Brother's girlfriend is bítch

Siuin

My brother has been dating a girl since his leaving cert holiday, and the relationship has been going on for over 3 years. My family have had no great love for her, as she refuses to acknowledge anyone when she comes to the house, walking straight past my parents without saying a word to them. She was my friend on facebook before, but then I discovered that she was using it to simply read what I was doing and relay it back to my brother, one incident in particular which was repeated back to my mom before I could inform her of travel plans I had made, which got me in big trouble. I deleted her from facebook and left it at that. However, lately I had been trying to make things less awkward with her by chatting about an outfit she got to go to the races, and I thought that we were getting along fairly well- not best friends, but pleasant.

I had my 21st birthday dinner the other night, which was supposed to be just family (my parents, my brother and myself) only my brother's gf wanted to come, so I said, why not? The night of my birthday, my brother and his girlfriend turned up at the restaurant late, and his gf sat down without greeting me, nevermind wishing me a happy birthday. After a while of her discussing various topics with my mom and refusing to address me, my mom realised that things were getting awkward, so she raised a class and said "To [my name]'s birthday!" My dad and brother also raised their glasses and wished me happy birthday, but my brother's girlfriend didn't touch her wine glass, instead saying something to my brother the whole time it was happening. My dad got annoyed and banged his glass off of hers as it was sitting on the table, and she said "oh! cheers" absent mindedly and continued talking to my brother. She made a face when my brother suggested sharing a dessert, but conceded, and when they were done eating, both left without a word to me. I felt really upset when I went home, and couldn't help but start crying because I really felt that she'd put a real damper on my 21st.

What should I do with this girl? I just don't feel comfortable approaching her myself, and if my brother must choose, she'll win every time.

PS only realised the mistake in the title after I posted it XD Can I affirm right now- my brother's girlfriend is A bítch!

Daisy M

Not a lot you can do really. She sounds pretty unplesant and no amount of you been nice to her is going to change that. Personally if any of my children ever choose to bring a guest to my home and that guest refuses to acknowledge my family and anyone else who is present, they will not be returning until they learn basic manners. However that is your parents battle as it is their house.

Siuin

is mise astra wrote: »

Not a lot you can do really. She sounds pretty unplesant and no amount of you been nice to her is going to change that. Personally if any of my children ever choose to bring a guest to my home and that guest refuses to acknowledge my family and anyone else who is present, they will not be returning until they learn basic manners. However that is your parents attle as it is their house.

Thing is, my parents are trying to put up with her for my brother's sake. We all thought this relationship would end years ago, but for some reason he just won't get rid of her. I'm just in between minds as to whether it might be worth finally getting my parents to put their foot down and say no more to her, that she can't keep coming to our house and sponging free meals if she's going to behave like this, or if we should just keep waiting and hoping she'll go away by herself. What's worrying us is that her sisters both have a history of 'trapping' men by intentionally going off the pill to get pregnant- so worried that she'll try this trick and we'll be stuck with her forever

loloray

Siuin wrote: »

t her sisters both have a history of 'trapping' men by intentionally going off the pill to get pregnant- so worried that she'll try this trick and we'll be stuck with her forever

Careful there . . . what you described there is not a trap, it's what you do when you want to get pregnant . . . Just because someone you don't like gets pregnant, doesn't mean it was a 'trap' . . . sometimes people we don't like, genuinely want children, for normal reasons.

Siuin

loloray wrote: »

Careful there . . . what you described there is not a trap, it's what you do when you want to get pregnant . . . Just because someone you don't like gets pregnant, doesn't mean it was a 'trap' . . . sometimes people we don't like, genuinely want children, for normal reasons.

I don't like or dislike her sisters- this is all coming from my brother, who himself has told us that her sisters are 'losers'. Unfortunately, he seems no connection between them and his darling gf, ahhh

Firetrap

She sounds horrible but your brother is a grown man and has chosen to go out with her of his own free will. He'd want to be seriously thick not to notice how difficult things are with you and your parents but it's obviously not bothering him. There's not a thing you can do, sad to say, only hope that he comes to his senses and sees her for the b!tch she is. Nothing any of you can say or do will change things one iota. In fact, it could push him further into her arms.

gypsy_rose

and when they were done eating, both left without a word to me

What is your relationship with your brother like? You must be kind of close if he was at your 21st meal. Frankly I am completely shocked at her behaviour, she really is a bitch! How hard is it to say happy birthday ffs! Can you talk to your brother about it at all and highlight what a rude little runt she is?

