am getting upset just reading about it!)

Zen65 wrote: »

Bottom line - the lowest standard that you are willing to accept is the highest standard he will aim for. You should aim higher!

Good point (must remember that one for myself!)

outdoor_miner

I am a guy, and I can admit to being far from perfect. None of us are mind readers and can't be trained to always say/do the right thing.

Having said that, you shouldn't want to be with someone that needs to be trained. He should be showing you the attention you deserve in his own way, even if it isn't what you would expect out of him. He may not be the giving type, but he should still be doing little things to make you feel important that are so deep in his subconscious that they are effortless to him. It is those little selfless things that count.

Reesy

No, we're not all like that. And I'd seriously doubt whether he loves you. Moreover I'd suggest that he's behaving like that because he can get away with it. I suggest you make him change (difficult) or have a break from him, and tell him he'll have to change if he wants you back. Be strong. If he loves you he will change. If not, you've rescued yourself from a miserable life.

Take it into your hands. Good luck.

Neyite

Tiocfaidh Armani wrote: »

What do you do for him?

She scrubs his skidmarked toilet and the ring around the bath on a regular basis. In a house she doesnt even live in! Reckon that deserves a cuppa or an occasional bunch of flowers.

OP, I dont get florists deliveries or brought out to dinner, or surprise trips away, (in fact the day we found out I was pregnant, instead of flowers, he came home with a box of beer under his arm to celebrate :rolleyes: he got a slagging for that )

But what I do get is the cuppa when I come in from a hard day, the electric blanket put on while Im coming home if I'm feeling under the weather so its warm when I get in, all the laundry done so often I rarely have to go near it, the kiss and hug while I'm making dinner, and today he had a halfday and did loads of cleaning because he knows that I would be wanting to get it done for my mam coming to visit this weekend, and knows that I'm knackered in the evenings because I'm pregnant. I get the random "I love you's" when I least expect it. I get the hand picked primroses on my pillow, None of it is grand gestures or expensive treats, but he lets me know I am loved and respected, and that he thinks of me in his day. I like to think that I do likewise, and let him know this too.

Not giving you a single gift at Christmas or birthdays is terrible, and tightarsed. No excuse. One particularly frugal year for us I gave him homemade vouchers for massages, and baked him a cake. But nothing??
Sorry if its harsh, but why are you wasting your time on a lazy slob?

Ham Sambo

I think one is been taken for granted!, I also would hazzard a guess that his 'Mammy' did everything for him bar cleaning his aras!! Not all guys are like that, Coming from a guys point of view I think this guy needs a drop kick up the rear, no offence, but he is treating you like a personal assistance.
It is obvious that you love him, on the other hand he has a very funny way of showing you that he loves you, Lay it on the line to him...shape up or ship out. Best of luck.

Wompa1

Well one thing I'd say. I use to be a very clean person. In the last few months I've been even more busy at work than usual and moved into a much smaller room. My room is always a mess now because I don't have time to clean it. My girlfriend comments about it and even went and cleaned it once which pissed me off. It bothers me that's it dirty too but it bothers me more that somebody would invade my space or complain about my living space, the place I'm paying the rent for.

qwerty13

Oh dear, I'd be very fed up with this guy - and I don't put a whole lot by presents on a particular day (birthday, Christmas, anniversaries or whatever). I really value the presents that are for no reason - small things that my partner just saw and thought that I'd like (a book, a cd etc). I love stuff like that because it is just so thoughtful - all about the thought, and not really about a date / the present.

In his defence, I'm a morning grump, have to admit there's no way I'd ever (EVER) do anything for my BF in the morning. And I'd absolutely hate getting flowers delivered to work, I'd be really p*ssed off at our private relationship being broadcast in that manner in my workplace. I'd really much prefer a cheap bunch of flowers from the sellers on Grafton St on his way home - more thoughtful; less showy gesture.

I have to ask though, why are you behaving like his mother? I don't know, I get the impression that he feels this Mammy type cleaning up and (what HE sees as) nagging are all bound up in the same thing.

