What do I do?

LegacyUser

How would you handle this?
I have a 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship, she doesn't live with me she lives abroad with her mother. When she left, 12 odd year ago, I didn't take it too good. I had a lot of anger inside me, none of it turned to violence, thank god, but my attitude done me no favors. I was always arguing, drinking, taking risks. It got to the stage I could only see straight if I was looking out from the bottom of a bottle. I had some good opportunities in front of me and blew them, there's not a day goes by that I don't kick myself cause of wasted chances. In fact I have a bit of a black out for 3 odd years.
When I met my wife, she calmed me down, it wasn't an over night process it took about 3 years. Why she stuck with me I'll never know and I'll always love her for this.
I get to see my daughter maybe 2/3 times a year if I'm lucky. When it comes closer to her visits I get anxious and techie. When she's here I see it as she's only here for a week, it's her holiday so make it special. She can be a textbook teenager Make up, FB, Internet, TV, late nights even later lie in's but if she's asked to do something she'll do it. I see it as If I dog the youngone she may not want to come over next time.
When I got married, I really felt that my wife would want to be a positive part of my daughter's life, in a friend kind of way, ( I never expected my daughter to live with us or for my wife to take over as her mother, she has a mother). While on our honeymoon, talking about the wedding day, my daughters name was mentioned in the conversation and my wife told me to forget about her now that were married, she'll give me babies. I nearly died there on the spot, if she had said that to me before the wedding I'd have walked away and never gone back, I don't mean I'm angry and will calm down, I mean this is not the relationship I signed up for, your not the person I thought you were.
I've never brought that conversation up since and maybe I should have, but as time goes on I'm afraid to speak to her about it. I just want the woman I love to accept my daughter, she's a part of me and has help shape/ mold me into the man I am today. The other day we were talking about a big party her folks have coming up. I said my daughter would love that, she loves big family gatherings and although she is 14 she can be brought into social circles (she has her manners and is respectful of other people). My wife said she won't be going as she's not part of her family.
Again, I nearly died, why would she say that?
I don't have family here in Ireland, I look at her family on as my own. I would and do anything I can for them.
When I ask my daughter about my wife, she think's the sun shine's out of her, everything from her dress sense to her choice of music.
My head is mashed about this, I can't understand why my wife has this attitude.
Thanks for reading.

ash23

You say if she'd said this before you got married you'd have walked away. Why wouldn't you walk now?

This child is your daughter. You need to reiterate that to your wife and explain the child is family and will be around for the long haul. She knew it marrying you so she needs to accept it.
If she won't, you need to consider your future with her.

Lollipops23

unregistered wrote: »

While on our honeymoon, talking about the wedding day, my daughters name was mentioned in the conversation and my wife told me to forget about her now that were married, she'll give me babies.

Oh wow, OP that's an awful thing to say in any context! Had she never mentioned this attitude before the wedding? Ever given any inkling that she had these feeling towards your daughter? To be honest I think you need to have a very very serious chat with your wife. How anyone could be so cold towards a 14 year old amazes me, although it could well stem from jealousy and insecurity( not an excuse, mind).

LegacyUser

I cant walk away from my wife, no more than I could walk away from my daughter. They are my women and I'd chop down mountains to be with them and keep them safe. I just can't understand how she has that attitude.
She know's what I went through when the youngone left. I'm finding it hard to brooch the subject in my own head never mind with my wife.
It's like having two best friends and one doesn't want to hang around with the other. There's no need for it. I haven't spoke to my wife in a couple of days and don't really feel like talking to her. I know I should but I'm angry inside, How would you go about it, Hi honey I'm a little bit P1ssed off with your attitude and what you said the other night. If she has that attitude who else in 'her' family thinks like that and all the happy families we've been playing for the last ten years is just a show.
How do you make someone accept something they don't want to?
what's worse is that little voice in the back of your head saying 'It's all a show'.
I have to put this down for the day and think about where I am.

ManOfMystery

What was your wife's attitude towards your daughter like before you got married? I'm just asking to get a clearer picture of things.

You sound gobsmacked by her attitude ............... so she either kept things quiet and you had no idea how she really felt, or she pretended to get on fine with your daughter just until she got the marriage out of the way. Either way, it's a bit devious on her part as it's very clear that you feel very strongly for your daughter.

If your wife somehow felt that you would suddenly pledge allegiance to her and write your daughter off once the two of you got married, it's time you put her right. There's room for everyone here, and no need for your wife to push your daughter out of the way.

Taltos

OP - don't rush into this. Take the next few days to really figure out what is getting to you here?
Then think back to how you felt when she said these things to her - it will hurt but really try to understand the depth of your hurt and pain.

Now - talk with your OH. Stay calm whatever else happens. Anger or aggression here will end the converstation. Be prepared for her to get aggressive and just look at as her being defensive - let her get it out and only continune when you are both calm.

Remind her of what was said and let her know how you felt (see above); reinforce to her that your daughter is as much as part of you as hers is of her. Let her know that it is OK for her not to love your daughter (that takes work) but you have to insist that she shows her the care, respect and attention she deserves as your daughter and child. By disrespecting her even behind her back she is in fact attacking you and this is hurting you.

You cannot expect her to change overnight - but you do need her to try. This is not down to choices in any fashion - but it is all about the woman you love with all your heart showing such contempt and disrespect for your child who you also love with all your heart...

Also - reinforce to your daughter how much you love her and how nothing will change that. The reason I am saying this is my father was abused by his stepmother and out of fear never said anything to his dad - don't get caught in that trap.

I know you don't want to face this - but if she is unwilling or unable to change you will have to choose.
Your daughter or this woman. (Sorry).