Failing all this, and since your brother doesn't seem to have the backbone to repremand her awful behaviour, I would just try to make her feel as uncomfortable as possible in the house, if that had been me at my 21st and she'd been acting like that I definitly would have pulled her up on it, though that would be quite embarassing for everyone involved.

Don't bother being polite to her or even acknowledging her presence when she's around, frankly I'm surprised it's gotten to this stage without someone saying something, have your parents never mentioned it to your brother?

If I was them there would be no way she would be coming back into my house.

Mighty_Mouse

Overall, IMO your general attitude towards this girl is particularly vicious.

What should I do with this girl? I just don't feel comfortable approaching her myself,

How about saying to your brother " there are some issues building up between me & your gf.

I'm not trying to hurt your relationship but I think it would be better for me to put their cards on the table. I want to speak to her to try and resolve things so we can find a way to get on better. But I want your consent to do so first."

but for some reason he just won't get rid of her. I'm just in between minds as to whether it might be worth finally getting my parents to put their foot down and say no more to her, that she can't keep coming to our house and sponging free meals if she's going to behave like this, or if we should just keep waiting and hoping she'll go away by herself.

This is insane.
Your dislike of your brothers gf could potentially ruin your family make-up by going down this path. Even a crappy romance novel will tell you to stay well away from trying to seperate lovers!!

ps
"Sponging" is constantly borrowing money. Not eating a dinner.
It’s possible that your dislike of her for big issues has gone obsessive in that you are now hyper-sensitive to her behaviour resulting in you dissecting her behaviour in order to find innocuous things that you can be pissed about.
This will not resolve the main problems.
If you appear petty, you will not appear reasonable.

Its pretty reasonable to ask that she make more of an effort to be nice and appreciative towards your parents.
Its very unreasonable to call her a sponger for eating dinner regularly.

pps

my brother and his girlfriend turned up at the restaurant late, and his gf sat down without greeting me, nevermind wishing me a happy birthday

See above.
This is borderline princess behaviour. In isolation its not something that most people would get overly worked up about.

Ickle Magoo

You knew she was a cow and you agreed to her coming to your birthday so you can't really then complain that she spoilt it for you...but at least next time she asks to tag along on a special occasion then you have the perfect excuse for saying no.

It's such a toughy OP but really, there's not a lot you can do but try to spend as little time in her company as possible and make sure your brother knows why. Whether she's rude, horrible, mean or plotting to trap him is entirely his look out - and hard though that may be to watch and as awful as she may be to put up with, it's his choice of girlfriend and they'll have a relationship, possibly kids whether you approve & kick up a fuss or not...so it's really a choice between biting your tongue and playing happy families or drawing a line and risk falling out with your brother. Not a great choice.

Zen65

Siuin wrote: »

What should I do with this girl? I just don't feel comfortable approaching her myself, and if my brother must choose, she'll win every time.

Most probably she will.

We choose our friends, but not our relatives. This girl may not be a relative per se, but she has the potential to become your sister-in-law (or at any rate, your brother's chosen partner for life). In the long haul, a good relationship with your family is important, so all you can do is to try to be pleasant to her and see how it goes. There is no winning on either side if a fight breaks out between you (by which I don't mean fisticuffs, just unpleasant behaviour or even cold shoulders).

From her perspective, she may have considered your un-friending her on FB to be a slight on her, and she may harbour a grudge about it. I believe that you could have more simply excluded her from seeing your posts, while maintaining the "friend" status. What's done is done.

I would discourage you from dragging your parents into this. What they want above all else is that you remain close to your siblings, so be careful about trying to get them to choose sides, because they will not appreciate your actions at all. Your brother is on his girlfriend's side for now, so you need to try avoid causing any fuss which might make him get into a row with you. As you both age, if she stays around, there will be ample opportunity to improve your relationship, but not if you act now to bring this to a head. People mature, and in time it is likely that she and you could have a cordial relationship, and possibly even become friends.