I'd say stop Mammying him for a start. And who cares about pressies on a particular day; but if he can't show any thoughtful behaviour towards you at all, then are you sure that you want to be with someone like that. And (much as I'd love nice presents!) it is surely more about the fact that he is thinking about you (or not) - whether that's a random bar of your fave choc, a small pressie for no reason, doing more than his share when you are hassled/fed up. I'm sorry but it doesn't sound as though he thinks of anyone but himself. I'd be quite hurt tbh.

dearg lady

I do think some people can be a fit forgetful in this regard, I have to prod my boyfriend into tidying up sometimes, but I can tell it's genuine forgetfulness so I don't get annoyed over it, just offer gentle reminders. He's good for little things tho, giving me footrubs when I'm exhausted after work, buying bars of chocolate he knows I like as surprises. He's really not a great cook so that usually falls to me, but he always helps with preparation. If ever we need anything last minute from the shop, an ingredient I've forgotten or something, he always goes and gets it. Sometimes it's not big gestures, but it does sound liek your boyfriend is really taking the p*ss. Perhaps you should show him this thread to see he's very much in a minority!

LegacyUser

wow this sounds exactly like I behaved with my ex girlfriend.

The reason was that she did everything so I didn't have to, and somehwhere in my head I believed that she enjoyed doing the work or he wouldn't do it. Why would she come stay at my house for the weekend and go cleaning it unless she enjoyed cleaning??

I thought that's what love was, I simply couldn't be bothered buying her gifts or doing anything for her, pure lazy on my part but it took me meeting the woman of my dreams to see that my 5 years with my ex meant nothing, she was just a glorified cleaner and I know I was totally wrong to allow it to go on that long but i didn't see the wrong in it until I ended the relationship and saw what love was.

I would never treat my now wife the way I treated my ex, I treat her like a princess because I completely love and respect her.

I'd hate to think she was doing everything for me.

I just didn't care enough about my ex or respect her enough to make any effort for her.

Sound like you are in thr same situation!

Each person needs to bring 50 percent to a relationship or you're wasting your time.

Get out now before you fulfill the long term role of replacement mammy.

abbey2000

i do nice little things for my gf all the time, and i do it because i love her to bits. i know that after she's had a long day at work she loves to come home to see the fire on and a nice dinner and glass of wine waiting for her, and all she had to to is head up to the shower and come down to relax.

i dont do it because i think she will nag me if its not done, i do it because i want to do it, it makes me happy to do these little things for her. i feel really pleased with myself when she is all happy and contented and i made that happen for her. i want to make her happy and doing little things helps to achieve that.

Before we lived together and she was calling over to my place, i made sure it was spotless, particulary the bathroom and bedroom. please do not clean his bloody toilet any more. that is just horrible.

i really dont get why you are with this guy. you deserve more respect than he is showing you. i dont get how someone would put up this sort of treatment. Read all of the reponses that are here....think about them and your relationship.

homerjay2005

he sounds like a lazy slob. i cook dinner for my girlfriend 3 or 4 times a week, we go out for dinner 2 or 3 times a month,to the cinema/sports events/nights out etc etc, buy each other presents for all the main events, small gifts all the time then for no reason almost daily (even just rubbish from the shop on the way home from work!!). she loves flowers and i buy them for her once every 2 months or so for no reason, we go on holidays alot together. we are not rich, we just save our money and spend in on enjoying ourselves as much as we can, we dont waste it on things we dont need such as an overpaid house, an expensive car and luxury things that are not important.

small things matter in a relationship. maybe he is just a tight ars* who was rared by his parents like that to be mean.

sibeniklove

typical sunday with my ex:

he would get up about two hours earlier than me, put on a wash of clothes, mine and his clean the house, then brings me breakfast in bed.

Then we would go get the fill of petrol for the week (my car as he had none) and he would pay for half of it.

