Family issue = boyfriend dumping me

LegacyUser

Hi guys, need some advice.
Im having a bit of an on-going issue with my aunty, and also spreading to my mum too (they are sisters).
Bit of background, my aunty said some things about me on email to my brother that were unfair, untrue and offensive about my life and my relationship.
I saw the email, he showed me as he knew it wasnt right.
I emailed my aunt and told her I saw it and that it was upsetting to have her gossip untrue things about my life.
She since (and this was a good few months ago) refused to reply to that email.
Until yesterday. I emailed her again and said to her, I emailed you months ago about some things you said about me that upset me and you never even responded.
So she wrote back and said she was not apologising, and denied that she said what she said.
Today I read it. I was annoyed. This has been an on-going issue now all these months and my aunt and mum are pretty close so its making things awkward for her too.
I was angry when I read the email today that she refuses to apologise.
I am with my boyfriend.
So since this morning I have been pretty grumpy.
I got on to my brother to get a copy of the email for proof to settle the matter but he has since deleted it, that made me feel even more defeated and irritated.
Then my mother called me about it ( I had text her and told her my aunt refuses to apologise about this issue) and we had a heated and tense conversation where she told me I needed to talk to my aunty face to face and take it up with her properly, and when I tried to respond to my mum and tell her that If she denies saying those things over email why would she not deny it face to face but my mum refused to let me speak.
On the phone I was saying "Can I please speak now? Can I say what I want to say now?!" over and over again getting more and more irritated as my mum just kept talking over me and saying "this is none of my business, I wont hear any more about it" when all I was trying to do was respond to what she was telling me to do about it.

Now, after this phone call, my boyfriend was pretty angry and irate, he said I should have sounded calmer on the phone, and at this stage I was pretty annoyed already about everything, and I asked him why do you think that me asking can I speak now in a calmer tone would have made any difference when her reason for not letting me speak was that it was not really her business (even though she called me for long enough to tell me what to do about it!!!)
Anyway my boyfriend lost his temper then, and told me he is sick of me being in a bad mood all day, and that unless I sort this out with my family (which he knows well I have been trying to do) then we will break up over it!!!

The advice I need is this...
Is it expected that my boyfriend would threaten the end of our relationship over an outside issue I am having with my family that puts me in a bad mood, or is that a bit unfair and he should be there for me to support me rather then say we will break up over it?

Thanks

LegacyUser

familyisssue wrote: »

Hi guys, need some advice.
Im having a bit of an on-going issue with my aunty, and also spreading to my mum too (they are sisters).
Bit of background, my aunty said some things about me on email to my brother that were unfair, untrue and offensive about my life and my relationship.
I saw the email, he showed me as he knew it wasnt right.
I emailed my aunt and told her I saw it and that it was upsetting to have her gossip untrue things about my life.
She since (and this was a good few months ago) refused to reply to that email.
Until yesterday. I emailed her again and said to her, I emailed you months ago about some things you said about me that upset me and you never even responded.
So she wrote back and said she was not apologising, and denied that she said what she said.
Today I read it. I was annoyed. This has been an on-going issue now all these months and my aunt and mum are pretty close so its making things awkward for her too.
I was angry when I read the email today that she refuses to apologise.
I am with my boyfriend.
So since this morning I have been pretty grumpy.
I got on to my brother to get a copy of the email for proof to settle the matter but he has since deleted it, that made me feel even more defeated and irritated.
Then my mother called me about it ( I had text her and told her my aunt refuses to apologise about this issue) and we had a heated and tense conversation where she told me I needed to talk to my aunty face to face and take it up with her properly, and when I tried to respond to my mum and tell her that If she denies saying those things over email why would she not deny it face to face but my mum refused to let me speak.
On the phone I was saying "Can I please speak now? Can I say what I want to say now?!" over and over again getting more and more irritated as my mum just kept talking over me and saying "this is none of my business, I wont hear any more about it" when all I was trying to do was respond to what she was telling me to do about it.

Now, after this phone call, my boyfriend was pretty angry and irate, he said I should have sounded calmer on the phone, and at this stage I was pretty annoyed already about everything, and I asked him why do you think that me asking can I speak now in a calmer tone would have made any difference when her reason for not letting me speak was that it was not really her business (even though she called me for long enough to tell me what to do about it!!!)
Anyway my boyfriend lost his temper then, and told me he is sick of me being in a bad mood all day, and that unless I sort this out with my family (which he knows well I have been trying to do) then we will break up over it!!!