Be at peace,

Z

Siuin

gypsy_rose wrote: »

What is your relationship with your brother like? You must be kind of close if he was at your 21st meal. Frankly I am completely shocked at her behaviour, she really is a bitch! How hard is it to say happy birthday ffs! Can you talk to your brother about it at all and highlight what a rude little runt she is?

My relationship with my brother has never been great tbh- he's always been pretty apathetic towards me, despite there being less than a year's age difference between us. When I was 15 I got beaten up by one of his friends, and he didn't do anything about it- in fact, he invited over the friend a few weeks later, which rather says it all. It was more social convention than anything else that he attended the dinner, or perhaps even free food (!). We live 3 hours away from eachother because of college, but it's never been easy to talk to him. I was thinking that maybe my mom could have a word, since he listens to her more, but... not sure if anyone can get through- despite being highly critical of other people, he refuses to see fault in this gf.

gypsy_rose wrote: »

Failing all this, and since your brother doesn't seem to have the backbone to repremand her awful behaviour, I would just try to make her feel as uncomfortable as possible in the house, if that had been me at my 21st and she'd been acting like that I definitly would have pulled her up on it, though that would be quite embarassing for everyone involved.

Don't bother being polite to her or even acknowledging her presence when she's around, frankly I'm surprised it's gotten to this stage without someone saying something, have your parents never mentioned it to your brother?

If I was them there would be no way she would be coming back into my house.

It really is the subsequent awkwardness which is stopping anyone from taking her on about her behaviour- we know she's here for the long haul, and are just putting up with her for my brother's sake. But it's just so maddening to come home every 3rd weekend (I live away from home for college) and find her wearing my PJs, wandering around the house without saying a word to anyone, taking food and retreating back into the living room with my brother.

My cousins were saying that maybe she is shy/ insecure/ feels threatened, but summoning any sense of sympathy for her has been pretty hard for myself and my parents

LegacyUser

OP I would suggest that you become indifferent to her. My brother started going out with a girl when I was in 5th year. She was, at best, standoffish, and would come out with things that seemed really rude. Its amazing how my brother saw it though - what we saw as rude and obnoxious, he saw as her being honest and shy, and we were the bad guys. Her behaviour did not improve over time, she seemed to think that we were somehow competition to her.

As I said, My brother started going out with this girl when I was 16. That was 20 years ago and they are married with kids now. Over the years she has caused no end of aggro, falling out with each and every one of us after another and we tried, oh god we really tried to get on with her, yet every time she got the hump over something my brother would take us to task on it. She has treated my parents with utter contempt, and they did nothing to deserve it. If we included her in things she was unhappy, if we didnt she moaned, you can never win. Not once has she apologised for anything, no matter how blatantly she is at fault, and not once in all that time has he ever taken any side that was not his wifes.

It has hurt me over the years but I have to respect the fact that she is my brothers wife if it kills me, and if they did split, he and the children would suffer the most.

You will not win here. Best case scenario is that it fizzles out at some stage of its own accord, and pay no heed. It sounds like she is trying to goad you into kicking off with her - all your brother will see here is that you shouted first. Dont let yourself be sucked in to it. Suffer her at family gatherings, ignore the barbs, and be indifferent to her behaviour

Sleepy

If you're not close with your brother why are you letting his choice of partner get to you so much?

Next time you've an event you don't want her at, don't invite her. If your brother asks if it's okay for her to come along all you have to say is "I'd prefer it to be just family" or if he pushes it "not after the way she behaved at my 21st birthday, thank you".

Not all families are the Waltons, yours clearly isn't, stop trying to make it so.

Siuin

Sleepy wrote: »

If you're not close with your brother why are you letting his choice of partner get to you so much?

Because as his girlfriend, she goes everywhere, including family events like birthdays and weddings- I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own house

gypsy_rose

find her wearing my PJs

You have got to be joking, I'm honestly hopping mad just reading that. How the hell have you not had a fight with her by now?

OK, so your brother is fairly apathetic towards you, fair enough, and you don't have a really close relationship. So how bad would it be if you had a bit of a fight with him or with her?