Of to supermacs (we weren't well off) where he would get me something and pay for it. Then in the evening he would get me something sweet like doughnuts or something and we'd curl up in front of tv and watch a movie, usually my choice.

And a day never went by he wouldn't tell me he loved me.

We are apart as he wanted to live in his home country in brazil and i want to live here.


They are out there. Don't settle (i'm also 32)

ElleEm

OP, you deserve to feel valued and appreciated in your relationship.
It sounds like he has a real lack of respect for you. I can't imagine my boyfriend being okay with me using a toilet he has dirtied and failed to clean. He is also disregarding your feelings when you tell him what you want/ need from him.

You should not continue on with this relationship the way it is, as it will only get worse- it won't magically get better unless you discuss it with him. Sit him down and tell him that you need more from him.

My partner is great for romance. He buys me presents, writes me poems/ notes, gives me flowers, gives me "days off" from housework where he does everything, etc. And I do the same for him. It makes me feel special that he cares enough to do these things for me, you deserve to feel the same.

LegacyUser

My BF is doing the hoovering now. He makes me a cup of tea every morning and brings it up to me in bed. He cooks and shops. He buys me DVD's and other little things for no reason. He does all this without being asked. he scratches my back in bed! I do all the same things for him.

OP, your BF is not 'kind' in fact he sounds lazy and spoilt and as for him passing off his Mothers present as his own. That shows total contempt for both you and his Mother. He didn't care less that if you had believed his story then you never would have thanked his Mother for the gift, and you would have looked a right rude cow.

His attitude is appaling. I am not one bit materialistic but not even making you a cup of tea is just pathetic. He sounds so selfish.

LegacyUser

Hi there, I really think you should listen to the guy who once treated his ex the same way, as your boyfriend clearly doesn't respect you. My husband always thinks of me first. He does not buy too many presents - in fact for my first birthday together he didn't even get me a card, but he does now as he knows it means a lot to me (even if not to me). He let's me have lie ins, rubs my back feet, completely hands on with kids and housework, and would generally do anything to make me happy. Of course it does have to work both ways.
Your boyfriend sounds really selfish, and it seems he doesn't care about you as much as you him. You should show him this thread,and then see if he still uses the same excuse of all men being the same! Good luck!

LegacyUser

Djyeksksks wrote: »

wow this sounds exactly like I behaved with my ex girlfriend.

The reason was that she did everything so I didn't have to, and somehwhere in my head I believed that she enjoyed doing the work or he wouldn't do it. Why would she come stay at my house for the weekend and go cleaning it unless she enjoyed cleaning??

I thought that's what love was, I simply couldn't be bothered buying her gifts or doing anything for her, pure lazy on my part but it took me meeting the woman of my dreams to see that my 5 years with my ex meant nothing, she was just a glorified cleaner and I know I was totally wrong to allow it to go on that long but i didn't see the wrong in it until I ended the relationship and saw what love was.

I would never treat my now wife the way I treated my ex, I treat her like a princess because I completely love and respect her.

I'd hate to think she was doing everything for me.

I just didn't care enough about my ex or respect her enough to make any effort for her.

Sound like you are in thr same situation!

Each person needs to bring 50 percent to a relationship or you're wasting your time.

Get out now before you fulfill the long term role of replacement mammy.

OP I think you need to heed the advice of this guy!

I think that's where you are at. Your bf just doesn't care about you enough to make any effort.

I think you need to listen to what every single response is saying here.

Don't waste any more time with this guy, he probably won't even notice you've left him!

madeupname953

As a husband, I would love to say I'm different to your man but I see similarities. Where we differ though is I used to do all the romantic things you crave back 15 years ago, flowers to work, to house, to hairdressers while she'd be there, meals, walks etc but at this stage in my life I've realised we have nothing in common and so all that has dried up. I couldnt be bothered. I keep deleting what I write because its all tangental to your thread. I see huge lack of effort in my other half and it really bugs me to a massive extent. Theres always the possibility too that you arent matched and that he doesnt deserve you.

woodsie72

youre going to have to have a serious chat !