The advice I need is this...
Is it expected that my boyfriend would threaten the end of our relationship over an outside issue I am having with my family that puts me in a bad mood, or is that a bit unfair and he should be there for me to support me rather then say we will break up over it?

Thanks

Hi OP , i'm a fella by the way and ive been through something similar except in this case my ex girlfriend was in the same position as you and she was constantly in a bad mood over family issues

now their is 2 sides to this story im sure of it and your not telling us a part of it
you being in a bad mood over family issues i get that and im not trying to go against you
BUT when your in a bad mood do you take it out on everyone around you , ie , your boyfriend?
if this is the case then their is a good reason to threaten the relationship cause lets face it no one wants to be given out to by their boyfriend or girlfriend for something they havnt done, my ex girlfriend always took family issues out on me hence the reason were not with each other anymore

on the other hand if you dont take things out on him and it was a one day bad mood well then theirs no reason for him to threaten the relationship unless it has been you in a bad mood for several months because its unfair for him and unfair for you because you's cant enjoy the relationship with family issues going on

in my opinion let your boyfriend cool down, and if your always ina bad mood because of the family issues well then im sorry but you two would be best of just being friends until the family issues are resolved because the last thing you want issues with your family and your relationship , it'll drive you up the wall

good luck OP

Starokan

i would not worry to much about it, it sounds like a throw away remark in the heat of an argument. Talk to him later when things are calmer and establish what he meant.

Of course he should support you but remember to listen to his advice on it too, he may have some good points as to how to go about solving it. Perhaps approaching things more calmly is a good way of dealing with it. When you are so caught up in a drama there is a tendency to only see things from your own point of view.

It would be a pity to let a situation like this cause you even more hassle than it already has.

The Lovely Muffin

If I was in that situation OP, I wouldn't have sent another email.

Your mother is right, you should take this up with your auntie face-to-face rather then email.

Would she deny it if you approached her face to face? I would assume so, yes, as she denied it via email there is nothing to say/stop her from denying it face to face.

In my opinion, using email/internet etc to sort out family issues is never a good idea, as things can be taken up wrong, misinterpreted, either a phone call, or meeting up is a better way of solving/working out any issues.

Why did you send another email? Especially as your auntie never responded to the first email.

I agree with your boyfriend, you should have remained calm on the phone instead of getting worked up and irate. How on earth would being worked up and irate have helped matters? Did you think maybe if your mum/auntie knew you were upset/angry/annoyed etc was going to make your auntie apologise? Because it won't.

Do you have mood swings OP? Like are you grumpy etc often? If you are it could help explain your boyfriends frustration and outburst.

Do you often get worked up over this particular issue with your auntie? If you do then maybe your boyfriend has grown tired of constantly hearing you moan and groan/talk about it continuously, there is only so much one can take.

Should your boyfriend have given you the option of sorting out this issue or he will end your relationship? No he shouldn't. But he has and now you have to deal with it. He should support you, but, if you are constantly worked up, talking about this particular issue etc then I can see where your boyfriend is coming from.

Maybe your boyfriend is annoyed with you for bringing this issue up again after a few months? Maybe he thinks you should've left it be. Talk to him, its the only way find out.

LegacyUser

Purple_Bobbin wrote: »

Do you have mood swings OP? Like are you grumpy etc often? If you are it could help explain your boyfriends frustration and outburst.

Do you often get worked up over this particular issue with your auntie? If you do then maybe your boyfriend has grown tired of constantly hearing you moan and groan/talk about it continuously, there is only so much one can take.

LOL.
No I do not have mood swings.
In fact it is he who has mood swings- a lot. Esp when he plays poker, which is every single day!!
Constantly up and down, and I NEVER complain, I just support him and keep quiet when hes flipping out over a bad beat.
Again today with my phone call to my mum, he flipped out. He has mood swings very, very often.

This issue with my auntie has not been mentioned with him, in front of him, or at all in about 3 months. Only today because i decided to get back on to her about it in order to try and put it to bed, we have been avoiding each other for months now. I dont particularly want to see her due to the s***ty things she has said about me.