At least it would clear the air, because to be honest it sounds like things are just building and building. The fact that she's at your house every third week with no common courtousy whatsoever is absolutely crazy, when I've met my boyfreind's family I have always been on my absolute best behaviour at all times and wouldn't even dream of acting as she does, she has some bloody nerve.

Someone needs to stand up to her because this is just ridiculous, it's your house and it's a privilege for her to be there. Does your brother go to her house as often? I'll bet he doesn't carry on like that either.

Next time you see this little tramp in your pjs, tell her they're yours and to get out of them now, and if she's going into your room to get them tell her she is not allowed in there. There will be a fight but at least she'll think twice before being so bloody cheeky again.

Sorry about the rant but this is making my blood boil.

gypsy_rose

I really think you and your parents should sit down with your brother together and have a word about her, that behaviour is just not on. Since they're so close and in love together, I doubt he'll split up with her over it. Get him to tell her that if she doesn't learn some basic primary school manners she's not welcome back. At least then he might not think about bringing back someone who is so obnoxiously rude to his whole family.

Siuin

Many thanks the the advice everyone! I think I'll try be a bit more assertive next time she steps out of line!!

gypsy_rose

Nice one OP, get your parents in on it too, your dad has obviously noticed her rudeness when he got her to chink his glass at your 21st so you're not alone

Siuin

gypsy_rose wrote: »

Nice one OP, get your parents in on it too, your dad has obviously noticed her rudeness when he got her to chink his glass at your 21st so you're not alone

Lol! I think he's been saying that he hated her longer than anyone because he's convinced that she still doesn't know his name XD

gypsy_rose

Siuin wrote: »

Lol! I think he's been saying that he hated her longer than anyone because he's convinced that she still doesn't know his name XD

Haha, oh it would be class if you could put her into some situation to test whether she knows his name or not, she's be too embarassed to ever darken your door again! Anyways hope it works out for ya, never know ,maybe in a year or two you'll all be the best of friends! :rolleyes:

Siuin

Or she'll be tormenting some other poor fecker's family :P
Many thanks for all the advice!

Taltos

Siuin wrote: »

Many thanks the the advice everyone! I think I'll try be a bit more assertive next time she steps out of line!!

Remember to stay calm, and even very happy and friendly like you would to a misbehaving child. Not condescending too much though. Will freak her out and what can your brother complain about....
Don't let her rise you, she will try.

IrishEyes19

loloray wrote: »

Careful there . . . what you described there is not a trap, it's what you do when you want to get pregnant . . . Just because someone you don't like gets pregnant, doesn't mean it was a 'trap' . . . sometimes people we don't like, genuinely want children, for normal reasons.

i think what she means is without the brothers knowledge she came off the pill, not with him knowing.

OP, I would definately talk to your parents and your brother about not having her in the house if she's deliberately rude to you and your family. I have a friend who had the same issue. The girlfriend was so rude and so the family made the decision that she does not come over unless her manners change. I suggest you tell your brother this.

I understand that not everyone gets along and he can date who he likes, but in my opinion if you come into someone elses house, the least they could do is be polite and respectful, even if they dont get along. I think if someone isnt willing to do this, they have no right to be in your house, eat your food ect.

Fentdog84

Your bro's gf sounds very immature and just like a spoilt brat basically. Try not to take too much notice of her. Its a pity you got upset on your 21st over her behaviour. Sounds like the best thing to do here is just to avoid her, and act distant towards her, as you arent going to get along by the sounds of it.No point whipping a dead horse. Just because she's your brother's gf dosent mean you have to act all pally and kiss her arse the whole time. If she notices you are being impersonal and stand-offish towards her she may get the message and make more of an effort to be friendly in time, but really she dosent sound like someone worth getting worked up and stressed over.

Daisy M

To be honest your brother and his girlfriend sound well suited. I think your parents are making a mistake in allowing her to behave so rudely in their home I would not tolerate this. Your family home should be a place where you are all comfortable and guests are made welcome but know their place and have boundaries and manners. Your parents are doing your brother no favours by allowing this to continue, he needs as an adult to start considering other people and realise that the world does not revolve around him and his gf.