Competing with best friend's ex

LegacyUser

I wish I could give you guys all the background information on my relationship with my best friend, but I'll try and explain as much as I can. I'll start with me, I've never really had a proper best friend. Anyone who has ever called me theirs has fallen out of touch, sometimes on both our parts. I've considered my current best friend probably the one I have most in common with. He gets me in ways some people don't. We've been friends since we were fifteen (we're twenty-three now) and have gone in and out of touch over the years, but I feel now we're closer than we've ever been.

As you can tell from the title of my post, there's only one problem: his ex. He went out with her for three years, during which we were barely in touch. They split up and it seemed the split was amicable and they agreed they were better off apart. They remained friends, which is fair enough but every time I meet up with him he never stops going on about her. He's always buying her stuff to make up for upsetting her and bringing her places. He calls me his best friend and yet I feel I'm second to her. I seriously doubt he goes on about me to her like he does with me.

I've said it to him and he has admitted that in a way he's obsessed with her, which doesn't sound healthy to me. But he seems to be a glutten for punishment. He knows it's a bad ending if he gets back with her and yet he's still infatuated with her. And I find myself resenting her for not severing ties, seeing as she doesn't seem to feel the same way (she's a lesbian now).

I know, it sounds like a really complicated situation, and maybe I'm overreacting and being selfish, but I feel my friendship with him will never be what it should be while she's still in the picture. And no, there's no romantic feelings on my part so please don't accuse me of being jealous of that. I just don't know what to do.

Lollipops23

best_friend wrote: »

He calls me his best friend and yet I feel I'm second to her. I seriously doubt he goes on about me to her like he does with me.

While it does sound like your friend and his ex aren't completely finished (which is another isssue altogether really) I can't help but think you have an unhealthy fixation on him. I don't expect my best friend to talk about me to her husband as much as she mentions him to me! And I certainly don't begrudge them having each other as a priority. I think it might be best for you to try and build some social circle outside of this one friend- it's an awful lot of pressure to put on one person.

Big Bag of Chips

He has a history with her that he doesn't have with you. You're mates. But I assume he really liked (possibly loved) her.. if they were together for 3 years. It's not up to her to sever ties with him. If she is a lesbian now, and she's not hiding it from him - then she is making it perfectly clear that she has no romantic feelings for him, and sees him as purely a friend. It's up to him to sever ties with her, if he can't handle that. Although I do think she's taking advantage by letting him buy her stuff! (is this a regular occurence?!)

The only thing you can do is tell him you don't want your conversations dominated by talk of her. If he is your best friend, then surely you can be honest enough with him on that. Go places with him - do stuff with him that will broaden his mind a little bit. If he doesn't do a whole lot else, of course she is going to be the main topic of his conversation. he has nothing else to talk about.

Start steering the conversation away from her when he starts.

I do think you are jealous of their history and their closeness. But you have to remember you have 2 seperate types of friendships. You don't have to compete - but also tell him you don't want your main topic of conversation being her.

best_friend

best_friend wrote: »

He calls me his best friend and yet I feel I'm second to her. I seriously doubt he goes on about me to her like he does with me.

I feel my friendship with him will never be what it should be while she's still in the picture. And no, there's no romantic feelings on my part so please don't accuse me of being jealous of that.

You may not have romantic feelings for him, but you're certainly possessive over him. So while I don't think you're jealous in a romantic sense, I do think you're jealous. Jealous of the fact that he cares about her, and he isn't 100% yours. Jealousy is a horrible word, but most of the time it's nothing to feel embarrassed of. People get jealous all the time, it's perfectly natural and no one would blame you. The only issue is whether or not you can accept that he's entitled to call you his best friend without centering his world around you. That it's ok for him to still care about her, it's ok for her to stay in contact with him, and that she is just as entitled as you to a friendship with him.

Subtle things in your post that it might help to look at:
-You think that as his best friend, you should always come first.
-You would feel better if you thought that when he meets up with her he only talks about you.
-You feel like her presence is hindering a perfect relationship you could form with him if only she would leave you two alone.
-You seem very concerned with this title of "best" friend.

It could help to stop labeling yourself as the best friend, and just enjoy your relationship with him the way it is. You are clearly a very important person to him, but it would be very unhealthy for him to have one person as his number one, 24/7. I can understand though how going on about her is annoying, but just tell him. Say that when he has issues he's free to come to you with them, but for day to day stuff he needs to tone down the ex talk.

LegacyUser

You're right about most things, I guess. I do get possessive, with friends especially. I only have a close-knit circle of friends whom I barely see as it is. I think it comes from having so-called best friends ditching me for someone else. It's probably made me over paranoid about this situation.

However, I don't expect him to talk about me non-stop to the ex, I was merely pointing out that he wouldn't do that with her and yet he does it with me. Maybe she has confidence to tell him to shut up, I don't know.

He does seem to buy her loads of stuff, which is ridiculous considering he's practically broke. I'm happy with the diaries he buys me for my birthday every year.

And you're right again, I should suggest more social outings. In fact, I'm going to ask him if he'd be interested in going to see Britney Spears next month, despite the high ticket prices.

I'll have to email him anyway, he knew there was something up with me yesterday although I did tell him he wouldn't shut up about his ex. She's moving to Australia in January for a year, which he's dreading. Maybe it'll be good for him.

Big Bag of Chips

Britney Spears... you sure you're not gay?!! Only joking!

Outtings don't have to be expensive concerts, they can be a local band in the pub, go-karting, quad biking, hill walking, a match, a show, etc.

Why not try arrange something for a group of people? You don't have to be so intense with 1-on-1 friendships. You can have a wide circle of acquaintances, who you hang out with occasionally, and from that you may click with 1 or 2 who become good/close friends.

Being or having a "best" friend isn't all that important if you have a group of people who you enjoy spending time with.

Good luck!

ash23

Are you female or male OP?

I think that if you're female then you're jealous of this girl, maybe not that you have romantic feelings for this guy but that you might feel like he is "yours" and that she is treading on your turf and you're jealous. I also think you felt rejected when he dropped you when he began going out with her and when they split you assumed things would go back to normal but they haven't.
You were very young when you met him and he won't be the same now because he isn't a teenager anymore and the friendships people have as they get older change and evolve and are less intense in my experience than those of people in their teens.
To be honest I'm assuming you are female because I can't see a guy being so possessive over a male friend.

Big Bag of Chips

ash23 wrote: »

Are you female or male OP?
.........

To be honest I'm assuming you are female because I can't see a guy being so possessive over a male friend.

Ahhh! That makes more sense! Sorry OP, I thought you were a fella!

LegacyUser

Yes, I am a girl. Most of my friends are guys though because I find I get along much better with them than girls. Nothing against my female friends though!

That's exactly it, thanks for making me see sense. I wanted to deny that she's on my "turf" whatever that is, because then I'd have to admit how petty I am :-s. It's my own fault for falling out of touch with him, and that's when she came in. I'm sure he doesn't give a damn that my boyfriend knows me inside out.

He's never forgiven me for not bringing him to see Lady Gaga last year so I thought Britney Spears might be a nice alternative :-). Although I'd love to go go-karting, my boyfriend and I were discussing it, we should arrange something.

Thanks everyone, I needed a reality check. I've emailed him to apologise for it.

Elle Collins

best_friend wrote: »

Maybe it'll be good for him.

It might be good for you to take a year out over there yourself. Your fixation and jealousy issues are might abate somewhat with some distance and time.

Surely you've got to see this is not normal??