BF has since apologised for being a d**kh**d as he put it. He know he is a right moody git a lot of the time and I never complain, and today was ONE day out of months that im having a bad day and he gets annoyed.

gypsy_rose

It depends on what she was saying about your boyfriend that was so bad, was it bad enough that he would never want to run into her at family occassions and would cause fights if they did? If not, I'm presuming he said he was going to break up with you either in the heat of the moment or because he is sick of this ongoing situation. My answer to all of this: ignore it. Who cares what your aunt thinks, are you even particularly close to her? Those were nasty things for her to say but at least you know what she thinks of you now and you can just ignore her.

thefeatheredcat

That sounds terrible OP! But it's all fixable.

Firstly imo your boyfriend is wrong about giving you an ultimatum on the relationship, but probably did it for you to reflect on how you handled the situation...and that he shouldn't be dragged into the drama of it now that he is finally aware of it. Two people getting irate with eachother on the phone (starting with one and then it spreading to the other) is going to cause everyone to be that grumpy with those around them (that I know from dealing with complaints over the phone) so a difference in tone and a few other things makes a huge difference.

There is a way forward though - apologise to your boyfriend for taking out the situation on him and yes, he was right btw. Everyone gets annoyed, everyone has a bad day, but it does not give anyone the entitlement to take it out on anyone else including him taking out his moods on you. He may have some ideas on resolving the issue or just not causing more conflict between yourself and your mother (and it's not her business to sort out either)

With your aunt - is it possible to visit her? I think you are going have to be the bigger person here; she may be in the wrong but is either too stubborn or too proud to admit what she said (and has probably forgotten what she said by now) or that she was in the wrong about saying those things in the first place and realising she has by her gossiping, caused a rift that she takes no responsibility in repairing. So you be the bigger person and repair that rift, not nice to have to do, but it is worth it, because you made the effort whereas your aunt hasn't. Turn up with her favourite chocolates or something and just make peace. From my experience, it's worth being the bigger person in a conflict like that. Words and gossip hurt, and often those that say the nasty things never realise how deeply they can wound when it gets back to the person concerned, until it comes to something like this.

LegacyUser

ILIKE2HELP wrote: »

BUT when your in a bad mood do you take it out on everyone around you , ie , your boyfriend?

and if your always ina bad mood because of the family issues

No not in the least bit. I never take it out on anyone else.
Also no, I am not always in a bad mood over family issues.

Today I was, but I hadnt talked to my aunty for about 3 months before this so she wasnt really in my thoughts or words until I decided to chase it up and try to resolve it as its getting to my mum that we wont really be around each other since she offended me.

LegacyUser

gypsy_rose wrote: »

It depends on what she was saying about your boyfriend that was so bad, was it bad enough that he would never want to run into her at family occassions and would cause fights if they did?

It wasnt extremely bad no, just basically that he doesnt care about me, when he does.
He saw it too, and he was also offended, but he wouldnt cause a row with her if he saw her again, he would most likely just ignore her / be civil if he had to interact with her.

Zen65

familyisssue wrote: »

No not in the least bit. I never take it out on anyone else.
Also no, I am not always in a bad mood over family issues.

Well, let's look at the facts as we know them:

• This argument with your aunt is about a remark she is alleged to have made three months ago
• It appears the remark was simply her expressing an opinion (inasmuch as you've told us what she wrote)
• Three months later, you're still trying to get an apology from her
• It has spilled over to a row between you and your mother, because you confronted your aunt not once, but twice about this, using e-mail (which may I say, is the worst medium in the world for resolving an argument)!
• Your reaction to your mother on the phone annoys your boyfriend who thinks you should have been calmer
• So now a row breaks out between your boyfriend and you!

.... and you're wondering if he's being unreasonable??

Now I don't have the benefit of knowing you, nor your boyfriend nor your aunt nor your mother, but what I'm reading in your OP suggests you are carrying a grudge match for months about a comment your aunt made, in which she expressed an opinion, which she's entitled to have?

I'll be first to say that I may be wrong about this, but it sure does sound like you are taking your annoyance out on others. It sounds like this comment has been eating you for the three months and I'm sure your boyfriend really just wants you to get over it and move on, because it would appear that he thinks you've been in a bad mood about it for three months. You no longer even have the e-mail she sent so you cannot check again with a calmer head to examine what she wrote.

Take a deep breath, and move on. No comment is worth carrying with you for three months.

Be at peace,

Z

Fentdog84

You seriously need to drop this whole thing about your Aunt, in fact pretend it never happened or you never saw the remark.It wasnt meant for your eyes in the first place. People gossip and talk about people close to them the whole time, Im sure you have been guilty of saying uncomplimentary things about family members or friends yourself in the past that you would be mortified if they found out you said that.. Chasing apologies is usaully a fruitless endevour. Leave your aunt be and if she wants, let her bring up the subject herself in time and offer an apology. What you are doing at the moment is only wreaking havoc for you and those around you. Just put it to the back of your mind and move on.

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

Well, let's look at the facts as we know them:

• This argument with your aunt is about a remark she is alleged to have made three months ago
• It appears the remark was simply her expressing an opinion (inasmuch as you've told us what she wrote)
• Three months later, you're still trying to get an apology from her
• It has spilled over to a row between you and your mother, because you confronted your aunt not once, but twice about this, using e-mail (which may I say, is the worst medium in the world for resolving an argument)!
• Your reaction to your mother on the phone annoys your boyfriend who thinks you should have been calmer
• So now a row breaks out between your boyfriend and you!

.... and you're wondering if he's being unreasonable??

Now I don't have the benefit of knowing you, nor your boyfriend nor your aunt nor your mother, but what I'm reading in your OP suggests you are carrying a grudge match for months about a comment your aunt made, in which she expressed an opinion, which she's entitled to have?

I'll be first to say that I may be wrong about this, but it sure does sound like you are taking your annoyance out on others. It sounds like this comment has been eating you for the three months and I'm sure your boyfriend really just wants you to get over it and move on, because it would appear that he thinks you've been in a bad mood about it for three months. You no longer even have the e-mail she sent so you cannot check again with a calmer head to examine what she wrote.

Take a deep breath, and move on. No comment is worth carrying with you for three months.

Be at peace,

Z

Sorry but youre wrong about most of this.
The comment hasnt been eating me up for 3 months.
I know exactly what the email said and it said more then that her opinion was that my boyfriend didnt care about me- I just dont want to put the specifics into this thread!!
She said more things about my life, and STATED that my boyfriend does not care about me, she didnt say "I think". Big difference.
My brother showed me the email because he even thought it was pretty harsh and unfair.
My boyfriend was also hurt by it.
I dont usually see my aunty all that often, she talks more to me over emails and Facebook so that is why I contacted her on that. PLUS the fact that what she was saying to others about me was over emails!!
I am NOT taking it out on anyone else. I didnt have a "row" with my mum- I asked her if I could say something in response to what she was telling me to do and she wouldnt let me and the conversation ended. My boyfriend has since apologised for being a d**k***d as HE put it not me, for being in an irritable mood himself- and taking it out on ME over something that was not really any of his business.
The row we had was entirely him being cranky and not because I was upset over family issues. He has admitted he was being selfish.

I no longer need advice about this. My boyfriend has apologised and yes, he was being unreasonable.

LegacyUser

Fentdog84 wrote: »

Im sure you have been guilty of saying uncomplimentary things about family members or friends yourself in the past that you would be mortified if they found out you said that..

If that was true, and they DID find out, and said it to me, I would apologise straight away rather then be stubborn and refuse to even acknowledge an email saying they were upset by it.

Plus, I would never make a statement on how much someone elses partner did not care about them when I dont even know them, or make nasty statements like they are fact about my relations life that I also know nothing about.
There is a line.

Chinafoot

familyisssue wrote: »

If that was true, and they DID find out, and said it to me, I would apologise straight away rather then be stubborn and refuse to even acknowledge an email saying they were upset by it.

Plus, I would never make a statement on how much someone elses partner did not care about them when I dont even know them, or make nasty statements like they are fact about my relations life that I also know nothing about.
There is a line.

You're right OP, there is a line. And unfortunately you will meet people in life who will cross those lines. She has made it clear that she is not going to apologise to you so you should really just get over it.

Getting thick with your mam who, from what you posted here, was doing her best to stay out of it, is not the way to go. It was months ago, you know what she said isn't true and you don't see her often so whats the problem? Why are you even discussing it with your mam? Leave her out of it.

Have to be honest OP, you really don't come across too well in this at all.